Think it’s over. Messages , escorts, open condom. Please help

[lookingatthepast]

Will try and be brief. Been with OH 18 months. We met through mutual friends. I have children with my ex husband . Kids were introduced slowly they all get on great. Kids like having him around asked when he would move in and I discussed how they would feel about it should that happen and they were all happy and excited and wanted it . I am mid 30s OH early 30s and he has no kids. I can’t have anymore children and although he said he couldn’t garantee one day he might not feel he wants a family of his own he doesn’t have an overwhelming feeling to have his own kids that he was happy with us he loved his time with us etc .

Recently a friend of his had a baby I mentioned I am sure one day he would love his own and he said I am happy with how things are. He did always say he would feel disappointed in life if he never married though. I have no aversion to remarrying (the marriage wasn’t the issue last time it was the person ) then recently another friend is expecting a baby in August and someone else we know in November. Again no desire expressed by him that he feels he’s missing out or broody .

I found out a while back that on nights outs with his mates (approx once a month) some of them do a few lines of coke . My ex used to do it and it caused a lot of issues. However he was also violent and abusive when drinking and doing drugs. My OH and I talked and I said as long as he never brought it into my house and never did it around me or my children or when I was with him then out with his mates while I don’t approve is his business and doesn’t effect me. I later found out after looking at his phone one of his friends deals it and that’s where they get it from and he has friends who ring him and he passes this guys number on as a favour. I gave him lots of opportunities to come clean and tell me and he didn’t. Until eventually I overheard a call and confronted him. We nearly broke up over it but he said he would stop being involved and he wanted a future with me and was sorry.

At the same time I saw on a holiday with some of his friends and family last year (booked before we were together) he messaged a girl on a dating app asking if she fancied meeting for a drink. Again I kept quiet and didn’t let on that I knew. I buried it and carried on.

I love and care for this man deeply. He lost him mum a couple of years ago and said I made him feel happy again and came into his life when everything was dark etc. We had both of us talked about buying somewhere together and one day marrying. He mentioned in the beginning of the year when we had been together a year the idea of us living together (he works , owns his own house but there’s now a tenant in and would have been with me so my children don’t have to move house and Schools etc ) I said sounds great let’s see in the summer about it but he started staying here a few times a week instead of just one to see how it felt being together that bit more.

In February we were going to meet two of his friends for lunch and a message came up on his in car system which he asked me to read to him. Under that was another message from an unsaved number sent at 5am that morning when he was staying at his dads house saying they only offer outcalls and not incalls. I know it was a massage parlour / escort agency from that and I confronted him. He said firsT of all a friend had done it and used his phone and I told him to have respect for me and admit it. He admitted he was drunk and doing drugs and he called the number but they were closed and could only come out and he didn’t have anyone go there as his dad brother and friends were there. He pleaded cried begged but did say maybe we would be better off ending it as I wouldn’t be able to trust him. I said maybe he should try counselling
He said he felt he was t good enough for me. That he’s always been hurt in relationships so throught that’s he’s bound to get screwed over again so what does it matter. He was so very upset and sorry for hurting me said I didn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve me and doesn’t deserve another chance. I wanted to make it work so let it go as a blip and a stupid drunken mistake although I was very hurt and felt inferior and not good enough. In March he did the same thing again. I found out as I hold my hands up and went through his phone. It was all there. Searches to brothels and massage parlours. He also gave his phone number to a random girl on the street and was emailing / messaging her for a bit the same night and he stayed up all night on a huge coke binge at the same time. (This was in a flat his family own in another town where he went on a weekend away with friends. But he went one night before everyone else on his own and did all this ) when j saw him online late he said he was up late as he didn’t feel well. I was worried about him being ill and there on his own as he’d been unwell at mine a couple of days before. He told his friend in a message it was a lie to shut me up and he was in the flat and paranoid from the amount of coke that he locked himself in one of the room as he thought there was a person next door )

Again i confronted him as it was the disrespect to me in these messages which I couldn’t believe. Laughing with friends bout messaging other girls and that I fell for his story of being ill. He then started counselling and has so far had 7 sessions. I even offered to do couples counselling alongside so that we could get back to how we were and work on things and have the life together we talked about.

Yesterday I was at his house and when I stood up to leave I looked down and in a drawer next to his bed (which was open) there was a worn condom laying there. I picked it up and said Why is this in your room. We don’t use them and haven’t had sex in that room anyway. He said he never uses the drawer someone else must have left it there from what could be months or years ago and it’s nothing to do with him . I didn’t argue I didn’t shout or scream I just felt very tired and said this is your bedroom how could you not know it was there. He said I don’t use that drawer and other people have stayed over in this room when I haven’t been here and it could be one of them. His cousin and girlfriend. Friends and girlfriends etc. His head dropped and he said I am telling the truth but I know you don’t believe me . I said I don’t know what to think and if you found it at my house you would find it hard to believe that it was as years old and I didn’t know how it got there
I have never found any actual evidence he’s cheated. Just times he’s come close. He said he doesn’t know why he’s done it. Etc

Anyway today he’s ended it with me. Says he needs to be on his own
He can’t stand keep making me unhappy and he can’t leave his phone unattended near me anymore and I won’t ever trust him
All suggestions of counselling together he’s saying no to. Says I will see it’s for the best and he wants to stay friends and still be able to meet up and have a kick about with the kids or take them out sometimes but he’s got too many issues to work on and he needs to put himself first and deal with them. He’s also said one day he might want kids and that option is off limits and it’s been bothering him for a while now. That maybe his best friend having a kid has made him think and he can’t guarantee he won’t one day want one and it’s something I can’t do with him. The idea of a surrogate if needs be was dismissed. Says he feels he’s no control over his life and it’s moving at 100mph ! No idea how I haven’t pushed him to move in. Marriage was briefly discussed a few times and by him as it happens as there’s a certain church he would like the ceremony in if possible but I could chose the reception if I was happy with that. Talked about areas we would consider buying in one day and when would be tha best time to move and both agreed 2 years time due to my children’s schooling. So none of this is about to happen tomorrow or next week.

I am hurting so much. I feel sick. I can’t stop crying. I feel ill. The future we talked about the plans we discussed. And then he’s going to meet someone else and do it all with them instead. Yesterday everything was fine. He cuddled me said he missed me loved me. I saw that condom and came home and now we are over

I feel broken. So broken and have no one I can talk to. I work long hours in a stressful job with people at times I am unhappy around. I feel so sad and lost

I got about two thirds through your op.
He has done the kindest thing for you by ending it. When someone shows you who they are, believe it. He sounds like a complete waste of time - escorts, used condom etc. You haven't been with him long, you should still be in the honeymoon phase not thinking of counselling.

Sorry op, I know it's hard but better now than say five or ten years down the line.

I am sorry I think because things have happened over time you have slowly gotten used to this being your normal. It’s not normal. This is a toxic relationship for you - he is at least messaging escorts at worst sleeping with them and putting your health at risk. I am sorry you are devestated but with time will see it’s for the best. I suspect his counselling has gotten him to realise he is being an unfair dick to you and he does not see a future so he is finally doing the right thing and breaking up with you.

I think eventually I will just be phased out of his life altogether and this is his gentle way of going about it.

Op you should have cut him out of your life, not be around or in contact with him to be phased out.

Including not sending gifts/tokens .... You can sympathise from a distance. You don't have to show him and support him. You're far far far too soft and kind.

You suspect he'd been cheating on you and you found out he'd been crowing and laughing about deceiving you to his friends at one point.

He's acted pretty disgracefully in a relationship with you. You should have ended contact. You're not helping your own recovery by continuing to have contact with him, thinking about him, interpreting what he's saying and doing etc.

Worry about and look after yourself, you're a key worker and a single mum.

He's still.off snorting coke (the poor poor thing) - what is it he tends to do when drunk/using coke - ah yeah, look up prostitutes.

The coke promotes violence, gang warfare as misery for people. The prostitution supports trafficking, coercion and exploitation.

Neither make him relationship material.

Sorry but you need to detach from this man, not keep being thoughtful and supportive and kind and sentimental and continuing contact, however minimal.

The posters who think he's s good guy underneath - what, with the hooker use and the thing he was caught saying about op? FFS.

This guy has lots of talk and portrays himself as nice (but damaged) but is he really. Stop listening to the talk and look at his actions, those are what shows the fabric of a man.

He's arsed around with a single mum whose kids he's gotten to know, not stopped using coke, not stopped looking up prostitutes, not stopped binge drinking, had a condom (who someone else used) in his bedside table, got caught out ridiculing the op, and has now dumped her (all because he's been bereaved apparently). Other people who've been bereaved have not acted like this.

And in all.this, he's the one who's ended the relationship (!!) while op wanted them to.go into counselling and he's the one who's phasing it out gently, while op still tries to show him support and is still in contact.

It seems like you're still caughtp in proving you're a good person and and a good partner to him (and perhaps yourself) ... Don't waste your time, because he's not really a good person or partner, no matter how well he portrays himself as such.

So let's get this straight, this man has a drug problem, a sex worker problem, a lie problem and a cheating problem. At the point you discover irrefutable evidence he has the sense to throw in the towel and end the relationship.

Baffled as to why you want to subject your kids to this.

It's shit when relationships collapse but you will get over it if you allow it to end.

Dear god.

Let. Him. Go.

He is doing you a favour. Stop making excuses for him & find yourself some self respect. You can't fix him, he doesn't want to stop seeing escorts & taking drugs, he doesn't want to commit to you, he doesn't want to leave his phone neat you unattended as he knows he can't change.

Move on. Is this the kind of relationship examples you want to set for your kids? You want a regular coke head around your kids???

Give your head a wobble. Jeez

Just read the full thread. Jesus OP, stop dragging yourself back to him. You will NEVER get what you need from this complete pile of shit of a man.

Why does this man treat you so badly?

Because you let him, because you make it easy for him, became you have no self respect.

If you'd cut all contact, focused on doing what was best for you and your children you'd be half way there to feeling semi OK with yourself again. Instead you're wallowing in the pain and continuing to not only give him head space but sending him gifts.

Stop it. Just stop. If not for yourself, for your children. Wake the F up!

Op .... you stated this ....

He will regret losing me. When he’s waking up to random girls after mad nights out he will think back on what I brought to the table and he will really kick himself for losing us all.

Us women like to say this. It makes us feel better about the break up. But the reality is that he probably won't miss you & regret losing what he had as he just isn't that into you, you need to accept this. If he was serious about you he would have been shit scared of losing you & he would have behaved. He is choosing to behave like this.

All you are doing is trying to justify his actions.

The sooner you get over this the better, it really is.

Find yourself some self respect, you really need to do that because you are coming across as desperate in your posts which is sad op

If I was the other parent of these poor children and I found out you had brought a drug dealing, drug taking, binge drinking, prostitute using cunt of a man around my kids I'd be raging. If I then found out you had split up and were encouraging ongoing contact between that man and my children I would be going for residency.
You are absolutely insane if you think this is a good thing and you are not thinking of your children no matter how you dress it up.

For fuck sake OP

GET A GRIP !!!!!

This type of guy will move on very quickly OP, and do the same to some other nice woman. You really don’t want to be stuck 10 years down the line with a loser like this, it’s very very hard at the time but I think he has done you a favour . The minute you actually meet someone kind who wouldn’t dream of acting like this you will wonder why you even gave him headspace

He's using you as an emotional crutch - and you are allowing it to happen because you think that any contact with him is better than nothing at all.

All this does is prolong the agony. Plus it's not fair to your kids when he eventually does disappear. You are going to find it impossible to heal because every time he texts or calls, you're pulling the scab off the wound.

Cut him off. Send him a text saying that you are cutting contact because it's best for you and the children. And then block. Explain to the kids that you've gone your separate ways, and then focus on moving on with your life.

OP, I mean this kindly but you need to pull the plug on this.
Where is your anger?, your self respect?
Yes I've no doubt you were upset at what happened but he showed you who he was. You know he likely cheated on you, You know for sure he messaged escorts/prostitutes because he told you!
You are well rid of the coke addled fanny rat but you need to cut the access to his emotional crutch (you)
Nothing good will come of supporting him, he will fill you with as much bollocks as you're willing to hear but still not give a shiny shite about you.
Your comment about he will regret losing you - he won't though, he had you/the opportunity of family life but he still chose drink/drugs/sex above that. Can't you see they were more important to him?
He is using you.
You need to see this.
You deserve better.

Yes I cried earlier. Came home had a good sleep and now I feel very angry actually.

He’s in all kinds of mess but the bottom line is he’s still using (admitted he did last weekend) talking about what he’s going to buy when he moves back into his house and planning sessions with the lads when lockdown is over and a lads holiday next year. My love quite frankly is and was wasted on him. He is like a sponge. Will absorb it and leave me with nothing.

I guess in some small part it’s like a trauma bond here. He’s behaved badly and I am waiting for him to profess his love and show me some love and affection and it soothes me like a drug almost.

It was similar in my marriage he treated me badly but I loved him and lived for the times he showed he loved me and cared about me and made me feel good. Though they were few and far between

I can be honest and grown up enough to admit that. I feel desperately lonely and alone and unloved . I am burying myself in my work as I know I am good at my job and superiors have commented how well I do my job at work (I work with some very challenging people with various issues ) ironic that even in work as in my person life I am around people who I provide help and support to but who are very unlikely to ever take it or change their lives. Perhaps that’s the co dependant part of me at play.

I just wanted to feel safe and secure and loved. To come home to my family and partner who were happy to see me . A partner who would support me (emotionally ) and have my back so to speak. Who would love me and look after me. That’s all. I was too much for him. I know that and deep down probably always did. A woman who’s intelligent who can see through his lies and crap a woman who’s a mother has her own home and is good at her job. A woman who’s been through so so much in life and is still standing. I was too much for someone who might be an adult but really has the mentality of a teenager. Too good for him with my caring ways while he laughed at me and went looking for someone else. But I loved him and it doesn’t stop it from hurting.

Op I am so sorry that you are hurting right now, it is shit, and all these feeling of regret and confusion and what could have been are completely normal. The good news is they will not last forever. You will heal.

However, this man is a shit. He uses drugs and prostitutes and you will never be able to trust him. If you stayed with him you would always have that underlying feeling of “what is he up to now?” That is no way to live.

You children will begin to see him behaviour as the norm and either accept that level of behaviour from a future partner, or partake in that behaviour themselves. Is this what you want? Think carefully every time you think you want to be with him, because of all of the lovely things you thought it might have been. The reality is you are normalising drugs and sex work for your DC. I am sure any parent worth their salt would rather put up with the short term pain of a break up than that.

OP you are hurt because your brain is suffering due to break up. It causes the same type of pain and withdrawl effects when you quit taking something you're addicted to. It means this is temporary and you will feel better soon.

I believe sometimes we get stuck in a relationship and we don't want to be alone hence why we stay with men that are clearly no good to us. Your relationship with him sounded like a nightmare and you need time and distance to see that.

Stay away from him and I promise you that your future self will thank you for it.
Surely your kids will!

I stopped when I read he had messages a gurl via a dating site and asked her for a drink. That would be it for me, over. Why did you bury it? I think you need to work on being much, much kinder to yourself in your choice of men. Good luck OP.

I think I need to work on being much kinder to myself full stop. I am very good at helping looking after and worrying about everyone else. When it comes to me I don’t have a clue what to do or how to do it. It’s easier to pour my love into other people that’s the truth

Sorry your hurting OP but if truth be told you have had a lucky escape!Why would you want a man like that around your children?!You and your kids deserve better.

I'd suggest that you should try some counselling - for yourself. Not couples counselling as that relationship is over. You need to build yourself up on your own.

I am taking part in a mental health webinar one to one session at work later today. And I can access up to 6 sessions of free counselling via my work place too . I can’t go on like this. I blame myself for literally everything not just with him but in general. I have this awful internal voice which tells me things happened because of me. Because I didn’t do this I could have done that I should have done something else. It’s strange as growing up my mum was someone who was tough took no shit and would cut off anyone without a backward glance who treated her like crap or upset her in some way. She’s very stubborn. But I am the total opposite and always always believed you shouldn’t shut the door on people. Maybe seeing her do that and relationships collapse for 25 years or more made me terrified to lose people. I lost people by default because of her cutting them off. So now I am terrified of losing people . Of people leaving me. Of leaving me alone. Of me not being enough to make people stay to make people fight for me. To make people come back. It’s a dreadful way to live and it’s killing me feeling this way. Feeling this level of pain. It’s always been there under the surface and what’s happened recently has just opened Pandora’s box I guess.

My ex husband always said I drive people away and I would end up like my mum lonely and on my own. My heart is absolutely breaking

To answer about the kids. They only ever saw him spending time with them. Making me happy. Making plans for our holiday. They know nothing of and saw nothing of this other side of him. It went on when he was away from here on occasion. He never broke plans with us or called off seeing us or being here to do these things. They literally know nothing whatsoever about that side of him. Hell.... even I only found the full extent of it out very recently and am struggling to tally it with the person he was with us

Good luck today OP with the online session. You are right, he isn’t trying to phase you out, he has. He couldn’t have been clearer.
In some ways you were both looking for another person to fix you. It can be very attractive to play at being a family for him , for a while, then back to partying. Shows him that he’s a good guy and that kids love him.
But it isn’t fair or true for your kids, and you, to be used in this way to validate him. Accept what part you played in this, by hoping he was the person you wanted him to be, and end it properly.
No more gifts to try and get him back on his Mums anniversary, be honest here this was done to rekindle contact. He has chosen not to be with you.
It’s miserable for you but it wasn’t right. The future will be brighter. But not with him.

From reading this thread, my only advice would be to repair and protect your own mental health. You cannot do this with him in your life, in any capacity. No offence, but a coke head who frequents prostitutes isn't great for your family, is it? He needs to help himself, you have tried but it hasn't worked out. All this man will do is drag you down further and further.