Why would a person contradict everything you say?

[Callmecatty]

Like most families in lockdown we have a family whatsapp group so that we can chat to family that we can't see.
A family member on DHs side contradicts everything I say on there and I am fed up of it.
Today, I tested the theory by changing to her viewpoint on a trivial light-hearted matter. Originally, I'd said it was lovely, she had said it was corny, so I changed my viewpoint to hers to see.
She of course then decided it was lovely.
I want to keep contributing to the group for the sake of other family members but the responses I repeatedly get from this family member always contradict anything I say or share and it's getting me down.
Why is she doing this?
On the last family video chat, she blanked me like I wasn't even there. Is she feeling threatened?

@Fizz
@mbosnz

I agree.

Spell it out to your husband.

He's either with you or against you.

She sounds extremely tiresome.

I agree with Fizzy except I wouldn't message 'oh sorry MIL didn't see your message. Took a bit of a break from the chat yesterday, think I'm up to my quota of rolling eye comments for now - maybe speak in the week. Kids are fine! Love x'

I'd probably stay completely silent.
If they chased me personally, I'd selectively misunderstand and put on the chat "DH will get round to filling you in eventually I'm sure!"

Mainly I'd ignore though. If absolutely impossible to ignore I'd feign surprise and ignorance that DH had ignored his mum, how rude, and promise to remind him (all while not actually doing the update myself)

You basically say

"I'll tell DH to take some photos and send them to you!"

"I'll let DH take that one, lol!"

"Sorry, thought DH was getting back to you on that, I'll pass it on!"

Shit like that.

And if addressed directly, don't be in too much of a hurry to answer. "oops sorry, was having a phone free morning!" ( like shite you were )

I think I'd just remove myself from the chat. Sod them.

DH can do the 'wife' work of letting his family know how the kids are going, if they're not going to accept you as a member of the family, and treat you as an equal status member.

He can also deal with any blowback.

DH can have his opinions about how and why you are being treated. You are equally allowed to have yours, and to act on yours, it doesn't require his 'validation'.

But I'd be finding it very hard to be less than chilly with DH.

We did have numerous conversations along those lines, my DH and I.

Leave the group.

She's squashing you down in front of the others because she doesn't want your voice to be an important one in the group chat ( especially if you weren't in it before) but is doing it indirectly to make you feel uncomfortable. Your h can't see it because he's not meant to...it's supposed to be plausibly deniable.

IMHO your best options are a mix of:

Back away from the group but don't make a direct accusation. Be too busy. If asked why in the group issue vague denials, if pushed when away from the group just say I thought you'd prefer to have the chat for the xxx side of the family.

Bounce back immediately so the squash doesn't work. So if she disagrees with you say 'How interesting, I can't wait to discuss it further when we next meet up.' or Fascinating. Id love to hear more.

Agree immediately (oh, ok then) and leave a silence. So for the kids health if she says it's probably nothing say oh let's hope your right and don't mention it until someone asks you directly and then suggest they ring you to discuss so as not to go on about it in the group.

Good luck. I hope you have some nice friends/family in another group chat to keep you sane.

pp are absolutely right, up comes the drawbridge! Say nothing and be very nice. If challenged say "Oh, I'll leave it to him, I seem to get everything wrong don't I?"
In RL if she does this smile and say "Oh there I go, wrong again, laugh and play with your kids or relax with a brew and your feet up"
Fuck them and all this petty bullshit.

Leave the group and tell your husband that from now on, he is responsible for dealing with his family. Updates, gifts, everything. If he doesn't do it, it won't get done.

And mean it.

ust wanted to throw in a perspective from the other side.
I did this to a friend in my teenage years.
I was completely unaware of it until she exploded at me in front of everyone and our friendship never recovered.
I’d say she was the ‘leader’ of the group. I thought she was smart, funny, beautiful and interesting. I also (correctly) had a feeling she was talking about me to the others behind my back. I think it created a hotbed of insecurity and I lightheartedly contradicted everything she said.
When she confronted me I couldn’t believe I’d been doing it but it was true.
It’s definitely made me more self aware but I suppose a few ‘not so subtle’ hints or a private conversation (put kindly) would’ve made me reflect and change my behavior without humiliation. Overall I do think it was a toxic friendship and we were better off going in different directions but it would’ve been nicer to have drifted than for it have ended like it did.

Fast forward a few years and my SIL is doing it to me and I’m so aware of it I think because of my past experience! I’ve tried just sticking to facts or not really getting involved but I feel I appear aloof and that’s not how I want to be.
I’m going to try some not so subtle hints this Christmas (if we see family due to Covid) and I’ll update this thread if I have a breakthrough

Just wanted to throw in a perspective from the other side.
I did this to a friend in my teenage years.
I was completely unaware of it until she exploded at me in front of everyone and our friendship never recovered.
I’d say she was the ‘leader’ of the group. I thought she was smart, funny, beautiful and interesting. I also (correctly) had a feeling she was talking about me to the others behind my back. I think it created a hotbed of insecurity and I lightheartedly contradicted everything she said.
When she confronted me I couldn’t believe I’d been doing it but it was true.
It’s definitely made me more self aware but I suppose a few ‘not so subtle’ hints or a private conversation (put kindly) would’ve made me reflect and change my behavior without humiliation. Overall I do think it was a toxic friendship and we were better off going in different directions but it would’ve been nicer to have drifted than for it have ended like it did.

Fast forward a few years and my SIL is doing it to me and I’m so aware of it I think because of my past experience! I’ve tried just sticking to facts or not really getting involved but I feel I appear aloof and that’s not how I want to be.
I’m going to try some not so subtle hints this Christmas (if we see family due to Covid) and I’ll update this thread if I have a breakthrough

Does she have her own children? Are they older than yours? Maybe she's either jealous if she doesn't have children and yours are getting all the attention that she wants or if she's got older children she might want to come across as the more experienced parent.

Quite simply she doesn't like you. Some people are insecure about certain things could be a whole number of reasons. My ex wife is like this around my partner, as Ive told her you have to call them out on it. I'd put it on the group 'whats your problem? Why do you feel the need to always contract me?
See how she responds.

I would call her out/make her aware of it but in a very neutral observer-type way - so if she contradicts herself, post “how interesting, you’ve changed your mind since last week, do you see it differently now?” . If she says you are worrying too much, post “yes kids do fall but as you know its different when its one of your own, we all love our kids very much don’t we!” She seems to be acting out of insecurity so try to make your reply as neutral and bland as possible.

Stay in the group and chat away OP I would BUT I would have no interaction with her what so ever ...I wouldnt acknowledge she was ther eor reply at all. I am mean like this though and I tend to treat people like they treat me so for example you are taking to the inlaws and she jumps on carry on as you were no hello XXX how are you is everything ok? no non of that ..yes mil I was going to tell you what XXX did the other day ..we were at the park blah blah blah..then oh we never go to the park says her because..you jump back in with so what you been doing mil? you act like you havent even seen the comment you just ignore ..no matter what she types you carry on as you were as if she want there...she will learn!!! Go on try t!!!

This is an older thread from a few months ago, but just to update that I have since removed myself from the group.
I tried a few suggested techniques, but found that she was still getting under my skin. I've created a new group without her in it to discuss anything important with MIL regarding DCs/ covid etc and included DH within the group. I've taken her control away and created some headspace for myself which has felt positive.
My absence from the main family group has been noted, with DH giving some half-story about me needing to limit Social media, but nobody has confronted me.

@HollowTalk

I would click on Reply where she'd said the opposite and quote her, saying "Just testing..."

This!

Damn, I have got to read the whole thread before replying! Sorry, OP.

Sounds like you have solved it though.

There are women who just don't like other women. They are usually pretty dominant or need to be the centre of attention. Despite seemingly confident or arrogant, they are usually easily threatened by the presence of other women and have sharp elbows.

They don't understand the concept of being equal to someone. Everything's a competition in which they are either a winner or loser. They have a very hierarchical view of people generally, where everyone is either dominant or subordinate and they are like that particularly with women. They often do cringey things such as try too hard to be blokey or be 'cool' with not so funny jokes. They need the approval or adoration of the males around them, and if that means stepping on other women, then so be it.