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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why would a person contradict everything you say?

69 replies

Callmecatty · 03/05/2020 13:15

Like most families in lockdown we have a family whatsapp group so that we can chat to family that we can't see.
A family member on DHs side contradicts everything I say on there and I am fed up of it.
Today, I tested the theory by changing to her viewpoint on a trivial light-hearted matter. Originally, I'd said it was lovely, she had said it was corny, so I changed my viewpoint to hers to see.
She of course then decided it was lovely.
I want to keep contributing to the group for the sake of other family members but the responses I repeatedly get from this family member always contradict anything I say or share and it's getting me down.
Why is she doing this?
On the last family video chat, she blanked me like I wasn't even there. Is she feeling threatened?

OP posts:

Notredamn · 03/05/2020 14:03

Everyone else can see it so at least that's the benefit of it being on group whatsapp. She's making a dick of herself.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/05/2020 14:07

I'd be suffixing my next comment to the group with

" (and waits for to contradict me in 3, 2, ...) "

To hell with it opening a can of worms - that can needs to be opened ASAP.

OutOntheTilez · 03/05/2020 14:12

Yes, she definitely values men over women.

You should try what Getlostu and WhereYouLeftIt say. That should shut her down and she'll be left twisting in the wind with no comebacks.

EdwynCollins · 03/05/2020 14:16

Please do what Getlostu suggested.
And report back

winterisstillcoming · 03/05/2020 14:25

You're describing my SIL! It's so annoying. Simpers to my husband. Ignores me or derails the conversation if she feels the attention is too much on what I'm talking about.

KingaRoo · 03/05/2020 14:30

The thing that would concern me here is that your DH seems to be belittling your feelings while supporting his sister and explaining away her nastiness every time.

Original poster

Callmecatty · 03/05/2020 14:51

@winterisstillcoming yes. When the attention is on what I'm talking about this is exactly what she does. I don't think I'll bother with the group chat, it's really getting me down. Any other circumstances there wouldn't be so much focus on the group chat to stay in touch so I wouldn't usually bother.

OP posts:

Sparkles333 · 03/05/2020 15:07

Ive had this experience with an In law always wanting to do it better or know more than you and trying to put you down. My In-law even got me to take an IQ test after she had taken one in front of my other half as she stood there smug watching and waiting, i thought here we go but im gonna have to do it otherwise she'll thrive on the fact that i backed out, but bit her in the bum when my IQ came back a good few higher than hers, her face dropped and i was chuffed not in a bragging way but just to shut her up 😉

Wanderlust21 · 03/05/2020 15:10

Standard middle of the road narcissist who has picked you as her target to bully, unfortunately.

winterisstillcoming · 03/05/2020 15:49

My husband is the same, doesn't see it for what it is because if he does, it would be admitting that someone on his family has a PROBLEM. and we can't have that as they are all perfect.

After 10 +years the rest of his fam totally see it for what it is and while they don't openly stick up for me, they ignore her, as I do. When she does antagonise you, do other people agree with her, or stay out of it?

I deal with it by ignoring her and waiting until someone else changes the subject. Or just start a side convo with a few others using the excuse that I don't want to clog up the family thread, or I didn't want to worry his mother. People understand

winterisstillcoming · 03/05/2020 15:53

I think if you were to call her out, do it in a clever way that makes her look bad.

So if she's minimising you're feelings, you are well within your rights to stay 'this may be trivial to you but I'm really worried and your comments are causing me more upset at this difficult time. If you can't show concern or sympathy, please keep your contradictions to yourself. Thank you everyone else for your kind replies, I shall pass them on'.

She'll soon slope off and the rest of them will distance themselves too.

K1999 · 03/05/2020 15:54

I agree with what someone else said, low self esteem and jealously. Feel bad for her instead of taking it personally.

Puds11 · 03/05/2020 15:58

I think for the A & E one I would have replied to her snarky comment about kids falling with ‘obviously I’m referring to the risk of covid’ which then makes her look daft. Next time she is contrary I’d just reply saying ‘Naturally’ with a winky face in reference to her always disagreeing.

TenShortStories · 03/05/2020 16:09

Sounds like classic unpleasant insecurity - you feel lesser than someone so pull them down or belittle them in order to make yourself appear superior/more sensible/funnier/cleverer. Are you her only SIL? That makes you obvious competition. Is there a lot of one-upmanship and being right taking precedence over being kind in your husband's family generally? Might explain why he's blind to it - it's so common place that he can't see anything to be concerned about.

amber763 · 03/05/2020 16:19

She sounds like an arsehole. Agree with "jokingly" calling her out on it x

Original poster

Callmecatty · 03/05/2020 16:27

@TenShortStories a lot of one-up-man-ship goes on. A lot of I'm-right-youre-wrong type of behaviour.

The family aren't likely to acknowledge anything or sympathise with me if I said anything as blood is very obviously thicker than water. Blood members are allowed to call each other out, but others get written off if you do.

OP posts:

TorkTorkBam · 03/05/2020 16:30

Jealous insecure dick of a woman.

I suspect everyone in the family has actually noticed but ignore it because you are clearly higher status. It sounds like when she is contrary in the chat, like with your child, the others ignored her too.

It is liberating if you can change your internal reaction from being annoyed to feeling a slightly smug superior pity for her. The high status person does not need pithy comebacks. The high status person ignores the offender. You have no need for her approval. You have no need to respond to her opinion.

Imagine her as an annoying yappy litttle dog who starts yapping the moment the big dog gets petted. Let it wash over you.

You could of course block her so you don't see her messages at all. Seeing as you'll be ignoring them, no need to even see them.

mbosnz · 03/05/2020 16:31

I'd tell my DH that she's being a proper little bitch to me, and he can try and avoid it any way he wants, but if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it's a bloody duck, and I'm not impressed with him trying to minimise her rudeness, rather than having my back and supporting my right to be treated with courtesy and respect by all members of his family, as they have the right to be treated by me.

And then I'd make it very obvious that I was ignoring her 'contributions, and valued her opinion about as much as she values mine.

My SIL and I have had a . . . complex relationship. Along the way we had one hell of a blow up, and after that we didn't like each other very much, but by crikey, lines in the sand were drawn, that it was known that to go beyond them was very dangerous indeed. These days we actually get on pretty well. But it took a while!

FizzyGreenWater · 03/05/2020 16:36

then finds a reason/excuse for each contradiction rather than looking at the whole picture.

THIS is the only real problem.

I would not stand for being undermined and put down (or some twat trying to) and my husband not standing up for me.

Sit him down and be 100% clear.

'Your sister is being a bitch to me. If you don't start standing up for me, I'm going to start being stroppy back. And when we fall out, I won't be hurrying to make up, and I won't want our kids round her so that they can watch their mum being belittled and their dad laughing it off.'

Straight down the line. His loyalites should be with you. If they're not - he can fuck you making the effort with his shitty sister.

rvby · 03/05/2020 16:42

Who cares? She doesnt sound very bright or self aware. Just leave her to it. Hunting for drama on a group chat is really not worth doing, ever.

fronttoback · 03/05/2020 16:55

She sounds like a right pain in the arse.
I'd stick to unassailable facts from now on, and never express an opinion about anything either way, unless you are agreeing with what another family member has said, that you know she can't disagree with.

Original poster

Callmecatty · 04/05/2020 06:56

I think I'll stick with the facts. Ive thought of this before but get coerced into deeper conversations.
Spoke to DH again who reeled off a list of times she hasn't been contradictory, along with times she's been complimentary towards me. It doesn't seem to matter unless it's happening ALL the time. 🤔
Makes me then question myself.
Had a long think yesterday and I don't think any of the family members really want to listen to what I have to say anyway, they're a close-knit family and I've never really felt a part of that. I'm a passage to information about the children as DH never posts anything about them on the group and ILs obviously want to know/see what they're doing at the moment.

OP posts:

TorkTorkBam · 04/05/2020 14:10

Leave DH to do the updates then. Bloody ridiculous that you think you have to be on his family group chat being treated badly because he can't be arsed to tell his family what the kids are up to. Step away, make him wipe his own arse.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/05/2020 14:19

I'm a passage to information about the children as DH never posts anything about them on the group and ILs obviously want to know/see what they're doing at the moment.

Then fuck them. You've tried to talk to your DH again and he's let you down once more.

Go silent on the chat.

Mil: 'Oh Callmecatty how are the children'

silence

you, a day later:

'oh sorry MIL didn't see your message. Took a bit of a break from the chat yesterday, think I'm up to my quota of rolling eye comments for now - maybe speak in the week. Kids are fine! Love x

They don't take criticism well? That's going to be rather a shame, then.

3rdNamechange · 04/05/2020 14:30

Great response from @FizzyGreenWater

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