New boyfriend doesn't like to talk!!! About anything!!

[FirstTimer861]

Hey, just after some advice..
I have been dating a guy for about 6 months. Pre lockdown we were always doing things, he is a very generous guy always pays when we are together, we had booked 2 holidays together (didn't end up happening because of corona) all in all we have a blast and he's lovely.

Now... we are obviously in lockdown. We haven't quarantined together just because he wanted his base to be closer to his mum incase she needed him. (Don't all yell at once) We have however seen each other on 2 occasions. He has come to mine and spent the weekend.

Now, pre lockdown... I thought I was falling in love with this guy.
During lockdown. And the fact that the weekends we do spend together are in the house chilling and watching TV. I have no idea what I am doing in a relationship with this guy!

Doesn't really like to talk. Which I knew, but when our attention was taken by other things it wasn't a problem. Now I find myself talking all sorts of crap just to fill the time, and after a day together I'm wishing he would leave!
It's so boring!! He's so boring!!
I like to talk shit, but I like to have contribution from the other party. He doesn't ask questions, not even really sure if he's interested tbh!

On the rare occasion he did share something, it's good and we have a conversation and I ask questions and try and stretch the topic out as much as I can... but then he'll clam up and say he's just not a talker. Not even about feelings or anything heavy. Just chit chat!

I guess my question is to those that are in a relationship with 'non talkers' does it change? Will it get better?
And do I just dump him? Or should I wait for 'normal' life to be resumed before taking such a massive step considering pre lockdown I actually saw a future with this guy?

Oh wow.. that was a long one! If you made it this far then thanks!

My Ex and I had a lot of issues, but when we stopped talking/chatting I knew I had to leave.

@Zaphodsotherhead no inner life? Pray tell me more!

@IWasThereToo

I can't remember what it's called! But I mentioned this guy before on threads and got hauled over the coals for describing him as just 'switching off' like a robot because he had no imagination, no ability to empathise - it was like nothing went on inside his head. As though he never did the 'inner monologue' thing, you know, where you kind of have imagination and constantly run through alternatives in your head, visualise stuff...basically an 'inner life'

Apparently there is a condition (and it's apparently suffered by some on MN) where you don't have any kind of inner life. I was told about it and corrected. Hopefully someone who suffers from it can tell you more! It must be an awful thing, but I'm not sure that some sufferers even realise they have it. My guy actually thought EVERYONE was like him!

Oh my life! How interesting is that. I'd love to know more but don't know where to start with a google search, what search words to use!

I wish I could find the thread (and the name of the poster who enlightened me)! It was about a year ago. It came up when we were discussing people, who, asked about what they were thinking, could literally answer 'nothing'. I couldn't imagine anyone not having any thoughts in their head at all, which was what my bloke used to say. He had 'no thoughts'. But it's a real thing!

He can't communicate during good times, just imagine how he'd be when you have an issue to resolve. He is emotionally unavailable and this will never change. End it and move on. Now is the perfect time to do so.

@Zaphodsotherhead

Google "no inner monologue/narrative", there's load of articles about it.

It's @IWasThereToo who wants to know.

I've already got a grounding in it. It's the actual medical term I can't remember.

Oh thanks for that! I'll take a look.

Sorry OP to have high jacked your thread here!

As a recent PP said, if he can't meet you in the good times, it will only be worse in the bad. Imagine going through hardships (as well as the good times) and trying to share it with him on some meaningful level? You could find it soul destroying.

My dp is like this. 4 years on and he’s still pretty much the same and when he does find something he wants to chat about I have zero interest in it.
It’s the only issue in the relationship but it’s a big one. As you’re still at the start of this I’d definitely make sure it’s something you’d be willing to put up with long term before continuing it.

My DP can be like this 😕. When we are busy it's fine... having him home all the time during lock down has been a bit revealing unfortunately.

Argh, no, OP, you need to knock this relationship on the head and find someone else!

If you stay, he won't change. But you will. You'll become a witterer, who ends up filling the silence with all sorts of trivial, repetitive nonsense.

You must have met couples like this - the man grunts occasionally and the woman does both halves of the conversation, burbling away with constant, meaningless chatter. You listen to it, appalled, and think "poor bloke can't get a word in edgeways. Does she ever stop talking? And what on earth makes her think I care about the time her neighbour's daughter's cat nearly got hit by a car but didn't?"

What you don't realise is that he made her like this. Get out, get out now. Find someone with something to contribute to the discourse :)

I’m only half-joking when I say one of the reasons why I had DC is for somebody else to talk to. His family are like that too. Eating meals in virtual silence. It’s mattering more to me but luckily I have some good friends so my conversational needs are met by them.

It's a bit of a standing joke though isn't it? I've seen cartoons where the husband sits behind his newspaper at breakfast while the wife tells him she is having an affair with the milkman and he just says something like 'Yes dear'. I expect there are a few on here who will look at their DP's with fresh eyes after more weeks of enforced togetherness.

Mines the same. The bit a pp put about them interrupting you to mention something mundane, normally a passer by.
'im sorry I just had to.point it out.'

In my case I think it's purposefully done to undermine, because I'm interested and bright and what he can't consume he crushes.

I was also young and stupid and I just thought it was him being him and that being different to me.

I was wrong, don't stay. He will drain the life out of you until there is nothing left.

Another thing mine does is ignore/half listen to a story i.e act like it's quite boring or my opinion doesn't make sense, then I overhear him taking other people about my stories and opinions. Interesting!

Men have fragile egos. The ones like this don't give a shit.

The no inner dialogue is interesting. Off to Google. My DP doesn't do small talk or chatter. He is however an awesome listener and is patient when I talk loads.

He won't change and not will your DP. I like to think of it terms of "the power of the introvert in a world that can't stop talking" context.

Give him a problem to solve and his strength shines through. It also means he is the opposite of demanding on my time. If I want to read, chat to my kids, visit friends, run anything really. He can amuse himself and is not needy. Evening with him are usually a film, TV, cooking together, planning projects or sex which works for me. These are meaningful dialogues. Philosophy and political debate no.

It takes a bit of getting used to but luckily I knew him well before getting together. He's quiet unless there's a purpose or need to say something. The lack of mindless chatting suits me as I'm often all peoples out after a day at work. There's a calmness being with him in my space but not dominating it.

Sounds awful. My x was like this. I felt like I was the one making the effort to MAKE conversation. Argh.

From your post it's actually hard to tell if you talk too much or he doesn't talk enough. Maybe a bit of both ?

All silence doesn't need to be filled with conversation every minute of everyday. If I was with someone who couldn't handle some quiet time reading a book or playing a game or whatever, I'd find it exhausting. On the other hand, someone who doesn't talk at all can also be frustrating.

It doesn't really matter though. Bottom line - you're a talker, he isn't, sounds like you don't enjoy living with someone like him. As pp's have said, he's as likely to talk more, as you are to talk less. Assume he is not going to change and decide if it's a deal breaker for you.

My dh hardly makes conversation. He will answer back if I ask him things but it’s one word answers. He’s socially awkward most the time around people even my family. After 20 years together I know he won’t change. I blame his narcissistic mother who would never let him have an opinion and still try’s to control him now. It is lonely and Iv tried to leave many times but I stay because it’s all Iv know and it’s secure. Crap I no

wantmorenow - it's fine if they fulfil a need in you. I met my OH when I was not long out of a bad breakup and was looking for someone quiet, accepting, not challenging every thought I had.

I didn't realise that he didn't challenge me because he literally had no thoughts. I could be trying to discuss a matter that involved both of us with him (where to go on holiday, say, or a recent spate of redundancies at work) and he would sit like a deanimated robot, appearing to listen, and then say 'It's going to rain tomorrow, I'd better cut the grass.' Because that was the thought that was in his head.

Guess I was trying to put the balance to it that some folk like this are not necessarily awful or full or even borderline dysfunctional. To the right partner they're perfect. DP has a cracking sense of humour too.

Mine will offer opinions but really only if asked. He seems to save it up for stuff that's worthwhile. His advice and wisdom are really valuable to me as he seems to see through the superfluous shit.

He does need time to think first though usually. Very measured.

Some of the scenarios described above sound draining and joyless. Also not very adult or true partners.

Thank you all for your opinions.
One really struck a cord, maybe I do talk too much. Maybe I'm compensating for the lack of conversation and pushing it because in my lockdown head this 'problem' has become a massive thing.

I'm due to see him again in a week or so. So I think I'll see how this one plays out for a little longer.

He will never be that guy that I can have a passionate debate with. But I guess I just need to decide if I'm ok with that.

When I originally wrote this post I felt like I had had the worst weekend with him and was ready to run! But on reflection, I think I was also comparing him to a guy friend who I can literally talk to for hours.

So I'm gonna take this all onboard! But not do anything too drastic just yet lol.

OP next time you see him I’d try to stay quiet and see what he does. Work out how much you over talk and how much he under talks!
I’m quite quiet and I see mine and DP ability to sit quietly together and feel content and not awkward as a positive thing but maybe my DP is thinking it’s boring!

I find small talk quite draining, especially if I've been responding to my 4 DC's needs recently. Their father was like someone mentioned upthread: quiet and bored with me, but animated with others and would repeat things I'd said as if they were his own thoughts. He made me feel very dull for not saying much, too. Called me anti-social etc.

When I left him and spent a happy few years single, I knew that if I settled down again, it'd have to be with someone like me (rather than the complete opposite which had attracted me in my twenties). I'm now happily married to a lovely quiet man. We probably talk to each other more now we know each other better. One of our early dates was at a restaurant and it was a bit uncomfortable when the conversation didn't flow. I don't think we went for a meal again for ages. Walks were better because it feels more natural to walk together in silence for a bit than sit looking at each other across a table! Or we just hung out at home and did stuff - crosswords, TV, make food, and then there could be intermittent chat without the pressure to keep it going.

I remember the first time I took a reading book over when I went to his house and the enjoyment of reading next to him on the sofa - so much nicer than reading on my own!

I would say, if you want to give it a bit of time like you say, then make time to do stuff alongside him. How would he feel if you called a friend for a chat while he was there? If it was me, I'd happily read and then ask you how your friend was afterwards!

But equally, if there is a mismatch, don't feel bad about ending it. Maybe it just means you'll be happier with someone chattier and he'll be happier with a quieter woman.