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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend will not meet my friends

50 replies

StaceyLWard · 02/05/2020 19:26

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years.

He will not meet my best friends of 2 years. I met them all through work and our group is like a family. At the end of every month we always have a big night out and some of us go for a drink after work in the week.

I keep asking my boyfriend to come to one of them and meet them but every time he either refuses or says he will but then when the time comes he doesnt mention it and doesnt come.

My friends mean a lot to me as I dont have much family so they are like my family. It upsets me that he doesnt want to meet them and I've told him this. When I go out with them he will either text or call me to ask who I'm with.

Is this something to worry about? I feel like he doesn't care that it upsets me or that they do mean a lot to me.

OP posts:
the30thIsOnHoldInLockdown · 02/05/2020 19:54

I think it depends on what he's like to determine whether it's worrying or not.

Is he shy? Have you met his friends? Does he socialise much?

Chillipeanuts · 02/05/2020 19:57

Just sounds like it’s not his thing, which I totally understand.

Doesn’t really matter atm though does it, you won’t be meeting them for quite some time.

JKScot4 · 02/05/2020 19:58

They’re work colleagues, your friends why do they need to be his friends?
You don’t need to do everything together, leave him be.

brassbrass · 02/05/2020 20:00

Have you met his friends and family?

If not I'd be worried about him not being as invested in the relationship. After 3 years it's very odd that he isn't more interested in the people who are important to you. This is a red flag but I think you already know this.

Are you both quite young?

Original poster
StaceyLWard · 02/05/2020 20:06

I've met all of his family and met some of his friends.

He's not a shy guy at all he's pretty confident and works in a very public environment so he has no problem with meeting people.

They're both the biggest parts of my life so I want them to meet each other and my friends have always been welcoming to him. We don't all have to be together all the time but I would like them to meet.

I'm 25 and he's 32. My friends are a mix of between my age and his.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 02/05/2020 20:09

I mean...I wouldn’t want to go out with DH’s work friends either.

brassbrass · 02/05/2020 20:11

Well then he should make an effort!

If you want to be treated as an equal in a relationship you need to stick up for yourself. Be prepared to walk away. You're only 25 with your whole life ahead of you. It's ok that you want him to meet your friends it's not ok that he keeps fobbing you off.

Inconnu · 02/05/2020 20:24

Has he explained why?

longtimecomin · 02/05/2020 20:45

Has he slept with one of them in the past? Or maybe knows them historically?

Tinyhumansurvivalist · 02/05/2020 20:50

My dp is the same. Hates being around my friends. He has a high powered stressful job, it boils down to not wanting to have to make an effort with small talk in his free time.

I get it, I don't like it but its who he is. He has no family and no friends particularly. He lost his fiancée and their young daughter in a car crash (he wasn't in the car) he blamed himself and went through some very dark years. His friends really didn't know how to handle it and eventually stopped trying. I think it has left him with issues around connecting with people and the risk of then losing them.

You've been with him for 3 years... I'd give up forcing him. Is it a deal breaker for you?

MartySouth · 02/05/2020 21:00

I don't really understand why this is bothering you right now. Nobody has been able to go for a night out for well over a month and we don't have any idea when the next opportunity will be.It seems a strange thing to worry about at the moment as there can't possibly be any group outings on the horizon.

The questions to ask yourself right now are, do you get on well with him? Do you communicate well? Do you have a nice time together? Is he considerate and kind? Does he talk about your life together as if he sees it as a long term thing?

The situation with your friends really can't be sorted out right now.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 02/05/2020 21:04

I think it’s weird. I know my Dh’s friends, one of them is godfather to our eldest. I’ve known him nearly as long as I’ve known Dh. We regularly socialise together. He knows all my friends too. Who do you hang out with if you go out as a couple?

Thingsdogetbetter · 02/05/2020 21:06

Stop trying to being him to your regular get together. I couldn't think of anything worse. I'd feel paraded as token bf. You and your friends have a fixed dynamic and that's horrible for someone outside the circle to have to deal with. Are you expecting him to sit there at your after work drinks for hours? Maybe suggest he picks you up , has a quick drink and you leave together to go on somewhere.

Or bring them to him, one at a time, when you're out with other mutual friends.

I'd feel like a performing monkey dragged into a group dynamic like that.

brassbrass · 02/05/2020 21:09

Is he considerate and kind?

Lol because a kind considerate boyfriend would behave like this.

BeetrootRocks · 02/05/2020 21:10

It's not everyone's cup of tea.

He's met your family and you've met his friends so it's not like there's anything suspicious going on.

I think this is fine tbh. I don't think it would it would bother me.

Tbh when I was in my early 30s and everyone got paired up and we had to have all the partners out as well it changed the whole flavour of my friendship group in a not great way. DH is quite shy and also felt like a lot of the other blokes were dicks. (This particular friendship group was all female). And I agreed with him tbh!

I'm fairly gregarious and like going out with his friends who are awesome. But they like me independently iyswim not as a 'girlfriend of mate'. Wife now I suppose! Tbh when they bring their other halves it's a bit hideous as well.

In short op it's fine and possibly good.

EnoughAlready2020 · 02/05/2020 21:11

I'm sorry but I actually think this is a red flag. If you love your friends, the least he could do is meet them - you're not asking him to marry them. It's obviously important to you so it should be important to him. I think it's a way of isolating you and getting you to choose between him and them.

BeetrootRocks · 02/05/2020 21:11

Possibly he's worried of being judged and them all saying after he's not the right one or something, as well.

brassbrass · 02/05/2020 21:15

He's met your family and you've met his friends where on earth have you got this from? It isn't even that long a thread?!

Goingtogetflamed · 02/05/2020 21:16

Why Are you meeting them now anyway?

brassbrass · 02/05/2020 21:19

beetroot you're projecting your own life. It's not appropriate to OP and not everyone else's experience. She needs to decide for herself if her boyfriend and her friends will get on and be part of each others lives.

Concerned7777 · 02/05/2020 21:19

My DH hasnt met most of my work colleagues who I think the world of but he respects my friendships and doesnt mind at all when we socialise out of work. Like wise his best friends I dont necessarily socialise with either.

We have different sets of friends which are my friends, his friends and then our friends which are mutual on both sides. Both me and DH hate forced friendships or gatherings it makes 1 or both of us uncomfortable so we just dont force each other to do It

Original poster
StaceyLWard · 02/05/2020 21:21

I know at the minute we're not able to go out anywhere but I'm thinking about past events and now me and my friends are talking of stuff we want to do when were able to and it has got me thinking.

I get people saying he shouldn't be like a regular at the social events or a token boyfriend but all I'm asking him to do is meet them. He wont even pick me up after I've been out in the week or even just come at the last ten minutes to say hi. He just avoids it all together. He knows they mean a lot to me. He does make sarcastic comments sometimes about it, so I do get the feeling he's made a judgement on them without meeting them and it does upset me and he knows it.

For me it is a bit of a deal breaker because for me it does come down to the effort of meeting them.

OP posts:
brassbrass · 02/05/2020 21:21

Presumably concerned you met at least once to arrive at that conclusion? OP hasn't had that luxury. Her boyfriend has avoided it for 3 years.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2020 21:22

When I go out with them he will either text or call me to ask who I'm with.

Huge red flag. He's not the one for you.

Concerned7777 · 02/05/2020 21:34

@brassbrass we have been together 20 years this isn't a huge issue for us we are equally happy to have some separate friendships. He will always pick me up at the end of the night but if I nagged him to come in and chat for the last 10 minutes he would probably stop coming. Tbh I wouldn't do it either, people altogether drinking and socialising for hours then I turn up at the end sober not knowing anyone and expected to be everybody's best mate and getting in with the party no thanks.

OP do you have mutual friends that you both socialise with?

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