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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend will not meet my friends

50 replies

StaceyLWard · 02/05/2020 19:26

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years.

He will not meet my best friends of 2 years. I met them all through work and our group is like a family. At the end of every month we always have a big night out and some of us go for a drink after work in the week.

I keep asking my boyfriend to come to one of them and meet them but every time he either refuses or says he will but then when the time comes he doesnt mention it and doesnt come.

My friends mean a lot to me as I dont have much family so they are like my family. It upsets me that he doesnt want to meet them and I've told him this. When I go out with them he will either text or call me to ask who I'm with.

Is this something to worry about? I feel like he doesn't care that it upsets me or that they do mean a lot to me.

OP posts:

Samtsirch · 02/05/2020 21:38

OP could he meet all of your friends individually first ; ie meet just one or 2 of your friends at a time in more relaxed circumstances rather than in a large social group on an organised night out ?
If he still objects to this, then I would ask him why.
If his objections were not reasonable to me then I would have to begin reconsidering the relationship.

Concerned7777 · 02/05/2020 21:39

And I wouldn't call the meetings of friends scenario a luxury more an uncomfortable social experience! You can't force friendships between your DP and friends they either evolve naturally or they dont

brassbrass · 02/05/2020 21:39

concerned your last post is irrelevant. OP's boyfriend has avoided meeting the people who are important to her for 3 years.

That is not ok. Whatever works for you doesn't apply here does it. You at least meet each others 'people' at the beginning of a long term relationship and then you either mix regularly or you find a dynamic with some groups and not others.

But just avoiding people for 3 years without even having met them once is really fucking odd and let's not pretend otherwise.

Lynda07 · 02/05/2020 21:42

Maybe he would be prepared to meet one or two, perhaps with their boyfriends, rather than a full on group which can be intimidating even if a person is not shy. How about you invite one friend with her man out for a drink as a start.

Concerned7777 · 02/05/2020 21:47

I don't have the same set of work friends then that I do now! My DH hasnt met my current work friends I've never asked him too hes never wanted too don't see why it needs to be a deal breaker. Is it not allowed to have own friends that partners aren't associated with?
I dont agree that OP dp should make suggestive comments or assumptions about her friends but no way should he be forced to meet or become friends with them too

BackforGood · 02/05/2020 21:52

I can understand him not wanting to "come to your colleagues' get together", but what seems odd to me is that, over a period of three years, if these two friends are so important / close to you, and your boyfriend is too, that there haven't been any events that you would all have gone to, separate from these 'work get together's.

Haven't any of you had a birthday? Or why haven't you invited them to your house - BBQ, or for dinner, or a party for any or no reason, or attended something together. Or just attended something together - a gig or even a bonfire or something.

It does seem odd / worrying to me that you've not introduced important people in your lives to each other in all that time.

brassbrass · 02/05/2020 21:52

I think you're hung up on the term 'work friends'

Read OPs post again. These friends are important to her. If your DH repeatedly avoided meeting people important to you and didn't care that it upset you you would be ok with that? FFS

brassbrass · 02/05/2020 21:54

backforgood she's met his people. He hasn't bothered to meet hers in 3 years.

Tootletum · 02/05/2020 22:02

He's not in it for the long haul, simple as that.

Concerned7777 · 02/05/2020 22:06

Think maybe I probably forced the issue when we was younger and it wasn't the smash hit friendship set off that imagined it to be. No one was rude or unkind it wasnt an unpleasant time but it was probably uncomfortable all round. The only thing in common was me, no good times to reminisce about between us all or stories to re live and re tell.
I think OP is expecting or wanting some kind of close friendships between the lot of them where they socialise when clearly her DP doesnt want this. If he did 1 day meet up for a drink would OP be happy and thats it or would she want further social gatherings together?

Butterymuffin · 02/05/2020 22:09

He does make sarcastic comments sometimes about it, so I do get the feeling he's made a judgement on them without meeting them

So he makes unkind or judgemental comments about them? Not just about being expected to meet them?

I also don't like him texting / calling 'to see who you're with' on these nights. He knows. That feels more like a marker that he doesn't like you being with them. I would not answer texts or calls from him when out with them anymore.

Do you live together? Has that been discussed?

GreenGlassVase · 02/05/2020 22:12

Does he meet your family ?
If not it’s a red flag for me.
My ex boyfriend didn’t like anyone, and then when we were invited, refused to go to a family Christening at the last minute, leaving me to go alone. He’d met them before.

He didn’t want to be with me I guess, I was ok to have around and share bills with, but he didn’t want me as family.
So we split up.

brassbrass · 02/05/2020 22:19

Fuck knows concerned

You have to meet someone at least once don't you to begin forming an opinion? He hasn't even done it once in 3 years of her asking AND feeling upset about his failure to do so.

Do you still need it explaining?

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 02/05/2020 22:41

Does he try to dissuade you from meeting your friends?

serpil7979 · 02/05/2020 22:44

Enoughalready2020 is right. My ex never wanted to spend time with my friends and family and we were together for 4 years and have a 2.5yrs old child. Didn't think it was serious but then realised it was the way of him isolating me from everyone around me so there was no third party who could see his true colours. Read about relationship issues and check the signs if there is more issues between you and him. Your bf could have come maybe once to make you happy but he isn't doing it. Maybe he isn't letting you enjoy the time with your friends but making you feel guilty by not communicating with you when you're out . It might not be anything serious or something you shouldn't ignore. Depends how you feel and i would definitely follow my instincts, i ignored when i saw the red flags at the very beginning of my relationship and ended up being a single mum. I think mine is narcissist, his stepmum warned me few times but didn't understand why she was telling he was useless and i deserved better etc. But i know she was right now. Remember you don't waste your precious time for someone who doesn't make you happy and doesn't respect you. Whether he is hiding something or there is nothing to worry about, you are trying to find an answer so that means there is something not right. Do you go to see his friends and family with him ? Sorry i had to write it anonymously.

Concerned7777 · 02/05/2020 22:48

As I said he is totally wrong for making assumptions about her friends without meeting them in no way Is that acceptable on any level. I'm just intrigued to know what she wants from her DP meeting her friends? Is it just to tick the box to say they have met or Is she expecting something more to evolve?

Rainbowqueeen · 02/05/2020 22:53

Op has it exactly right. This is worrying you for a reason
The type of relationship you want and need is one where your boyfriend is happy to meet your friends and happy for you to go out with them

Your boyfriend is neither. He’s not the one for you. Other people might be ok with this but you are not. I would not be either.
Y

Concerned7777 · 02/05/2020 22:53

He shouldn't have to meet the friends but he shouldn't be an arsehole about them either when she meets them that is completely unacceptable

NoMoreDickheads · 02/05/2020 23:51

I think PP's are getting the wrong end of the stick insomuch as yes, boyfriends don't have to be in our friends' pockets, but there's usually a phase of meeting friends at least once, which happens fairly early in a relationship.

@StaceyLWard The checking up on who you're with is far more disturbing, whereas the not meeting friends thing is disappointing.

What sort of things does he say/ask/do when he checks up on you?

BackforGood · 02/05/2020 23:56

I know BrassBrass. that's what I commented on. The oddity that the OP's partner of 3 years, hasn't ever met, nor spent any time with people that are a big part of her life / close friends to her.

I'm all for having friendships that don't necessarily involve your partner, but when friends are close, then, over time, you would expect your partner to have met them a few times, even if you still don't go on the regular nights out, was the point I made.

HolyWells · 03/05/2020 00:01

What strikes me about this is that he’s been the OP’s boyfriend for three years, but her ‘best friends’, who are ‘like family’, are workmates she’s only been friends with for two. Perhaps he just doesn’t take them seriously as friendships?

RantyAnty · 03/05/2020 01:04

It is a bit weird he won't even meet them just one time.

You say he makes remarks about them. Does he think they're beneath him or something like that?

BeetrootRocks · 03/05/2020 01:08

Has moved on a bit but apparently I am imagining that op has met his parents and friends and I'm projecting

It was in OPs 2nd post:

'
I've met all of his family and met some of his friends.'

BeetrootRocks · 03/05/2020 01:11

'He wont even pick me up after I've been out in the week or even just come at the last ten minutes to say hi. He just avoids it all together. He knows they mean a lot to me. He does make sarcastic comments sometimes about it, so I do get the feeling he's made a judgement on them without meeting them and it does upset me and he knows it.'

Hmm well that's a bit different.

Not popping in to say hello, and not picking you up when presumably that's a thing he does for you other times, is a bit weird.

Not even wanting to wave say hello and fuck off again is pretty extreme.

And he says things he knows upset you?

What sort of comments does he make? How can he even comment when he's never met them?!

CaptainBlunderpants · 03/05/2020 09:18

The two things that concern me are that he texts and calls you to see who you’re with and makes sarcastic comments about them. That’s not ok and could be start of him not wanting you to see them.

Or as someone else said maybe he has history with one of them or maybe he doesn’t want to meet them as a big group. Either way the first point is concerning.

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