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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Question about inappropriate sibling

44 replies

Annamaria14 · 02/05/2020 17:45

I am in my thirties. I have one brother. I am so sad about all of this.

As adults me and my brother were close. But when we were children he did a bit of inappropriate touching, that I remembered.

I said this to him as an adult, and he literally didnt speak to me for five years.

My life was actually alot worse without him in those five years, as he is my only sibling.

Due to Coronavirus, he has decided to let the argument go, and he has come back to talk to me. I am happy that we are closer again.

However, every time that I am on the telephone with him he has said something a bit sexual that makes me feel uncomfortable.

For example on one phone call he said that he had been reading in the news about a transgender man who had wanted to get his genitals waxed in a female salon, and this is in the news.

Then in the last phonecall I made, he said that Donald Trump would probably get re elected again because Joe Biden is being accused of sexual assault in the news.

He always talks about something sexual and makes me uncomfortable. He just IS mildly sexually abusive. I know if I say to him to not talk about sex - he wont speak to me for years.

I don't know what to do, It seems like my options are:

Accept my brother being mildly sexually abusive and making me uncomfortable

Have no sibling at all.

I hate my life.

I just dont know what to do. I could just cut him off totally, but I actually really struggled with no family at all, and want to maintain the connection.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Thingsdogetbetter · 02/05/2020 18:35

These are both topics I've discussed with friends. They've been all over the news. They are about sex, but not sexual.

However, as there was a 'bit of inappropriate touching' (which I fear is you minimising) and a very dramatic on his part 5 year nc when you brought it up, I will assume you know his motivations for bring up these topics better than I.

Maintaining contact with an abuser just because they're family is not something that will help your mh. He'll push boundaries and bring up topics he knows make you uncomfortable. And you will be constantly on high alert. The adrenaline and cortisol this will cause can't be good for you.

Just because he's family does not mean he has your best interests at heart, or that it's in your best interests to maintain contact.

These is no mildly sexually abusive, these sexually abusive or not.

BackseatCookers · 02/05/2020 18:45

This.

This isn't a healthy relationship for you to maintain and you know that.

It's sad and it sucks but you need to walk away because this kind of toxicity seeps into the rest of your life and you end up obsessing over it / questioning your own feelings on it for years.

Give yourself permission to close the door on this.

Original poster

Annamaria14 · 02/05/2020 18:52

@Thingsdogetbetter thank you for telling me that you have also discussed these topics with friends.

I think that because me and him have had issues in this area in the past, that him talking about sex in any way at all - triggers me and really upsets me.

I am going to try to see how it goes for a bit longer. But if it is not good for me, I will put myself first.

OP posts:

Original poster

Annamaria14 · 02/05/2020 18:54

It is just all very sad. I had a little cry about it yesterday. I would give anything for a loving, supportive sibling that respects my boundaries.

OP posts:

surprisinglyordinary · 02/05/2020 18:59

I think the things you mention here are not inappropriate topics of conversation. Exactly the sort of thing I discuss with my sister. I wonder if the trauma from the sexual assault you experienced as a child sort of comes back to you when he says things like this - that would be really understandable. Do you think he's talking about these things innocently or does he enjoy watching you squirm? If the latter, that is much more of a problem. Can you tell us more about what the positives were that you missed in the years you didn't have contact?

Original poster

Annamaria14 · 02/05/2020 19:02

@surprisinglyordinary I hope that he is talking about them innocently. But yea - it brings me back to the past. I am so confused, I don't know.

As a child, he was definitely a bully. But as an adult he was a good brother, if I visited him he was nice, he was supportive and caring, and if I had a problem he would worry about me and ring and make sure I was okay. He was a support

OP posts:

Lynda07 · 02/05/2020 19:02

I think how old you both were when he touched you is relevant. I've heard of lots of children - siblings - who did a bit of 'playing hospitals' when they were small but they stopped.

I'd be far more concerned about him saying sleazy stuff to you on the telephone - some people are just like that but usually if you tell them you dislike it, they cease doing it.

VenusTiger · 02/05/2020 19:07

It could be his way of making out you're uncomfortable talking about anything to do with sex, whether it's newsworthy or not, so he has a cushion in which to fall back on should you ever decide to take the accusation against him further- he'll just say you're the one with issues surrounding sex in any form of context.

Original poster

Annamaria14 · 02/05/2020 19:07

I don't know. I have so much fear about sex, not just from him, he was a child, ( i have had different people abuse me at other times of my life), that I cant seem to think straight about sex, and if some one talks to me about it, I feel terrible fear.

My poor head

OP posts:

Original poster

Annamaria14 · 02/05/2020 19:18

@surprisinglyordinary yes that is exactly it.

He is not saying anything very offensive now, but it brings me straight back to the trauma I had as a child

OP posts:

Original poster

Annamaria14 · 02/05/2020 19:22

I just remember him touching me down there loads of times, any time that a parent was out of the room, every week, and me saying to him, "I told you that I don't like you touching me there"

As people have said, we were young children, but it did damage me and give me fear of men, he was alot bigger than me as a child, and I still have a bit of fear of him

OP posts:

MaeveDidIt · 02/05/2020 23:12

I'm very surprised he mentions anything of a sexual nature given what he did as a child.

To my mind a 'normal' person wouldn't touch on those subjects as they're very obviously going to trigger bad memories for you.

He must be getting some sort of perverted pleasure out of making you feel uncomfortable, unless he's completely and utterly ignorant.

I think you need to make a strong stand here - because he needs to respect you and stop it.

Bear in mind he probably needs you just as much as you need him, but don't out of desperation let him keep getting away with it.

You must be strong because you need to stamp this out.

He was a bully to you when you were young and he still is.

indemMUND · 02/05/2020 23:18

I think this is just keeping the trauma you've already endured ongoing. It might be better for you to cut this out. You're only hurting yourself by allowing this to continue, and you deserve so much better. He should not be doing this and cannot be trusted to be appropriate in conversation. You might have to make a choice for your own mental health here. I'm sorry to say this OP

TheNationalToastBoard · 02/05/2020 23:21

It doesn't sound right.

There are many people who can easily and freely talk about those topics amongst themselves. I can and do. But because of certain things (not csa) from my growing up, I cannot bear my dad mentioning anything personal. It makes me feel sick inside.

I think I would have the same problem in your shoes. I would be wary of him. In fact if I felt strong enough I think I would either say to him or message him just to say that obviously you've spoken before about what happened in childhood and that certain topics are not up for discussion between you, that it's important to you that he respects that.

If he throws a wobbly again then it saves you the job of blocking him first.

Yas01 · 03/05/2020 00:10

You need to walk away from your brother. However old he was when he did that to you, at the time he still knew it was wrong. His phone calls are making you uncomfortable, you should think about your own mental health. There is no point in hanging onto someone just because they are a sibling, sometimes good friends are better than family members.

Cherrysoup · 03/05/2020 00:23

Just because he’s related to you doesn’t mean you have to be in touch. If you’re unhappy with the topics he raises, have you told him? Are you able to say this to him?

ittakes2 · 03/05/2020 08:11

Op ‘ I would give anything for a loving, supportive sibling that respects my boundaries ‘ ...you can have this - it just doesn’t have to be a blood relative. I know lots of people who invest their time in lovely friendships who get so close they become family. My best friend is as close to me, if not closer sometimes than my lovely sisters.

FreedomBird · 03/05/2020 09:11

I know you will feel the loss of your only sibling hard. But you need to walk away from him and not look back. You don’t need this.

And you should probably seek some therapy to deal with your feelings about sex. It’s not normal to be so upset by discussing sex. It’s a result of the mistreatment you’ve suffered.

💐

Original poster

Annamaria14 · 03/05/2020 11:51

I think he did more to me, and I have blocked some of it out.

Because I am starting to feel terrible fear any time I talk to him on the phone. My body shakes from being afraid.

Yes it is sad, but I am going to put myself first

OP posts:

missyB1 · 03/05/2020 11:57

The fact that he did this as a young child makes me wonder if he was being abused himself- could also explain the bullying behaviour you mentioned. You say you were abused at other times by other people, were any of these family members who could have abused your brother too?
To be honest you could probably both do with some counselling. But ultimately you can only look out for yourself and decide whether you can cope with him in your life or not.

maddy68 · 03/05/2020 12:00

There are two parts to this.
The comments from your brother aren't inappropriate

The inappropriate touching touching is, however , lots of children do this and it's a perfectly normal part of development. But ...it depends on ages and what actually happened

mcmooberry · 03/05/2020 12:09

I initially thought maybe you had over-reacted to something fairly innocent but your updates have made it clear that what he did was definitely inappropriate and abusive and the way he is behaving now makes me want to advise you to be very careful with him going forward. Am very sorry you haven't got the supportive close sibling you deserve.

Original poster

Annamaria14 · 03/05/2020 12:19

@missyB1 yes, my father also sexually abused me :(

It was an abusive family.

The men around me did not respect my boundaries growing up.

I had a very sad child hood, which is why I am so afraid of men now

OP posts:

missyB1 · 03/05/2020 12:30

So both of you grew up in an abusive home. It seems likely that your brother was abused too. I imagine it has left him with long term issues as well. You can’t fix him (he would need to seek help for himself), but you can decide what is in your best interest.

FairlowWonder · 03/05/2020 12:37

He sounds like he has issues too and was possibly also abused by your dad. The fact that he blocked you out is worrying - could be that he is ashamed and also have been abused and talking about it is too painful for him or could be that he’s angry with you for mentioning it and is not sorry.

The topics of conversation sound okay ish as I’ve spoken about similar things in the past but not every phone call. Do you change the subject? What happens if you do. Have you ever spoken about the abuse from your father with him?

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