Question about inappropriate sibling

[Annamaria14]

I am in my thirties. I have one brother. I am so sad about all of this.

As adults me and my brother were close. But when we were children he did a bit of inappropriate touching, that I remembered.

I said this to him as an adult, and he literally didnt speak to me for five years.

My life was actually alot worse without him in those five years, as he is my only sibling.

Due to Coronavirus, he has decided to let the argument go, and he has come back to talk to me. I am happy that we are closer again.

However, every time that I am on the telephone with him he has said something a bit sexual that makes me feel uncomfortable.

For example on one phone call he said that he had been reading in the news about a transgender man who had wanted to get his genitals waxed in a female salon, and this is in the news.

Then in the last phonecall I made, he said that Donald Trump would probably get re elected again because Joe Biden is being accused of sexual assault in the news.

He always talks about something sexual and makes me uncomfortable. He just IS mildly sexually abusive. I know if I say to him to not talk about sex - he wont speak to me for years.

I don't know what to do, It seems like my options are:

Accept my brother being mildly sexually abusive and making me uncomfortable

Or

Have no sibling at all.

I hate my life.

I just dont know what to do. I could just cut him off totally, but I actually really struggled with no family at all, and want to maintain the connection.

Any advice?

[Josette77]

No I never brought it up. There is a distance between us for sure, but I am able to recognize his life has been wrecked more than mine. I don't know if this helps at all. I'm so sorry for everything you have gone through.

[Annamaria14]

@josette77 could you please share a bit more about your situation. I would be so greatful. did you talk to your siblings as adults?

[Josette77]

I relate a lot to this situation, and I would assume your brother was abused as we which is why this all triggered him so much as well.

You need therapy, probably years of therapy.
You were a victim, none of this was your fault or fair. I wish you all the best and send you an enormous hug.

[Annamaria14]

Thank you very much @itwasntme1

And I send a hug to anyone who went through anything similiar in their lives. It is sadly, a common enough childhood to go through.

I am going to work on setting boundaries with my family, and putting my own life first.

Thanks very much everyone, who gave me support on this thread.

[Itwasntme1]

Your friends situation is dreadful, however it does not take away from he pain you suffered.

I think the time may have come to set stronger boundaries with your brother and your mother - to consider if you want them in your life and, if so, on what terms.

You absolutely deserve love and respect. I am so glad you see that.

Please ask your gp to refer you to a counsellor, talk this through in a supportive, no judgemental space. It can only help.

[Annamaria14]

It sounds awful to me, reading all of this back.

But alot of us grow up in terrible situations.

I have a friend who grew up in a far worse situation than I did , her stepfather raped her every week, there are very abusive families out there. :(

[Annamaria14]

I was constantly told in my family that I was worth nothing, and that I was basically a servant to my mother , father and brother.

It is hard for me to gauge exactly how abusive my family was, because alot of us grow up in abusive families.

But I was told I was worthtless for sure

Which is why as an adult, I still put my mother and brother before me. (Dad passed away). They have always treated me like a servant, and as an adult they still expect me to run after them, and to put myself last.

I am going to love myself, work on myself and put myself first.

[KaliforniaDreamz]

You need help, This is complex stuff.
Don't mention it if you don't want to - just shut him down - Oh i have to go the kettle has boiled or whatever until he gets the hint without you actually calling it out.
Just a suggestion it might be easier and less triggering. x

[Annamaria14]

Thank you for listening, because it has been really upsetting me. I know from growing up in an abusive household - that I have very little self esteem aswell, and I am a weak person in general, which is why my brother bosses me around the place. I worry about upsetting him, and run after him,

Because I have little self worth and love for myself. I think that I am worth nothing

I am going to work on improving my own self esteem.

[Annamaria14]

I just know if I say to my brother

"Can we not talk about anything sexual related, as I don't like it" He will just get really angry and not talk to me for a long time:

He doesn't let me have a say about how I feel. He doesn't let me say if he is making me feel uncomfortable. He doesn't let me have a voice.

[KaliforniaDreamz]

It doesn't matter what age you were, or what the intent was, the fact is this abuse has hurt you.
You deserve some help. For starters why not look at this site.
napac.org.uk/about/
Good luck. Wishing you love and support.

[Anydreamwilldo12]

It is sad and so unfair that you are having to go though this Annamarie. None of it is your fault, it seems to be a result of your family's failure to protect you as a child.

Perhaps you could speak to someone about it. Have you had therapy or ever thought about getting therapy?

What about friends? Is there anybody you could talk to about it all for support. You deserve to be happy. Try to make your own happiness your main priority at the minute.

[MMmomDD]

OP - have you had therapy?
I think this is something that you need to both deal with the last and to decide what you want to have happen in the present.
Depending on the age you were back when you were abused - all kinds of things might have accumulated and morphed in your memories. Your must have been the main source of a lot of your anxieties and you brother may have been abused just as well.
Some of what you are feeling about your brother now may in fact be transference from what you felt about your father - etc.
Maybe I am wrong.
But you definitely need therapy as it doesn’t heal by itself

[Itwasntme1]

Op his is heart breaking. You have an absolute right to feel angry or sad or any other emotion about what happened. It was horrendous and wrong and unfair and every single person who abused you was a monster.

You can have a voice now - and you can choose how to use it. You do need support to explore what will bring you peace.

You deserve to be respected.

[SlimBig]

You need to have therapy (even if you had some in the past - we often need a top up), with a particular focus on developing boundaries between you and your brother in order to build a healthy relationship. You were both abused as children, and you were abused by him. You’re still experiencing the trauma of this abuse. Please see a therapist. And maybe when you’re in a good place, recommend he sees one too.

[Annamaria14]

Thank you for the kind responses @Anydreamwilldo12 and @Itwasntme1.

It is terribly sad. It is sad.

When I brought up what happened as a child, and he got so angry and refused to speak to me, I actually went after him after a while and apologised to him for bringing it up.

Which feels really sad to me.

That I was abused, and then when I talk to him about him doing it, I had to apologise for upsetting him.

I have never had any voice in this family. I have never been respected in my family

It is all so sad . i am just going to have a little cry

[Annamaria14]

Yes. It was all so sad and stressful when I talked to him about what happened as a child. I nearly wished I hadn't brought it up. It caused a huge row.

He got really angry, and he said "I am never talking to you again", really, because he knew he did it, but didn't want to admit it.

But, really his reaction was bullying me again. "I have power over you"

It has definitely been very stressful.

[Itwasntme1]

I am so sorry you are going through this. You need counselling to work through what happened to you as a child. You need to be selfish, contact with your brother is causing you harm at the moment. You need to explore why, and work through what boundaries you need to put in place to ensure you feel safe.

There is probably a lot more about your childhood that caused your brother to stop speaking to you. But be clear it wasn’t your fault, wither then or now. You can’t feel like contact with him is a prize that you have to earn.

Please speak to someone - don’t be alone with all this. It’s too much.

[Anydreamwilldo12]

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. I think he knows exactly what he's doing. That he had the audacity to not speak to you for five years because you dared mention that he sexually abused you when you were children is absolutely disgraceful. Your brother is not a nice person

I think he is still bullying you mentioning sex related things in normal conversation, perhaps he gets some kind of perverse kick out of knowing it makes you uncomfortable.

It's terribly sad that you feel you need to have him in your life but for your own mental health I think it would be wise to reduce contact and also, if he says anything that makes you uncomfortable then you should tell him so. Just because people are family it doesn't mean that we have to like them or put up with their nasty ways.

[FairlowWonder]

He sounds like he has issues too and was possibly also abused by your dad. The fact that he blocked you out is worrying - could be that he is ashamed and also have been abused and talking about it is too painful for him or could be that he’s angry with you for mentioning it and is not sorry.

The topics of conversation sound okay ish as I’ve spoken about similar things in the past but not every phone call. Do you change the subject? What happens if you do. Have you ever spoken about the abuse from your father with him?

[missyB1]

So both of you grew up in an abusive home. It seems likely that your brother was abused too. I imagine it has left him with long term issues as well. You can’t fix him (he would need to seek help for himself), but you can decide what is in your best interest.

[Annamaria14]

@missyB1 yes, my father also sexually abused me :(

It was an abusive family.

The men around me did not respect my boundaries growing up.

I had a very sad child hood, which is why I am so afraid of men now

[mcmooberry]

I initially thought maybe you had over-reacted to something fairly innocent but your updates have made it clear that what he did was definitely inappropriate and abusive and the way he is behaving now makes me want to advise you to be very careful with him going forward. Am very sorry you haven't got the supportive close sibling you deserve.

[maddy68]

There are two parts to this.
The comments from your brother aren't inappropriate

The inappropriate touching touching is, however , lots of children do this and it's a perfectly normal part of development. But ...it depends on ages and what actually happened

[missyB1]

The fact that he did this as a young child makes me wonder if he was being abused himself- could also explain the bullying behaviour you mentioned. You say you were abused at other times by other people, were any of these family members who could have abused your brother too?
To be honest you could probably both do with some counselling. But ultimately you can only look out for yourself and decide whether you can cope with him in your life or not.