Are strong secure men really so hard to find?

[Lizzie523]

And when I say strong and secure I dont mean over confident macho men. Just pleasant intelligent men who are secure in themselves.

I have had issues with the guys I've been involved with being intimidated by me.

Guy 1 - together 2 years, serious relationship. He once joked that people would wonder why someone as beautiful as me was with him. His insecurities got worse and it ended.

Guy 2 - Very good looking so wasnt intimidated by me looks wise. We were both artists and when I started getting my work published he resented it. Seemed very confident, even a bit arrogant, but admitted me he was actually very insecure later on.

Guy 3 - another fairly serious relationship of about 2 years. The guy said I was too beautiful and too intelligent for him (which didnt help by his friends sometimes making the same jokes). He cheated and left me.

I currently like a guy who says he doesn't have my 'courage' because of my apparently impressive hobby. I'm fed up!

I'm now 28 and it has got to the point where I feel like I am better off alone and single. Are men who are confident and strong out there? Or are they really rare to find?

So the first 2 were a while back so could be common a garden immaturity that we all go through. Sounds like you have a type though, I think the modern parlance is Soft Boi. Maybe think about what’s attracting you to these insecure types and try broadening your dating pool?

What is 'soft boi'? I'm clearly not up on the lingo...

Bear in mind the 2nd guy seemed very secure and confident to the outside world, a real extrovert. I go for a mixture of introverts and extroverts generally. I think I'd be happier with someone in the middle who supports me and doesnt feel like being with me is threatening

Nah, that's not a softboi. Softbois pretend to be sensitive and intellectual to hit on women. Search the beam me up softboi account on Instagram for an illustration

Maybe you need to pick somebody who has a successful career? If they’ve had professional success then they won’t be intimidated by you. I get how your boyfriends feel to be honest. My OH is very successful professionally and famous in his own field. It’s quite intimidating when my own career never took off and it can feel like it’s all about him all of the time. It’s exhausting trying to compete/measure up and it puts me off him. I just want to be able to relax and be happy not feel “less than” or judged as not worthy all the time. If you don’t want to deal with that then you really need to find somebody more successful than you. Pick somebody who has also been published. Are you picking guys in their 20’s? They’re unlikely to be successful at that age? Try going for mid to late 30’s instead.

Yes I have always went out with guys in their 20s. I am also quite young looking and the last guy to ask me out was - wait for it - 19!! No one in their 30s has asked me out.

I am hoping things might get better in my 30s. The guy I like now - I like him because he is kind, attractive, funny, smart - but he is a bit behind me career wise (he is 2 years younger). This doesnt bother me at all, but it seems to bother men?

I do care about being with a guy with some ambition but I choose guys based on the kind of people they are and how I feel when we are together.

In answer to your question. YES 😂

user1498572889 - just checking it's not just me 😂

The majority of people have insecurities. As you get to know men, they will reveal their insecurities. That's how it works, this intimacy thing.

Sometimes getting to know someone includes learning that they are cheats, abusive, or easily intimidated... added to that, 28 is young. Most men only start to settle into a confident, mellow version of themselves when they are 35+, and often only due to being in a stable relationship for a bit by then. It's a chicken and egg thing, to an extent.

This is a long winded way of saying your expectations might be a bit high... everyone you meet will have insecurities, if you're lucky they will complement yours, and over time if you have a healthy relationship, insecurities may start to reduce. You cant wish away the human experience... men are whole human beings, they are not products intended to fulfill women's desires

The problem is that their insecurities lead either to them believing 1) it is a matter of time before I leave them which sours the relationship or 2) I start feeling like I need to play myself down to be less than I am so they dont feel insecure.

Yes everyone has insecurities. That's normal. But to essentially vocalise that you dont think you are good enough for your partner? I want to meet someone who thinks they are good enough to be with me because they are secure and happy enough in their own life. I am not perfect! And I dont like being put on a pedestal.

It is also my experience that most men around my age arent interested in settling down, but instead seem to want the prolonged bachelor experience.

Not all of them, but for the most part...

Go for the quiet ones, would be my advice. My DH is a bit older than me and is confident, but in a really quiet, quite old fashioned way. He's absolutely lovely and polite, but he's not one of these charming, opinionated, noisy men that seem to abound these days. He has a really strong sense of duty and responsibility, and thinks I'm wonderful. He's not a big earner, but he works bloody hard and it pays the bills. He doesn't put himself forward, but he's the first to help, and old ladies just seem to want to eat him up with a spoon (as do I)

He's definitely definitely not someone a lot of youngish women would notice at first though on a night out, because although he is (imo) very handsome, he doesn't dress to impress and he is a bit shy and awkward at first,and also completely clueless about any form of music or pop culture post 2005. But he's totally worth it. So yes. If your automatic reaction is to start chatting with the "leader" guy at the front of the group, stop and look for the guy a few steps behind him (or w/e the tindr equivalent is)

Beatrix potter- your husband basically IS my usual type and it doesnt seem to be working for me! I dont go for the leader types at all - but now wondering if I should? The guy I like now sounds very similar to your husband! Very kind and respectful and not brash at all. Also doesnt dress to impress as he prefers to just be comfortably whereas I do...

I'm kind of known for my sense of style and I had an ex ask me to tone it down so I didnt show him up before!

But this guy - while he is lovely and polite and thoughtful (and seemed to like me) he is 26 and just doesnt seem overly interested in starting a relationship. I have given him opportunities to ask me out and he hasn't.

Maybe I need to find an older version ?

I have no idea - never met anyone decent who actually wanted a relationship.

(And wasn’t already taken)

Ahh, then actually what you might need to do is take the lead a bit. It was screamingly obvious that my husband fancied me, but despite plenty of opportunity, he wouldn't act on it. I'd say one of his faults is that he doesn't always get subleties- well he does get them but he second guesses himself and doesn't want to take advantage or anything like that. So it takes him a little longer than a lot of men. He's not one bit arrogant,but that means he can sometimes lack that entitlement that fuels some men - you know what I mean- anyway long story short, one night I sunk a bottle of wine, gave him a big snog, and said "ffs are you going to ask me out anytime soon or not" and that basically did the trick. Men like this very much need the green light shining bright and clear. My previous boyfriend was an absolute pain in the arse who thought he was God's gift, so it was a massive adjustment for me, because I was used to fending off octopus hands and expectations, and then there was DH all "I shall worship you quietly from afar". You basically need to be blunt and open when it comes to communicating your emotions. Works well in a marriage though. DH and I almost never row, because right away one of us will just say "you know what, I was really bloody pissed off that you did X thing, that's why I was short with you, I needed your help with Y instead" and the other will think about it and go "yes, ok actually, I can see how you'd think that, how would you rather we work this next time?" and that's that. Just zero bullshit,straight to the point.

Also DH couldn't give a shit if I out earned him or what even, he'd just be pleased and proud- his sense of self worth just isn't based on money or career success. He does have some insecurities though, don't we all, but he doesn't dwell on them or use them as a reason to bring me down

I'd definitely look for men a little older though, I had plenty of male friends my age who were lovely, but not one would I cconsider going out with - I had a child already when I met DH so was on a different wavelength to most people my age already

Not rare in this house, he 's downstairs watching some shite on the TV.

Strong secure anyone is hard to find, man or woman. Dogs are more reliable.

BeatrixPottersAlterEgo - I love that story! Sinking a bottle of wine might be the way do it in the end.

To give you an example of how sweet he is. I was on a bit of a rant to my friend group about a music festival that wasnt featuring women and then I stopped myself. Everyone else then got distracted talking about something else and he leaned in and quietly said 'I always appreciate your rants, you know'. He then complimented me on a dress I had worn 2 days previously (he'd seen me from afar!)

I think the difference between this guy and you DH though is that mine doesnt have a lot of confidence yet. He's only 26.

I'm 28 so what would be a good age range for me. 30-35? Older?

Haha that is so DH! When we were first going out he mentioned a blue dress I had, and how nice he thought it was, turns out that one day pre going out, I'd dropped something through his letterbox and texted him to let him know I'd done so as I hadn't knocked the door or anything - he had been in his back garden and raced up to the top floor of his house so he could watch me walking down the street (creep )

I would say, like a PP, that a lot of men seem to hit their stride around 35. On saying that DH was younger than that when I met him but he'd had to grow up fast for other reasons

My only concern with dating an older guy would be that he preferred younger women. I think a bit of an age gap is ok.

Not sure I'd want to date too much older than 35 at 28.

@TheHighestSardine agreed

OP I'm 27 and find most men do nothing to make me want a relationship over being single. I'm often told I'm intimidating. I go on dates and either find them to be too puppy dog eyed and pushovers or they spend the whole night talking about themselves and I can count on one hand the number of questions they've asked me. It's dire out there and its becoming more blindingly obvious to me how many people settle.

Yellowsubmarinedreams- glad to see I'm in good company at least!

The issue is with being attracted to quieter guys....I find they dont take the initiative as often. I feel emotionally tired from making the effort. I would like someone to make a real effort with me and plan fun dates. Is it too much to ask?

I know what you mean as I am also attracted to quieter guys. When you're discussing a first date and they come out with the dreaded "I don't mind what do you want to do?". Ughhhhhh, just plan something and show some initiative!