Are strong secure men really so hard to find?

[Lizzie523]

And when I say strong and secure I dont mean over confident macho men. Just pleasant intelligent men who are secure in themselves.

I have had issues with the guys I've been involved with being intimidated by me.

Guy 1 - together 2 years, serious relationship. He once joked that people would wonder why someone as beautiful as me was with him. His insecurities got worse and it ended.

Guy 2 - Very good looking so wasnt intimidated by me looks wise. We were both artists and when I started getting my work published he resented it. Seemed very confident, even a bit arrogant, but admitted me he was actually very insecure later on.

Guy 3 - another fairly serious relationship of about 2 years. The guy said I was too beautiful and too intelligent for him (which didnt help by his friends sometimes making the same jokes). He cheated and left me.

I currently like a guy who says he doesn't have my 'courage' because of my apparently impressive hobby. I'm fed up!

I'm now 28 and it has got to the point where I feel like I am better off alone and single. Are men who are confident and strong out there? Or are they really rare to find?

I don't think most men match up to women, to be very honest with you. Hence patriarchy. Without systemic oppression from birth, that would be clearer.

I agree Ilets, I think the saying "it's lonely at the top" applies here.

You sound fairly mature for your age - I would suggest dating guys a little older. I’ve always found men tend to mature slower than women, so an older guy 30’s to mid 30’s would tend to be more secure themselves and less likely to be intimidated. Maybe you are going for guys who you see as less than (even subconsciously) so you can avoid being intimidated by them?

Definitely go for an older man, nearer 35.
I don't understand why you are bothered by a few years. It's nothing. If you pick the right one, the older man will be more mature, old fashioned, confident in his own skin and ready to settle down into a serious relationship.

Or you might find a younger man who is also ready. But I really think the man being at the right place in life, ie ready for a serious relationship, is what you want.

Dh was ready. When I met him, I knew. Very early on. That he had nearly all of the above, which is what I was looking for.

Men need to have gone around the block in relationships a bit before they find gravity. They need to have done some emotional stuff, had some feathers ruffled IMO.

I have always been quite mature for my age. One of my best friends is a forty year old woman and a few of my friends are mid-late 30s.

@flipflopdreams I actually think you might be on to something! I don't think it's conscious at all but maybe I am to an extent.

I'm not crazy about online dating (not completely against it, but not mad about it). I am part of the comedy community in my city and have also just taken up indoor climbing. It's not easy to meet men. Especially in lockdown!

The massive issue with older guys who date younger women is that the kind of guy who dates younger women is often 'that' kind of guy.
I'm really not sure what the answer is. It is true that older men can be more self assured and know what women are looking for
If I was speaking to my younger self, I would say
Be more like a man in relationships - take more, give less
Rely on yourself not others
Anything you want - just do it, don't expect others to do it for you

Yes, you sound strong and independent. So you probably attract those who want to be mothered a bit. But you still want the stereotype of the man who looks after you it sounds like. That's the bit I would work on, actually. It's just some bullshit story society feeds young women. Don't look for it, do it yourself. Ask men out if you like them, don't just 'give them opportunities' for instance. Expect equality. You organise one date, they do the next. Tell them what you expect .

Part of my problem is doing too much fir the other person. I have had both a yoga teacher & counsellor tell me I give too much without getting enough back. I do relate to that. I naturally want to give, but sometimes I give too much before the other person has earned it.

I do ask men out sometimes. Nothing long term has come from me initiating yet.

You mentioned mothering. Men in my life always tell me how 'strong' I am. It's true but I want to meet someone who can also be strong for me/a more equal partner.

Sounds a bit like ‘she’s out of my league’ - I quite like the film but didn’t know that relationships like that actually existed (I guess coz I’m more of the quiet, geeky type that didn’t get many dates). So sorry OP that you’ve had bad experiences. Wishing you good luck! Maybe dating someone outside your usual ‘type’ might help? Sporty guys tend to be quite confident.

I want confident but I don't want macho.

The last guy I got serious with was sporty. He cheated and left me for a girl who was also sporty !

I am usually attracted to the handsome (and sometimes nerdy) artistic types. Maybe the reality is that the strong secure guys are few and far between and I'll be lucky to come across one in any walk of life...

The guy you were talking about who is 26 sounds like he's quite into you though. He sounds nice!

He is nice and did seem into me. We talked about doing something but then lockdown happened.

We have chatted most days for a month until about a week ago. He has just stopped replying & tbh we had ran out of things to say given the weird situation. Bit disappointing but oh well.

I met my OH when I was 26 and he was 42. I’m 30 now. He’s bloody amazing - calm, secure, supportive. He says he worries that as he gets older I might not find him as attractive as I do now and might ‘run off with a younger model’, but seems that the ‘younger models’ are pretty much all wimps to me so no thank you!
I suppose I was lucky with him that despite him being married previously, he doesn’t have any kids so there’re no previous commitments and we’ve started a relationship much as I would have done with a guy my own age anyway.
I’d def recommend trying the older dating pool of guys, they’re literally a different league compared to 20 somethings atm. And if you’re not fussed about previous families or commitments like that then you’ll be sorted!

OMG! Cool....Shreeeeks!
Netflix. Yummy!

Luckeeeeee!
Men have sperm, yeah?

Sorry to derail the thread but wtf is going on with the softboi thing?? I looked at that insta @YRGAM posted and it's insane, but I still don't quite get what they are; is it like negging? Glad I've drawn a line under dating apps, it's reminded me what loons you get on them