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Original poster

MIL - can't work out her interest.

43 replies

Thistledew · 02/05/2020 10:47

MiL has a great bond with DS who is now 3.5 as she has (at her instigation) looked after him for 2-3 days per fortnight.

Just before the lockdown was announced, we (me, DH and DS) combined households with my mother as I was due to give birth to DD and it was better for us all to be at mum's very rural house with a large garden than stuck in our small London one with no childcare for DS whilst I was in labour.

MIL came to help look after DS whilst I was actually in hospital but we obviously have not had any other direct contact. We have tried to encourage MIL to speak with DS via video call and have suggested various games/stories/game apps that they could share together.

However, she has spoken to DS just three times, and two of those were at our instigation.

DS is very much missing his normal life, his nursery and friends and his activities. I'm sure he is missing his contact with MiL as well. But despite us encouraging MiL to have contact with him it seems that she is not interested in doing so.

When we (me and DH) have tried to encourage her she has just said that she does not want to intrude on our time with DD (now 3 weeks) and with my mother spending time with both of them. We have tried to reassure her that she would not be intruding and that DS would really like it if she called.

I find it very difficult to have an open conversation with her. I think that she often lets her anxieties get the better of her (she does not suffer with diagnosed anxiety) and she will catastrophise and get a view fixed in her mind that doesn't really correspond with most people's interpretation of a situation. I think she will also often say what she thinks we want to hear rather than be frank about her feelings if she thinks we will disagree or find it upsetting.

On the other hand, I do wonder if actually she is happy to have some distance from DS. She professes to love him immensely, but he can be very challenging in his behaviour at times (including physical aggression when he is not getting his way- we crack down on this hard and it is improving but is still a work in progress). She made a comment to my mum that has got me thinking that actually she has really been struggling with this- saying that she hopes that DH and I will not leave DS alone for one moment with the new baby as "he will just attack her". We are obviously monitoring his interaction with her closely but in fact he has been super careful around her and although he mostly ignores her will sometime gently bounce her chair, or bring her a toy that she has been gifted, or try to play peek-a-boo. So completely unfounded that he is likely to harm her.

I don't know whether I am being unreasonable in thinking that in fact MiL has chosen to distance herself from DS for the last 6 months, or am I being uncharitable and she is desperately missing him?

Or am I just overthinking this and should, for my own sanity, not bother trying to work her out and just let her resume contact if and when she chooses to do so?

OP posts:
Lsquiggles · 02/05/2020 10:55

To me it looks like your MIL feels replaced by your mom in your ds life. From the outside it looks like she was good enough to look after your son, but not good enough to stay with you during lockdown. I know this probably isn't the case but if you say she has anxiety she might be feeling this way and not want to say. It must be hard to know her time she spent with your son is now being taken up by your mom

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 02/05/2020 10:58

Maybe she feels a little sidelined by you all moving to your mums and she cant visit. MIL on here usually get grief on here for being too pushy! Why not ask your DH to set up a regular videocall with her or ask her to read bedtime story to your DS once a week and do tell her you all miss her.

Original poster
Thistledew · 02/05/2020 11:00

I'm sure there is some truth in that Lsquiggles in terms of how MiL is feeling. The choice of location is solely because my mother has a much larger garden and lives very rurally, rather than in a city as MiL does. Also, we had to isolate from MiL as soon as I came out of hospital as she is very vulnerable health-wise and we were worried about me being potentially exposed in hospital and passing the virus on to her.

OP posts:
Letseatgrandma · 02/05/2020 11:02

Maybe she doesn’t want to start video calling as she doesn’t know when is a good time?

I’d text her and suggest a Zoom/FT chat the next day at 2pm and just do it.

RenegadeMrs · 02/05/2020 11:04

Could she be a bit depressed? I know that when my Dad is having an episode he can withdraw socially and emotionally and if she is vulnerable and feeling sidelined she might be feeling more down than usual.

Itwasntme1 · 02/05/2020 11:11

It could be she is annoyed or jealous that your mum is getting all this time with the new baby.

Or
She might be Worried she will cry if she sees your son beciase she really does miss him.

Or
She could be overwhelmed by the whole situation and just wants to hid away.

Your husband needs to call her, say you all miss her and you are worried. Open up he conversation,

purplemunkey · 02/05/2020 11:13

Maybe she just doesn't like the idea of video calls? Lots of people don't.

Original poster
Thistledew · 02/05/2020 11:15

I suppose you are all right that I/we should take more of a lead in setting up contact. I feel a bit resentful of having to take the initiative as I don't have the easiest relationship with her because I find myself spending quite a lot of emotional energy trying to work out what she is actually thinking or feeling, due to being unable to take a lot of what she says at face value.

OP posts:
caringdenise009 · 02/05/2020 11:19

Your baby was given a toy not gifted.

Could it be that mil hates her face on screen? Ask her if just a normal phone call would be better

Original poster
Thistledew · 02/05/2020 11:28

Do you mean "hates seeing her face on a screen" caringdenise?

I feel that I have done my bit to encourage MiL to have contact with DS, but I'm feeling guilty that I am not doing even more to encourage her to do so. I suppose I am asking if IABU to leave it or her now whether or not to call. She has been told that she is welcome to do so whenever she likes. Is it not up to her now whether or not she takes up that opportunity and it isn't down to me to figure out what her issue is and fix it for her?

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 02/05/2020 11:29

Surely your oh should be the one caring about his mum. Does he call her at all?

I agree that it does sound like she's been use a bit. Not clear why she had to come over when you were in hospital? Are you saying she came to your mum? Why didn't your mum look after him? And wasn't this exposing her to risks then?

I expect she is hurt, feeling used and distancing herself.

triballeader · 02/05/2020 11:34

IF she is an introverted thinker then the suggested interactions might have left her cold. As an example I HATE using ZOOM and will only use it for the once a week critical meeting. I HATE phone calls interrupting my thinking time at home but like emails and letters. I like IRL time with family young children or sending them a card, a letter, something fun to do but would run a mile from screen based facetime. I am currebntly in hiding and claiming computer problems to avoid the once a day 'family zoom time' SIL has instigated...she is a raving extrovert and thinks everyone will WANT to join in or we are ill........its just not me. By the time I get home from working at a food hub I am done. Have a think about how your MiL chooses to communicate before covid and see if you can find a way she has some room to manevoure i.e DGS is missing seeing you a lot- have you any ideas what we could do that might help him?

ineedaholidaynow · 02/05/2020 11:38

Why did your MIL come and look after your DS whilst you were in hospital if you were staying at your DM’s?

Original poster
Thistledew · 02/05/2020 11:42

My mum can't look after DS alone as she has limited mobility and physically can't manage him. She does not have the same bond with him that MiL does and he would not accept her putting him to bed. We all isolated for 3 weeks before I gave birth and MiL left as soon as we got back from the hospital to minimise the risk of exposing her.

It's not a technology issue as she uses video calling a lot with her friends and with DS when we are at home and she is in her own house.

OP posts:
ifoughtforliberty · 02/05/2020 11:44

Sorry but a 3 year old would not accept someone putting him to bed?!

MrMannersIsAwful · 02/05/2020 11:45

Is she by herself at home?

Original poster
Thistledew · 02/05/2020 11:45

DH has spoken to her and tried to encourage her. I'm just worried that if I don't make more of an effort to encourage her myself then it will exacerbate whatever feelings she has about the 'preference' that my mum is getting at the moment, and will be interpreted by her as me avoiding her and keeping DS away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thistledew · 02/05/2020 11:47

ifoughtforliberty - unfortunately not without several hours of screaming tantrum that my mother is not capable of dealing with.

OP posts:
Barbararara · 02/05/2020 12:08

It sounds like an extremely difficult situation for her. Regardless of the good reasons for it, having to leave before your new grandchild comes home, is painful. And it must exacerbate the loneliness for her leaving you all together. It’s natural that grannies compare their role/access and she must feel hard done by at the moment. I’d be cutting her a lot of slack.

As other posters have said her ds should be making the effort to reach out and support her. But so should you. If you’re happy to make use of her for childcare it’s only decent to repay that now when she needs a bit of emotional support and reassurance. But make it about her. She’s a human being of value beyond her use as a childminder. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but we all need to take time for our isolated family members at this time.

MitziK · 02/05/2020 12:15

Perhaps she feels that you don't want or need her anymore? Your Mum has a better house, a better garden, a better location - and a better relationship with you?

Or that whilst having a chat with her mates is fine, it doesn't hurt to see them without being able to cuddle or hold them/the new baby?

stellabelle · 02/05/2020 12:28

I'm a granny and I know just how she feels. She feels rejected and phone calls just won't make up for that .

She was OK to care for DS every week , all his life, but as soon as DD was expected you ditched her for your mother. That's how she would see it, I'm afraid. It's how I would have seen it . From your description, your mother can't care for your DS at all because of her disability , but you still preferred her to MIL.

Surely you can see that a few Facetime calls are not going to make up for her feeling like she is unwanted now ?

Erictheavocado · 02/05/2020 12:32

We have a really good bond with our dgc. And due to us being vulnerable, haven't spent any time with them since the lockdown. We do video call, but honestly? It is heartbreaking. Dgc is too young to understand why we can't hug them and due to their age, their attention is not very long. As much as we live dgc, and they, us, video calls are not really a substitute. And after each one both Dh and I feel very, very sad because we can't be with dgc at the moment. Going from several days a week caring for dgc to just video calls is tough.
I also think that your MIL may be feeling a bit used - your mum has better 'stuff', so you stay there even though you used MIL when it suited you. And now she's back to being alone again whilst you and your family are at your mum's, enjoying the bigger garden and the company. U feel for her and think that you and your Dh need to do more to make her feel wanted.

Troels · 02/05/2020 12:44

Aww bless her she probably does feel sidelined and supluss to requirements right now.
I hate zoom too, If I were her I'd probably burst into tears if I had to chat on zoom to see the GC I was missing so much.
Be gentle with her.

Lollypop701 · 02/05/2020 12:50

I think you’re getting a hard time op, you moved to your DM because it was practical, mil is isolating anyway so you wouldn’t have been able to see her post birth. However I do think you need to take the lead and call her, shortish calls but often as your ds will have limited attention. Mil probably thinks you’re busy with the baby and won’t want to interrupt. I’d also ask dh to mention how good a big brother your son is being and your hoping he is calming down. Take the lead, and try not to overthink, it’s tough for us all right now

TabbyMumz · 02/05/2020 12:56

Phone calls with a 3.5 year old are notoriously difficult, perhaps she just doesnt like phone calls.

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