MIL - can't work out her interest.

[Thistledew]

MiL has a great bond with DS who is now 3.5 as she has (at her instigation) looked after him for 2-3 days per fortnight.

Just before the lockdown was announced, we (me, DH and DS) combined households with my mother as I was due to give birth to DD and it was better for us all to be at mum's very rural house with a large garden than stuck in our small London one with no childcare for DS whilst I was in labour.

MIL came to help look after DS whilst I was actually in hospital but we obviously have not had any other direct contact. We have tried to encourage MIL to speak with DS via video call and have suggested various games/stories/game apps that they could share together.

However, she has spoken to DS just three times, and two of those were at our instigation.

DS is very much missing his normal life, his nursery and friends and his activities. I'm sure he is missing his contact with MiL as well. But despite us encouraging MiL to have contact with him it seems that she is not interested in doing so.

When we (me and DH) have tried to encourage her she has just said that she does not want to intrude on our time with DD (now 3 weeks) and with my mother spending time with both of them. We have tried to reassure her that she would not be intruding and that DS would really like it if she called.

I find it very difficult to have an open conversation with her. I think that she often lets her anxieties get the better of her (she does not suffer with diagnosed anxiety) and she will catastrophise and get a view fixed in her mind that doesn't really correspond with most people's interpretation of a situation. I think she will also often say what she thinks we want to hear rather than be frank about her feelings if she thinks we will disagree or find it upsetting.

On the other hand, I do wonder if actually she is happy to have some distance from DS. She professes to love him immensely, but he can be very challenging in his behaviour at times (including physical aggression when he is not getting his way- we crack down on this hard and it is improving but is still a work in progress). She made a comment to my mum that has got me thinking that actually she has really been struggling with this- saying that she hopes that DH and I will not leave DS alone for one moment with the new baby as "he will just attack her". We are obviously monitoring his interaction with her closely but in fact he has been super careful around her and although he mostly ignores her will sometime gently bounce her chair, or bring her a toy that she has been gifted, or try to play peek-a-boo. So completely unfounded that he is likely to harm her.

I don't know whether I am being unreasonable in thinking that in fact MiL has chosen to distance herself from DS for the last 6 months, or am I being uncharitable and she is desperately missing him?

Or am I just overthinking this and should, for my own sanity, not bother trying to work her out and just let her resume contact if and when she chooses to do so?

I'm sorry but what is she supposed to do with a 3.5 year old on a call? They are not great conversationalists! It's very hard work. Bit different when you're there in person but I think you're being quite mean about her especially her concerns about him hurting the baby. In one breath you've said but he can be very challenging in his behaviour at times (including physical aggression when he is not getting his way- we crack down on this hard and it is improving but is still a work in progress and in the next that her concern is unfounded.

Stop looking for a problem with your MIL and just concentrate on what you need to deal with in front of you.

than stuck in our small London one with no childcare for DS whilst I was in labour

You've contradicted yourself here as well implying that your DM would be childcare while you were in labour but in fact you still used your MIL?

Where was your DM then?

She professes to love him immensely, but he can be very challenging in his behaviour at times (including physical aggression when he is not getting his way- we crack down on this hard and it is improving but is still a work in progress).

So he does lash out?

She made a comment to my mum that has got me thinking that actually she has really been struggling with this- saying that she hopes that DH and I will not leave DS alone for one moment with the new baby as "he will just attack her".

We are obviously monitoring his interaction with her closely but in fact he has been super careful around her and although he mostly ignores her will sometime gently bounce her chair, or bring her a toy that she has been gifted, or try to play peek-a-boo. So completely unfounded that he is likely to harm her.

Her anxiety is not completely unfounded at all.
Sounds like she finds your son's behaviour challenging.

As for the lack of contact, She might just think that you are ok at your Mum's and is taking a break herself.

I agree with PP that 3yr olds are very hard to talk to on the phone. Maybe her son could call her for a chat and briefly put your ds on the phone to say hi? Also think about having him make a card for grandma, he could do a painting of him and his new sister etc.

You said in your op that she had been distancing herself for 6 months - was this a typo and you meant 6 weeks, or does this predate covid?

@ifoughtforliberty
Sorry but a 3 year old would not accept someone putting him to bed?!

Not sure why you find that surprising.

I also think that your MIL may be feeling a bit used - your mum has better 'stuff', so you stay there even though you used MIL when it suited you. And now she's back to being alone again whilst you and your family are at your mum's, enjoying the bigger garden and the company. U feel for her and think that you and your Dh need to do more to make her feel wanted.

^^This.

And then you expect her to ring you when you have a new baby (who she's having no contact with) and you're staying in someone else's house.

I do think you're being very U actually and I would be hurt if I was her.

I think sending her cards and bits from DS would be a lovely gesture and would take the pressure off from her having to perform for you. The idea of your DH phoning her and showing some interest in her life and putting DS on for a couple of minutes is also good. Leave a door open to the relationship especially if she was a good and helpful grandmother before lockdown whom you trusted enough for regular unsupervised childcare.

She must feel quite discarded right now all because she doesn't have a garden. I suspect none of these things would be an issue had you stayed in your own place but you have chosen one grandparent over the other.

It’s not a case of choosing one GP over another. MIL is in the shielded category from what I understand and the OPs DM isn’t.

There seems to be a simmering level of disconnection between you both before lockdown and the situation along with missing out on new baby, moving away, technology, loneliness, anxiety and fear has magnified and amplified the issues.

No need for blame or rocking the boat in these difficult times. She sounds much worse off than you in this situation.

If she is emotionally tricky at the best of times - she won’t be coping very well now.

It’s your DH job - he knows what makes her tick. Bide your time.

No reason to lockdown with the DM though other than a garden so actually yes it was a choice. They could have stayed in their own place and had the same contact with both sets of grandparents.

Your over thinking. But it does sound as if your toddler is becoming too much for her to handle. When this is all over have her over with all of you there and make a bit of a fuss of her. Then another time ask her if she still wants to continue as you are aware how boisterous your son is now and as you have a baby you are reorganizing your child care...without making it sound like you don't think she is capable! Or can't your husband speak to her?

I seem to be getting mixed messages here- should I be doing more to cajole her into phoning DS regularly as she may be feeling neglected or should I accept that maybe speaking via video is just a reminder of what she is missing and that she doesn't really want to?

DH has spoken to her several times to try to encourage her to call, and as I said above we have suggested several ideas of how she can engage with DS as we know he can't sustain a conversation for very long. At what point do I just accept that she is not keen and stop trying to push it?

Also a further reason we couldn't stay with MiL is that my asthma is triggered by her carpets. I can manage a short stay by upping my inhalers but a long stay, particularly before and after birth was never really feasible.

Yes, we made a choice to combine households with my mother, but that is really just for DS's benefit as he was getting so upset being confined to our house at home.

Stop trying to force her into doing anything with DS.

Just concentrate on adult phone calls or whatever your usual method is and if DS and her interact in that time then so be it. But please both of you stop telling her she needs to do anything.

Your MIL most likely does have conflicting feelings but she's giving you all space. I would get your husband to send her a message saying the door always open but give her space. I am sure contact will ensure once you return home.

You have no reason to think she is not keen - but plenty of people on here have told you she is probably feeling lonely, pushed out and sad. You are choosing not to listen to that but instead, to put the onus on her to contact you. Poor woman.

I have no advice due to my situation being different my MIL has called her grandson ONCE!! In 7 weeks and deems that it's not her duty to call, however I should be calling her to see how she is, she won't even look after her grandson considering my mum sadly passed away when I was 21 weeks pregnant she claimed that she would step up and be an amazing nan to my son, I could rant on all day - I don't understand MIL are pain in the butt's!!

OP I would look at it a different way - not from your DSs needs (he has his DM, DF, DGM, DSis to keep him entertained)

But from your MILs - does she live alone? Is she shielding - mane she just needs some adult care and appreciation now rather than feeling she has to entertain a toddler over the phone.

It’s the intention behind the contact - show her you care about her not about what you think she needs to do for your DS.

Can you send her a gift?

I’ve called my dd to see my grandson a couple of times, but generally it’s far better for her to FaceTime me when he’s in a good mood to seal to he for a minute.