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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Offered shielding family member a place to stay, but regretting it... AIBU?

82 replies

Buildblock · 02/05/2020 10:43

Basically, STUPIDLY invited shielding mum here because they were struggling to cope alone... but I'm struggling having them here due to the fact she is so difficult to live with.

I'm sorry if this post is a bit disjointed or doesn't make sense in places but my emotions are high and I just need to vent!!

Basically, I just feel sorry for her. She has negatively impacted so many people's lives (mine included) that people just avoid her. At times I'm of the feeling that she has brought it on herself but then I just feel guilty because she 'family.'

She is part of the conspiracy crowd and comes here, tells us amongst many other things coronavirus is not real, leaving the house everyday for cigarettes and alcohol. Will not pay with card because this is another conspiracy - the gov are turning us into a cashless society so they can keep tabs on everything and restrict every part of our lives. Will not take her outdoor shoes off in carpeted rooms that the baby is crawling around in. Not hand washing at all (AT ALL!!) because "it's how you build up immunity and germs/viruses are just a theory." So why would we need immunity at all? Surely she's just contradicting herself. Basically anything that the gov advises she does the complete opposite because it's all a conspiracy. But then dropping sly hints about how breastfeeding (which she knows I had an almighty struggle with) is best every so often - I know it's best which is why I tried so hard for so long. But the only reason she would know it was 'best' is because the WHO/gov have done the research and told us for the greater good. The same WHO funded by the "villain Bill Gates who is just trying to depopulate the world by inventing a vaccine that will kill us all." She's concerned the economy is going to pot but does not contribute to society or have any assets so I don't know what she's worried about. She tells us she's worried we've harmed our children by vaccinating them, yet smokes about 40 a day. Sits downstairs lecturing the household regarding Trump: the best thing since sliced bread. From 5G to world leaders being lizards from underground or something this woman is driving me f*** crazy.

Anytime I tell her to just stop speaking about these things she just says I have a narrow mind and I'm ignorant, indoctrinated and can't listen to differing points of view.

She just sits all day watching all these conspiracy videos on her tablet out loud without earphones. We could be sitting watching a film with the children and that's all we can hear. Nobody says anything because I guess we are all spineless and the children are so kind. I assume she thinks we will listen and our minds will be changed.

I know the next thing that will come will be her judging of my parenting skills. I am spending a lot of time away from the communal areas (because she's in them) and my DH is doing the bulk of everything. He finds it easy to just switch off but at the same time it's just encouraging her because she thinks he's in agreement. But I'm just trying to avoid confrontation.

I can't help but think it's her way of blaming the world because basically she has royally screwed up every aspect of her life.

AIBU for wanting her to go? Thoughts?

OP posts:
whatisthisdeliciousthing · 02/05/2020 11:51

Sounds like my mum op, minus the smoking. No way i would ever have invited her to live with me because I know there is no chance I could deal with it. It's too much. Tell her to go.

KitchenConfidential · 02/05/2020 11:55

She’s not actually shielding with her behaviour and is putting you and your family at risk. Home she goes!

Original poster
Buildblock · 02/05/2020 12:05

@YinMnBlue As everyone else avoids her she hadn't had any proper conversations or interactions since lockdown started. Her internet was cut off as she didn't have money to pay the bill so was unable to have her conspiracies streaming 24/7. She doesn't have a TV.
She indicated to me that she wasn't eating and said she was finding it 'difficult' which isn't like her so the alarm bells started ringing. I thought at least if she was here I could make sure she was eating and I could stock up on her fags weekly when I did the big shop. I personally hate the smoking but she categorically will not give up and just shouts at me if I suggest it.
I can't really communicate with her like that. When I went ballistic she wasn't washing her hands (above everything else because she handles my baby, his toys etc.) she just laughed at me and said I was snobby, was odd then went down and said to the room "who even washes their hands when they go for a pee" on her high horse thinking she is in the right.

@squarecloud How do you respond to your dad when he starts with the conspiracies? Can I ask how his life turned out/is going? Personally, all the people I know that try to spread this fear are people who aren't happy with their own lives and are just trying to bring us all down. For example, a vulnerable family member (who doesn't understand anyone can post anything online) really wanted to save up and buy something but after a few visits from my mum was saying "What's the point, we are going to die soon." Then he was trying to convince us it was all about to end.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Think I'll do so tomorrow. It's a long drive and I just need to calm down before I get into a car with her. Thanks for the good advice, have the website open in another tab. Looks helpful.

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 02/05/2020 12:05

There is no reason for her to be at your home. She's not shielding so she can do what she is doing at her on house. This isn't good for you or your children - please think about them and what they are being exposed to. Her actions are actually causing more exposure to you all. Zero respect being in your house. OMG...She must leave today. You are not an awful person to do so. There are plenty of older people on their own that are cared for more right now by community than there were before. She will be fine. You must think of your family. This current way of living is not going to suddenly stop and we go back to normal.

SuperFurryDoggy · 02/05/2020 12:11

Wow. Give yourself a pat on the back for turning out so normal and then move her back home with your conscience clear. I’m aware that’s far easier said than done!

2outof3Mightbebad · 02/05/2020 12:12

She's not shielding so for what reason has she been claiming to shield in the first place?

She's not your responsibilty.

Chloemol · 02/05/2020 12:14

She is not shielding, so she can now go home. Just pack up het things and tell her to leave

NotMyNigel · 02/05/2020 12:22

Take her home.

Book yourself in for some counselling. You have actually put yourself and your own husband and children at risk because of your own poor boundaries. You would rather risk them becoming ill than you having to deal with your own feelings of fear, obligation and guilt.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you need help to work this through.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/05/2020 12:25

Do you think all of that was true? Or was she playing you?

Either way you can tell her very plainly that her continued disrespect for you and your family has had it's consequences and she is no longer welcome.

Buy her a bag of shopping if that makes you feel better, but you have to put your kids first.

Troels · 02/05/2020 12:28

She goes out and has money for cigarettes, so she choses what she spends money on, food might be a good idea. Take her home and let he sort herself out. If she wants internet she can but needs to cut down on cigs. She doesn't sound very nice at all. She knows she's putting you and the baby at risk.

dontgobaconmyheart · 02/05/2020 12:31

Well she isn't shielding is she, and if she thinks it's all made up she has no reason TO shield so she may as well go home. There is no additional safety in being at your home as she ignores guidelines.

For your own sanity and actually, your families health since she is risking it significantly by popping out endlessly, I'd tell her we were dropping her home. You need to get rid OP, her behaviour is unreasonable and she sounds toxic.

MilkNoSugars · 02/05/2020 12:33

Tell her to leave -

She's not shielding
She doesn't need you to go out and get stuff for her as she's happy to go to shops
She's putting your family at risk by going out unnecessarily, not washing hands etc
She is not pleasant to be around

You just need to get brave and tell her she's going home.

Original poster
Buildblock · 02/05/2020 12:39

@CuriousaboutSamphire I had thought about that. It dawned on me yesterday that it might be a possibility.

@NotMyNigel I know Sad

@2outof3Mightbebad She didn't say to me she should be shielding (she believes this is all just an excuse to crash the economy and make people unemployed) but according to gov advice she should be one of the ones shielding. I thought if I brought her here and had everything she would need under one roof then she would stay put. Thought she also needed the company as she seemed a bit down in the dumps.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 02/05/2020 12:47

She sounds like Typhoid Mary.

It's your house OP, put your foot down and give her an ultimatum - behave like a human being or bugger off.

crustycrab · 02/05/2020 12:47

So tell her that.

Say you invited her because you thought she'd be shielding but as she isn't and is choosing to still go out and about there are no benefits to her staying with you.

BarbedBloom · 02/05/2020 12:54

She would be gone as she is putting your family and baby at risk. She doesn't care. You surround yourself with those who enhance your life, that is more important than blood

TeaAndHobnob · 02/05/2020 13:07

She's not shielding so there's no need for her to stay with you. She needs to go home.

NaviSprite · 02/05/2020 13:26

Oh boy OP, I do think you need to send her home (not washing hands and handling your baby is awful at the best of times let alone now!!). I’m going to suggest that maybe she slipped in the comment about not eating because she wanted you to take pity on her - seems she was successful, you mentioned she’s had a negative impact on many people throughout life, is there a MH issue? Either way it doesn’t sound like a good atmosphere for you, your DH or your baby, if you’re deliberately interacting with your DC less because of your Mum then she needs to go back home, don’t let obligation and guilt suck you in - she sounds like she has zero respect for you, so put yourself first Flowers

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/05/2020 13:29

Send her home. No one smokes near me or mine. She's increase the risks for everyone else.

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2020 13:36

There are a number of reasons she shouldn't be around your children.

Send her home.

EmmaOvary · 02/05/2020 14:04

She doesn't give a shiny shit about yours or your family's welfare. Send her packing.

Incontinencesucks · 02/05/2020 14:17

She's not shielding she's a walking cesspit of germs. You might not get Covid but theres still flu, norovirus, rotavirus... if she won't even wash her hands to piss and shit i wouldn't have her near me or my family, certainly not food surfaces.

Don't inflict her on your family anymore. Be honest today stop her ruining movies and family time and get her packing.

Reading your OP its not surprising no one can stand her, she's selfish and disrespectful.

Original poster
Buildblock · 02/05/2020 14:23

@NaviSprite MH issues, nothing diagnosed. Just has a history of being spiteful and vindictive. Going above and beyond to make others upset.

OP posts:
Getlostu · 02/05/2020 14:50

I’m sorry but she’s disgusting. She doesn’t respect your house rules and you are all enabling her. She’s putting all of your lives at risk with her behaviour. How would you feel if she brings the virus into your home and one of your loved ones dies? Because right now that’s a real possibility. That’s how serious this is. She’s not even following basic hand washing guidelines. She’s utterly vile and you need to tell her to go home. Tell her she’s had her chance. Her conspiracies are ridiculous. She’s not a trained scientist and needs to keep her toxic opinions to herself. Tell her everybody is starting to avoid her and she’s making herself unloveable. Tell her if she wants to lose her family then carry on but she’s on her last warning. Your baby comes first and if she can’t do that then you shouldn’t have her in your home.

Elieza · 02/05/2020 14:53

You’ve tried your best to help her when nobody else did.

Your conscience can be clear.

Your house. Your rules. If she does not wish to abide by then you fully understand this but as you are socially isolating and trying to live healthy lives her presence in your home is no longer welcome.

She can only stay if she follows your rules. If she changes and does so you may let her stay. If she has no wish to isolate, wash hands, remove shoes she can Fuck Right Off back where she came from.

You have tried. You owe it to dc to keep them safe. They are your priority now.
She had her chance and blew it.
If you have the talk and she insists she won’t follow your rules then you can run her home/send her home in a taxi tomorrow or Monday as she prefers. Not a day longer. She’s being stupid. And the result of smoking all her money away is no broadband then she’ll just have to smoke less.