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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Needy DP

30 replies

flipflopdreams · 01/05/2020 17:19

Been with my DP for 2 years and we’re expecting our first child in a couple of months.

He has always been very needy! To the point I thought he was love bombing me at first but come to realise this is just his personality. He constantly wants my attention, always blowing me kisses every f**in time I walk past him or stand up to walk into the kitchen, saying I love you constantly and after most sentences always wanting to hold hands when we are just waking into the supermarket it’s goes on and on. I’ve been spending time alone in the bedroom to get away from him and all this and he will still send me messages from downstairs of pictures of himself or the dog or what he’s eating. If I’m sitting reading or watching tv he will try to get my attention by talking to the dog saying things to make me try and look over.

It’s got to the point where my heart sinks when I hear his keys in the door coming home from work. I can’t take neediness anymore I need space and I can imagine when the baby is here I’m going to feel worse. I’ve started to ignore his constant messages and love you’s throughout the day and don’t let him know when I’m awake because as soon as I message him he calls me! I have dreams of running away from him and I’m thinking of leaving once the baby is here... this would be too much for anyone right?

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 01/05/2020 17:24

Have you actually spoken to him about it?

LadyPips · 01/05/2020 17:38

Sounds like my worst nightmare. Sorry, I'm sure this is an awful time for you.
As above, have you spoken to him about how annoying he's being?

qwertyuiop098 · 01/05/2020 17:44

Yes that is not normal and would make most people run for the hills. What made you think you had a future with him? Has it got worse?

NotStayingIn · 01/05/2020 17:48

This is such a typical ‘why on earth did you have a child with him’ scenario.

So assuming that up till a few months ago you didn’t find it too off putting what has changed? Has he possibly become even worse since you are pregnant?

If yes that might be a way into the conversation, that you feel it’s getting a bit OTT now.

Babooshkar · 01/05/2020 17:56

Have you not have a conversation with him about it?

Has he always been like this?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 01/05/2020 17:56

Oh man that would drive me insane. Once the baby arrives he's going to be 10x worse as he'll be jealous of not having your undivided attention.

I'd suggest leaving before the due date if you can.

rvby · 01/05/2020 17:57

If you don't like him then why are you with him?

MaeDanvers · 01/05/2020 18:03

I feel suffocated just reading that. I think you have to try and talk this through with him ASAP if you haven’t already because it’s going to be way worse when you have your baby. How is he going to cope with pretty much all your attention going on a newborn for a start?

EatDessertFirst · 01/05/2020 18:09

Ugh, I have 'The Ick' just reading that! Its my worst nightmare! Grim.
Agreeing with pp, he is gonna be a million times worse when the baby comes and is no longer able to monopolise your attention. You should try and sort it before the baby arrives and prepare yourself for single parenthood if he refuses to change. Its unlikely he will be a great dad as he will be so busy pawing you and checking where you are the baby will get pushed to the side anyway.

Ilovetheseventies · 01/05/2020 18:17

Just tell him to calm down and back off. My DP was like this and it was suffocating but he's relaxed sometimes it's just a question of time and you showing him how's it to be otherwise it won't work. When the baby comes he'll maybe be competing for Yr affection.

FTstepmum · 01/05/2020 18:19

Give the poor bloke a chance to change! He's clearly insecure.

I'd rather have that than an abusive man, or one that doesn't care or help.

Tell him that you love him, but you find his manner too suffocating and it's really irritating you.

Original poster
flipflopdreams · 01/05/2020 18:23

I’ve told him before and he just sulks. Then goes back to how he always is. Baby wasn’t planned, I had the coil fitted and was actually thinking about ending things before I found out.

Can’t stand being around him most of the time because I feel like he sucks the life from me. Since being pregnant it feels a lot worse. I f**ked up! But being a single a parent sounds a million times better than how I’m feeling right now.

OP posts:
Thatnameistaken · 01/05/2020 18:23

It would do my head in too, what's his take on the situation?

BackseatCookers · 01/05/2020 18:24

I got the second hand ick reading this, argh! I cannot fathom why you are having a baby with someone you are so incompatible with, it's madness.

Have you spoken to him about this before? If this is just how he is and you haven't had a proper talk with him before then you've been pretty cruel to him I think.

I could not be with someone so needy and suffocating, so I wouldn't have continued a relationship and built a life with them knowing that their natural communication and affection style was so incompatible with me.

You can be successful coparents without being a couple and you both then have the chance to meet other people and model healthy relationships to your child as they grow up.

Original poster
flipflopdreams · 01/05/2020 18:25

I know it’s better than an abusive partner but he isn’t respecting my boundaries much like someone abusive.

OP posts:
Thatnameistaken · 01/05/2020 18:25

Cross posted, the baby might just divert/absorb his attention.

BackseatCookers · 01/05/2020 18:26

Sorry cross posted with your last message. You need to break up, you can be successful coparents without being in a relationship together. Otherwise this will be death by a thousand papercuts for you and soul destroying for him.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/05/2020 18:28

I am very concerned for you once the baby arrives. I fear that all this ott affection and smothering will turn into jealousy and anger. I would be making my exit plan of I were you. This relationship is never going to work.

madcatladyforever · 01/05/2020 18:30

Its no good being nice about this. You need to tell him you feel completely suffocated, you can't stand it and you are considering leaving.
Spell it out.

rvby · 01/05/2020 18:40

@flipflopdreams Baby wasn’t planned, I had the coil fitted and was actually thinking about ending things before I found out. OK... so... why are you still with him then? And why did you continue the pregnancy?

Cherrysoup · 01/05/2020 18:50

Are you his first relationship? Before lockdown, was he always checking where you were? Didn’t like you going out with your friends/being away from him alone?

TheSmelliestHouse · 01/05/2020 18:57

Suggest that you talk to him about this before you have the baby, so he doesn't blame the baby.

ConnieDoodle · 01/05/2020 18:57

It’s way too much. Can you have a proper conversation about it, say it is a massive issue that you cannot live with, so he calms the fuck down, Or gets counselling and calms the fuck down?

Getlostu · 01/05/2020 18:59

Jesus!! I couldn’t cope with that! Way too much

Lampan · 01/05/2020 19:06

It sounds like you have already made up your mind that you want out of the relationship. I think that would be very sensible. Better to end it now than after the baby arrives. You have tried talking to him so he has had his chance and is it going to change.
I would find somewhere to go (not easy at the moment, I know) and tell him it is over. He sounds at best creepy and at worst controlling/abusive. Good luck