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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband denies affair

29 replies

Frances123456 · 01/05/2020 08:52

Hi
Advice on getting over suspicions Husband had affair/ sexual involvement with another woman. Suspected my husband had affair with one woman in 2014/2015 and 2018. however he denied both and then " gaslighted ". Told me I was paranoid, stressed, menopausal. He said this to our adult children ( who live at home) as well . He is a brilliant liar. Some of the hurt as gone now but cannot trust him. Children are dependent on me for present, financially ( as well as husband ( who is not in good health, has chronic health problems).

Not sure what to do. Thank you

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/05/2020 09:00

If there is no trust, there is no relationship. Of course he would deny any previous affairs, if he can and has lied to you so blithely previously why would he ever tell any sort of truth now?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. For whose sake are you staying?. Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing your kids too?.

I would seriously consider getting legal advice asap with a view to divorce. You do not need him or his permission to do this. I would also think you do not want to become his carer as he further ages.

DoctorManhattan · 01/05/2020 09:26

There’s 2 scenarios here.

He is what he is - a liar and cheat who you can’t trust. Without trust there’s really no relationship so you have to ask yourself if you can continue like that. Personally my advice would be to start making plans to get out.

Or . .

He’s telling the truth and your suspicions are unfounded.

What evidence did you have or what prompted the suspicions? Is there any way you can verify anything that would prove he had the affair?

Hannah021 · 01/05/2020 09:34

Hmmm i dont really understand confrontations that arent based on black and white evidence, with someone known to be a liar. I dont expect the person to come clean (default is lie & deny)... And it will make him much more careful hiding evidence, which wont help me find out.

If the person is generally honest and made a mistake and you are certain you will either catch him trying to lie during the confrontation, or will just come clean directly... Then ok. But in ur case he is a liar!

I dont know how u can take this forward, he may well be innocent, even if he's a liar.

MikeUniformMike · 01/05/2020 09:44

Well, he would wouldn't he.

Told me I was paranoid, stressed, menopausal.
That rings a bell, and yes he was.

LTB.

SandyY2K · 01/05/2020 09:49

What were your suspicions based on?

category12 · 01/05/2020 10:07

Your adult children can surely shift for themselves if needs be? They can get jobs/be eligible for benefits. They can move with you, help you leave, or help him move out.

I think you should plan splitting up and moving on. You're not happy, you can't trust him, what's the point?

Original poster
Frances123456 · 01/05/2020 13:12

thanks everyone.
The lies were over 2 telephone conversions I heard when he did not think I was home or could hear. One conversion, he seemed to be masturbating to her on the phone. There was also 4 evenings when he was catching the eye and making eyes at the suspected woman ( in our local pub). He was not looking at me but always at her ( although I was sitting opposite him, and she was at another table). He denies even flirting with her. Says he was looking all around the room at the pub.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 01/05/2020 13:56

It sounds like your marriage is over regardless

AJPTaylor · 01/05/2020 14:24

I would stop worrying about "being fair" And proof. What would divorce look like? Find out your position then act. Your kids are adults. He sounds like a burden.

HopeClearwater · 01/05/2020 14:26

He has poor health and plays away from home? Do you want to spend your retirement nursing this prize?

Original poster
Frances123456 · 01/05/2020 22:14

Thank you for your advice.
My 2 children are in in good health at present. Youngest has chronic fatigue syndrome, other is studying with OU at home. However in 1-2 yrs things may improve in their situations.

OP posts:
WickedlyPetite · 01/05/2020 22:24

Advice would depend on his chronic health problems.

Is he likely to croak it any time soon? Could you wait it out in the short term until that happens.

Or are you going to be expected to nurse him into his very old age? Would that be tolerable for you?

SandyY2K · 02/05/2020 01:13

Well you know what you heard and you know what you saw.

Original poster
Frances123456 · 02/05/2020 07:52

Hi
My husband has psoriatic arthritis and diabetes. He is very overweight. He uses alcohol a lot to help with pain. Goes to pub a lot until lockdown.
The issue is trust. I can live with him as a house mate. Has anyone got over trust issues when partner denies totally an affair and you strongly suspect it.
Thank you.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 02/05/2020 08:08

The issue isn't trust.

The issue is that he is not trustworthy, and so you would be foolish to trust him.

The only way to 'get over' that is to accept he is a letchy liar and accept that this is your life from now on. Liars don't suddenly become truthful.

Or you could decide you to move on.

Susanna85 · 02/05/2020 08:39

No. I don't think it's possible to trust someone fully once they've betrayed you. From personal experience, it never leaves the back of your mind and you never feel fully comfortable again.

These incidents where a while ago, so you've given the relationship time to heal. But it sounds like it hasn't.

Just to point out as well, he doesn't have to have been unfaithful for you to separate. If you're not happy- you're not happy! Get legal advice.

TwentyViginti · 02/05/2020 08:52

He doesn't sound an attractive proposition as an affair partner tbh.

Original poster
Frances123456 · 02/05/2020 13:55

Thank you.
You are right Susanna, you never feel comfortable again, especially if it happened more than once. I feel I need to stay until situation with children is clearer.
Thanks for ideas.
Thanks Frances

OP posts:
Original poster
Frances123456 · 13/05/2020 05:50

Thanks for advice from everyone. I feel I want to wait till son has completed his degree ( 1 more year).

OP posts:
Original poster
Frances123456 · 25/05/2020 07:21

Thanks for all the messages
I am wondering if I should "get over it" and just accept that I will never know what all happened. If H has another relationship with another woman, I know now to be more careful and get private investigator to do some work, not just to sit getting upset and suspecting him and not to raise it with him (as he always will lie). Pain fades after 1 year or so. However trust and knowing I was treated by H with disdain does not.

OP posts:
AdoreTheBeach · 25/05/2020 08:25

@Frances123456

If you’re so terribly unhappy, have no trust in your husband, he treats you with disdain - and clearly lack of respect if you’re out together and he stares at other woman, why do you need a private detective to divorce? You don’t actually need to prove adultery to divorce. You’d be spending your money more wisely by obtaining a good lawyer for your divorce proceedings.

Otherwise, you’re just tormenting yourself. He’s a liar. You’ll never know what I’m in the past even if you did use a private detective for future affairs.

As This has been going on for you for a good long while now, I can only imagine how it’s been for you during lock down. Take back some control. Contact a solicitor - or a few - for some free consultations over the phone to find out a bit more of what you can do and then engage one of them. By taking some action, just getting to know what you need to do, can help you feel better in this situation. Give you some control and direction. Divorce takes some while, you can start before your children are finished with open university and they’d still likely have some time in the home until the divorce and financials are finalised. A solicitor can help you understand the time lines involved too.

Babaoreally · 25/05/2020 12:08

I think that when you are being accused of being suspicious or paranoid-and when you haven’t been that way always - you have to conclude that the relationship you have is making you so, and isn’t working for you. Whether your suspicions are vindicated or not - the relationship is not putting them to rest. It’s really reason enough to know that you need to escape.

Original poster
Frances123456 · 25/05/2020 12:09

Thank you.

OP posts:
caringdenise009 · 25/05/2020 12:17

Have you asked him about the phonecall you overhead? He would probably feel that he did not have an affair because she wasn't there in the room so it doesn't count(in his head), has he explained what you heard?

Tappering · 25/05/2020 12:53

In your shoes I would divorce him.

He's acting like a millstone around your neck.

If you are financially independent then file for divorce, find somewhere else to live and take you and the children with you. Let him get on with it.

You have one life - do you want another 40-odd years of this treatment?