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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think my husband is having an affair

41 replies

AmanBajaj1 · 16/09/2007 22:13

Hi all, I'm new here and I felt compelled to post due to my situation.

I've been with my husband for about 7 years now. I am actually born in India but I came to this country when I got married in 2000.

Recently, my husband has been coming back late in the evenings - he works in a Leicester call centre. One day I checked his phone and saw some extremely saucy text messages from his work colleague. I don't want to repeat everything written in it, but it said things like "Yesterday was hot, can't wait to see you tommorow babe" and so on.

In our spare time, we run a successful eBay business selling school labels, so I spend most of the day making labels. I haven't got a full time job, I stay at home and look after our two beautiful children, one of whom I had just given birth to in last year in December.

I'm really sorry to let this all out, but I don't know what to do. I love my husband and he really loves me, well at least I thought he did, but I am pretty sure he is cheating on me because I found a pack of condoms in his bag to work.

I don't know how to approach him, for fear that he might get angry / or attack me. Any suggestions?

Aman Bajaj

OP posts:
totaleclipse · 16/09/2007 22:15

Attack you??!!
Has he attacked you before?

elesbells · 16/09/2007 22:15

sorry you feel so bad

why would you feel he would attack you? has he done it before?

fawkeoff · 16/09/2007 22:17

????? i think you should have it out with him

KerryMum · 16/09/2007 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

plainsailing · 16/09/2007 22:24

I does sound as if he is having an affair. Think about what you want to happen, before you talk to him. Would you want to split up, or not, for example. If you are worried that he will get angry, is there anyone you could get on your side (a relative, for example) or would that make him more angry? You know him better than we do!

In the end, you have a right to expect your husband to be faithful, so talk to him and listen to what he says - was it a mistake Does he want to bewith this person? etc.

Good luck.

KerryMum · 16/09/2007 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AmanBajaj1 · 16/09/2007 22:27

My husband had attacked me once before, but it was 5 years ago because I suspected he was having an affair a long while back. He would tell me he was going bowling with his friends, but I was told by some of my friends he was out with other girls clubbing. Some days he would not come back home to the early hours of the morning so I did approach him and it resulted in him attacking me. At the time, I was still new to the UK so I stayed silent hoping it was just a moment of madness, but now I'm in the same situation again and I don't know how to approach him regarding my suspicions.

Aman Bajaj

OP posts:
plainsailing · 16/09/2007 22:27

That's a bit personal, but could he say they were for when he is with you?

WaynettaVonSlob · 16/09/2007 22:29

If you are using your real name, and he has attacked you, are you sure that's sensible?

plainsailing · 16/09/2007 22:29

Yes, don't use your real name on here!

Original poster
AmanBajaj1 · 16/09/2007 22:31

Oh silly me! where can I change my username>?

OP posts:
plainsailing · 16/09/2007 22:42

The blue band at the top of the page, click on 'My Mumsnet' and you can change it.

abcdef1 · 16/09/2007 22:47

Thank you for the help

elesbells · 16/09/2007 22:53

i really dont know what to say to help you with him having an affair, tbh im more worried that you're scared he might attack you if you ask him about it.

you shouldn't be living like this.

KerryMum · 16/09/2007 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EscapeFrom · 16/09/2007 22:58

Amanbajaj1

Nobody has the right to attack you - has he done this before? It's awful that you don't dare approach him about this for fear of being attacked!

www.multikulti.org.uk/agencies/english/east-midlands/25145/

The above is a multicultural domestic violence organisation which is local to you. They hopefully with understand the many issues you face, and may help you to decide what you want to do next.

Wishing you good luck in dealing with this difficult situation.

plainsailing · 16/09/2007 22:59

Perhaps you could approach it by not making a big deal of it, ask him to come home early because you miss him? See how he responds.

I'm off to bed now, but will check in tomorrow. xx

puffling · 16/09/2007 23:01

If you have noone to support you, perhaps you could contact a womens' group for advice. It sounds as if he is having an affair and could be nasty again if you confronted him.
This group, for example, have a Leicester office:
www.womensaid.org.uk/

Tortington · 16/09/2007 23:02

you should start to plan if you truly believe you suspicions are true. you need to somehow work out finances - you need to squirrel some money away - a lile extra for the shopping or nappies or clothes etc. every penny helps.

you then need to work out your exit strategy - are you a) going to have him removed by the police should be attack you and stay in the marital home
b) leave the marital home

if b) then where are you going to go? how will this affect your rights on your home?

do youneed to seek legal advice

free session at a solicitor?
CAB?

how will you cope on your own with two children?

what will you be entitled to?

try website entitledto.com ( might be .co.uk) this should give you a lsit of benefits you may be entitled to.

if it turns out that he is taking evening modern art classes and making a special piece out of condoms - then you can sigh a huge sigh of relief

if not however

you have your bases covered - you have your plan

make your plan - let him have an affair if thats what he is doing - and take the time to put things in place. like appts with solicitors and cab - putting away money secretly - even contacting the housing office and speaking to someone about your housing options.

dont just have a fight with him - get a black eye and everything else and then wonder what the fuck you are going to do.

arm yourself. equip yourself the best that you can.

Kaloo20 · 16/09/2007 23:04

TROLL TROLL TROLL

Ladies - I can't believe you were taken in by this

For one who knows nothing about forums and posts in their own name .. they suddenly use the word username without any previous reference to it

I smell a rat

Tortington · 16/09/2007 23:06

well at least if not -i hope she has information.

if so que sera

InMyHumbleOpinion · 16/09/2007 23:07

Better 2000 trolls take me in than one genuine person crying into the night.

I don't care. I will always answer on this subject./

puffling · 16/09/2007 23:08

Wouldn't you only do a troll post, if you had something humorous or naughty to say?

fireflyfairy2 · 16/09/2007 23:10

Kaloo, where does she say she doesn't use forums or know anything about usernames?

She said she has never posted here before.

elesbells · 16/09/2007 23:10

i would much rather give advice and be made a fool of, than assume she is a troll and be wrong. i hope it is a troll.

great advice custy if she's not.

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