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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I really that bad? Why do I keep getting myself into trouble

38 replies

Smitneybeers · 30/04/2020 07:42

I haven’t had the best of mornings to be honest and I could really do with some help realising if I’m really as bad as this and what I can do to change.

This morning me and DP woke up. He’s currently furloughed and I am still working as a key worker. The hours aren’t particularly long but it does mean I have to wake early and walk a long way to get there.
Before lockdown DPs motorbike got stolen off our drive the police were too busy to deal with it and subsequently... we’ll it’s gone and the excess on the insurance was around the cost of the bike anyway so there was no point in claiming and we just wrote it off as a loss. Once DP was furloughed and I continued to work we decided to save as much as we can toward a new bike as really all we would be spending is money for food, however we both decided to decorate parts of the house. A lick of paint and some decor which I really didn’t think cost a lot. All the while DP agreeing and saying how wonderful it all looks. I’ve also bought some other things we didn’t really need a couple of bottles of wine for me here and there. Beer for him. Treats for DD. But we’ve also spent a lot more money on food this month. More than double actually.
So DP wakes up this morning. It’s pay day and he realises that he’s £50 short on his wage. He was originally furloughed at 100% pay but it went down to 80% after a certain period of time which is why his wage is £50
Down as such.

I told him in the grand scheme of things it’s not a huge amount to loose and he is fortunate to have been on 100% pay in the first place. I still have to go to work and get paid the same so he should be thankful.

Well that was it. He blew up and I mean blew up. He said, I spend all the money. I don’t do anything. I don’t want him to be happy. I don’t want him to have a motorbike. I’m shit at saving. I buy loads of unnecessary crap. And basically it’s all my fault because we’ve only managed to save £40. I am terrible with saving I will admit that. But everything I do I make sure he’s happy with too. After all it is OUR money and he knows exactly where it’s going. I will readily admit that I maybe did over spend on something’s but I just always seem to get the backlash of everything. Not just from DP but from other members of my family too. I feel like I’m constantly getting into bother no matter how hard I try and I honestly feel like just running away and never coming back.

Please help me find some perspective. What’s wrong with me?

OP posts:

Pelleas · 30/04/2020 07:50

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. If your DP thought you were spending too much he should have said so when you came back with his beer - not randomly blown up at you on payday. You say you feel you are 'constantly getting into bother' - do you mean he often shouts at you for things that aren't your fault? That doesn't sound very healthy to me. Yes, we all have strained tempers under lockdown but it sounds as though your DP has crossed a line, and not for the first time.

AgentJohnson · 30/04/2020 08:04

Ok you both need to take responsibility but you aren’t.

Spending double on your normal food bill is a lot and if you know you’re bad with money, than you need to budget. However, that doesn’t absolve your H’s responsibility by not voicing his concerns earlier.

Draw up a budget!

Bananalanacake · 30/04/2020 08:07

Nothing is wrong with you, you can spend money on what you want, you work for it.

copycopypaste · 30/04/2020 08:08

Sounds like you both need to sit down and do a spreadsheet and budget.

As for him blowing up, he sounds frustrated that, as a family, neither of you have saved much. But that doesn't excuse his behaviour and I'd be expecting an apology

pumpkinpie01 · 30/04/2020 08:09

Sounds like he was annoyed about his wages and instead of being angry at his boss, which obviously he couldn't be , he transferred the blame to you and what you have spent. Next pay day why don't you agree beforehand what you are going to save for the month and on payday transfer it immediately.

Shoxfordian · 30/04/2020 08:10

I don't think anything is wrong with you
Why did he only just realise his pay was being reduced? He seems happy to enjoy the beer, and the house improvements but also expects you to have a magical motorbike fund.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/04/2020 08:13

I agree with Agent Johnson

Also don’t think decor should be a priority when wages are not certain and your DHs only mode of transport needs to be replaced.

Hammer19 · 30/04/2020 08:16

We have been spending much more on food recently, probably double too, not because of luxuries but because the own label brands haven't been available. I think food is more important at these times than savings for a bike.

I'm not sure a couple of bottles of wine, beer and smal treats would have contributed too much to your savings.

AgentJohnson · 30/04/2020 08:17

Saving doesn’t happen by magic, i

reefedsail · 30/04/2020 08:21

£50 is 20% of his monthly wage?

Rainbowqueeen · 30/04/2020 08:26

You need a budget and you need to allocate the amount you agree to save to a separate savings account as soon as you get paid. It’s the only way.
Work out how much you can reasonably save after bills etc and a bit of fun money then put it in a separate account so there’s no chance of it being spent

Yes your behaviour hasn’t been great but neither has his. You both need to acknowledge you need a new system then move on

Wallywobbles · 30/04/2020 08:36

Does he really only earn 250 a month?

Puds11 · 30/04/2020 08:37

@reefedsail that was what I thought.

If the bike is solely for his use is this not something he should save for and buy out of his own money not the family pot?

noyoucannotcomein · 30/04/2020 08:38

He's been furloughed at a certain point, so the the £50 is probably a pro rata amount and he'll take a bigger hit next month when furloughed for a full pay period.

Original poster

Smitneybeers · 30/04/2020 08:40

Just to clarify DP can get to work with out his motorbike but it does make it easier for him.

In terms of the £50 is 80% of his wage. His furlough changed from 100% to 80% about a week ago so the £50 less is the difference between the 100% and the 80% if that makes sense

OP posts:

Puds11 · 30/04/2020 08:42

No that’s confused me more. But it sounds like he is on an incredibly low wage unless I’m missing something. Maybe saving for a motorbike isn’t realistic.

reefedsail · 30/04/2020 08:48

Maybe saving for a motorbike isn’t realistic.

That's where I was going with it. If he's only bringing home £250pcm I'd be amazed if saving was a realistic goal.

However, maybe what PP said is correct and the drop from 100% to 80% kicked in towards the end of a month.

2outof3Mightbebad · 30/04/2020 08:50

I'd have been pissed off with being told I should be grateful for being paid furlough when you're still working. It's passive aggressive and patronising.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 30/04/2020 08:56

If the 20% reduction kicked in a week ago, he'd be on more like £1000pcm.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 30/04/2020 09:00

I agree with a PP that it's easier to transfer what you want to save the beginning of the month - then it doesn't get accidentally spent.

But I think your DP handled his feelings badly. He should have the guts to bring the topic up before it gets to exploding point!

Maybe try to tighten the belt next month - treats only for you and DC!

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2020 09:01

Is he on min wage? I guess he’s worried about money and his bike, but you both need to work together if finances are tight.

Puddlejuice · 30/04/2020 09:04

How much do you both earn? Perhaps decorating etc is not viable if you're both on £500 per month, that's what your OP suggests?

MissHemsworth · 30/04/2020 09:07

If he's furloughed & you are still working then maybe he can take charge of food shopping & planning the monthly shopping budget.

We are being sensible with money but our shopping budget has gone up too. Don't forget you are now shelling out for lunch/snacks everyday & the shops have put their prices up.

pickingdaisies · 30/04/2020 09:08

Ok I hope that he's just fed up and frustrated with lockdown and losing his bike, and having to basically depend on your wages. Then being told to be grateful, was the final straw. BUT, I'm worried when you say you are always getting in trouble. This should be a partnership. You should be deciding what to save, and what to spend, together. If you've been doing that, he has no right to blow up in your face. Also if you are still working, is he doing his share of shopping etc? Food shops are more expensive now, none of the special offers are on, a lot of the cheap options have disappeared. I agree with others, don't just agree to do or buy something, work out the costs and then decide. I really hope he's just had a temporary meltdown and you can sort this out by talking it through. If he's always like this, have a good long think about your relationship.

Frost1nMay · 30/04/2020 09:10

Your second post about the £50 makes things even more unclear. Is he paid weekly?? if £50 was 20% of his total wage then I think he should look for other work. Supermarkets are hiring temp staff.

From the sounds of things, he is on a very low wage, and in which case I think it was very irresponsible of you both to spend money on extra food and decor stuff when money is clearly tight.

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