I don’t know where to start really, probably just unloading 😂
I stupidly vented to my ex after I had ended things, we had agreed to disagree ,we split before lockdown and several times before then, for a time we didn’t communicate at all and I started to feel stronger.
Just at the point where I felt completely unemotional about him he got in touch, it was weird, exactly the same day as I’d packed all his things away. We weren’t in contact and he lives far away so it was pretty weird.
But because I felt ‘over him’ I was happy to chat and maybe I was enjoying it a bit as we had a great communication style when things were good between us and I have purposely not got into anything with anybody else.
He would get in touch every now and then to check in and we’d make polite chitchat and then We don't talk for a week or so then he finds an excuse to get in touch and we chat for a couple of days then he disappears and then comes back again so I unfriended and blocked him on social media platforms and on my phone as it was upsetting me.
Because I’m soft, I messaged him prior to unfriending and blocking just to say it’s doing my head in being in contact and not helping me to move on and then blocked so it didn’t come completely out of the blue..
he then contacted me by email and it started again, I hadn’t considered email blocking as we haven’t used email together more than once or twice when planning a holiday a year ago.
I went through several difficult things during the latter part of our relationship and became quite unwell. Some of my illness was based around his evasiveness and dishonesty.
I took all the blame for all of it, as was going through a breakdown last year and we agreed that my mental health wrecked the relationship.
Now I’ve had therapy and able to see things more clearly I can see that his lack of transparency about lots of things partly contributed to my breakdown, I was anxious an paranoid and definitely gaslighted.
contact with him this time seemed to be re traumatising me and he kept telling me how much I’d misinterpreted and misunderstood various actions and inactions of him and I ended up going at him both barrels, absolutely unnecessary tirades listing details of things we’ve gone over before and spending / wasting hours on it. Trying not to be accusatory but ultimately my aim was to get him to see my viewpoint and acknowledge it if nothing else.
I was so tenacious and even whilst typing I knew it was off and completely pointless.
He maintained that I was wrong about everything and he still loves me etc and it was due to my warped perceptions that we have lost an ‘amazing and special’ relationship.
I was so unhappy for a huge chunk of our relationship, really unwell and he showed a Real lack of empathy and compassion at the time and I am embarrassed by my continued hounding of him via email now , knowing that everything I was saying was just going to add fuel to his assertion that I am mental.
I have now blocked him everywhere I can think of so that I’m not tempted to keep on trying to be understood.
I feel like a twat and that these last emails will completely validate his opinion of me. I did apologise but I feel I have humiliated myself by opening up in such a manner when I already know he makes me feel vulnerable.
I know he'll be out dating straight away soon as he can as that’s what he’s done whenever we split before. and I know I'll be really upset when I see pics of him online with someone else , so blocked all his friends etc so I don't accidentally see something involving him or go on a late night stalk when I’m feeling low.
So at least now I’m doing no contact better.
I'm struggling to work at all, my moods are all over the place , due to other stuff f going on too so hopefully now I’ve gone proper no contact I will start to feel my mood lift again.
Has anyone else gone full pelt like this and committed it to type?
I feel like I have been a stereotype of the kind of woman men joke about.