Embarrassing outpouring

[famousforwrongreason]

I don’t know where to start really, probably just unloading 😂
I stupidly vented to my ex after I had ended things, we had agreed to disagree ,we split before lockdown and several times before then, for a time we didn’t communicate at all and I started to feel stronger.
Just at the point where I felt completely unemotional about him he got in touch, it was weird, exactly the same day as I’d packed all his things away. We weren’t in contact and he lives far away so it was pretty weird.

But because I felt ‘over him’ I was happy to chat and maybe I was enjoying it a bit as we had a great communication style when things were good between us and I have purposely not got into anything with anybody else.

He would get in touch every now and then to check in and we’d make polite chitchat and then We don't talk for a week or so then he finds an excuse to get in touch and we chat for a couple of days then he disappears and then comes back again so I unfriended and blocked him on social media platforms and on my phone as it was upsetting me.

Because I’m soft, I messaged him prior to unfriending and blocking just to say it’s doing my head in being in contact and not helping me to move on and then blocked so it didn’t come completely out of the blue..
he then contacted me by email and it started again, I hadn’t considered email blocking as we haven’t used email together more than once or twice when planning a holiday a year ago.
I went through several difficult things during the latter part of our relationship and became quite unwell. Some of my illness was based around his evasiveness and dishonesty.
I took all the blame for all of it, as was going through a breakdown last year and we agreed that my mental health wrecked the relationship.
Now I’ve had therapy and able to see things more clearly I can see that his lack of transparency about lots of things partly contributed to my breakdown, I was anxious an paranoid and definitely gaslighted.
contact with him this time seemed to be re traumatising me and he kept telling me how much I’d misinterpreted and misunderstood various actions and inactions of him and I ended up going at him both barrels, absolutely unnecessary tirades listing details of things we’ve gone over before and spending / wasting hours on it. Trying not to be accusatory but ultimately my aim was to get him to see my viewpoint and acknowledge it if nothing else.
I was so tenacious and even whilst typing I knew it was off and completely pointless.
He maintained that I was wrong about everything and he still loves me etc and it was due to my warped perceptions that we have lost an ‘amazing and special’ relationship.
I was so unhappy for a huge chunk of our relationship, really unwell and he showed a Real lack of empathy and compassion at the time and I am embarrassed by my continued hounding of him via email now , knowing that everything I was saying was just going to add fuel to his assertion that I am mental.
I have now blocked him everywhere I can think of so that I’m not tempted to keep on trying to be understood.
I feel like a twat and that these last emails will completely validate his opinion of me. I did apologise but I feel I have humiliated myself by opening up in such a manner when I already know he makes me feel vulnerable.
I know he'll be out dating straight away soon as he can as that’s what he’s done whenever we split before. and I know I'll be really upset when I see pics of him online with someone else , so blocked all his friends etc so I don't accidentally see something involving him or go on a late night stalk when I’m feeling low.
So at least now I’m doing no contact better.
I'm struggling to work at all, my moods are all over the place , due to other stuff f going on too so hopefully now I’ve gone proper no contact I will start to feel my mood lift again.

Has anyone else gone full pelt like this and committed it to type?
I feel like I have been a stereotype of the kind of woman men joke about.

No, I don't take it as having a go at all! I find it fascinating and what's really fascinating is how well rehearsed it is on both sides and how it's a universal pattern, not just unique to you and me and our own experiences.
Really appreciate your taking the time to remind me of these points. I think I will be keeping my head down for a long time where men are concerned because I keep repeating it over and over.
I'm in therapy now and due to recent trauma I'm really getting a grip on why certain things are triggering those deep seated memories so I can be much more aware of it in future.
So creepy about your 'weak spot', I went out with an abuser years ago and he thought himself an amazing assessor of people. He in fact sought out vulnerable women, so very easy to identify and bragged to me that his encyclopedic knowledge of psychology meant that he knows what makes people tick and can get them to do anything.
I was also coming out of a very damaging period of my life and he'd been a good friend for years so he knew all my weaknesses and vulnerabilities and again, it was crazy making because I'd never known him to be cruel or spiteful in the decade or so of our friendship.
Interestingly, he and the recent ex are both Scorpios, when I was online dating I met a couple of people who actually lied on their profiles about their birth dates so that they didn't fall into the scorpio bracket

You shouldn't feel like a twat at all, OP. Things needed to be said and you said them, it got it off your chest. I understand though - I've done this kind of thing before too and did feel like a twat. In my case, the person was never worth the energy. If you've split up and you don't want to get back with him, bollocks to whatever was said, what does it even matter now.

Yes, we like to maintain our dignity but sometimes shit just needs to be said. I don't like the way he disregards how you feel as being 'warped perception' - it's not a good sign of someone nice who loves you, so balls to him, and balls to it.

You'll barely remember any of this old shit once you meet someone else, it will fade out. Things needed to be said and you said them, it's perfectly human.

Thank you @Poodles03 I feel less of a twat now, I still wish I hadn't exposed myself like that to him but it's done.
I'm really bloody annoyed now because I remember an angry ex of his phoning and leaving a long answer message after somme angry text messages and he'd refused to listen to it in front of me. At the time I'd thought it fair enough, it would have been a mood killer plus it wasn't my business but now I know him better I guarantee there'd have been something in her message to enlighten me about what kind of guy he is.
Thanks for your kind words, I'm definitely feeling less angsty today.

This happens when you're gaslighted. I've been through it.
You are always always trying to explain yourself, looking for the right words to explain how you feel, the perfect phrase that might make them understand it.

They never do!! because the truth is it was easy to understand the first time, they just act like they don't, they twist what you said, they lie, they ignore it, they evade it, they blame all of the problems on you, they tell you you misinterpreted this and that, trying to tell you that the behaviour that hurt or traumatised you didn't actually happen or happened in a different way so you shouldn't have been hurt or traumatised and might as well be making up the pain you felt.

They play dumb and act so completely clueless and their responses are so infuriating that you just get stuck explaining, explaining, explaining!!

Can you tell that i've been there? lol

@user1481840227, no it doesn’t show at all
Sorry you’ve been there too. I’m glad to find people who understand how it feels.
I wonder if there’s something intrinsically different inasmuch as some people would just fuck the whole thing off whereas others of us spend all that time cajoling and pretty much begging to be understood?
And what kind of person stands by and let’s their supposed loved one literally make themselves ill in the process.
They must be so cold hearted. I think that’s what can make it confusing, if they act like they are loving and kind etc, the lying and devaluing comes as a massive shock.
Hope you’re ok now?

Interesting post on my ig today.
Not all men I’m sure but I know my experience is not unique by any stretch