DH has changed

[Milo1]

Hi

I have been with my dh for 8 years and we have 2 kids. At the beginning like most relationships it was great but as time goes on I feel like he doesn't care. I don't work full time anymore, as I was made redundant so he constantly reminds me that he is paying for everything and I have to ask for money to do food shopping etc. He also doesn't help round the house, even at weekends he says as he works it is down to me. He stays in bed at w/ends until 10 or 11 when I am up by 7 with the kids.

I have a good social life with lots of friends round here but he doesn't like me being out in the day so much as I don't get things done at home. Consequently we rarely have sex as I feel so resentful, I have told him this is the reason but he just accuses me of not fancying him and seeing other men. He hardly has any time for the kids either, even at weekends he will watch telly, go on the pc rather than play with them unless we it is a weekend when we have his daughter from a previous relationship to stay and then he's quite happy to be out all the time.

What should I do?? I am so fed up that I feel down all the time and can't get the motivation to do anything. At the moment my future just looks like another 40 years of this. I do try, when I was working I often arranged surprises for him like going away for his birthday but he never does anything for me. Help!! Should I just be grateful that he provides everything financially for us??

Milo, no I don't think you should put up and shut up. No time to write more now but may post more later.

milo, www is right, of course you shouldn't put up with this. It sounds miserable and I'm sure your children pick up on how unhappy this is making everyone. the money issue is a tricky one - can't you just get a joint credit or debit card for regular things like food shopping, to avoid the "cap-in-hand" stuff? He just happens to work outside the home - you work at home, and he'd have to pay a bloody good whack for all the stuff you do there (for 'free' so him having a lie-in at weekends is selfish. I can see how it's difficult for you to change any of this though - you'll seem like the bad guy, the one who's rocking the boat. I know we had to 'shift' our roles a bit at home once dd was born - but nothing like this happened. has anyone dealt with this?

its a difucult one milo thats for sure, you shouldnt have to go askig for money thats the first step, perhaps you could suggest you have a lie in one day at the weekend, either this or like me have a complete shit fit about things and dump the kids on the bed whilst he is sleeping and do one off to your friends, dont sit and take it, if you think things are going wrong at least fight for what you think is right, but thats just how i do things.
ive been married since i was 17, things go well, and things go terrible, at the moment things arnt the best. when my kids were babies i did all the house wifey stuff and got no thanks, so i stopped! and decided to go to college, get miself a litte job in a bar ( which he hated!! ha) and left the kids with him, if its so damned easy looking after kids at home let him do it!

Milo1, it sounds like you need to get out of a horrible rut. My initial reaction would be for you to get a job at least part-time. And make sure at least some if not all of the income goes to a cleaner and childcare to free you up for other things. The change in the home dynamic may well be all the kickstart your marriage needs. It sounds like the issues are more than just financial although that may be the surface discussion. From what you've said it sounds like you both are bored and resentful of each other and without changing the dynamic, things will not improve. However, also be prepared that once you change the home routine, you may find that when you "rediscover" each other, that in fact you are no longer suited and have grown apart. I found this with my first husband after "getting out of a rut" and am now much more happily married to my second. Luckily I didn't have children with the first so, although painful, it was a clean split. Sorry if i'm a bit rambly, but the gist of this is that you can't continue like this feeling bad about yourself and your marriage and you have to do something pro-active and I don't think talking is enough.

I agree with all the others - think, talk, talk some more and then act. Life is too short to stay unhappy. Have you told him how you feel? Nothing will change for the better unless you face up to the situation and deal with it head on. The important thing is to think it through carefully beforehand and time it so that you can have a nice calm and rational discussion rather than accusing each other when wound up or tired. I feel really strongly about this one as i really have in a similar place to you.
We were in danger of splitting up around Christmas. I felt that he was dismissive of all I did round the house, only ever commenting when I had not done something. He went to work and then expected to relax in the evenings just the same way as before we had our dd. He felt that he was putting up with the waking up in the night (let me go to her thoug...) and that taking on the extra financial burden with over time etc. was plenty enough. Our sex life was non existent and i was so depressed. After a big bust up we explained how we felt about each other - he said I was moaning and tired all the time with no conversation other than our dd. True - but this was because I really was tired all the time and had no social life other than our dd. We realised that it was really serious and it frightened us that our marriage really was on the rocks.
Pleased to say that talking it through and coming up with some new adjustments to our family roles has changed it all around for the better. DH now does the night shift on Fri and Sats., on Sun morning he takes her to the park so I can do a weekly tidy up and then relax at my sister?s house for coffee. He does the bins before work and does the weekly shopping trip with me rather than me do it on my own. He washes up after the evening meals now while I bath our dd. and there are loads of other stuff we have negotiated like a verbal family contract! It sounds a bit petty to actually plan out who does what but as my dh readily admits - he is lousy at taking the initiative and I am lousy at delegating. It works a treat and we are so much happier. I do the night shifts from midnight to the morning in the week but he does the evening shifts. It works for us and I am so gald that I sat him down and talked it all through before we grew too resentful and too far apart to do anything about it. Please think it through and then getting talking to each other. Life is too short to be miserable when it could all be so different with a little bit of communication and sharing out those responsibilities. You don?t have to delegate quite so literally as we have done, just knowing how each other feels and caring enough to want to change is a big start.
Hope this rambling isn?t seen as too patronising - I haven?t explained it very well but hope that it helps a little. Good Luck

Hi Milo, Jaytree's ideas sound good (and not in the least bit patronsing imo Jaytree).

The balance of power is a strange and sometimes difficult thing when you're a SAHM. Your DH may be working outside the home and bringing in cash but you are working too, and working hard by the sound of it. I agree, you need to think about what is wrong, what you want to change and then you need to talk to him.

IMO, the work you do is just as important as the work he does and he would soon find out how much you do if you weren't doing it. Equally, he would be very shocked at how much he would have to pay someone to carry out all the tasks you currently cover. So, IMO you are both working, they are your joint children and therefore they are not your sole responsibility. He should pull his weight in the house and with childcare. I agree that you need a lie in too sometimes and a break sometimes. And no wonder you are too tired for sex and don't particularly fancy him: I don't blame you in these circumstances. There was some survey somewhere (yeah I know, surveys schmerveys but this one makes sense to me) showing that men who pull their weight in the house and with childcare are generally having more frequent and better sex (than men who don't) and this seems completely obvious to me! I've told my dp that I really fancy him when I see him being a sweetie with my ds (from previous marriage) or cooking for us - he seems so kind and sensitive and therefore desirable to me.

I also think life is too short to go on being unhappy and that you do need to resolve this. And you are not his slave so IMO he is being very unreasonable asking you not to go out during the day because you don't get the cleaning/shopping/cooking done! Outrageous! Anyway, however you tackle it, good luck.

And I must find that survey since I have now mentioned it several times!

Sofiaames

I don't agree with you about getting a part time job. I have had to work in the evenings since my twins were 1 year old and ds 3 years old.
Last year when the twins went to school we decided that I should go back to work in the day so that evenings could be family time as our relationship was non existent, he came in I went out the door.
He promised that he would help more once I started four school hours a day, but its a joke, you get used to the extra money, I would begrudge paying someone nearly as much per hour as I earn to clean and iron and I just rush around at work all day and then come home and start all again, and quite often get depressed because the house is a tip and I can never get on top of it all.

Sorry to rant off but I don't think this is the answer to the problem, not in my experience anyway

i agree with custardo if its so easy looking after the kids let him do it, arrange to go away for the weekend with your friends so he has to take the kids to their social events and just live with them plus do the shopping, cooking, cleaning getting them to bed etc... I know all about this I do everything and have from day one of having dd, I am going back to work as I am the main bread winner and am having to pay for childcare as well as deciding to get a cleaner once a week to which dh said we didn't need one(he already has one me!!) I have learnt just to go ahead and do what I want as dh's will always disagree. Make them do what we do and then sit down and talk as they may get a grip at what the problem is. As for doing things for them and then they never doing anything for us thats just that women are more considerate. I always organise our holidays (he never wants to go on them until we are there) I sort out the presents for Christmas's and birthdays and the treats for him when he is feeling down, what do I get in return, nothing. I do think we women make our beds a little but Milo 1 give him your jobs for a long weekend, talk and then see if he appreciates you. How can you fancy a man who takes you for granted?

My dh told me after me having countless sleepless nights that he was tired one morning and was going back to bed, I told him it should be me who was catching up on some sleep and he told me that was my fault that I was tired? why because I was doing all the day and night duties with our dd? So Milo1 you are not alone.

Agree with many of these wise posts. Jaytree, what a great idea, we'll have to try it, as in similar situation. Feel better for reading these.

I am also in this position at the moment. I wanted to stay at home with my ds in the first few years (he's 26 months) and it's been good except that I get lumbered with the responsibility of caring for him ALL the time and there seems to be this underlying idea that because dh earns the money, he is the one who should be 'in control' of all the spending. He has a busy corporate job and travels quite a bit, which means that he doesn't have a huge amount of time left over to spend with ds & I. We had a huge row yesterday because he has an opportunity to go to the United States for a conference (he doesn't have to go, he wants to go) and he told me he would like to have a few extra days over there after the conference. I felt annoyed about this because I never get to go away by myself the way he does (and I always end up taking care of ds on my own), so I said I would arrange to go and visit a friend in another city for a few days while he was gone & perhaps my parents could take care of ds. His answer to this was "and where is the money going to come from?" (to pay for my trip). If HE wants to spend money then it's a totally different story. I feel so resentful towards him and when he tries to get intimate with me I just have no interest. I've told him how I feel several times, but he sounds so similar to the other men on this thread. I'm now considering getting a part-time job but I'll probably just end up with more responsibility.

Hi Shattered, are you still there? What are you doing up at this time of the day? Are you a night owl or are you on the other side of the world like me?

I understand what you are saying, and what everyone else here is saying - my DH was so great around the house when we were both working but now I am a SAHM he doesn't seem to want to help much at all. I am lucky enough to be in control of our finances - I had to take charge when DH got us into horrendous debt 18 months ago, but the problem with that is that he is always moaning about not being able to spend money. He used to be lovely and buy me things like flowers etc but now he says that he can't because I hold the purse strings. He even didn't buy me a birthday present this year because he said that I would know how much it cost. When we go out (not often) he gives the bill to me and makes a sarky comment about the woman paying. He has a card and cheque book and I say that it is 'our' money, not his or mine but he still hates not being in control of it.
I understand the resentment of going away - DH went on cricket tour for two weeks when DS was only 10 weeks old and doesn't understand how I would love to have some time to myself too. I have always found it hard that my life has changed beyond recognition but DH still plays his beloved Cricket and goes out most Saturday nights after a game. Even out of season he will go out on Saturdays and when I say I want to go out he says that we can't afford a baby sitter! The suggestion that he comes home and I go out usually goes down like a lead balloon.

Hi Milo,
Sorry to hear of your problems but I think most Dhs are the same in a lot of ways.They seem to think that being a sahm is easy.I now go to work part time and dont finish till 5pm after which I have to go home and do the tea, throw in some washing tidy up etc whilst he lies on the couch saying how knackered he is,If i say I've been working all day too he just says you only work part time you get a lie in (he is up for work at 5am)but he never hears the baby if he cries in the night!!by the way my lie-in is 7am!!
Well I've got an interview today for an evening job so dh will have too look after ds on his own from 5pm if i get the job.Do you think he will cope? not likely, he'll moan about every little thing .
Sorry but I just needed a little rant.

Ghosty I'm on the other side of the world - don't worry I wouldn't normally be up at 4.00 am!! I'm sorry that you're going through the same thing, you too Leander and everyone else... it's a really vile situation. I watched a news programme the other night which said that married men are happier and healthier than single men (presumably because they're having all their needs met), but married women are unhappier than single women - basically because they're doing more housework, have less freedom and go out a lot less than single women. So we know who's getting the best deal don't we?!!! Bloody married men. It looks as though it's a worldwide problem, but it just seems so unfair.

I agree, shattered, it's bloody unfair. I really feel for you.

Ladies

Are we all condsidered to be that bad?

I admit that I'm not the perfect father/husband but I try my best to be. I share as much of the work load with DW as is possible and (unlike a lot of the men discussed here) have even offered to look after DD while DW goes away for a weekend to see friends and relax.

Am I really in such a small minority?

SimonHoward

From what I've read and what I have at home it seems like you are!!!!!!!!!!!!

kkgirl

You have no idea how sad that makes me.

It does not take much to be polite and friendly even if there are some problems that need to be worked out. And to actually sit down and sort them out without getting violent or abusive or just storming off.

I'm truly ashamed at times by the behaviour of what seem to be the majority of men.

SimonHoward - having read your comment I am lead to think that your DW is a very lucky lady!!

Do you have a spare twin brother by any chance???

OK, have to say here that my ex DH and my DP both wash, cook, clean, look after ds etc and give me a break as often as I give them one (ex would probably say that isn't very often in his case!) Dp doesn't have a brother but ex-DH is still single. Slightly used but very nice So IME, no not all men are like this.

SimonHoward - you sound like you should be rented out, yes you are a one in a kind and dw is indeed a lucky women if only there were more like you around!!

Men like you are few and far between. Wish I had one.

Have to stick up for men here. DH does have his faults, but he is brilliant with dd, first two weeks out of hospital he did all the night feeds with ebm so that I could get some sleep to recover from horrid last trimester and birth. And he always does the 10pm feed, and cooks dinner 3 or 4 nights (well he heats up meals I have made and frozen) His only real fault on the domestic front is a complete inability to recognise or use a washing machine!

Must admit that my DH is very good with our DS - despite many other faults ! (I wonder what our DHs would say our faults were!). Like Shattered's DH he does work incredible hours & often travels away but when he is here he is really hands on with our DS and gives me plenty of breaks, always supportive about me have evenings out etc no problems with paying for babysitters (easy when you earn a good salary though). Always does the gardening, car stuff etc & pays someone to do the maintenance, decorating etc ( a lousy handyman!!) - not particularly interested in housework, in fact he would love to cook more but as I don't like his cooking I don't want him to!!

Not wanting to sound contraversial but he wanted a child FAR more than I did, I was very happily 'child free' for 13 years of marriage & it was very much his wish & persuasiveness (SP?) that changed my mind. I wonder if this has any input?

I think there are plenty of Simon Howard clones out there! My DH has always been hands on with the children and the house. He's less fussy about the home now, but then so am I. He takes full charge of the laundry and dirty dishes and he cooks a lot of the time, as well as putting DD to bed every night. (Actually putting this in the present tense is unfair - we have household staff out here in Indonesia, so we do s*d all now.)

My DB's and BIL's all pitch in at home and so do plenty of my friends DH's. Having said that, I do know other women who do everything and it's a matter of astonishment to me that they don't batter their DH's to death with a greasy frying pan.

Perhaps I just lucked out. I came home from a C/section in May and didn't get so much as a bowl of cornflakes. No laundry help, no cleaning, no childcare etc, boring etc. While I was in hospital, friends looked after DS1. DH used this free childcare time to catch up on extra paid work and see his friends rather than visit me in hospital. When my best friend found out about this she gave him a bill.