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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH has changed

47 replies

Milo1 · 11/09/2002 15:36

I have been with my dh for 8 years and we have 2 kids. At the beginning like most relationships it was great but as time goes on I feel like he doesn't care. I don't work full time anymore, as I was made redundant so he constantly reminds me that he is paying for everything and I have to ask for money to do food shopping etc. He also doesn't help round the house, even at weekends he says as he works it is down to me. He stays in bed at w/ends until 10 or 11 when I am up by 7 with the kids.

I have a good social life with lots of friends round here but he doesn't like me being out in the day so much as I don't get things done at home. Consequently we rarely have sex as I feel so resentful, I have told him this is the reason but he just accuses me of not fancying him and seeing other men. He hardly has any time for the kids either, even at weekends he will watch telly, go on the pc rather than play with them unless we it is a weekend when we have his daughter from a previous relationship to stay and then he's quite happy to be out all the time.

What should I do?? I am so fed up that I feel down all the time and can't get the motivation to do anything. At the moment my future just looks like another 40 years of this. I do try, when I was working I often arranged surprises for him like going away for his birthday but he never does anything for me. Help!! Should I just be grateful that he provides everything financially for us??

OP posts:

SimonHoward · 20/09/2002 11:17

Droile

Serves him right, and I hope he paid it.

Ellasmum

I have 2 brothers, neither of which I would wish on anyone. They are both nice guys in some ways but one is a workaholic and the other is a congenital liar.

Calcium

I'll ask DW about the renting out bit but the problem is with the rates she will want to charge will anyone be able to afford me?

ionesmum · 20/09/2002 11:38

I have been so lucky with dh. He is very hands on with dd esp. in the early days when I was quite poorly, when I had mastisis I went to bed for two days and dh did everything. Now I do most things for dd and dh does the lion's share of the housework. The only thing he doesn't do is cook. He's always offering to look after dd for the day and has no problem if I want to go out. There's nothing 'new man' about him at all - I mean, he grew up in Romford and reads 'The Sun'! Perhaps it helps that he works from home a lot and so sees that babies are actually hard work!

BTW in the first days after my c-section dh even changed my sanitary towels for me as I was in too much pain to. Quite a man.

Clarinet60 · 20/09/2002 11:56

Ionesmum, I am sick with envy. I am a bitter, contorted piece of jealous putty.

Simonhoward, I'll pay anything. I have money.

(only joking)

sobernow · 20/09/2002 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SimonHoward · 20/09/2002 13:30

Sobernow

If only that were the case. If it was then the rest of the family including me would still be speaking to him.

Droile

Which were you joking about, the having the money or the renting (not that I want to get a reputation for being a rent boy)

Clarinet60 · 20/09/2002 15:27

Simonhoward - the money.

calcium · 20/09/2002 18:47

simonhoward - run while you can ha ha ....

Clarinet60 · 20/09/2002 19:35

I'm not that bad ........

ionesmum · 20/09/2002 22:58

Oh, sobernow!

My dh does have his faults. Apart from reading 'The Sun', he plays far too much cricket, turns over Cbeebies to Attheraces, and laughs at 'Porridge'.

kkgirl · 21/09/2002 08:45

OK I'll admit it my DH isn't too bad really. He is good with the children, gets cross with them a bit too much, but we are in a very stressful situation, both work, elderly parents who don't live quite close enough for us to pop in, but close enough for us to spend our weekends trying to support them with the result that we don't have a lot of time together and as a result we have grown apart.
Things got quite bad in July and I threatened to leave him on his birthday and for once it wasn't an idle threat, I meant it. He realised this and tried really hard for a while and things have been better but I still feel I shoulder a lot more responsibility than him and worse of all I feel lonely. We never have the time or energy to talk properly and if I didn't have support from friends and work colleagues I think I would crack.

Anyway didn't mean this to be a long ramble, just admitting DH is OK really, was joking a bit Simon Howard

Clarinet60 · 21/09/2002 10:34

My DH is good with the children. I must admit that. I suppose.

Rhubarb · 23/09/2002 11:29

I shouldn't bring this up really, but someone suggested in the 'boring baby' thread that my house is a sexist one. I want to stick up for my dh now and say that he is brilliant! When she was newborn I did most of the caring I admit, I was breastfeeding which he cannot help with, and also he was driving up to 30-40 miles to work operating potentially dangerous machinery, so when she woke at night, I would see to her. But if he woke he would help me out, change nappies, walk up and down the room with her. He would take over in the evenings, still does. He encourages me to go out every weekend to socialise whilst he looks after dd, and I do the same for him.

He does his fair share of the housework. I never touch his laundry, he does his own and will often ask if I need anything washing too. If I cook he will wash up and vice versa. We make time to spend alone together in the evenings. He is full of compliments, never loses his temper and never puts me down for being a full-time mum. Money is never an issue with him, he sees it as none of his business if I want to buy clothes or go out in the evenings, he sees that I am as entitled to that money as he is.

He is truly wonderful and my best friend in many respects (apart from Custardo whom I shall soon marry!). So have I stuck up for him enough? I'm sorry for those whose dh's do not give them the respect they deserve. Just shows that feminism still has a long way to go before we are considered truly equal. SimonHoward, by your posts I presume you and my dh have a lot in common, though you seem more romantic than mine is! I hope there are many more of you out there!

SimonHoward · 23/09/2002 12:42

Rhubarb

Romantic is the last thing most people would accuse me of being.

Direct, blunt and organised are usually the ways people describe me.

So maybe I'm alot more like your DH than you think.

Toots · 23/09/2002 19:49

I'm spitting mad for all those of you with problems in this area. DP is a nappy changing; food buying; grass cutting; hoovering; meal cooking all round fab guy, and so he bloody should be. But when he gets up from our table and leaves his plate for the waiter, or do I mean me, to take to the sink I could stove his head in with a blunt instrument. I'm evil aren't I?

helenmc · 23/09/2002 21:27

It took my mum 40 years to train my dad to take his plate into the kitchen!!!
MY dh is pretty darn good when he is at home ...just never seems to be home long enough

Ailsa · 23/09/2002 22:30

Acording to my MIL, FIL didn't lift a finger, (except when it was time for a ciggy) until he retired. So she expects me and SIL to wait just as long.

I have told dh that I AM NOT HIS MOTHER. If that is what he wanted he should have married my sister!!

Toots · 24/09/2002 11:45

Vot Ailsa, your sister iz your mudder? Step onto my couch wid your entire family! Just reading my post again from last night and realise I sound deranged, but Helenmc, 40 years is too long - I'll run out of plates.

jodee · 24/09/2002 13:15

We have a very obliging 2 year old who can't wait to grab the plates when we have finished eating to take them out to the kitchen (bless!)

Rhubarb · 24/09/2002 14:30

Dh takes my plate for me - I have got up from the table before now and left it there for him! Likewise with cups of tea, I sometimes remember to take the empty cup back into the kitchen where he is washing up, but more often than not he comes into the living room to collect it! Well if I've done all the cooking, I see plate collecting as part of washing up!

I will never understand though, those who wash and iron for their dh/dps!

Clarinet60 · 24/09/2002 15:24

Quite right Rhubarb.
Although I have to wash for my dh, otherwise I wouldn't be able to get near him and he'd be a walking health hazard (he's a farmer). If i leave it for eons he'll finally and huffily shove a load in the washer. I've tried not ironing, but he doesn't care what he looks like and it used to embarrass me when we went out (heady days, before ds2). In my next life, I'm going to make my prospective partner fill out a questionnaire on these matters and sign a legally binding document about household tasks.

susanb · 30/09/2002 21:03

I've realised just how lucky I am after reading some of the other posts!! I work flexible part time and partner works shifts (as a fireman) so when I'm at work he's always at home and does all the cleaning/cooking/taking the dog out and of course most importantly doing things with our little boy!!

He also really encourages me to go out with the girls and let my hair down regularly and on the nights I do go out he gets up with ds the next morning so I can have a lie in.

However I have to say that I do exactly the same for him so I guess it works because everything is shared out equally and we both let each other have their own space.

leander · 30/09/2002 22:02

susanb what a lucky girl you are, he does all that AND he's a fireman mmmmmm..........

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