Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Repeated strange situation with a friend

53 replies

LockdownBoredom · 29/04/2020 19:28

Hi all,

Looking for some sane advice as I'm all a bit close to this.

A year ago, someone new started at work and we hit it straight off. We've got similar personalities (both good and bad) and do the same hobbies. We started hanging out and doing said hobbies together. It progressed to texting daily and she started inviting me out to dinners.

I wasn't really sure of the signals, so I took it all as friendship. One day, she just started blanking me. Any replies to messages were one word, that's if she bothered to reply at all. Rather than ask what was wrong I sort of suffered in silence. Work was uncomfortable, but at that point we didn't really have much contact on projects, so it was manageable.

We did start speaking again 3 months later. I didn't really ask why she pulled back like she did as I was worried about scaring her off again. She mentioned that she felt she gave me the wrong idea. I denied this and told her I was in a relationship and hadn't taken our contact as potentially romantic. I panicked I guess and wanted her friendship again, so wanted to present a platonic front.

She added me to facebook, strava and other social media and things seemed OK for a while but then the ignoring started again. I did try and speak to her but that didn't go well. She said she was ignoring me because I'd crossed lines because I gave her (and a couple of others) some left over cake. Out of work it got petty and she refused to interact with any social media post I was tagged in etc. In work it got a bit unprofessional too as she wouldn't answer work emails regarding projects, she started cancelling meetings with no explanation and at one point pulled herself off a project she was central to with no notification. I only discovered she was gone a month later when a replacement was found. There was no communication or handover and due to the ignoring, I didn't question her actions. She also unfriended me from all social media.

I didn't question any of her actions, but I did make inroads into speaking again. Over the past 4 months we've had to work on many projects and things seemed to be going well. We get on really well sometimes, but then she seems to pull back and doesn't answer work emails or texts again. I've gotten to the point where I ignore it all and act normally - I still haven't mentioned being removed from social media - which is still weird to me as we have 40+ mutual work and social friends on there.

We're going through a period where she's mostly ignoring me again and I'm finding it all emotionally draining. In video meetings things are OK, but she doesn't reply to emails, or she sends replies at 6 on a Friday so I don't have a chance to email back. I can't cut all contact due to work and shared social / activity circles, and if I'm honest, I do still like her.

Should I approach her and ask her why she keeps doing this, and why the deletion from social media (I took this as a sign of her trying to get my attention, even if in a negative way).

I know this all sounds incredibly immature but we're both in our 30's, and it's really stressing me out. I'd rather we confront what's going on, or at least be open and agree to be professional and not friends.

Could she have liked me, but because I didn't make a move, she pulled back? Then when I mentioned I was in a relationship, got angry, which is the cause of these repeated cycles?

I guess my fear is, if I open up and ask her why, it's just going to make things even more uncomfortable (if that's possible).

Please be gentle! Smile

OP posts:
GinandGingerBeer · 29/04/2020 19:41

Why do you keep going back for more? Sad
Honestly just call it a day. Life really is too short for this. I'm not sure from your post if you do feel romantically towards her,maybe you don't know yourself but honestly nobody would treat me like this. They'd not get chance!
Move on. Delete her from everything and just keep a professional relationship at work.

something2say · 29/04/2020 19:49

Yes, give it all right back to her. Shes weird and needs avoiding.

Original poster
LockdownBoredom · 29/04/2020 19:50

It sounds stupid, but suddenly being ignored when things seemed to be going so well was like a hook. If we'd mutually agreed nothing romantic would happen, that would have been ok. But to have a rug pulled from under me, so to speak, led to months of agonising over what I'd done wrong.

I guess still feel romantically towards her, which is why I keep stupidly going back for more. Even if I ignored her, I'd still see her at shared activity events outside of work etc.

OP posts:
rottiemum88 · 29/04/2020 19:51

Not sure why you want this woman's friendship so badly you're willing to be treated this way? Nor what there is to like about her when she behaves towards you as she does? Confused Drag your self respect out of the gutter, deal with her in a courteous and respectful manner when you absolutely have to, but otherwise avoid her. I would have thought that was quite obvious...

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2020 19:54

Jesus, she sounds unhinged. Stop adding fuel to her fire. Aside from being cordial for work, act like she doesn't exist. Aren't you tired of being fucked about so many times?

TofutiKline · 29/04/2020 19:54

Are you a bloke or a woman ?

reefedsail · 29/04/2020 19:58

Sounds like games.

If you want to stay in the relationship you are already in, you have to cut it dead. If you want to be with her, you need to end your current relationship first. Then prepare for a roller-coaster.

Original poster
LockdownBoredom · 29/04/2020 19:58

As motioned above, when the crappy stuff isn't happening, we really do seem to connect.

I'm a bloke and I have no rational explanation as to why I'm sucking it up. Intellectually, I totally see the mess for what it is, but emotionally it is like a drug - I like her a lot, perhaps more than I've liked anyone for years.

OP posts:
DoctorManhattan · 29/04/2020 19:58

At the very least, she is stubborn, rude, unprofessional, childish and weird.

There are plenty of friendly and mature (acting!) females out there.

Are you a glutton for punishment or why do you keep returning to this when you already know what her pattern of behaviour is like? Why also did you not just call her out after the second time and ask why she behaves like such a child?

Original poster
LockdownBoredom · 29/04/2020 20:02

@DoctorManhattan I guess because I'm deluding myself that I can break through this crappy behaviour and get to the good parts of her that I've seen beneath. Something I haven't mentioned is that she acts super friendly to everyone, literally everyone thinks she's lovely. She only acts this way to me. The few people I've confided in have been shocked when I've detailed her actions.

OP posts:
famousforwrongreason · 29/04/2020 20:06

So are you in a relationship with someone else or not?

Original poster
LockdownBoredom · 29/04/2020 20:07

I'm not in a relationship now - but she doesn't know that.

OP posts:
volatility · 29/04/2020 20:09

She’s a bully and she has issues. You are never going to figure it out. I say this as somebody who has been through this exact same situation. She’s behaving badly and gets off on it. Stop caring, stop trying. Be professional and that’s it

volatility · 29/04/2020 20:09

Oh and if you left the workplace she’d find some other victim

Original poster
LockdownBoredom · 29/04/2020 20:16

@volatility You're right - but it's really crappy to have such emotional attachment to someone like this. Also, seeing how they are with everyone else, and knowing how we were before it went bad, keeps me hooked. She's the kind of person who does go out of her way to buy people gifts to make them feel better and is very huggy (to everyone else) etc. It's just so confusing.

OP posts:
Original poster
LockdownBoredom · 29/04/2020 20:18

I also think I could get closure if I laid it all out to her - but again, this might just be me deluding myself and looking for a positive reaction.

OP posts:
Nearlyalmost50 · 29/04/2020 20:34

Don't approach her, don't confess all and just leave it. She does not want to be in a relationship or be your friend, and that's happened twice. You really need to just be professional and move on. She is not interested, and no closure will occur. She might report you though if you continue to pester her in or out of work.

Sorry, but this is a non starter and basically you have to get over your crush on your own and move on.

Imboredinthehouse · 29/04/2020 20:34

I also think I could get closure if I laid it all out to her

You would just give her more to hurt you with. Move on. You’ve had a lucky escape not getting romantically involved with her. If she could behave this way to a friend/colleague imagine what she would do to a lover.

Fluffycloudland77 · 29/04/2020 20:37

Seriously walk away. She sounds an utter nightmare.

She’s not going to change. People don’t.

Original poster
LockdownBoredom · 29/04/2020 20:47

@Nearlyalmost50 There's no pestering going on. She occasionally reaches out, we chat, then it goes like this again.

I guess I'd like to understand why I'm being singled out and treated this way, especially as it goes against how she acts to everyone else. If there had been inappropriateness, or something bad had happened, I could understand it.

Also, not responding won't really work. I manage a team, and if I didn't chase her for responses on some projects, things wouldn't get completed and it would escalate higher. So even if I act totally professional, I'd still have to deal with the ignoring and not answering emails etc.

OP posts:
Nearlyalmost50 · 29/04/2020 20:48

I am not quite sure this woman has done anything very wrong. You became friends, you hung out a lot, she then backed off because she didn't want to give you the wrong idea relationship wise, and deleted you off social media. She doesn't engage in social chit chat and only replies to work stuff in a very short manner, sometimes hardly engaged at all.

You want to reopen the conversation, get back on her social media, talk and have closure, you think she might have been upset you didn't declare yourself...

I don't know who is pestering who here, but she's made it clear- she's not your friend and is only a distant colleague, take the hint!

HavenDilemma · 29/04/2020 20:49

The only reason you have feelings for her is because she keeps doing this. It's that old 'wanting what you can't have' and in her case, she's 'only available for a limited time!' In other words she's intermittently playing a very strong game of hard to get.
You'd soon be bored if she stopped the game playing, trust me. Plus this nonsense shows how immature she is.

Krazynights34 · 29/04/2020 20:50

Did you post about this before?

Original poster
LockdownBoredom · 29/04/2020 20:55

@Nearlyalmost50 We weren't connected on social media when we hung out together. At that time, I didn't want to mix work and friendships. After the first bit of ignoring, she added me to social media and I accepted as I figured it would be a step towards friendship again. With no real explanation, she deleted me from it all again. That was last September, and we started speaking around Jan again. I haven't tried to add her back.

As mentioned in the OP we're in various social groups together, and at points where we have been talking, she's asked me to run events etc. If it was straight up ignore all the way, that would be a message. But it's just been this repeated contact and confusion.

OP posts:
Original poster
LockdownBoredom · 29/04/2020 20:56

This is the first time I've posted about this.

@HavenDilemma I think you're right tbh.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread