Repeated strange situation with a friend

[LockdownBoredom]

Hi all,

Looking for some sane advice as I'm all a bit close to this.

A year ago, someone new started at work and we hit it straight off. We've got similar personalities (both good and bad) and do the same hobbies. We started hanging out and doing said hobbies together. It progressed to texting daily and she started inviting me out to dinners.

I wasn't really sure of the signals, so I took it all as friendship. One day, she just started blanking me. Any replies to messages were one word, that's if she bothered to reply at all. Rather than ask what was wrong I sort of suffered in silence. Work was uncomfortable, but at that point we didn't really have much contact on projects, so it was manageable.

We did start speaking again 3 months later. I didn't really ask why she pulled back like she did as I was worried about scaring her off again. She mentioned that she felt she gave me the wrong idea. I denied this and told her I was in a relationship and hadn't taken our contact as potentially romantic. I panicked I guess and wanted her friendship again, so wanted to present a platonic front.

She added me to facebook, strava and other social media and things seemed OK for a while but then the ignoring started again. I did try and speak to her but that didn't go well. She said she was ignoring me because I'd crossed lines because I gave her (and a couple of others) some left over cake. Out of work it got petty and she refused to interact with any social media post I was tagged in etc. In work it got a bit unprofessional too as she wouldn't answer work emails regarding projects, she started cancelling meetings with no explanation and at one point pulled herself off a project she was central to with no notification. I only discovered she was gone a month later when a replacement was found. There was no communication or handover and due to the ignoring, I didn't question her actions. She also unfriended me from all social media.

I didn't question any of her actions, but I did make inroads into speaking again. Over the past 4 months we've had to work on many projects and things seemed to be going well. We get on really well sometimes, but then she seems to pull back and doesn't answer work emails or texts again. I've gotten to the point where I ignore it all and act normally - I still haven't mentioned being removed from social media - which is still weird to me as we have 40+ mutual work and social friends on there.

We're going through a period where she's mostly ignoring me again and I'm finding it all emotionally draining. In video meetings things are OK, but she doesn't reply to emails, or she sends replies at 6 on a Friday so I don't have a chance to email back. I can't cut all contact due to work and shared social / activity circles, and if I'm honest, I do still like her.

Should I approach her and ask her why she keeps doing this, and why the deletion from social media (I took this as a sign of her trying to get my attention, even if in a negative way).

I know this all sounds incredibly immature but we're both in our 30's, and it's really stressing me out. I'd rather we confront what's going on, or at least be open and agree to be professional and not friends.

Could she have liked me, but because I didn't make a move, she pulled back? Then when I mentioned I was in a relationship, got angry, which is the cause of these repeated cycles?

I guess my fear is, if I open up and ask her why, it's just going to make things even more uncomfortable (if that's possible).

Please be gentle!

make sure your manager knows whats going on. This situation will bite you at some point in the future and you need to cover yourself.

You're not attached to her you're attached to the high you get when she finally pays you attention.

You're right, you are on the hook. And I guess you still want to be on it from your responses.

I expect if you ignore her for a while she will eventually come forward and your heart will sing and you will feel like the chosen one and so special.

Interesting that you see her behaviour as something you can break through and therefore 'win'.

Socially - I would ignore. Some people love attention. It sounds like she has a crush on you so is over-invested in everything you do look for signals that you feel the same way.

Professionally - I would not accept it and call her out on it. Send her an email and if she doesn't reply, forward the email and ask her has she received it but copy your boss into it too.

Do not be friends with this woman!

Just stick strictly to work only!

Think of her in the same way you would of another colleague who you didn't know too well so be polite even professionally friendly but no "banter" or extra bonding type conversation or Interaction outside of the minimum needed to complete work and consciously only if you need to contact her i.e. No extra unnecessary emails etc.

I'm not so sure she's the bad guy here. From what I see, you got on well, went out for dinners etc. Giving a clear impression that you were interested. Someone likely told her you are in a relationship, at which point she lost respect for you and pulled back, thinking you're a sleazebag to her and your GF for having meals out with her. Then you confirmed this by telling her you were in a relationship.
You have a connection, so get on well but when things go too well, she does the decent thing and pulls away as she thinks you are still seeing someone, which still makes you a sleazebag in her eyes.
Maybe drop it in that you are now single, or get someone else to inform her and hope that she can forgive the leading on at the start whilst you were with someone else. She may have high moral standards, in which case, good on her.

Sounds like she likes you and is backing off to prevent anything happening/getting too close especially as you had told her you were seeing someone. Also sounds like you hit it off in the beginning but you never made a move so she got fed up and decided to back away. Given how much you care about her and the ignoring situation why not just ask her out? Why didn't you ask her out to begin with?

I think you need to take the hint and leave her alone. From your telling either you are accidentally making her feel very uncomfortable or she blows hot and cold all the time. Either way, my advice would be to be polite and professional but nothing more.

She's just not that into you, sorry!

Either you are over the top with her and it embarrasses her, and then she thinks you've calmed down and drops her guard until you harass her again...or she likes the attention and playing games. Its human nature to question what is going on, and it can also be human nature to be interested in someone that blows hot and cold- it keeps people on their toes and creates excitement and drama so the lows seem lower and the highs higher.

This type of dynamic does not make for a good or stable long term relationship.

I don't think there is any point in asking her why she is behaving like this. To be honest adding and then deleting you a few times on facebook is just childish game playing behaviour. Not replying to work emails is also childish (unless you are using it as a way of trying to engage in non work related chat).

I think you know all this already but you're kind of drawn in by the drama of it all. My advice is to take a step back. Dont bother asking her, she is not going to come out and say that playing games with people and screwing with their head makes her feel good l, she is going to deny or minimise her behaviour, say she doesnt know what you're on about, and if you bring up specific examples she will make an excuse eg didnt reply because she was busy. If there was a chat to be had, she would have had it.

Stop with any non work related contact. If she friend requests you then ignore it. Change the place you do your hobby - it sounds like you used to do it separately before she started at your work anyway. If she doesnt respond to a work related thing then pull her up on it over email and save the email, keep it factual and light eg ' hi x, I've noticed the last 3 times I've asked you to do x thing you've not responded til after my deadline. You cancelled the last couple of meetings where I wanted to discuss it. It would really help if you could prioritise this going forward, or let me know if there are any issues with the request. Thanks'. Follow it up if it happens again. Keep evidence of the stuff she hasn't done. If I was you I would seriously want to cover my back, she sounds like a massive game player to me (buying new colleagues presents to cheer them up and the say she treats you). If the shit hits the fan at any point in the future and she wants to blame you for harassing her or something you wont have a leg to stand on if you come back with 'well I was wanting to meet to discuss the fact that she has not done xyz at work, no I didnt tell any one and no I didnt address this formally at all, and yes I changed my hobby to see her out of work even though she clearly doesn't want to speak to me' etc etc. Obviously there is only a small chance of things turning nasty but it's best to be able to demonstrate that you have been, at least from now on, purely professional towards her

I would be very very wary of this woman. I can imagine her making a complaint about you (whether it's grounded or not.) Some people, too, are lovely with other people and all the while they are looking for the effect it's having on the person they are purposefully ignoring.

I’d be interested to find out where she was before she joined your group/crowd/work.

People like that normally leave a trail of victims behind them.

I’d avoid her anyway as you’ve only got more of the same to look forward to.

Sounds to me like she only wants you when shes bored.

I second going to your boss and just putting it out there.She sounds just the type to go and invent a grievence.Plus you only have to read half the answers on here to see you are automatically in the wrong.Cause you are a bloke.

Be polite in work and just block her everywhere else.You dont need the hassle.

I would personally say that you don’t understand what her issue is, that you are friendly with everyone and have always been professional, but this behaviour is ridiculous. I would advise her to do the job she is paid to do or you will go above her and report her. I would follow through with this if needs be, before it affects your work and you get in trouble. I would then leave it at that and focus on finding someone nice that wants to behave like a normal, rational human being. If she is like this already, she would drain the life out of you in a relationship. Good luck x

Even if she returned this thing you've got going on, she's telling you loud and clear how she deals with her emotions. She's immature and I guarantee would be an utter nightmare in an actual relationship.

She's unprofessional, passive aggressive and needs to be given a swerve as much as possible.

Eh?

You've clearly been giving her mixed messages. Can you just admit to yourself that you get off on the attention? Especially with it all taking place at work. 5 days a week getting a buzz off all the drama. Plus because it's at work you have a solid excuse to keep contacting her.

In all honesty you have probably been really creepy and she wants nothing more to do with you.

Both of you are weird. Similar people gravitate towards each other.

If she is like this now, imagine what she would be like if you got in a relationship! Sounds very high maintenance to me unless she is just embarrassed that she likes you but thinks you are unavailable

So it sounds like you inadvertently led her on, announced you were in a relationship and expected everything to be dandy.

She backed off. She's done nothing wrong.

She sounds to me like she's trying to make you do the pick me dance. Using the old treat them mean and keep them keen crap.
Ignore ignore ignore. Just keep it all preffesional and if she is ignorinf work emails, start ccing in somone else (manager) with all requests and questions about work so you can show you are asking and requestng as you should ans she is being unprofessional.

Whoops sorry for the typos.

Today 22:30 Susanna85

So it sounds like you inadvertently led her on, announced you were in a relationship and expected everything to be dandy.

She backed off. She's done nothing wrong.*

This ^^
I can’t understand all the posters making her out to be unhinges. She was interested in a guy, went on some dates, he then told her he was in a relationship and she backed off.
For whatever reason she is still keen so came back tentatively, probably against her Better judgement and has me (rightly) backed off again.
Her behaviour makes a lot of sense op, whereas yours doesn’t.

I think she's either toying with you or is confused about the seemingly mixed signals you're giving her ?

She was trying to get your attention by deleting you from things imo - but you didn't react. In fact it seems you didn't react at all to anything she did.

I think you both need to learn how to communicate but in the meantime, I'd personally leave her be. Too many games.
Work stuff, fine, but keep it professional.

Think I missed the paragraph about the cake and letting it affect her work - it's a long post.
I'd say, you really might be more alike than even you think, more in that you both clearly like each other, but are both afraid to admit it to each other, because you are as bad as each other at communicating and reading each others signals.
Did she know you gave others cake too? Her reaction, while imature, could of been about wishing the cake was meaning something, only to find everyone got some, so not special. Maybe you being nice all round is annoying to her as she's been hoping for more too.
You should find a way to discuss and sort this out in a mature way, at the moment, you are both acting a bit daft. I'd guess she's trying to fight her feelings as you told her that you just wanted to be friends - which was not really true. There is a conflict between how you feel, and what you have said. I bet you could of avoided all this by being honest with how you felt from the start instead of docking around.

Dicking around