I am a mum of two girls. They are beautiful beings and I still pinch myself I get to be their Mum. (I've had miscarriages, ectopics, IVF, it was a journey but that's another story!). Needlesstosay, I work hard to be the best mother I can be. I do this by reading, scouring Mumsnet, watching others I admire and following my instinct. I've never posted on Mumsnet myself before but I'm a bit lost and seeking some advice please.
I was raised by my mother who does, in her own way, love me. That said, she has never been nice to me.
My childhood was without connection, we didn't talk, we didn't hug, she was emotionally unavailable, constantly distracted by the 'men' in her life, three long term relationships, all with drink problems. I was terribly neglected and emotionally abused. I was screamed at daily, physically attacked, put down, name called, and ignored, even in my most desperate of moments. I used to take myself off to CAMS as they were the only people I could talk to. She was cruel to the bone. I left at 14 to live with another family member, with little confidence or self esteem. The years 14-18 went past in a shambolic blur of self destruction. At 18 I decided that I would make something of my life and achieve.
I became very successful in work, I married (10+ years in now) and I live a very happy calm, stable life. I have become something of a show pony to my mother now, the source of much pride I am told by others constantly. However, the pattern behind closed doors and on the phone remains. I am her emotional metaphorical punch bag, most of the time.
What is sad and difficult is that she's unaware by in large of her toxicity. She's fragile and emotionally unstable, when low she hates herself but she rarely hates herself. Mostly she is righteous, aggressive, bullying, controlling, forceful and without sympathy or empathy. She is consumed by wanting to dissect the past, to discuss all the problems in others that they can not see, normally mine. She's always trying to diagnose everyone, from my sister and I, to friends, family, famous people. She's like a sudo psychologist.
As a grandmother, she is having her chance to fix history, to an extent. She loves them, hugs them and is warm towards them when she sees them but she finds it hard work and consequently only has them to visit once every couple of months (she lives 30 minutes away) for a day or night. She comes over to us a couple of times a month but it normally always ends in disaster. She does babysit on request sometimes, which we pay for, its expected and needed so we don't resent it.
She is so very easily upset that I usually say something, unwittingly that results in her storming out of the house, in front of the children, often without saying goodbye. Always with hurls of abuse and foul language. If I ask her to leave because her behaviour is poor, she rages further about how I'm 'throwing her out'. She has very limited ability to manage her emotions.
I find her sometimes hard on the children where behaviour and manners are concerned, they're both between 4 & 8. I'm all for raising well rounded children but her inability to see her own dominating and forceful behaviour causes discomfort for me. People are not allowed to discover who they are. They are told who they are. By age five my eldest had been named manipulative, game playing, bullying etc. It makes me die inside. My mum thinks they're the sweetest really but she uses words as weapons to great effect in conflict or as punishment. Her words caused me untold damage so needlesstosay, I'm keen to protect my children from name calling. I always feel guilty for allowing her to upset my children but I suspect most grandparents parent their grandchildren to some extent? By in large she is loving towards them and they her, though my eldest can be wary occasionally. Though my in-laws are loving and would never dream of ignoring our parenting choices (aka, please cut up grapes) or discipling our children (aka, please don't tell my 7 year old she is manipulative).
My grandmother told me in recent years that my mother struggled to accept me as a child because I reminder her of my father. She had me at 20, they were young and dysfunctional, she wanted out, her didn't, it got messy. She cut off all contact, as did he and I grew up without him in my life. (Happily we found one another in my early 20's and my daughters are growing up knowing who he is).
Despite everything, my mother has always had my back, I've always had a roof over my head and she is very dutiful in terms of being there in a crisis, hospital stays etc, but the day to day is hard. The truth is, I get nothing from my relationship with her. Worse still, she brings distress and conflict into my home, frequently.
It's my believe that my Mum has undiagnosed personality disorder, mood disorder, bipolar or other. She has always refused to seek help. It is a belief shared by the wider family. Her siblings too have mental health issues, one of whom is currently in a psychiatric hospital. This is why I've been able to forgive her flaws and keep on trying.
I have long since tried to manage the relationship to ensure the girls are raised with her in their life, whilst also protecting them from her wrath, it is a hard path to navigate. There is no question that she will cause them a level of psychological upset but so too would cutting her out of our lives. There lies the issue.
What do I do?
As things currently stand, she's cut me out of her life. Yesterday. For a comment that upset her. Nothing new. It'll last a week or so and then she carries on like nothing has happened. Allowing this to just carry on year after year just leaves us all open to more hurt, trauma and long lasting damage. But, are my children really at risk? Would I be walking away for me or them if I do? It feels like its what I want right now but I'd feel awful guilt no doubt.
Any advice from people who've been in same boat or similar would be most welcome.
Thanks for taking the time to listen. What a waffle! Apologies!
Stay safe and well. Much gratitude in advance!