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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

so who thinks i was in the wrong?

57 replies

nappyaddict · 16/09/2007 19:31

ok so the deal is my friend really fancied this bloke. i didn't fancy him at all but then after i got to know him i realised i was starting to fall for him too. i didn't tell him or her although i did try to bring the subject up with her and make a few hints but she didn't catch on.

anyway last night we all went out and then went back to his. everyone was going to bed and he disappeared so i told my friend to go and find him. she wouldn't so i did and sort of never went back. we chatted for hours and he told me he'd liked me since the first time he met me which was about 2 months ago. he'd been told my friend liked him but he didn't like her.

now his friend who liked me and my friend have gone off in a strop and i'm really worried she's not going to talk to me ever again.

i know there's like some unwritten law that says you shouldn't go after anyone your mate likes, but it seemed a bit stupid to me that 2 people who really like one another are unhappy just to please 2 people who like them when neither of us likes them back.

a few people i've asked have been like omg i can't believe you did that but one has said you can't go through life just trying to please others. and that's the way i see it but it seems a little bit selfish.

i'm ready for all your opinions, just hit me with them!

OP posts:

Original poster

nappyaddict · 16/09/2007 20:41

"I do wonder whether you really like him or are getting off on the fact that he has chosen you, not her. Would you have even noticed him if she hadn't been interested? It's not her fault she hasn't the confidence that you have with men."

In response to that definitely not. no i didn't notice him at first cos like i said i tend to go for personality above everything and i've only known him 2 months so its only been the last couple of weeks where we've properly chatted. that was when i realised i liked him. and honestly i'm not confident with men at all unless i've had a few sodas!

OP posts:

sunshinegirl · 16/09/2007 20:50

I think when you have the wisdom of age and previous mistakes, it's easy to know that friendship should come first.

Not saying that you shouldn't be with this guy but make sure that you smooth things over with her first. I'm sure she is feeling very hurt but will come round with time and your honesty. If this "relationship" is meant to be I think he should respect your loyalty and care for your friends and waiting for you should be no problem.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 16/09/2007 20:57

oh know i know him waiting wouldn't be a problem at all. its whether i can wait! obviously i know i have to though. now to figure out how to get her talk to me about it all.

OP posts:

Elizabetth · 16/09/2007 21:25

Would you have liked him if your friend hadn't said she was interested? Some women like to get really competitive with their friends and go after the men they like.

I think the fact that you're trying to get approval here for what you did shows that you probably have some twinge of conscience about going after this bloke. There's loads of men out there so why go after the one she likes? If she was here I'd be asking her why she thinks you are her friend. You don't seem either kind or loyal to her.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 16/09/2007 21:35

its quite unusual for us to like the same person. we generally don't have the same taste at all. if it was the other way round i'd be telling her to go for it. i'd be jealous and it would hurt at first but i wouldn't stand in her way.

it really isn't a case of me liking him just because she did. i think i've explained this quite a lot already.

OP posts:

sunshinegirl · 16/09/2007 21:36

So what are you going to do NA?

Original poster

nappyaddict · 16/09/2007 21:42

wait and see if my friend says anything and then try and explain where i'm coming from and hopefully she'll be understanding. she knows i would be if it were the other way around, even though she can't understand how i could.

OP posts:

madamez · 16/09/2007 21:49

I think if she's a good friend she will accept you going out with this man BUT you do need to make a bit of effort to reassure her that she matters to you and FFS don't go into great detail about what he said about not fancying her in a million years, there's no need to rub it in.
Other than that, though, people are not property and it's unreasonable to expect that no one touches a person you fancy just because you fancy them (especially if they don't return the attraction).

Original poster

nappyaddict · 16/09/2007 21:59

i wasn't going to go into great details but do you think i should mention that he didn't like her at all or is it not necessary?

OP posts:

madamez · 16/09/2007 22:01

NA well it's fair to tell her that he doesn't want to date her but try to put it in a not-too-crushing fashion ie 'he said you're a really nice person but he just thinks of you as a friend', not 'he said the thought of kissing you makes him sick his ring up.'

Original poster

nappyaddict · 16/09/2007 22:03

i was thinking something along the lines of he thinks you're a really great person, but you live in sheffield most of the time so it just never even crossed his mind. would that work?

OP posts:

SenoraPostrophe · 16/09/2007 22:06

nooooo - if yo tell he that, he'll assume you've been talking (and, if she's a bit parnoid laughing) a her.

Just say what you've said here.

gibberish · 16/09/2007 22:10

She'll get over it. And if she's a really good friend she will eventually swallow her hurt pride and be glad that you have found someone you can be happy with.

And NOOOOO - don't say he didn't fancy her. It's a bit brutal and will only rub salt in the wound. She will, in time, realise that if he did fancy her he wouldn't have gone off with you. And I don't think the living in Sheffield thing will work either - she will want to know why you didn't make it clear to him that she liked him. I think you should just apologise if you have hurt her, explain that it was a complete shock that you hit it off and in time I think she will come round.

Anyway, as soon as she meets someone new she will be over it in a flash I'm sure.

Elizabetth · 16/09/2007 22:17

I think if you were a good friend you'd leave this guy alone, but as it doesn't sound like you are going to I definitely wouldn't say anything about what he thinks about her to her. It really isn't up to you to pass on his opinion of her to her and once again the fact you are thinking of doing this makes me think that you are quite competitive with her and are wanting to be one up.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 16/09/2007 22:17

the annoying thing is she told his friend who we work with that she really liked him and said to me i hope scott tells him i like him. scott did tell him, and he said he didn't like her. now why on earth didn't scott tell my friend in a really nice way that yes i've brought it up with him and no unfortunately he doesn't see you in that way, before she had 2 months to obsess over him!!

OP posts:

Original poster

nappyaddict · 16/09/2007 22:19

so i shouldn't even say what madamez suggested?

i really don't want to be one up on her i just don't want her to think i went after him even though he may have liked her. it is possible to like more than one person at the same time after all.

OP posts:

gibberish · 16/09/2007 22:19

Couldn't you ask Scott to delicately tell her that the bloke in question wasn't interested? Would be better hearing it from him than from you methinks.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 16/09/2007 22:23

no cos he's in a mood with me (he was the friend who liked me). maybe if i asked the one i like to ask him to do that, it would work. even though he has no reason to be in a mood cos he was the one who was horrible to me so is it any wonder i didn't like him back!!

OP posts:

gibberish · 16/09/2007 22:25

Aaaah the plot thickens. What a complicated life you lead nappyaddict Well, if this bloke really likes you surely he'd be willing to do that in an effort to restore the peace.

Elizabetth · 16/09/2007 22:25

I don't understand why you need to do anything. Your friend knows, she doesn't like it, she feels let down by you, so that's it.

You don't plan on giving up on this bloke so I think you'll just have to accept that your friend is upset and wait to see if she comes round. Getting people to play Chinese whispers is ridiculous and very immature.

fireflyfairy2 · 16/09/2007 22:31

What did you text your friend earlier?

Was it something you needed a reply to?

When are you due to see her next?

Original poster

nappyaddict · 17/09/2007 08:18

she text back in the end but was quite blunt. she didn't know what had happened. she assumed something had when it hadn't. all we had done was talked about the situation.

it might seem immature to you elizabetth but you have to understand my friends aren't the maturist of people. most of them have only just turned 19 and whilst i've had a baby, got a few older friends now and matured somewhat a lot of them haven't, so when it comes to things like this, yes i often have to treat in a more immature way than i would like to.

i told her the truth about how i feel and that i waited til i knew what she thought before i did anything. she said she isn't going to fall out with me but she does feel that i've gone across her and not told her the truth which i suppose is understandable.

OP posts:

sleepfinder · 17/09/2007 08:28

hello
you've had a lot of replies and I'm afraid I've not read all of them.
I don't think its a simple case of right or wrong - but I do think its important to be honest with everyone as soon as you can - and it sounds like you have done that.

Its not like you're both 45 and this is the only guy who has appeared in years and your friend has pinned all her hopes on him. You're young and there are a lot of other younger men out there who she will probably meet and like better.
I hope that your friendship restores itself. I'm sure it may just take a little time.
And I hope this turns into a wonderful relationship for you, too.

Original poster

nappyaddict · 18/09/2007 00:55

so .... the question is do i continue seeing this person? he seems quite serious about me and i am about him but i just feel so guilty. and normally i'd share the exciting firsts of a new relationship with my friend but now i can't cos it would be like rubbing her nose in it wouldn't it?

and also cos i don't want to rub her nose in it should i tell her if i'm planning to go on a date with him, tell her about the sort of awkward inbetween stage when you're not sure if this is officially a relationship or wait until its definitely official?

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 18/09/2007 07:44

I kept my relationship very quiet, we didn't show affection in public, it was quite exciting really, everyone thought we were just good friends.

I couldn't tell my best mates or anyone anything because we were such a big close group it would have meant my friend would have known everything and i wanted to tell her myself when i was sure i loved him and wanted to stay with him.

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