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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please. My Son doesn’t want to speak to his mum but I am getting hassle off of the Grandma

30 replies

malgrat78 · 29/04/2020 14:44

Hello all. Some of you might remember my previous posts regarding my Son's mum & how I had to take custody of him as his mum moved in a heroin addict. Social services contacted me & informed me that they had received an anonymous report for my son's welfare at his mums house & they confirmed that the boyfriend was a known drug user. He was only staying at mine 2 nights per week back then. I had a neighbour tell me that there were drug dealers often visiting the house & my son felt extremely uncomfortable around the new boyfriend. There was a lot of manipulation & emotional blackmailing from both his mum & the boyfriend to try & get him to stay there more nights per week which I am now thinking was related to money & the maintenance I was paying. The boyfriend was admitted to hospital before Christmas due to pneumonia which I was told by a reliable source was actually from smoking crack cocaine. Over the course of a few months I reduced contact & this is what my son wanted until he moved in with me permanently several months ago. I offered his mum mediation but she wasn't interested. Around Xmas she kicked the boyfriend out then asked for help off of her family. They helped her but then found out she was secretly seeing the boyfriend again so they basically disowned her.

It appears that she is still with this guy & has been seen begging & selling household items. All this looks as if she is on drugs also. My son who is now 13 hasn't seen his mum since Xmas eve & he made the decision to block her number. His mum has my number but hasn't tried contacting me for months. I have referred my Son for some counselling but with this Virus pandemic it will be several months now. I always make time to have a chat with him about the situation & he still doesn't want anything to do with his mum. It was his birthday last Friday & I received nothing from his mum. I got a text off of her yesterday asking if my son had received his birthday card from her. I replied No. She replied with "I sent it Friday, when will you let me speak to him, I miss him so much". This is the first contact for ages.

Now the reason why I have asked for advice. His mum's mother has now messaged me asking if I can get my son to phone his mum because she keeps phoning her up crying & she thinks that she might kill herself. he went on to say that she knows I don't want him to have anything to do with her. I explained that it was my son's choice not to have anything to do with her & I support him as he is still a child but is old enough to know what he wants. She got sarcastic & said "no body cares about her, as long as he is ok" I mentioned to my son would he like to speak to his & he still says no so I am not going to force him. I get the feeling her mother is trying a bit of emotional blackmail just like my son's mum used to do with him.

He is finally getting to a stable good place & I don't want that spoiling. His mum is 50 & had every opportunity to sort things out but didn't. She apparently phoned her mum up to say that she had been mugged so that her mum would send her some money. So she is well aware what her daughter is like but she keeps blaming the boyfriend.

Do you all agree that I am doing the right thing by not forcing him to speak to her? I must admit I am thinking should I be trying to get him to phone her if she is suicidal but surely he is my main concern?

OP posts:
Bobbiepin · 29/04/2020 14:48

Maybe she can email him but via you so you can get emails. He can choose to read them or not, to respond or not and grandma keeps out of it.

Sounds like you're doing a great job in a difficult situation. Putting your son's interests first is definitely the right thing to do.

Bobbiepin · 29/04/2020 14:49

BTW if she is suicidal she needs medical intervention, not for your son to feel the pressure to "save" her. That is not his responsibility.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 29/04/2020 14:53

Youre doing the right thing. Your job is to protect your child, if he doesn't want to speak to his mum he shouldn't have to.

If your ex is telling her mum she's suicidal, then it's the mum's job to call 999 and get her some help. It's not fair to put the onus of saving a drug addict from herself on your teen.

You sound like a good parent, keep doing what you're doing.

Original poster
malgrat78 · 29/04/2020 14:53

@Bobbiepin

BTW if she is suicidal she needs medical intervention, not for your son to feel the pressure to "save" her. That is not his responsibility

I feel as if the grandma is trying to pressure me & my Son using suicide which is completely wrong.

OP posts:
Cher3 · 29/04/2020 14:54

You need to keep your son well away. Nothing is more important than her well being.

Cher3 · 29/04/2020 14:54

*than his

DorotheaHomeAlone · 29/04/2020 14:55

She got sarcastic & said "no body cares about her, as long as he is ok"

This is horrendous and tells you everything you need to know about both of them. They think your son's needs should come second to a selfish, irresponsible drug addict. Well done for keeping him safe from them. Definitely do not give in to the emotional blackmail. Keep supporting him in putting up good boundaries. It sounds like he’ll need them for a long time.

Original poster
malgrat78 · 29/04/2020 14:56

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

If your ex is telling her mum she's suicidal, then it's the mum's job to call 999 and get her some help. It's not fair to put the onus of saving a drug addict from herself on your teen

Should I politely tell her mum this? You are bang on here to be honest. Its absolutely not fair putting that on my son. If he phoned her she would be upset on the phone & back to tying to emotionally blackmail him & then we would be back to square one.

OP posts:
Original poster
malgrat78 · 29/04/2020 15:01

@DorotheaHomeAlone

This is horrendous and tells you everything you need to know about both of them. They think your son's needs should come second to a selfish, irresponsible drug addict. Well done for keeping him safe from them. Definitely do not give in to the emotional blackmail. Keep supporting him in putting up good boundaries. It sounds like he’ll need them for a long time

Without going into too much detail my ex didn't have a good childhood & I believe this is some of the reason she is how she is today but of course you cant just blame that but you can see where she has got the traits from.

OP posts:
Original poster
malgrat78 · 29/04/2020 15:04

@Cher3

You need to keep your son well away. Nothing is more important than his well being

He has been doing great this Year. 100% attendance at School, sleeping in his own bed, doing well at School, happy etc & I do not want to spoil this. More to the point I am listening to his opinion & he doesn't want anything to do with her.

OP posts:
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 29/04/2020 15:04

Yes, please do! "Im really sorry to hear that, i wish her well, but DS doesn't want to talk to her and im not going to force him - its not fair to make him responsible for her health. If you're worried that she's suicidal, you need to call 999 and call an ambulance to get her some help. DS is a child and needs the adults in his life to protect him from this. I need you to help me do that."

hellsbellsmelons · 29/04/2020 15:06

Don't listen to anyone else OP, except for your son.
This is emotional blackmail so nothing has changed.
It's still all about her.
She is responsible for her own actions.
No-one can 'save' her.
You keep strong for you son.
You are, as always, putting him first.
Don't even tell him.
And yes, if your ex is telling her mum she is suicidal it's up to her to get the ambulance out to her.
Keep your distance.
In all honesty, I'd block your MIL.
This is not your sons responsibility. Don't allow it to become that!
Well done!!!! Keep going.
You got this!

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2020 15:11

You're 100% doing the right thing. Block the grandmother immediately. She has no right to be making demands.

pointythings · 29/04/2020 15:14

Just keep on protecting your son as you have been doing. He isn't responsible for his mum's welfare - how screwed up do you have to be to think that!

You've turned his life around. Don't ever look back.

Original poster
malgrat78 · 29/04/2020 15:28

@hellsbellsmelons

I agree with everything you say. I am not mentioning none of this to him. She asked me to phone her to discuss it & I refused because my son would hear the conversation & it would effect him. I might have to block her as you say.

OP posts:
cheeseycracker · 29/04/2020 15:28

Poor lad. You're doing the right thing.

Lllot5 · 29/04/2020 15:31

You’re absolutely doing the right thing. It’s not up to your 13 year old to be responsible for his mother.
Tell granny to piss off too.

Original poster
malgrat78 · 29/04/2020 15:34

@pointythings

Just keep on protecting your son as you have been doing. He isn't responsible for his mum's welfare - how screwed up do you have to be to think that

I find it disgusting that she thinks by getting my son who is still a child to phone his mum up just to upset him is acceptable & the answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
malgrat78 · 29/04/2020 15:35

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

Yes, please do! "Im really sorry to hear that, i wish her well, but DS doesn't want to talk to her and im not going to force him - its not fair to make him responsible for her health. If you're worried that she's suicidal, you need to call 999 and call an ambulance to get her some help. DS is a child and needs the adults in his life to protect him from this. I need you to help me do that."

Brilliant, thank you for this :)

OP posts:
nzborn · 29/04/2020 15:38

Protect your son from her and her family by having no access.

SRS29 · 29/04/2020 15:48

Well done OP, stand your ground. You're doing exactly the right for your son, and he will definitely thank you in the future Smile

2bazookas · 29/04/2020 15:59

What would a child feel if his absent, drug-addicted mum started whining down the phone that she's going to kill herself !!!!!

RoxanneMonke · 29/04/2020 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
malgrat78 · 29/04/2020 16:07

@2bazookas

What would a child feel if his absent, drug-addicted mum started whining down the phone that she's going to kill herself !!!!!

And she would say this. One reason my son doesn't want to talk to her is because this is exactly what she used to say. If he missed behave she would openly say "I feel like topping myself". He still mentions that & I have heard her say it to him. The boyfriend once said to him when he wanted to stay at mine more "look what you're doing to your mum, you're destroying her"!!

OP posts:
Original poster
malgrat78 · 29/04/2020 16:10

My ex's Mother has messaged me again saying it's all the Boyfriends fault & there isn't much she can do when we have this Virus & she lives miles away. I have just ended to conversation with the suggestion above & basically said that I wish her daughter well & if she is concerned about her then she needs to phone 999. My main concern is my child & he is not responsible for his Mum's health & it isn't right to put that pressure on him.

OP posts:
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