Not sure if this is normal

[thisisgreatsogreat]

married 14 years, 2 young DC, relationship has always had ups and downs, it's never been perfect, I've read people's post here about abusive relationships and been glad as ours is not that bad...
I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this in real life, not sure what I'm hoping for here but here it goes...

• he absolutely can't stand when I disagree with him, gets ofter angry even if it's a completely trivial thing and otherwise day has been fine
• will make personal and belittling comments when angry, then no speaking (i guess that's mutual as i just don't know what to do , don't want to make it worse - once I apologised quite quickly and that made things worse- throwing things etc- never hurt me physically)
• negative comments without much reason about my friends/family and clearly annoyed when I want to go meet friends (I don't have many and will go 'out' maybe twice a year if that) , used to meet friends daytimes with kids etc when he was at work
• tbf occasionally he makes positive comments about them, it's rare but still
• sometimes will simply not answer a question that he clearly heard, will just not say anything! I can't wrap my head around that!
• i do 95% cooking, cleaning, childcare etc i get the feeling that he doesn't care (cleaning, laundry etc) he will spend some time with kids but usually watching tv , rarely playing, will sometimes take them outside
• he dismisses what i say and go opposite way - for example, constant battle about giving kids sweets- i say , 'please don't' he'll do it anyway. Kids notice and are getting the habit if i say no to something they go to dad
• i never know what mood he's going to be in or if I've done something wrong , when he comes down for breakfast/dinner/I come back from the shop etc

But he's not calling me names(he has done couple of times years ago), not gaslighting (if I understand it correctly), can be supportive of hobbies (if it's inside the home, gardening for example), if I feel down due to something else (not him) then is supportive (usually). When there's a good period then we get on fine but it can instantly turn and i just never know what and when can trigger it and will afterwards wonder if I hadn't said this or that...

So I'm obviously not thinking everything is great, but I wouldn't call it abuse. Or should i?

It is abuse.

Yes, forgot to say, massive double standards in what he can do/say vs me
He can go out/travel with friends even if it's super expensive, buy expensive stuff without discussion, plan family trips without discussion etc
He can criticise whatever i do but if i pull him up on it it's not criticism , I'm being ridiculous/difficult it will lead to argument, so best not to say anything
He can shout but if i ask why he's shouting, then it's not shouting (implies it could be worse?)

Aaah just writing it down is exhausting, thank you whoever read it

'It can instantly turn'
'He's supportive of hobbies if inside the home'
Infact most of your post. I think you know OP and need others to tell you. He's controlling.

In my opinion, the anger, throwing things, verbal abuse, ignoring you and the way he controls you are abusive.

Undermining you with the children is poor parenting as well.

Abuse isn’t usually a one off thing. It’s a pattern of behaviour that’s designed to control you.

Can you see how you alter your own choices and behaviour to avoid triggering his anger ? Eg You don’t go out with friends in the evening because of his comments.

Can I ask why you have decided to post about this now on MN? Have things changed or got worse?

What do you what to happen ?

You are walking on eggshells and worried about triggering his anger. He belittled you and those you love, he ignores you and your days and the quality of your life is dictated by whatever mood he happens to find himself in.

This is not a healthy relationship. I am very sorry but he sounds emotionally abusive and I would be worried for your mental health and the mental health of your children too.

Elfieselfie
Well he would completely disagree I'm sure and probably have a reasonable argument that I'm a difficult person. And i am not always an easy person to live with i guess. I have high standards in cleanliness, can be lazy sometimes (although still clean, feed the kids etc), llack emotion (apparently)

Notmynigel thanks, that's quite hard to hear.. although you are getting a one sided view I suppose. His view would be very different. So i just don't know if the way i see things is objective?
What's changed is that he is always home now with the lockdown also he's talking about moving abroad and this worries me as i think what would happen with the kids if our marriage breaks up - I would possibly not be allowed to leave with the DC

@thisisgreatsogreat

They ALL disagree. They will gaslight and blame us. They cause arguments and blame us. They will do things that they know will trigger us into reacting in a certain way which enables them to lay all the blame at our feet. Seen it so many times. I've been called difficult to live with, yeah, I am, after I have been treated like s**t!

So you have a 'lazy' day... who cares? As long as kids are clean and fed, you're allowed them. Everyone needs a break, otherwise it's really unhealthy.

Your partner needs to back off and stop treating you like crap. Honestly, I wouldn't be standing for it.

You are very wise to be worried about moving aboard with the kids. And yes, it’s almost certain that you would not be allowed to leave and return to the Uk with the children, unless he gives permission.

Assuming that you DONT move abroad @thisisgreatsogreat, what do you want to happen ?

I'm not sure what I want to happen. I don't want to divorce, but he has threatened to leave and the last time I actually felt slightly hopeful.
Being a single parent scares me. I have no job, been sahm for 5 years, have tried to get a job before lockdown happened but not been successful. We would have to give up this house that we love and the kids know as their only home.
Financial security is gone anyway now due to pandemic so in reality might have to give up house regardless...

Right now I'd like to actually have a clear mind and coping strategies maybe, is that stupid?
To even recognise it is abusive is huge as i never put our relationship in that category

Of course he’ll disagree, he’s an abuser! His opinion of you is not important, but it’s sounds like he’s persuaded you that it is judging by your self doubting commentary. You have already lost your self esteem. I suggest you read some books on abuse. Suggestions below

Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft
The verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans
Stalking the soul by Marie-France Hirigoyen

I’ll be very surprised if you don’t see your abuser in these pages.

Right now I'd like to actually have a clear mind and coping strategies maybe, is that stupid?

No that’s not stupid at all, it’s a good objective. I’m sure it will help you to have some insight into his behaviour and how it’s affecting you and the children.

@ilikemethewayiam has some excellent book suggestions. The full text of the Bancroft book is free here too

archive.org/stream/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that_djvu.txt

Controlling behavior is abusive.

When I don't know what to do, I sit and think about how I feel. If I feel bad, if a situation feels bad, then that's my answer.
The answer isn't, "I feel bad, but I shouldn't feel bad."
The answer is "I feel bad. It's bad.This is bad."

I think you should be less scared of being a single parent than spending the rest of your days with this controlling abuser.

I know that sounds harsh but that is the reality.

Luckily you have realised and can now take the time to plan.

As an example
He never usually puts the kids to bed ('because they want mummy'), the other night he was with the older DC in his bedroom at bedtime showing him videos on his phone, i was on my way to bathroom and said it's bedtime could you not watch screens anymore, he said oh it's just 2 minutes
After my shower (at least 10min later) they are still watching, i was annoyed as I knew that DH would finish video at some point and leave, leaving me to get DC to sleep after his excitement about video, then DH also expects me to go downstairs to watch tv woth him so in my mind all that was getting delayed and i was tired.
So I spoke out, said well why don't you get DC to sleep since your still watching, he then stayed eith DC but afterwards was angry with me ashow dare I speak to him like this in front of DC
So in his view I'm undermining his parenting in front of dc!! And he is right!? No?!

Thanks for the book suggestions i will look at these, I've seen them mentioned here before, but just never thought one day I'll be looking at them for me!
I just don't really see myself as a victim

The thing is kids would have to spend time with him away from me, and that would be a struggle. Not because i thi k he would be awful with them (i think perhaps he would actually be a better parent) but because the DC are very attached to me. I guess because i do everything with them, I'm there for them constantly AND they are also wary of dad's moods

I understand what you mean about not seeing yourself as a victim. I expect you are educated and had a good job before you become a SAHM. And I’m sure you are not a shrinking violet and are willing to speak up for yourself.

We all have our preconceptions about what an abuse victim looks like .

www.independent.co.uk/voices/i-believed-the-stereotypes-about-domestic-abuse-thats-what-made-it-so-hard-to-realise-i-was-a-victim-a6766676.html

Oh my, there are so many similarities to my life. I know I'm getting a divorce, I'm just getting my self ready (and stuck in lock down). All your thoughts are similar to mine, all the advice is helpful to me- thank you posters. One thing that is helping me is to write it down (somewhere safe - mine is in a password protected doc on my phone). When he says I'm awful because xyz I can then remember clearly all the things that have happened with a clear head without being gaslighted. My rare bad day does not compare to his constant moods. Also because I don't want this whole situation, if we do have a few good days my poor starving heart hopes it will continue but it doesn't and it's like I'm back to square one. I'm planning my new life in my head and just getting through. Good luck op.

He is an abusive man who doesn't respect you as anything like an equal. You very much need to separate for everyone's benefit. Most important, DO NOT GO ABROAD WITH THIS MAN everything will be ten times worse.

This is not normal ---- it is abuse, and of course he will disagree. He is controlling you.
DO NOT MOVE ABROAD WITH HIM.

Write things down what are happening as @trytrytrying. Make sure you keep this somewhere safe so he can't find it. This will help you see a pattern and you can use it to show a solicitor.

Thank you everyone, I've started reading why does he do that?

And found this bit spot on:

The abuser’s mood changes are especially
perplexing. He can be a different person from day
to day, or even from hour to hour. At times he is
aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh,
insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping
from him like oil from a drum. When he’s in this
mode, nothing she says seems to have any impact
on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side
of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and
everything is her fault. He twists her words around
so that she always ends up on the defensive. As so
many partners of my clients have said to me, “I
just can’t seem to do anything right.”

Notmynigel thank you for the link!