Not sure if this is normal

[thisisgreatsogreat]

married 14 years, 2 young DC, relationship has always had ups and downs, it's never been perfect, I've read people's post here about abusive relationships and been glad as ours is not that bad...
I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this in real life, not sure what I'm hoping for here but here it goes...

• he absolutely can't stand when I disagree with him, gets ofter angry even if it's a completely trivial thing and otherwise day has been fine
• will make personal and belittling comments when angry, then no speaking (i guess that's mutual as i just don't know what to do , don't want to make it worse - once I apologised quite quickly and that made things worse- throwing things etc- never hurt me physically)
• negative comments without much reason about my friends/family and clearly annoyed when I want to go meet friends (I don't have many and will go 'out' maybe twice a year if that) , used to meet friends daytimes with kids etc when he was at work
• tbf occasionally he makes positive comments about them, it's rare but still
• sometimes will simply not answer a question that he clearly heard, will just not say anything! I can't wrap my head around that!
• i do 95% cooking, cleaning, childcare etc i get the feeling that he doesn't care (cleaning, laundry etc) he will spend some time with kids but usually watching tv , rarely playing, will sometimes take them outside
• he dismisses what i say and go opposite way - for example, constant battle about giving kids sweets- i say , 'please don't' he'll do it anyway. Kids notice and are getting the habit if i say no to something they go to dad
• i never know what mood he's going to be in or if I've done something wrong , when he comes down for breakfast/dinner/I come back from the shop etc

But he's not calling me names(he has done couple of times years ago), not gaslighting (if I understand it correctly), can be supportive of hobbies (if it's inside the home, gardening for example), if I feel down due to something else (not him) then is supportive (usually). When there's a good period then we get on fine but it can instantly turn and i just never know what and when can trigger it and will afterwards wonder if I hadn't said this or that...

So I'm obviously not thinking everything is great, but I wouldn't call it abuse. Or should i?

Trytrytrying thank you for your post, hope you get what you dream of.
I don't yet know what i want, I'm not ready to want divorce.
I want peace though and just to be able to be myself and to be acceptable as i am.
It might turn out that I cannot get these things without leaving him.

OP, I didn’t want a divorce and didn’t see myself as a victim. I stayed and tried for 26 years! He isolated me from my family and friends. I was a SAHM, he wouldn’t ‘allow’ me to have a mobile phone or a computer when they eventually became available. There was no Mumsnet back then for me to post on (or I wasn’t aware of it) If there was I’m almost certain it would have ended my relationship within the first few years! When I finally did leave, hindsight smacked me in the face and I’ve spent many years grieving for those lost years. This forum is full of very wise, smart, clued up women who have learned the hard way. Please listen to them. I wished I’d had the benefit of their wisdom back then. I really think my life would have been so different!

I don't want a divorce. Sadly I've done it before and I know it's the only way without destroying my soul. I truly thought I had such a nice guy this time. I've had so much therapy and I do understand why I choose wrongly. I have tried for four years. I will keep trying until I'm in a safe financial position and non lock down. But I do know the dripping sarcasm, the meanness and switch of mood is not my fault. The only way is to get out. And not get in again! Take care, listen to advice and good luck.

Definitely abusive