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Does this seem suspicious?

75 replies

SpellmansLuck · 28/04/2020 21:03

DH’s phone was charging on the bedside table while I was in our bedroom breastfeeding our youngest dc/getting the baby to sleep. Throughout the feed, DH's phone buzzed a couple time’s, so after I got the baby to sleep, I tapped the phone screen to check if the notifications were anything important work wise that DH might need to see.
Anyway, when the screen lit up, there was a standard junk email alert, as well as a notification saying:

Parallel Instagram App: (persons username here) has requested to follow you.

Now my phone is an iPhone and I hadn’t heard of a parallel app before, so I quickly googled and the phone that DH has, can run ‘clone’ copies of apps which you have to set up by going in to the settings area.

Thinking this was bizarre - and also a major flashback to something DH and I had gone through before a few years prior, I’ll get to that - I searched the username of the requested followers profile on my phone, to see who might be trying to follow my DH on a parallel version of instagram, and the person only has a one post, but it’s a body shot of them in a bra.

Here’s where my guard went up - a couple years back, I unearthed a separate Instagram account that DH had set up against my knowledge, a few months after the birth of our first dc, purely to follow what were essentially profiles of nothing but basically naked women. Some professional ‘model’ type accounts, but the majority were just general women who like to get their kit off frequently and pose in suggestively. The amount he was following was staggering (over 300 accounts of nothing but these 'sexy' profiles), and the deceit of doing something that seedy behind my back, massively pissed me off. He ended up deleting the account, and we put the situation to bed.

Upon seeing who this requested follower was, coupled with the fact the notification was from a parallel app, I decided to breezily ask DH about it. I simply said ‘oh while I was feeding the baby, your phone went off a few times, so I had a quick look and weirdly, there was a notification from a parallel app? What’s that?’. He went and got his phone off of charge, came back and went ‘uhhh, oh errr, it’s just an email and my mum tagging me on something on Facebook’ - completely ignoring the blatant IG notification that was sitting right there.
I told him I’d saw that it was an Instagram notification and again said that I thought it was weird he had a cloned account. He then sat there for a good 15 minutes acting confused and pulling ‘hmmm what IS this!??’ faces. I say acting, because I can tell when DH is pretending to be miffed about something when he actually knows the answer. He kept saying he didn’t know that he had a cloned account, that the notification must’ve been for his work Instagram account, despite the fact his work account is linked to his personal account so operate from the same, single app and notifications for both don’t appear as ‘parallel’ if that makes sense, they just show up as a good old regular Instagram notification.

I rarely get a chance to look at dhs phone for long, but I’m now wary he’s got another separate account - on this clone, parallel account - and being off of work, bored at home with me and the DC’s has caused him to start cataloguing a library of Instagram nude accounts again.

What do you think?

OP posts:
peach1234 · 29/04/2020 10:09

@BluntAndToThePoint80 has taken the words right out of my mouth.
You only have 2 options which is why I didn't understand what advice you wanted...

  1. You either go round and round like this, finding stuff, accusing and him lying (there's been enough times now to know this will keep happening) or you turn a blind eye and reassess your boundaries with him.
  2. You say you can't deal with it anymore and know he wont change and leave.
SandyY2K · 29/04/2020 10:12

You say it's the deceit and lies that get to you but he's not allowed to do anything so of course he's going to lie about it.

I agree with this.

Him initially saying he barely watched it was downplaying it.

You seem to want to control him in thus regard and you then seem surprised he lies to you about it.

He will promise again and again. If you don't want to continue in a marriage with a man who looks at images of naked women, regardless of their age...that's your choice...but don't think he'll stop....

peach1234 · 29/04/2020 10:17

@Throwmeabone I have been hurt numerous times and I left, I wouldn't live a paranoid life checking up on my husband constantly. Checking up on people constantly drives them to cheat anyway. I have nothing to hide and have never cheated but I would never let my husband constantly check my phone.

Cher3 · 29/04/2020 10:17

Porn is one thing but I think making a whole other secret account to follow other sexy accounts is another. How do you know he’s not messaging or sexting these women. You know he’s capable if it so why are you going around in circles with everyone. He’s not trustworthy and he’s a liar. It’ll get worse. Get rid

TigerQueenie · 29/04/2020 10:17

But if he isn't allowed to look at pictures of scantily clad or naked women, of course he's going to hide it.

SpellmansLuck · 29/04/2020 10:18

The other thing is, I don't actually know that this parallel app (or apps? There could be more, who knows!) is being used just for porn use. For all I know, it could be a separate account to message people? At the moment, all I know for certain is that he has a separate account of some description and it's use/what's on it, is being hidden from me

OP posts:
TofutiKline · 29/04/2020 10:23

What is it with women who accept such shit from men?! He’s a sleazy creep. How can you still want to be with him? This would put me right off a bloke.

SandyY2K · 29/04/2020 10:34

At the moment, all I know for certain is that he has a separate account of some description and it's use/what's on it, is being hidden from me

My DH doesn't have access to all my email accounts.

I'm not up to no good....I have an account linked to support forums like this.
I like a degree of privacy and so does he. As I sometimes talk about him in my posts.

Your constantly on his back like an investigator...it must be exhausting for you.

Very few people are going to say...I will continue to look at naked women, knowing you don't like it.

Women go and watch shows like the Chippendales or the full Monty....do you not approve of that? Or women getting a stripogram for a hen night...?

SpellmansLuck · 29/04/2020 10:44

Instagram accounts are quite different to Instagram accounts though, no?

Instagram is purely a photo and messaging service. DH doesn't take photos, he never posts on his regular account, or his work account, so not sure why he'd need a secret third? DH is the kind of person who has social media, but doesn't actually use it. People tag him on things on Facebook etc and he just doesn't reply. People wish him a happy birthday, and he doesn't acknowledge them. If he was active across social media, then perhaps a third account might be needed, I don't know, but he isn't, so obviously the account is being used for something bizarre.

It is exhausting for me. The trust between us is still being rebuilt after he kissed an old work colleague and lied about it, that's why I'm so hot on having his honesty these day's. If he's presented with an opportunity to be honest with me, I'd love it if he would just take it, not offer up more lies.

OP posts:
SpellmansLuck · 29/04/2020 10:45

Duh. That should've said email accounts are different!

OP posts:
peach1234 · 29/04/2020 10:48

@SpellmansLuck you're coming up with more and more things he's done... it's obvious this is all too much now

SpellmansLuck · 29/04/2020 10:55

@peach1234 my last post was more of an explanation as to why I hate lies, and why he should be doing all he can to be honest with me, and less 'look at this other shitty thing he did!!!'

OP posts:
BluntAndToThePoint80 · 29/04/2020 10:56

Well that’s a bit of a drip feed isn’t it ? Kind of information that might have been useful in your OP.

I personally think it puts the lying in a different light but not your control of his wanking habits.

I would have said he’s lied about that because you were clearly going to give him shit either way so he might as well lie to give himself a chance to get out of it.

At the end of the day You don’t trust him so ultimately what is the point ?

chocolatedrem · 29/04/2020 11:02

I think it's deceitful and would make me uneasy but I also recently heard something that made me think.
If you aren't understanding, men will lie. He knows you'd hate him following loads of women on Instagram and so he created a fake profile to do it - I suppose it's like watching porn. He probs gets off on that these are "real" people?

I'd probably just ask for transparency - say you want to know why he does it and if he is going to do it that you want to not have it as a secret?

Never heard of a parallel app though so a bit confused

GiantPinesAhem · 29/04/2020 11:23

I'm so sorry, but this will not go away. It's a carbon copy of my ex...

I first discovered his lies age 18, around 6 months into the relationship- and it remained a constant theme through out our relationship. 12 years later I caught him in such a big lie (because he escalated) that I knew I would never trust him again and pulled back completely emotionally. Lived alongside (ish) for a further 4 years before he left- I'd felt too guilty for putting up with his behaviour for all those years to do anything about it, so stayed trapped.

Please don't end up like me x

I thought there was no point leaving him because the kids needed him and no one else would want me anyway, and even if they did, believed the lie that all men would behave the same anyway.

I was wrong- the kids don't need a man that behaves like that, and although I went through some other shitty men when I started dating, I have the most incredible man in my life who loves me and my children so much.

peach1234 · 29/04/2020 11:36

@SpellmansLuck if he's physically cheated in the past and you found out, I'd 100% suspect he's got this secret Instagram to chat to people not just to perv. I think you need to try and get hold of his phone to look that way you'll know for definite and can put this to bed.
If you said this in the beginning you would've got very different responses.

SpellmansLuck · 29/04/2020 12:18

I guess I just didn't want the thread to descend in to 'why have you stayed with a cheater!?' as they so often do. I wanted advice on the separate account issue, but now I can see that adding that he has form for cheating and lying probably should've been in the original post and would've given me better responses!

OP posts:
Dontinjectbleach · 29/04/2020 12:25

There is a way of searching for an image - reverse image search - so you could see if you can find the account(s) that way, if he's using a photo you can access....maybe the same photo as his regular Insta a/c? I don't find the Google RIS that great but there are others.

peach1234 · 29/04/2020 14:05

@SpellmansLuck or if you could fine the username for the account you could get someone to follow him on there...

SpellmansLuck · 29/04/2020 14:41

I've got next to no luck of stumbling across his account unfortunately - with his last secret account, he used a random name and had no profile photo, fool proof in theory, except it wasn't as I still caught him.

I suspect that now I've raised the alarm bell regarding knowing the game is up with the clone accounts, he'll probably just bury shit even further in to the depths of his phone.

I just hate not knowing what that account is being used for. Surely if it was something entirely innocent, when I pointed out about the notification in the first place and questioned the parallel app, he'd have just gone 'oh yeah, I made a new one for xyz reason!'. If he was an avid social media user, again, I could understand the need for multiple accounts but he doesn't use the ones that he has got!

I wish we had transparency, that's all. It's a shame he gets given opportunities to be honest, but instead chooses to withhold the truth, sadly, 99% of the time, I find out the truth in the distant future, then chaos ensues. Let's hope that's not the case this time.

OP posts:
iswhois · 29/04/2020 15:00

Yeah he's definitely up to old tricks

Is he interacting with them though?

mamato3lads · 29/04/2020 15:39

@SpellmansLuck

I feel sick for you, brings up a lot of old feelings and memories.

They will always lie. Pretend to be all "confused", they have "no idea how XY or Z ended up on their phone". They all get angry and defensive and act totally bewildered.

They know it's bullshit
We know it's bullshit
Yet the merry dance continues and I have no idea why

Opentooffers · 29/04/2020 16:25

He's very crap at avoiding being found out. All he needed to do was mute notifications and hide banners, then he could catch up and look at his leasure when he had a spare moment and if he left his phone laying around in between, there would be no indication. Then there is kissing a work colleague, the mind boggles as to how you find out that a kiss has occurred, he seems destined to be found out. So much so, it makes me wonder if he's getting a kick out of playing games.
I think it would be wise for you to think about how your relationship is as a whole, how you get on and communicate in other ways. Are you affectionate generally with each other, do you have an intimate closeness that you'd expect occurs in a relationship or are you more standoffish with each other? Context and if his behaviour affects everyday interactions is worth considering.

Longwhiskers14 · 29/04/2020 16:39

You're saying it's the lies that bother you, but if he told the absolute truth and came right out and said he wants to ogle naked women on IG, OP, then what?

Lolalovesroses · 30/04/2020 21:01

There's an app that you can get for your mobile,I think it's called "secret vault" and it is another hidden layer to your phone. You can store duplicate apps on it, photographs, videos everything you normally would. The data is stored in a separate cloud that you pay for. To access the layer,you have to put a pin into one of the apps on the first layer " it's a dummy app".If you are on the second layer and are "disturbed" you put your mobile face down and it reverts to the top, legitimate layer. The only way you would be able to see if the mobile has a secret layer is to go through every app, on the " legitimate layer" to check it's not a dummy app.

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