Does this seem suspicious?

[SpellmansLuck]

DH’s phone was charging on the bedside table while I was in our bedroom breastfeeding our youngest dc/getting the baby to sleep. Throughout the feed, DH's phone buzzed a couple time’s, so after I got the baby to sleep, I tapped the phone screen to check if the notifications were anything important work wise that DH might need to see.
Anyway, when the screen lit up, there was a standard junk email alert, as well as a notification saying:

Parallel Instagram App: (persons username here) has requested to follow you.

Now my phone is an iPhone and I hadn’t heard of a parallel app before, so I quickly googled and the phone that DH has, can run ‘clone’ copies of apps which you have to set up by going in to the settings area.

Thinking this was bizarre - and also a major flashback to something DH and I had gone through before a few years prior, I’ll get to that - I searched the username of the requested followers profile on my phone, to see who might be trying to follow my DH on a parallel version of instagram, and the person only has a one post, but it’s a body shot of them in a bra.

Here’s where my guard went up - a couple years back, I unearthed a separate Instagram account that DH had set up against my knowledge, a few months after the birth of our first dc, purely to follow what were essentially profiles of nothing but basically naked women. Some professional ‘model’ type accounts, but the majority were just general women who like to get their kit off frequently and pose in suggestively. The amount he was following was staggering (over 300 accounts of nothing but these 'sexy' profiles), and the deceit of doing something that seedy behind my back, massively pissed me off. He ended up deleting the account, and we put the situation to bed.

Upon seeing who this requested follower was, coupled with the fact the notification was from a parallel app, I decided to breezily ask DH about it. I simply said ‘oh while I was feeding the baby, your phone went off a few times, so I had a quick look and weirdly, there was a notification from a parallel app? What’s that?’. He went and got his phone off of charge, came back and went ‘uhhh, oh errr, it’s just an email and my mum tagging me on something on Facebook’ - completely ignoring the blatant IG notification that was sitting right there.
I told him I’d saw that it was an Instagram notification and again said that I thought it was weird he had a cloned account. He then sat there for a good 15 minutes acting confused and pulling ‘hmmm what IS this!??’ faces. I say acting, because I can tell when DH is pretending to be miffed about something when he actually knows the answer. He kept saying he didn’t know that he had a cloned account, that the notification must’ve been for his work Instagram account, despite the fact his work account is linked to his personal account so operate from the same, single app and notifications for both don’t appear as ‘parallel’ if that makes sense, they just show up as a good old regular Instagram notification.

I rarely get a chance to look at dhs phone for long, but I’m now wary he’s got another separate account - on this clone, parallel account - and being off of work, bored at home with me and the DC’s has caused him to start cataloguing a library of Instagram nude accounts again.

What do you think?

I use parallel space so I can use my personal and work accounts at the same time without having to swap between them.

I think it does have an incognito feature, but I'd assume you wouldn't get notifications on your main screen if you were using it?

As for the follow request, I get lots like that. Usually they're people flogging their onlyfans pages who send follow requests to all and sundry in the hope of getting them back and leading people to their subscription page.

Oh there's no point me asking to look at his phone, I know he wouldn't let me check it.
He'd call it an invasion of privacy and that I should 'just trust him' or 'I'm being ridiculous and making this all up'

If he's nothing to hide he wouldn't have an issue showing you... simple. IF I wasn't up to anything and my husband accused me of these types of things, yes I'd be pissed off but I'd have NO issue handing over my phone. If it put my husband at ease, I'd do it.

I also have a secret Instagram account for weight loss and fitness. I don't tell my husband about it because I don't want to be asked how my weight loss is going, I want to just get on with it.

So it could be something innocent, it could be something which is unacceptable in your eyes. Folk on the Internet are unlikely to know which it is, and will only be able to really advise you to ask him to show you his phone.

But if he refuses, which sounds likely given your last update, what are you going to do?

I’m a little confused here.

You seem to be saying you have no objection to him watching porn. Is it setting up a second SM account in secret or the fact he’s following women that is your issue ?

If it’s the second account thing, I agree he shouldn’t lie but it does sound like you were a little controlling in telling him he couldn’t have one. You seem to want to be in control of his masturbation and think he should only do it in a way you approve of. He’s looking at (semi) naked women as part of his masturbation and you’re making him feel sleazy about it. How is it really that much different to imagining that ? Out of interest, what do you think of / look at when you masturbate ?

Maybe he’s tried to avoid arguing his point and instead just continued how he wanted. He should have lied at all, but he’s entitled to a little self love without been made to feel guilty over it.

I don’t really use SM, but is it possible he had a second account to treat it like porn ? So he would want it private so as not to announce it to his other followers. Following them would be similar in a way to watching his fave porn repeatedly, rather than a new film each time ?

If you’re ok with porn (which many aren’t) I just don’t get the issue. In fact many would say this is preferable to porn (vulnerable, abused, trafficked women etc involved in porn rather than “normal” women looking for attention).

Or is it you are worried he’s trying to go further with these women ? Do you have evidence if this ? If he had 300 women on his past account it sounds more like a spank bank to me, rather than a way to meet women to cheat with.

@TigerQueenie but you don't get requests for public accounts though - which is what his work one is, it would've just come up as 'so and so has followed you'. I had a look online this morning and discovered there are various things you can do to the homepage on his phone which essentially hides all the cloned apps on a 'different' homepage, so even if I did try and look for the clones, chances are I'd never be able to find them.

He's sticking to his guns that he knew nothing about parallel apps, but his phone didn't come that way as standard so it's clearly something he's activated/set up at some point. He's adamant that request was for his work account, but I just asked him to show me the requested area for his work IG, and lo and behold, not only was there no request to be seen, there's no area for requested followers because it's a public account!

Ugh. I'm just sick of the lies. I'm sick of him being able to make me doubt myself each and every time my intuition rears it's ugly head. Now I'm questioning myself. That's not right, is it?

He has done this before and now he is doing this again. He does this too because he can and feels absolutely entitled to do so; its no reflection on you as a person. This is all on him and about him too.

Re your comment from your initial post:-
"He ended up deleting the account, and we put the situation to bed".

So less than three years further on there is another such account in existence. You put it to bed at the time, he did not. He has tried and failed to hide this from you better and he is really a crap liar. Ultimately you can choose to leave such an individual.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

@BluntAndToThePoint80 I'm not ok with porn, no. Something we discussed early on in our relationship, long before kids came along, and he told me outright he barely used it, but after hearing I wasn't okay with it, he definitely wouldn't use it. I then went on to find porn searches a few months later, a row ensued and he again, promised he wouldn't look at anything like that again (without me saying that should be the case), he didn't like upsetting me, he had my back etc etc blah blah blah. About a year later, the secret Instagram account was made, another row followed, he deleted the account. About a year after that, I found he'd been searching for naked photos of women on reddit who easily looked 20 years younger than him, queue another row. And now this.

Each and every time, he puts me at ease. Says he was 'just curious' he 'wasn't using it for masturbation purposes' was 'just bored and scrolling his phone while on the train to work'

It's the fact these 'men' assume us 'wimin' are thick as pig shit.
That's what always get me.
The lack of fucking respect for the fact we do have brains and we aren't friggin' stupid!!!
It's a massive insult to our intelligence.
WE KNOW!!! Come clean you knobhead!
Gggrrrrrrr.....

Ok so in simple terms is it his use of visual images to masturbate (whatever the source) or the secrecy of a second account ? Or both ?

He obviously should not be lying to you but I kind of think he should be allowed some privacy with respect to his fantasies if he wants it, without you dictating what is acceptable. Could he look at nude paintings for example, or maybe read 50 shades of grey ? Is he allowed to imagine others or just you ? What is acceptable to you in terms of his wanking ? Is he even allowed to do it at all ? I’m not trying to be difficult, but I don’t get what he’s allowed to do in your eyes in terms of this. And more importantly does he ? He seems to have stopped using “traditional” porn and moved into SM after you said porn is not acceptable to you. Is he possibly confused about your rules ?

@BluntAndToThePoint80 it's the lying, not so much what he's choosing to do, or look at. I hate deceit and I detest lying. I've caught him out in several lies whilst we've been together, ranging from big ones, to insignificant ones, and each and every time I make it clear that if he'd just been honest about whatever the issue/thing was in the first place, chances are I'd get over it pretty quickly. But when lies are introduced I lose the plot. There's no need for them. I respect honesty and expect that within a relationship, as we all should.

Also, I told him that there's a greater likelihood of the images on social media being from younger women, some of the searches on his reddit were blatantly of women around 20/21, and when I pointed that out to him, he said he felt disgusted and wouldn't use social media because he simply couldn't be sure of their ages. He's definitely not confused regarding social media. After the last separate account, I made my feelings clear and he went above and beyond to tell me how sorry he was, how awful he felt, he didn't realise the impact it would have etc, so to now be seemingly doing it again renders that heartfelt apology kind of pointless, doesn't it

If he doesn’t think it’s wrong he wouldn’t lie and pretend to be miffed. So he knows he’s overstepping the mark as he’s feeling the need to lie. This would bother me too OP as it’s just sleazy behaviour.

Fuck me scrolling in his phone at naked women in the train to work ? I would say he's got some kind of addiction going on that's no normal at all . I'm so sorry your dealing with this . I'm against porn big time I seriously think it should be banned it not healthy for anyone to look at . Sleazy and unrealistic. No wonder men are lacking in respect for women more and more. Personally I would leave my partner over this . It's disgusting and degrading . It would ruin the trust for me but time . What do toy think he would be like if you were searching and saving big hard dick pics on your phone and he came across an album of them ? Then you say it means nothing I was just bored sitting here when I was feeling the baby ? 😂 I can't believe the amount of threads I have seen since lock down with this type of stuff happening . And before anyone pipes up and say ahhhh it's just what men do . No it's not ! And it shouldn't be . We are really allowing it to happen

@SpellmansLuck I think it's unreasonable to demand that anyone (man or woman) never look at anyone else of the opposite sex ever again, everyone has sexual fantasies and needs that can't always be met by their partner. You say it's the deceit and lies that get to you but he's not allowed to do anything so of course he's going to lie about it. If neither of you are allowed to have your own private fanstasies you'll end up resenting eachother eventually and cheating.
I'm sure if this post said my husband has said I'm banned from ever looking at porn again he'd be branded controlling and you should leave him but because it's the other way around he's a vile sleaze and you should leave him...

@BluntAndToThePoint80 100%

The clue was when you asked at the beginning and he said "he barely used it". Which basically means he uses it but for the purpose of this conversation is minimising the frequency as he doesn't want to lose a relationship over it. He knew your feelings right then, and from that point on the message he got was he needs to hide it from you.
At the end of the day, if a man watches porn before you get together, he's not going to stop because you don't like it, he's just going to try harder not to get caught out. MN is full of disappointed women who have tried and failed to control its use.
He's proved that he can't or won't stop, your only option is to consider if it's a deal-breaker or something you can live with, but don't expect him to promise to stop as you will just be setting yourself up for more lies.
My ex liked to frequently masturbate to it, would I prefer he didn't? Yes. Would I ask I'm not to? No because it's an unrealistic expectation. So I'd get told when and what sometimes - we were very open about discussing. Sometimes, I'd take the Mick, sometimes I'd subtly remind him of the shit lives these women must of had to lead them into it. Most men know that it's not real, just fantasy, probably harmless to them and could be seen as harmless for your relationship, but is most harm for the women in it.

I would say this is suspicious.

A few years back my husband used that webcam sites and basically paid to watch women do all sorts.. this is something I have worked really hard on getting over and I’m
Still not over it 3 years on. Since then he has done 1 or 2 things similar and he’s always denied it and I’ve showed him proof. It’s the lying that is the worst and the fact they try to make you the crazy one.

My husband has Instagram but he doesn’t follow any women but on his search there is always 1 or 2. This parallel app you have mentioned is really interesting and something I’m going to look into as it would not surprise me if he uses that. Thanks for sharing and I hope your ok.

@Throwmeabone do you check who he follows and check his phone for who he searches?? Does he just not follow females by coincidence or is he not allowed? What about females friends would that be ok?

@peach1234 my point is peach, if he's going to do it, at least have the balls to be honest about it. He knows that no matter what we go through, every single time, I'd prefer the truth over a lie that's supposed to 'spare my feelings'.
If you've been caught out, fess up, it's not that hard to be a decent human.

With the reddit incident, he tried telling me that 'his phone must've been hacked' and that's how the searches were in his search bar. He then tried telling me that it must be a fault on Reddit's end and the porn searches were just miraculously appearing in his history. Rather than being like 'shit yep, sorry, I had a quick look' he comes up with elaborate, nonsense, barefaced lies instead of just being real. It fucks me off no end and makes me feel so stupid, because he becomes so adamant and insistent with these lies, that I end up struggling to remember the actual truth.

What a fucking lying piece of shit

@peach1234 I absolutely check his phone and who he searches. The pain he put me through years ago and the unworthiness I still feel now, I have a right to know what he’s upto. If you disagree then you have never been hurt and lied to numerous times

He can follow females and female friends.. just not ones with their tits and fanny out. I think that’s understandable.

@peach1234 And @Opentooffers have pretty much summed up my response to your updates.

I’m personally not sure why you’re so invested in his spank bank. Every time he’s tried to adapt his practices to take into account what your problem is, you’ve come up with a new one. Porn is exploitative so he’s moved onto SM, but then you Don’t like what he’s searching for and think people are lying about their ages...

I’d not personally find his use of pictures a deal breaker, but I would have found your attitude one. I’d have not put my OH in a position where he felt he had to lie about it (although I’m not justifying his lying - he should have not made promises he wasn’t going to keep).

You need to decide if his use of imagery in masturbation is a deal breaker for you or if you can adopt a “don’t ask, don’t tell” type of policy with him being discrete. Although I do think his Masturbation is a private thing for him and unless he wants your input you should stay out of it. He’s clearly going to continue, so your choice is to stay out of it and not question him on it as long as he’s discrete, or leave.

Just out of interest, what material can he safely use to masturbate in your opinion ? Or is he not allowed to masturbate at all ? I’ve asked a few times and you’ve not answered ?

Men look at porn, that's all there is to it. Porn encompasses films, small clips, photos, models IG and other social content account where risque stuff is uploaded, it's not just film anymore.

Some partners are okay with it, some aren't. You're obviously not. The fact that he is hiding it from you, lying to you, and getting angry with you, means he realises you're not okay with it, and he's doing it anyway. So you have two choices, ignore it and leave him to his obvious little wankfest, or throw him out. If he's done this before, and he's doing it again, then he's not gonna change. If you can't handle that, then you have to walk away. It's not nice, but there it is.

He likes to see images of scantily clad and naked women. I think that's just what it is.

You telling him you don't approve of it, isn't going to make him stop...he'll just hide it better.

As far as he's concerned...what you don't know won't hurt you and he promised to stop it, because that's what you wanted.

Spot on throwmeabone the only reason why I check my phone is because he hurt me with something he said he would never do and says he will never do it again . Trust is broken I want to know if he's doing it again so I would leave rather than finding out in years to come that all along he's not stopped and Iv wasted my life with a liar