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Original poster

Facebook posts and relationship status - ridiculous and trivial or reasonable?

36 replies

Lemononachair · 28/04/2020 13:17

Bf has a real hatred of social media, although he has a FB page he rarely uses it and has no other social media (instagram, etc). He says he would have deleted it a long time ago but his ex didn’t want him to.

I have been feeling slightly irritated that although we have been in a relationship for 6 months now that he seems reluctant to be ‘open’ about it on either my or his social media. He asked me not to change my relationship status just yet, or at least to keep in private in the settings as he isn’t ready yet.

In some ways I totally understand that he prefers to keep his personal life private and not broadcast everything to the world but I also know that part of it is the fact that there wasn’t a very big gap between his last break up and us beginning our relationship. NOTE* I was NOT the OW, they had broken up when we got together but it was only a few months later. He feels sure that she is not over it yet and would be upset if I posted pictures of us together on days out, etc. He knows that she and her family have looked on my FB page so she would see it if I did. I do understand this too as when I broke up with my exH I was the same and out of respect to his feelings I didn’t post anything about my new bf when I got one for quite a while.

On the other hand, I have a lot of friends and family members all around the world and FB is one of the few ways I can keep in touch with them and share what’s happening in my life. The last few years for me have been, quite frankly, hell on earth and I feel that it would be really nice for my friends and family who have seen me struggle now see that I am happy and life is going well. He is a part of that, it’s not that I want to show off how ‘So in luuuuurve’ I am because I don’t really do that and I don’t like taking selfies. It’s literally just updates about where we’ve been or things we’ve done, and maybe the odd landscape shot that he is in that I want to share. I just want my partner to be visible in my life.

I feel slightly ridiculous making an issue of such a silly thing as posting on social media. He is reluctant to appear in anything on social media, even his own page so who am I to say he should or he has to? It does make me feel a bit ‘hidden away’ for him not to be though, no matter how much I understand his reasons. I’ve not worded this very well but does anyone else get what I mean?

I do also know that I could block his ex so she can’t see anything but that just feels a little bit mean as I don’t bear her any ill will at all!

OP posts:
itaintthatdeeep · 28/04/2020 13:22

Are you in a relationship with him? Yes then why does the world have to know?
I guess the people who are important to you know.

He's being tactful, be grateful for it because you in time could be the ex and would you like him putting up his next all over the place.

Or it could be that your not the only one.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/04/2020 13:25

He says he would have deleted it a long time ago but his ex didn’t want him to.

So not only was he a pushover while he was with the ex (and I mean, really?) but even though they broke up nearly a year ago he still thinks her delicate little feelings are more important than yours.

He gets to choose what appears on his FB page. He doesn't get to choose what appears on yours. He can prevent himself from being tagged.

If he really dislikes social media then why does he still have an account?

He's either a massive doormat or a bloody liar.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/04/2020 13:27

you in time could be the ex and would you like him putting up his next all over the place.

Why would she give the remotest shit? Who on earth stays friends with their ex on facebook after the split?!

merryhouse · 28/04/2020 13:40

she and her family have looked on my facebook page Shock

So she already knows about you? Have you ever met? I'm not sure why she would be looking on her ex's girlfriend's facebook page if seeing pictures of her ex on there would upset her...

You don't need to block her. Just put your settings on friends only.

Original poster
Lemononachair · 28/04/2020 13:42

He is not friends with his ex on FB but she can still see things on his page if she searches for him. Mine too. As I said I do understand, my ex left me for OW and within days was splashing posts all over social media with her in and it did hurt. A lot.

This is why I feel conflicted @itaintthatdeeep! Because him and I both know the status of our relationship and that’s all that matters really, why does anyone need to know? I think tbh it’s partly because since social media became a ‘thing’ I’ve had 2 long term relationships. In both of them we never really went anywhere or did anything together, never took photos of each other or took photos together. One was virtually agoraphobic, the other a workaholic so we never had ‘dates’ as such and when I became single I said to myself that I would start doing things and going places even if I had to do it on my own. Now I finally have someone who I can do things with and it still looks like I’m alone judging by the stuff I share. I found it really sad looking back over all my memories and pictures that none of my partners were in them. That’s the thing about social media is for me it is almost a virtual photo album too, somewhere I can store all my stuff. I would just like him to be present in there.

I would be fine with not tagging him in things. I have no issue with him deleting his own account too if he wants to do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemononachair · 28/04/2020 13:45

@merryhouse, my settings already are on friends only I think, plus I haven’t posted anything about him so there really wouldn’t be much to see at the moment!

I havent met her but we have some mutual friends. I have no issue with her whatsoever. I also understand the looking at your ex’s new gf’s page, I’ve done it myself. God knows why, it was like torture, in the end I blocked her to rid myself of the temptation.

OP posts:
category12 · 28/04/2020 13:46

Something funky about this.

You should be able to post pics of you together etc, it's really no big deal. Or shouldn't be.

overweightcat · 28/04/2020 13:49

How long have you been together?

If they broke up "months" before you were an item and you've been together a while too I don't understand what the hang up is? Surely after such an amount of time there's no reason for him to be taking an exs feelings into consideration when it comes to something so trivial?

Unless he's still harbouring feelings not her and he doesn't want to ruin chances of reuniting in the future ?

Aerial2020 · 28/04/2020 13:55

It's your fb page so you should be able to post what you like. He shouldn't really be bothered about it if you're in a relationship people know about. Can understand if he doesn't want to on his page though.
I don't share any of my own relationship stuff on my own page as I like to keep that area of my life private off social media (for my own reasons) but people would know in real life. I find the couples that are ott with it all quite nauseating.
Not that would you would be ott I mean.
What I mean is, do what you like with your page and let him do what he wants with his. People use social media in different ways.
Forget his ex
She's really not important.

Hoggleludo · 28/04/2020 14:01

I'm not in social media. As in Facebook. Twitter or instagram and I would HATE for someone to tag me in a relationship status

It's private. I don't give 2 hoots who knows what's going on in my life

I'm perfectly happy. I don't need to blast it anywhere. Those who love me know who I am with. No one else needs to know.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/04/2020 14:03

I was with an ex for nearly 6 years - I don't think I changed my status at all. Just kept it as 'separated'
This would not bother me at all.

category12 · 28/04/2020 14:07

It wouldn't bother you at all that your boyfriend said not to put up pictures of him or you together? Really?

litterbird · 28/04/2020 14:11

My boyfriend and I do not post on FB about our relationship at all. We've been together for 9 months. No one knows our private life and thats the way we keep it. We know we are together, our friends and family know we are together. You need to just focus on your relationship outside of the social media. Take lots of photos on your camera and get them put into a book form. Then you have the memory. I find the people that post the most photos of themselves and their beloveds are the ones having the worst relationships. The ones who keep quiet I know are doing ok.

Menora · 28/04/2020 14:14

It would bother me in the context of all the reasons he has given relate to his ex yes
This isn’t as simple as just doesn’t do social media is it

category12 · 28/04/2020 14:14

Yes, but isn't that you choosing not to? It's a bit different someone saying not to post about them and for the reason given.

AlternativePerspective · 28/04/2020 14:18

I think that the relationship status and pictures are two separate issues.

I’m not even sure if my relationship status is on FB,I know it’s not on my front page of my profile but it’s never really occurred to me to change it because people who need to know, know.

Having said that,OP if you want to change your relationship status then you can change it to “in a relationship” without having to tag the person you’re in a relationship with.

I generally shy away from having any pictures of me on the internet, but there does seem something quite off about someone actively telling you to not take pictures of the two of you and put them on FB because of how his ex might feel.

All he has to do is change his privacy settings to friends only and you do the same and she won’t see them.

I’d be inclined to wonder how over they really are or whether he actually still has feelings for her.

Cantpickausername5 · 28/04/2020 14:21

Id have no problems with him not updating his fb account, that's his choice and completely up to him but I'd be concerned if I was told not to update my own account as that's my business. For the sake of arguments though Could you set your privacy to friends only and than upload. That way only people in your friends list can see what you put up. I think that is a good compromise

Lilolily · 28/04/2020 14:21

I understand OP, I think it depends on how you live your life. I’m a talker, I live my life publicly and have extended friends and family that I use Facebook to connect with.

Having said that, I wouldn’t change my status until I was sure something was exclusive and for keeps.

Having said THAT, I just found out that my exclusive, for keeps boyfriend who asked me not to post anything or tag him because his ex wife didn’t yet know, has actually had another girlfriend, so....

SimonJT · 28/04/2020 14:25

I only have instagram, I have put one picture on there that includes him (with his permission), he hasn’t put any of me on his social media as I haven’t given him permission to share photos of me.

Surely only kids plaster their ‘relationships’ all over social media?

category12 · 28/04/2020 14:44

OP's not talking about plastering her relationship all over social media: she's talking about putting up occasional shots of days out that he might be in and updates about her life without having to falsely exclude mention of him. And all this to avoid upsetting an ex? Really?

fuckoffImcounting · 28/04/2020 15:43

It does sound a bit dodgy - like he wants the world to think he is single.

MizMoonshine · 28/04/2020 15:49

The red flag for me is that he says he isn't ready. That's a very specific thing to say. If he's not ready for people to know he's in a relationship then why does he feel he's ready for a relationship? What's the difference?

It sounds like you're being hidden. There's someone or someones that he wants to continue to appear single to.

Treacletoots · 28/04/2020 15:52

She's his ex. You are supposed to be his current girlfriend.

The fact he's doing something to apparently keep her happy at your expense tells me either:

He's scared of her, and doesn't like conflict and still feels like he has to appease her feelings. When I kicked out my exH, for a very short while I didn't block him and even refriended him after he asked me too, I was so used to placating him (lasted 48 hours before I gave myself a very strong talking to and blocked him, and his friends and family from all channels)
Or
He wants the world to think he's still single.

Either way, he's strongly signalling that you are not his priority, and that in itself would be enough to make me end it. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Take notice as to what people DO not what they SAY.

Opentooffers · 28/04/2020 15:57

It's trivial, it's FB, where everyone embellishes and shows off, not real life, hence my short reply 🙄

RealFun · 28/04/2020 17:31

Facebook is unbelievably tedious. 95% of it is self-advertisement - look at me, look where I am, look I'm in a relationship, look at me I made a cake, look at my "catchphrase" politics, look at me, me, me!

Why anyone would post their "relationship status" on a public forum like that just shows how "up themselves" and show-offy everyone has become!

I think if I wanted to let people in my life I was happy in my new relationship I'd visit them, call them, email them or write them a letter, in other words "engage" with them.

I completely understand someone's disliking of being posted about or tagged without their permission!