Facebook posts and relationship status - ridiculous and trivial or reasonable?

[Lemononachair]

Bf has a real hatred of social media, although he has a FB page he rarely uses it and has no other social media (instagram, etc). He says he would have deleted it a long time ago but his ex didn’t want him to.

I have been feeling slightly irritated that although we have been in a relationship for 6 months now that he seems reluctant to be ‘open’ about it on either my or his social media. He asked me not to change my relationship status just yet, or at least to keep in private in the settings as he isn’t ready yet.

In some ways I totally understand that he prefers to keep his personal life private and not broadcast everything to the world but I also know that part of it is the fact that there wasn’t a very big gap between his last break up and us beginning our relationship. NOTE* I was NOT the OW, they had broken up when we got together but it was only a few months later. He feels sure that she is not over it yet and would be upset if I posted pictures of us together on days out, etc. He knows that she and her family have looked on my FB page so she would see it if I did. I do understand this too as when I broke up with my exH I was the same and out of respect to his feelings I didn’t post anything about my new bf when I got one for quite a while.

On the other hand, I have a lot of friends and family members all around the world and FB is one of the few ways I can keep in touch with them and share what’s happening in my life. The last few years for me have been, quite frankly, hell on earth and I feel that it would be really nice for my friends and family who have seen me struggle now see that I am happy and life is going well. He is a part of that, it’s not that I want to show off how ‘So in luuuuurve’ I am because I don’t really do that and I don’t like taking selfies. It’s literally just updates about where we’ve been or things we’ve done, and maybe the odd landscape shot that he is in that I want to share. I just want my partner to be visible in my life.

I feel slightly ridiculous making an issue of such a silly thing as posting on social media. He is reluctant to appear in anything on social media, even his own page so who am I to say he should or he has to? It does make me feel a bit ‘hidden away’ for him not to be though, no matter how much I understand his reasons. I’ve not worded this very well but does anyone else get what I mean?

I do also know that I could block his ex so she can’t see anything but that just feels a little bit mean as I don’t bear her any ill will at all!

I’m not on fb, haven’t been for years.....it was all drivel. I don’t need to tell everyone where I’ve ‘checked into’ see the cocktail I’m drinking etc.....it’s so boring

On the other hand, other people do enjoy Facebook and do use it to keep in touch with far-flung family, and the snobbery about FB and social media generally on MN is quite tedious and hypocritical .

It's his reason being the ex that's concerning.

This wouldn't worry me. I know plenty of married women who never post pics of their husbands. Some people just like to keep their private life private.

I have to agree with category12, the snobbery around SM can get quite tedious. Use it, don't use it, whatever floats your boat. Some people like using it to keep in touch, some people would rather not.

If the BF doesnt want to post on FB, thats his choice. But its not right to tell the OP what she can and cant post on hers. It sounds pretty suspicious to me, actually.

I don’t think his ex is the only factor, in fact I think that’s just an add on as it’s the part thats the easiest to deal with (ie, block her or restrict to friends only so she can’t see anything). It’s mainly the fact that he doesn’t like FB or pictures of himself. I don’t want to post anything unflattering or humiliating, nothing lovey dovey or embarrassing - I literally just want to be able to say ‘Yes I was here with X’ or post pictures that he is in.

Happy to not tag him. Happy to just put ‘in a relationship’ and not say who with as if he deletes his profile it won’t show up anyway. I just want him to be ok with me doing these things and not do it against his will.

I agree with @funnylittlefloozie.
People use Social media in different ways.
His ex is not important to you. As in, you can post whatever you like. And he can choose not to if he wants.
Half the time are other people really going to care? If the photos are for you & your friends than stick to that. If he is being weird about it, other stuff will soon come up to add to that and you'll know the reason why.

If your settings are friends only then it’s only profile photo that’s visible? You can even choose to hide that

My mum has a FB profile, but doesn’t post - and I wouldn’t include a photo of her in any of my posts - because I know she doesn’t want to appear online. Can you update your friends and family using a different medium and would he agree to that?

Could you not send private messages of your photos to friends and family around the world?

ExH and I split three years ago. Have been in a relationship for the last two and still haven't posted anything about him on social media. I also despise being tagged or linked to posts without my permission. Some people just really don't like social media - maybe that's it with him?

Just reread OP and of course that's it with him

I therefore think you have to respect that and not post about him. And I do get that he wants to be respectful to ex. I've seen some people get into new relationships very quickly on social media and I do wonder how the ex must feel, in addition to feeling a bit odd that I know so much about acquaintances.

However, the red flag is that he didn't delete social media because ex didn't want him to. Assuming that is true, why hasnt he deleted it now? Also, if he does delete it then I think you have to recognise that he doesn't want a social media presence and not undermine that on your own page.

I'm in a relationship and don't feel the need to show it off to the world on FB or social media. That's my choice.

Saying that, your OH seems out of order about controlling your choice to put things on FB. The fact it is all surrounding what his ex might think is irrelevant. She should be irrelevant to him now he is in a relationship with you. Unless he wants to maintain a veneer of being single.