Please reassure me I’ve done the right thing

[lurker2003]

Hi, for context I’m now 21 and he’s 24.
So yesterday I finally left my boyfriend for good, we’ve been together for 2 years since I was 19 and he was 22, he proposed very early and we’ve had issues the whole way through due to his behaviour.
These issues include him regularly escalating tiny issues into something big, and then carrying on to the point of threatening to break up with me, saying he doesn’t love me until the point of me crying. Everytime he does this he blames it on being sexually abused when he was ten, I appreciate that this was awful for him but he uses it as an excuse for everything.
He once caused a problem from my male friend doing my shoelace for me, my friend had untied it joking around, so he retied it for me, this escalated into him accusing me of cheating on him with said friend?
When we were on holiday he causes an argument over literally nothing, and then proceeded to rip some of my money in half, said I was worse than his ex who cheated on him and physically abused him, ignored me for 10 hours and then claimed to not remember anything because “he’d had too much to drink”. I’d drank the same amount and remember everything.
He’s accused me of cheating multiple times.
He’s threatened to break up with me if I left the flat.
He used silence as a way to control the situation, has ignored me for days at a time knowing it makes my anxiety awful.
He’d break up with me and then backtrack and say that’s not what he meant and that I jumped to conclusions.
We had a chat about saving for a flat after uni and both agreed on how much we’d save from each student finance instalment and from our wages to ensure we’d have enough to move into a flat. Early on when I’d saved £1000 he only had £250 because he’d spent that much of his savings on random crap, think xbox games, an Apple Watch, a new Alexa, all stuff he didn’t need.
I’m general he made me feel crap a lot of the time, with little sly remarks he’d make, little digs, comments he knew would hurt me. He made me block certain people out of my life who he didn’t want me talking to.
He’d fly into aggressive rages, screaming, throwing stuff across the flat, he threatened to piss into my water bottle once because he thought I had locked myself in the bathroom, when in fact the door was unlocked and I wasn’t even in the flat.
He also has a phone bill under my name which he’d threaten not to pay as a way to control the situation.
Everytime he causes a problem he’ll link it back to something that happened in his past, being sexually abused, his ex hitting on him, his ex cheating on him etc.
Yesterday I returned to my flat (as I still pay rent there and I’d been at my mums for a month after the last time he kicked off, which resulted in him throwing something across the room which would have hit me if I hadn’t have moved, he also had me cornered in the bathroom screaming at me saying it’s my fault he acts this way).
After being in the flat for not even five minutes I knew I didn’t want to be there. I instantly felt sick and my stomach felt off, and I realised in that moment I couldn’t carry on anymore, it’s worn me down emotionally. I’m always waiting for the next time he kicks off. As soon as I said I was leaving because I couldn’t do it anymore he starts yelling and screaming and trying to throw my belongings out of the flat.
In the 5 minutes it took me to walk to the train station he’s rang me at least 30 times, sent nasty texts and sent me threats. I know my decision was 100% correct but I’m still having doubts, and just really need some reassurance that it will never be a healthy relationship.

You've had a narrow escape. The next girlfirend might not be so lucky. He is in serious need of help and I hope he goes and gets some before he seriously harms someone, or himself.

@CHIRIBAYA I genuinely hope he gets some help, I’m worried about his future girlfriend. He knows exactly the right things to say to make you stay, I wasted 2 years, but I can see how someone would stay even longer.

@lurker2003

Just to pick up on what you said about knowing he could be nice: "I think because I knew he could be nice that made me hold on for longer. And I always hoped it would go back to being nice. I always hoped he’d change for me, and I know that’s unreasonable and not something that’s possible for him, but I still hoped he would. It was also my first proper relationship too, so a lot of things I thought were normal, I only realised they weren’t after speaking to friends."

I completely understand you hankering after the nice behaviour. However, even abusers treat their partners well some of the time because no-one will tolerate being mistreated all the time. Indeed, in an abusive relationship, the cycle of ecstacy and misery can become addictive because abusers can lovebomb like there's no tomorrow and the loving behaviour seems particularly precious when contrasted against the abusive behaviour and comes as such a relief. Really, the biggest test of a healthy and fulfilling relationship is not how good it is when things are going well - it's how awful it is when things are going badly.

Anyway, it's great to see that you are determined not to let this man back into your life and are putting in hand steps to protect yourself if he remains a problem (e.g. evidence for a non-molestation order if need be; sorting out the phone etc).

Good for you. Onwards and upwards!

Until you added that he had bpd I was going to ask if you'd considered that!
Yeh run a mile and don't ever ever look back OP
And have a look at the forums BPD family and Out of the fog, they may help
Oh and just forget the money he owes you. It will only be a tie to him and you need to stop every single tie

He sounds like a clever and archetypal abuser, not necessarily with Mental Health issues. He was skilled at controlling you and you are absolutely brilliant to have broken free. You must have amazing resilience.

Oh wow, if ever you are wondering whether you've done the right thing, just re-read your OP! He sounds really awful.

Your friend is kind of correct about the phone bill but if he misses 1 payment it will affect your credit rating, not hugely but it will impact as you'll show 1 late payment.

I would ring the phone company now and cancel the contract or get a block on the number because he will definitely run up a huge bill.

If you cancel the contract they will want you to pay for the rest of the contract but that is a small thing to finally be rid of him.

Also the tenancy on the flat, who's name is that in?
If joint ring the landlord as your ex might not pay the rent and you'll be liable.

@SortingItOut he’s the main occupant, I’m just an added tenant, my contract says £0.00, and I checked with the manager at reception and I’m not liable for any of the rent anyway. If he chose not to pay it would be on him.

You've absolutely done the right thing. He's dangerous.

There seems to be an epidemic of mental health issues in men atm

Also abusers use it as an excuse, and often lie about conditions they have or experiences they had etc. If they do have mental health problems they will exaggerate them when an excuse is needed.

@lurker2003 As PP's have said, I bet he maybe lied in part about his 'crazy/abusive ex-girlfriends.' They probably would describe it differently, and experienced similar behaviour from him as you did.

The suicide threats etc are part of their manipulation. If anyone ever says that then just call an ambulance.

@lurker2003
That's great about the tenancy, one less thing to worry about.

Well done getting out! Fantastic positive decision and you will feel stronger every day. Be proud of yourself, it's hard to get to that stage but you've done it and you are away!

Do you have other joint bills.
TV licence , Netflixs, insurances.
If so call and stop them.
Think of it as the rent payments you don't pay will help cover what you can't get out off.
When if your phone contract due.
It may be cheaper to pay that one off, and use the new one.

@mummmy2017 It’s a student flat so I paid my half (£1200) which covers until the end of August, directly from my student finance at the start of April. We didn’t have a TV licence because we just watched things online, we were using my mums Netflix and I’ve already logged him out of that and insurance was included with the flat so that’s all good.
It will be in his interest to pay for the phone contract right now, he doesn’t have enough money to buy a new phone and he’ll want his phone to contact people. I offered to take the phone and change the payment details over whilst I was at the flat, and he said no because he needed the phone.

It’s annoying that I feel so shit and anxious about the situation, I know I’ve done the right thing and that I cant carry on living like that. But there’s still that horrible sinking feeling in my stomach at the moment.

You don't deserve a life always trying to second guess him.
Your month with your mum has shown you the truth.

Can you afford to take the financial hit if he refuses to pay the phone bill? Short term can you just call the network provider and tell them to brick the phone?

@Stronger76 I think they’d just scrap the airtime and I’d just have to pay for the handset itself which is just over £600 left I think? I can afford to take it out my savings but I’d prefer not to. I’m going to give them a ring to get back into the o2 account so i know whether he’s paying it or not. And I think I’ll be best waiting until the first month he doesn’t pay to try and decrease the prices as much as possible.

I'd get a copy of my credit report if I was you. Just to check he hasn't taken any credit out in your name.

Well done you for leaving it’s hard but you’ve done it.

I’ve been in a similar situation with someone trying to control me money wise with a phone contract and my advice is to ring the provider, block anything he can add to the bill I.e international calls, premium rate calls, gambling where it adds the cost to the phone bill etc etc because trust me he WILL do it. My ex did it, he downloaded a betting app or a gambling one I’m not quite sure which it was and you could add a maximum of £30 a day to the bill. He downloaded it at 11.55pm and added £30, then again after 12. Never saw a penny back and I had to pay the contract off before I could end it. My provider said if I cancelled I would end up paying the same amount anyway but it would be due in a lump sum rather than monthly which was more affordable for me.

Ring the provider and explain the situation and I’d block the phone from making out going and receiving incoming calls and texts and also black list the phone so it can’t be used with another SIM card. But sorry to say but you’ll have to cut your losses with the phone unless you block his SIM card, request a new sim, change the number and have a family member take over the contract on pay you for it?

He sounds vile and your well rid

I wouldn’t even leave it to chance that he would pay for it, Your much better off paying for it than having defaults on your credit file

I always feel worse at night when it’s quiet and I only have my thoughts. I have this horrible anxious feeling in my chest because he’s not tried to get in contact with me, and I know I shouldn’t want anything to do with him, I’m aware he’s a vile person. I think because we were best friends before we were together I feel like I’ve not only lost my relationship but my best friend aswell.
I’m aware me feeling this way is stupid because of everything he’s done but that’s just how I feel right now.

It's possibly traumatic bonding, op. And you're bound to miss him or the good times/what you thought you had. But he's not the person you thought he was.

So it'll hurt and you need to sit with those feelings and allow yourself to grieve for it. But it will pass, and it doesn't mean that you have made a mistake. You'll get through it.

What you have done is amazing! People who have not been in that situation will not realise the courage it takes to walk away! You have 100% done the right thing! Live your life, enjoy your life, go out with friends and know you deserve so much more! You are not responsible for him or his behaviour. You should still phone the phone company just for clarification.
You should be so proud of leaving and talking about what was happening! I think it’s normal to need reassurance when coming out of an abusive relationship but you have done the right thing, block all contact and if you do not need to go back to the flat don’t go, if you do take a friend or your mum. Stay safe x ❤️

You did the right thing!

I doubt anyone will still be reading this but I’m feeling proud of myself. He started again via emailing threatening to not pay the phone contract if I didn’t speak to him. So I rang up o2 paid the phone off in full, and blocked the phone and sim so he’s unable to use it. After realising the phone is now useless to him I’ve managed to get him to agree to sending me the phone. I can then ring o2 back up to get the phone unblocked, so I can sell the phone back and get a good chunk of the money back!