Please reassure me I’ve done the right thing

[lurker2003]

Hi, for context I’m now 21 and he’s 24.
So yesterday I finally left my boyfriend for good, we’ve been together for 2 years since I was 19 and he was 22, he proposed very early and we’ve had issues the whole way through due to his behaviour.
These issues include him regularly escalating tiny issues into something big, and then carrying on to the point of threatening to break up with me, saying he doesn’t love me until the point of me crying. Everytime he does this he blames it on being sexually abused when he was ten, I appreciate that this was awful for him but he uses it as an excuse for everything.
He once caused a problem from my male friend doing my shoelace for me, my friend had untied it joking around, so he retied it for me, this escalated into him accusing me of cheating on him with said friend?
When we were on holiday he causes an argument over literally nothing, and then proceeded to rip some of my money in half, said I was worse than his ex who cheated on him and physically abused him, ignored me for 10 hours and then claimed to not remember anything because “he’d had too much to drink”. I’d drank the same amount and remember everything.
He’s accused me of cheating multiple times.
He’s threatened to break up with me if I left the flat.
He used silence as a way to control the situation, has ignored me for days at a time knowing it makes my anxiety awful.
He’d break up with me and then backtrack and say that’s not what he meant and that I jumped to conclusions.
We had a chat about saving for a flat after uni and both agreed on how much we’d save from each student finance instalment and from our wages to ensure we’d have enough to move into a flat. Early on when I’d saved £1000 he only had £250 because he’d spent that much of his savings on random crap, think xbox games, an Apple Watch, a new Alexa, all stuff he didn’t need.
I’m general he made me feel crap a lot of the time, with little sly remarks he’d make, little digs, comments he knew would hurt me. He made me block certain people out of my life who he didn’t want me talking to.
He’d fly into aggressive rages, screaming, throwing stuff across the flat, he threatened to piss into my water bottle once because he thought I had locked myself in the bathroom, when in fact the door was unlocked and I wasn’t even in the flat.
He also has a phone bill under my name which he’d threaten not to pay as a way to control the situation.
Everytime he causes a problem he’ll link it back to something that happened in his past, being sexually abused, his ex hitting on him, his ex cheating on him etc.
Yesterday I returned to my flat (as I still pay rent there and I’d been at my mums for a month after the last time he kicked off, which resulted in him throwing something across the room which would have hit me if I hadn’t have moved, he also had me cornered in the bathroom screaming at me saying it’s my fault he acts this way).
After being in the flat for not even five minutes I knew I didn’t want to be there. I instantly felt sick and my stomach felt off, and I realised in that moment I couldn’t carry on anymore, it’s worn me down emotionally. I’m always waiting for the next time he kicks off. As soon as I said I was leaving because I couldn’t do it anymore he starts yelling and screaming and trying to throw my belongings out of the flat.
In the 5 minutes it took me to walk to the train station he’s rang me at least 30 times, sent nasty texts and sent me threats. I know my decision was 100% correct but I’m still having doubts, and just really need some reassurance that it will never be a healthy relationship.

@strawberry2017 thank you!!

@Ulver He’d been on Fluoxetine for a month and seemed to be acting nicer over texts and phone calls which is why I tried to give it another ago. But the whole time he was taking them he told me he was doing it for me? Which I don’t think is right, if you’re not doing it for yourself what’s the point?

Sorry to drip feed, but he’s also threatened to kill himself and send me his suicide note more than once

This is typical abusive behaviour. It's called "the script". It's just a bloody tactic to scare you and keep you in line.
If he sends threatening messages then phone the police and tell them.

@LittleViolets I’ve told my mum everything and she’s glad that I’m home. All my friends are shocked because they thought he was nice, and they’re also upset they didn’t realise what he was like but that’s not their fault anyway!

Around 2 months ago when he’d caused an issue again, because he owed me money and still hadn’t paid me back (he still owes me over £200 but I don’t expect to get that back) and I ended up going back to my mums then. Whilst I was there he was telling me he was getting a restraining order on me because he was “scared of me”. I know realise that he was doing that to turn his issues around on me, and try and make me out to be the bad person.

This may help with cancelling the phone contract

www.google.com/amp/s/www.uswitch.com/mobiles/guides/cancelling-your-mobile-contract-early/amp/

"I’m general he made me feel crap a lot of the time, with little sly remarks he’d make, little digs, comments he knew would hurt me. He made me block certain people out of my life who he didn’t want me talking to.
He’d fly into aggressive rages, screaming, throwing stuff across the flat, he threatened to piss into my water bottle once because he thought I had locked myself in the bathroom, when in fact the door was unlocked and I wasn’t even in the flat.
He also has a phone bill under my name which he’d threaten not to pay as a way to control the situation."

You have absolutely done the right thing. You were in an abusive relationship. I'm terribly sorry to hear he was abused at age 10 (assuming that's true) but that doesn't give him licence to abuse other people, whereas he's just using it as an excuse for truly vile behaviour and deliberately avoiding opportunities to work on his difficulties.

You've done really well to get out but I think it is important that you do some work on yourself to understand why you tolerated this treatment for any length of time at all. It was never your job to fix him (you're not his parent) and actually it's really important for him to learn that the consequence of treating people appallingly is that you lose them. So, as another PP flagged, my concern is why you are asking whether or not you have done the right thing.

What did you learn about relationships growing up? In a healthy romantic partnership you will feel contented, safe and secure all the time. Sure you and your partner might annoy each other and row from time to time, but the conflict should be basically respectful and resolved quickly and should never take the form of one partner terrorising the other (which is what you have described).

The fact that he made you feel crap a lot of the time meant that this relationship was wrong for you. So you need to look into why you continued to plan a future with this man when being with him was so clearly detrimental to your well-being. You need to massively raise the bar on the treatment which you will accept in a relationship.

I suggest reading "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. People also recommend the Freedom Programme.

Op you are not responsible for his behaviour. He is. If he wants to have a healthy relationship he needs to put the work in. He also is responsible for how he deals with the ending of this relationship.

Well done on ending it. Every relationship teaches us something so reflect on what you can learn from it. I’d like to gently suggest that given how you describe it, the red flags were there early on and if you’d been more experienced, you would have ended it much earlier.

But we’ve all been there and we all learn.
Good luck with sorting the phone out

lurker2003 oh absolutely! A restraining order on you?! What a tosser. I am glad your mum knows.

When I was 21 I got involved with an abusive guy, thankfully I dumped him quite quickly but he harassed and stalked me for awhile until I told him I'd get the police involved.

Block all contact with him, don't respond to anything (as tempting as that may be) and keep talking to your loved ones. My mum was a wonderful support during that time for me.

@MostlyHappyMummy thank you!!

@Dery I think because I knew he could be nice that made me hold on for longer. And I always hoped it would go back to being nice. I always hoped he’d change for me, and I know that’s unreasonable and not something that’s possible for him, but I still hoped he would. It was also my first proper relationship too, so a lot of things I thought were normal, I only realised they weren’t after speaking to friends.

@Rainbowqueeen thank you so much!

@LittleViolets I’m going to keep him blocked. Yeah he used an event in which he accidentally fell off the bed when we were messing about, he turned that into “you purposely shoved me off the bed I’m scared”.

Well done for leaving, you have done the right thing. I was once in a similar situation, right down to the threats and phone contract. I wanted to cut all contact and so explained my situation to the phone company, they requested that I reported the phone as stolen to the police and once I had a crime reference number they were able to cancel the contract. I also had to provide some evidence that he had been abusive so save any abusive texts/threats. Please be aware that he will most probably use the fact the phone is in your name as leverage to keep contact with you in order to continue his emotional abuse. He will not want to let go of the control he has had of you.

Please do all you can to cut contact, you will look back in this later and realise what a lucky escape you had. If it helps you look forward to the future, I ended up having to go to court after getting the police involved due to my ex harassing me and making death threats towards me. It now all seems like a bad dream and I am married with an amazing husband and a beautiful baby. You can do this op, gather all your strength and do everything you can to break free once and for all.

@LilyLolo81 thank you so much! What you told me about your phone contract has stopped me panicking quite as much!! I’ve got him blocked on absolutely everything so he has no way of contacting me. I’ve got all texts and emails saved aswell, a lot of them are really vile so they’ll only help my case.

OP, please get some counselling for yourself before you embark on another relationship.

He is an absolute horror.

Your relationship bar is very low, and you need to be educated in what a healthy relationship looks like, so you are protected from accepting behaviour like this again.

Best of luck for the future.

Check on this, but you can cut the contract number from the bill, they give you a new number and a new SIM card, so your ex can't bill you for his calls.
I would also tell him either he pays you for the phone £720 , returns it to you or you
will report it as stolen and have it blocked so no one can use it.

Sorry cross post .
Can you call the landlord and tell them you have moved out
So you don't have to pay rent?
Also electric , gas , water ect.

That’s brilliant, you really need to give yourself a massive amount of credit for leaving! Hopefully the phone company won’t give you any hassle, the fact that he’s been abusive and you have evidence stands massively in your favour.

Try to take some time to yourself to just relax now that your at your mums, be kind to yourself op xx

You have definitely done the right thing.
This kind of behaviour does not change.
I was older than you and dated someone like this for 10 years. 10 years of my like I won't ever get back! He would turn things round, get jealous if I just spoke to someone. All because I was outgoing and he was not. He was hideous and even accused me of having an affair (when our ds was 18 months old). I neither had the energy never mind the inclination but felt totally disrespected by him when I was 100% loyal and committed to him. One day I realised he did not deserve me and that was it. I never looked back. Kelly Clarkson - 'Since you've been gone' became my ringtone and I regained my life. Look forwards now OP and do not be loured back. Good luck for the future!

@mummmy2017 I’ll definitely have a look into that! I’m trying to avoid contacting him, and I’ve been advised by a friend who works in tech, that it will only start affecting my credit score after he’s 3 months late in paying. So I have some time to look at my options.
The flat is a student flat that we shared and paid 50% of the rent each (bills included in rent price). Unfortunately I’d already transferred my half over and that’s been paid.

Save your post to a note on your phone and read it if you feel yourself weakening. He obviously does have many issues with relationships, sense of self, self esteem, emotional regulation etc but he needs help with all that. You were never going to fix him and it's not your job to.

You've done the right thing x

Well done OP, cannot add much to the already excellent advice on here. Expect some real up and down days...but think of the future and cherish the time back at your mums

@Ceebs85 and @SRS29 thank you both!

Being away from him has really made me think whether all of his ex’s were “toxic” or whether it was him the whole time.

It was him. My sisters ex similarly accuses everyone else including his ex of being crazy.
Apparently he still owes her money and he has financially abused my sister. So I guess if you don’t enable a man with mental health issues who refuses to work to support his partner you are the “crazy” one.

Around 2 months ago when he’d caused an issue again, because he owed me money and still hadn’t paid me back (he still owes me over £200 but I don’t expect to get that back) and I ended up going back to my mums then. Whilst I was there he was telling me he was getting a restraining order on me because he was “scared of me”. I know realise that he was doing that to turn his issues around on me, and try and make me out to be the bad person.

Omg! My sisters husband did this! He accused me of trying to intimidate him because I told him not to come to my house again. This was after they broke up. He had been staying here with my sister for a while as she was renting out her house.
He claimed that he wasn’t scared of me ffs
He’s 6ft 10 and fat. He also has had psychotic episodes where he threatened suicide. He likes to make insinuations and implied threats to my sister and then act like she’s the crazy one.
He’s an asshole.

You've definitely made the correct decision, he sounds horrendously abusive.

He had something terrible happen as a child, not making light of it but he can't keep defaulting back to that as an excuse for his behaviour.

@Ulver he sounds awful! Funny how many similarities there are between the two.

@Gobbycop When he kicked off on holiday he blamed a bad holiday with his ex. When he kicked off about me going out it was because his ex cheated on him. There’s always an excuse.