ex husband went to see his girlfriend

[AllInTentsWithPorpoises]

So kids are due to go to ex's tomorrow for a few days. He called me last night and told me that at the weekend he'd cycled down to see his girlfriend and her family (68 miles away) and then got the train home the next day. He expected me to be fine about this. I am furious and I am wondering if I am within my rights to stop visitation. We are in the process of a divorce (long story, guess why!) so nothing legally written up about kids. Even if visitation continues, is it unreasonable to stop the kids going this week?

Someone put a link on another post, can’t remember where now! But basically was official advice saying that if one parent thinks the risk is too high then they can stop contact and if it gets taken to court afterwards the court will take the situation into consideration

Of course you can stop the kids going this weekend . We have this in reverse - we are not taking my H's kids because his ex and kids are out and mixing .

So I'm not overreacting am i? He's caused so much emotional damage I'm not always sure of myself after he's spoken to me. Or rather at me.

He could have caught the virus at any stage . You don't want your children catching it and bringing it back to you . He's an idiot and he has to accept the consequences of his decision .

Are any of you particularly vulnerable?

If yes, YANBU.

If no, YABU. You will come into contact with people when you go out to walk, shop etc. so not much greater risk with your ExH. Sounds like your feelings towards him are clouding your reason, which is fair enough, the cheating wanker.

@otterturk surely him doing this is an unnecessary journey though? And even if they go see him this time, he would then take this as a green light to do it again. So what should I do? Every unnecessary journey is putting both himself and everyone he comes into contact with at risk. Where do you draw the line?

You will come into contact with people when you go out to walk, shop etc. so not much greater risk with your ExH.

This is not the same thing at all. He spent sustained time with other people - his girlfriend and her family and went on public transport again spending time with other people for the time of the journey. He didn't adhere to guidance.

I would stop contact OP. No question.

I know it’s against the rules, but if he’d just seen his girlfriend and both were following the rules otherwise, I’d let him see the children.

However, the fact that he’s travelled so far and then come back on public transport would be an automatic no from me.

It was his girlfriend and her family.

If he was a keyworker and travelled to his job on public transport every day, would you feel justified to stop contact?

Unless you or the DC are in the shielded group, I'd pick your battles more wisely.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation if he was a key worker it is likely he'd actually have a bit of empathy for the whole situation. He totally doesn't give a shit. He's bordering on sociopath for his lack of empathy for anything. I get its lonely living on your own however rather than cycling 68 miles to spend the weekend with other people he could have reached out to his kids 5 miles away who he hasn't bothered to speak to for over a week.
I do need to pick my battles wisely but he will continue to do this irresponsible shit and won't put anyone but himself first. So I need to make sure I'm doing the right thing for my kids.

As a child of separated parents please DO NOT use withholding contact as a way of punishing your ex. If you can, hand on heart, say that this is because you are worried that your children aren't safe then it's one thing. I suspect it it partly motivated by teaching him a lesson by your post though.

Unless you're shielding, I think you're overreacting.

So whilst all of us stay in, take an hour max exercise a day and don't see our families your ex is having a lovely weekend

Nicola sturgeon said if it feels like you're on holiday you're not doing it right.

He's s selfish dick. I'd be furious

Are you really doing the right thing by your kids or making a moral judgement about his behaviour and using them to punish him though?

Let's be honest the risk to them is vanishingly small (unless they have underlying health conditions though)

www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/education-52310034

@Allintentswithporpoises

You haven't answered whether you're shielding and it seems clear from your response that you're so upset because he went to see his girlfriend, which is understandable. Every time he goes out or you go out you will come into contact with other people. Singling out this trip to see his girlfriend doesn't really increase his risk more than going to the supermarket an additional time would.

I think you need to try to put your feelings about him aside and put your children first. Don't stop contact over this.

@otterturk no we are not shielding. Yes, I am upset he went to see her and her family. I would be upset if it was not a girlfriend but a friend also. I agree, every time he goes out or we go out there is a risk. But why increase that risk by going to an entirely different place with different people? There are some people I really, really, want to see. But I don't. Because I shouldn't. Sure he should be extending the same courtesy by keeping himself and his immediate family at the minimum risk possible?

And thank you eveeryone that has replied. I really appreciate all the different viewpoints and it is really helping me think through the situation before I go back to him to talk this over.

He knew the rules, knew the risk and did it anyway. If he self isolates now they can see him after that period. Whether you don't like your ex or not, what he did was selfish and I see no reason for you or your kids to be at risk.

If everyone thought it was ok to go on long journeys to see their partners and families where would we be?

It feels like you've found a great excuse not to let your kids see their Dad. Honestly don't do this, don't use them to score points.

Question for those who've said Not to stop visitation. If he continues to do this (and knowing him I imagine he would), at what point do you consider it reasonable to draw a line? If at all? Assuming guidelines stay as they are that is. I'd be really interested to hear how you would deal with it.

The OP is genuinely concerned and her ex is a dick. I think she has the right to be annoyed and cautious.

I think i would make it clear that he is putting you and your children at unnecessary risk and that if he does it again you will be forced to keep them with you until lockdown is over.

I rarely condone withholding contact, but he HAS increased the risk to himself, his kids, and others. He's a selfish idiot.

Don't feel guilty about putting your kids health first, OP. Someone has to.

It's a tough situation OP and I understand your concern.

For my part, DH and his ex jointly agreed that DSD would isolate with her DM during lockdown as she has asthma.

We are missing her like crazy (despite lots of calls/FaceTime etc) but the priority was her health and though we are strictly following govt advice DH decided that the additional risk of mixing households couldn't be justified, so we are just going to sit it out and look forward to spending loads of time with her when we get through this.

I only mention this to demonstrate that lots of parents are making difficult choices that prioritise their children - unfortunately your Ex isn't one of them.

So what to do....

The reality is that the risk is small, especially if your children have no underlying medical conditions.

That said, as you rightly point out, he is increasing the risk and obviously sees no issue in doing so. As such it's fair to assume he will do it again (and again).

So for my part I'd put the onus back on him.

Don't say he can't see the children, say in light of his visit to his girlfriend he needs to isolate for 7 days after which (assuming her doesn't become ill) he can have the kids.

If he refuses to isolate for 7 days then it's really become his choice not to see the children rather than your decision to withhold contact.

Make sure you put this in writing (email/text) so if it come up further down the line you have this documented.

He he does isolate then dies another trip to his GF then the process starts again.

Obviously there is still the chance he'll agree to isolate but not do it and lie and equally not tell you about any visits to his GF in the future.

There's nothing you can do about this, but at least you've hopefully made him think about these unnecessary risks and that there are consequences to them.

Look i get it. I see people coming to visit all the time. Round here people have driven and biked over to see people drop off presents etc. Meanwhile ive miised niece and nephews birthdays due to following guidance on not visiting family and or friends.

Its very frustrating to. See others not doing the same. However it is not my place or yours to punish other people behaviour or correct it ; Why do you have to draw a line on your ex's behaviour?

He is being socially irresponsible granted.
it is not your role to punish him for it especially not by using your and his kids to do it

If you have grounds for genuine concern for your kid's safety that is another a different matter.