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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it really too much to expect to meet someone who likes me for me?

32 replies

strongcloud · 27/04/2020 12:25

I mean seriously, I just want to meet a man, who likes me for who I am. Not for just for what I give to him, or how I make him feel, but actually knows who I am as a person and likes that person, irrespective of the fact I am in relationship with them. Is that really too much to ask?

My ex-H had no idea who I was and just loved how I made him feel.

Had a relationship with a guy who claimed to love me but became clear he was not in love with me but with how I made him feel (soothing his trauma).

Online dating has sucked. Keep getting contacted by men who claim they want intelligent women with opinions that they can have interesting conversations with. But turns out when I try to have these conversations they get annoyed at me actually having opinions or are completely incapable of maintaining a conversation. I think what they mean is they want a woman they can pontificate to and who will agree with them and admire their brilliance.

And now I feel messed about by a guy I know in real life, and who I have suspected there is a bit of a vibe between us, and who I am quite interested in, and who saw me at an online thing we were both at - emailed me to tell me how I had warmed his heart when he saw me - then emailed further to share quite personal stuff and difficulties he is having, I replied trying to be supportive and understanding. Thinking maybe this was the start of something. Then nothing - zip - no reply. And now I feel weird about seeing him again. Why has he done this? Why open up then close down?

Feeling totally fucked off. Rant over.

OP posts:
yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 27/04/2020 12:33

You know your worth and you know your boundaries which is brilliant. I am very nearly divorced and looks forward to being single for at least two years maybe more. Better to be alone than badly accompanied

Original poster
strongcloud · 27/04/2020 12:38

Thanks. Still fucked off. I thought that last guy would be a decent guy. I am so sick of thinking I've met a decent human being, then just to exist to fulfil their fucking needs due to their own bloody inadequacies. Or to get fucked around.

I'm too fucking nice - emotional leeches can fucking smell it and try to latch on.

OP posts:
yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 27/04/2020 12:44

I agree. My stbxh lied and cheated our entire time together but wore this family man cloak. I'm still finding things out now he was getting up to behind my back and yes I will live my best life but I'm still fucking raging with him and myself for believing his utter bullshit. And he's back on POF looking for his next victim so someone will be in for a shocker

ConkerGame · 27/04/2020 12:47

Ah sorry OP. Of course you deserve someone who loves you for you!

You’ve had a lot of bad luck on this front so far but thank goodness you know your own worth and haven’t settled for someone rubbish for the sake of being in a relationship. The right person is out there, just taking a while to get to you. Keep the faith! (Hard, I know!)

Original poster
strongcloud · 27/04/2020 12:52

Is it bad luck or are most men really like this? It's hard to tell. Starting to wish I fancied women.

OP posts:
Menora · 27/04/2020 13:02

You can come to the dating thread we are talking about this kind of thing
Well done you for noticing what it is that people are trying to take from you... that’s a good step
Same here - trauma soothing woman right here. Also feel men don’t really know the underneath me. I have started to use OLD to make friends with like minded men who actually do have to bother to talk to me and build a friendship (no flirting or sexual banter) it is actually working out ok so far...

Original poster
strongcloud · 27/04/2020 13:33

I have only found one man online who is capable of maintaining a conversation! And he is not looking for a relationship!

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 27/04/2020 13:38

I think there are a lot of crap men unfortunately, but that doesn't mean you won't ever find a decent one. Keep those standards high. IME relationships are only worth it when you have that kind of genuine friendship as the backbone of the relationship.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/04/2020 13:41

I think a large percentage of men enter into relationships that benefit them, or enter into relationships and then manipulate things so that they benefit from it.

As for the dating websites, they've had their moment, don't waste any more time on them. I know exactly the types of conversation you describe having on there - it's like you do all the talking and they never even both to ask you a question about yourself. Bizzare really.

Only thing I can think of, when lockdowns over obviously, is to socialise more, doing something you enjoy. That's the only thing that's ever worked for me anyway.

Original poster
strongcloud · 27/04/2020 13:50

relationships are only worth it when you have that kind of genuine friendship as the backbone of the relationship This! That is definitely one hundred per cent true!

I think a large percentage of men enter into relationships that benefit them, or enter into relationships and then manipulate things so that they benefit from it This has also been my experience. I want a relationship of mutual benefit!

OP posts:
Menora · 27/04/2020 13:51

Which is why you need to find a friendship that has mutual respect and not just based on how much you want to be naked with each other 😂

Original poster
strongcloud · 27/04/2020 14:08

That was the problem with the 'soothing his trauma' guy. I did really, really like being naked with him Grin

Ultimately wasn't worth it for the headfuck it caused though.

OP posts:
IndieTara · 27/04/2020 14:15

@strongcloud this has absolutely been my experience with men OLD.

They all want an intelligent, strong, independent woman and when they get one they've no idea what to do with me! They usually end up trying to guess my bra size...

And the minute you disagree with something all hell breaks loose

Jojobar · 27/04/2020 14:25

Men only want strong independent women to support them and listen to their woes. Don't have any problems of your own because they won't be interested.

Or if you point out that they never buy flowers for you etc you will get told that's your fault for being too independent that no one ever wants to do anything for you.

It's all bullshit.

Original poster
strongcloud · 27/04/2020 14:34

They all want an intelligent, strong, independent woman and when they get one they've no idea what to do with me! They usually end up trying to guess my bra size..

Yes! Yes! One guy, banged on about how he wanted some-one for intellectual discussion, a woman who knew her own mind, was smart, he was attracted to brains first, blah blah. So when he got in touch I asked him what sort of things he liked to talk about. He replied 'oh anything really. What is your favourite part of your body?'

I really, really don't get why these men think they like 'intellectual and interesting discussions' when they clearly don't. Stop lying, people! If all you are interested in is football and shagging, just say so!

OP posts:
BobbinThreadbare123 · 27/04/2020 14:35

My XH liked the whole 'my woman is strong, independent and super intelligent' shtick until he was actually challenged. Then he would throw a hissy fit about not liking to be made to feel stupid, or how I had done a 'man's job' wrong (ie not the way he would have done it). Notice the X part. Took me a while to notice though!
The good ones are out there; DH is one. We enjoy each other's brains and support one another mutually. We also both really like cake Grin

Original poster
strongcloud · 27/04/2020 14:51

The good ones are out there; DH is one. We enjoy each other's brains and support one another mutually. We also both really like cake

Sounds like the perfect relationship Grin

OP posts:
EngagedAgain · 27/04/2020 14:54

At least you've realised this, so that's a good start. Don't settle for those types, you certainly can find someone that cares about you for who you are.

PicsInRed · 27/04/2020 14:58

emailed me to tell me how I had warmed his heart when he saw me - then emailed further to share quite personal stuff and difficulties he is having, I replied trying to be supportive and understanding.

You will hook up only with broken birdies, losers and cocklodgers with this response. When someone spills their life's sob story so early on you should be running the opposite direction not seeking to fix them.

Do you seek to find a "job" with men and friends? Were you socialised by family to be the "fixer"? Were you "parentified" into a caring role quite young?

Menora · 27/04/2020 15:02

I’ve been reading Women Who Love Too Much

Very eye opening!

It’s true, something in you clicks when you meet a man who tells you something sad or tragic, or he just looks sad or shy. You think here is one for me to mend and nurture. Let’s go. Then you are stuck with a teenage boy and you are the mum

ThirtyAndASmidgen · 27/04/2020 15:07

This is so true about OLD. I’ve been on many first dates where the man asked not a single question. Needless to say, none of these progressed to second dates though the men were keen!

Longjo · 27/04/2020 18:29

Same situation here. The last couple of men I have dated seemed quite confident and assertive types at first, wanting intelligent women but the more I got to know them the more needy and annoying they became. The first one especially, texting me throughout the day, even asking me why I don't give him more attention. The second was intelligent but he was an over sharer, telling me how hard his life was since his divorce but how he was strong still 'coping' with it all and getting by. He would message me random quotes in the night asking me if I was still awake. And with every conversation bought it back to him. Barely asked me any questions about myself. I asked him what he liked about me. He said the way I made him feel!! Argh. I do not know why I saw these men for as long as I did...

Original poster
strongcloud · 27/04/2020 19:40

Do you seek to find a "job" with men and friends? Were you socialised by family to be the "fixer"? Were you "parentified" into a caring role quite young?
No, No and very much NO : ) I am, however, quite kind and listen to people in distress and try to respond with kindness and understanding. I am starting to think that men looking to be 'supported' and 'cared for' pick up on that and try to latch onto me. And that I need to watch out for this. It wasn't his lifestory, more how he is struggling in lockdown. Which a lot of people are.

I asked him what he liked about me. He said the way I made him feel!! Yes! this is what trauma guy did! And my ex H. I have totally learnt this is a red flag. I want someone when, if asked what they like about me, is able to refer to things I have done that they admire or respect me for, or an aspect of my personality they admire or respect me for. Not how I make them effing feel, the narcicists!

OP posts:
RealFun · 28/04/2020 17:09

Great original post, OP! And an interesting thread.

Just a comment on what Pics said, I also agree that if someone I only vaguely knew emailed me personal stuff about the difficulties they were having - eg his lockdown "issues" - it would be a red flag, I would feel squeamish and probably even a bit annoyed. Like they were trying to corner me into a "helping" or sympathy role. What did he offer to do for you in the same situation in lockdown Shock? Or was it all about him?

However, your more general point and other posters contributions have definitely struck a chord. It made me reflect on how women can be over-trained for the caring role all too easily. It can be a societal thing and/or a personal thing or both. Trained to please, physically and emotionally and practically - it seems all rather draining and not altogether authenic! Would it not be an amazing thing, to just be yourself as a human being (who happens to be a woman) and see what happens. And to be appreciated as the woman you are as well.

Arnoldthecat · 28/04/2020 17:26

There are a few generalisations about men. I can only speak for myself but i dont NEED a woman. I earn my own living, have enough money, consider myself reasonably intelligent,certainly enough to have never been out of work. I dont need a housekeeper. I know how all domestic appliances work. I know how to cook,clean,do advanced DIY,garden,mend cars,all manner of things. Im quite prepared to share time with the right woman. I dont need anyone whos a gold digger, whos a control freak or a major liability. It cuts both ways.