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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mucked up big time

28 replies

Haybale35 · 27/04/2020 10:31

I am not looking for any sympathy but I need some advice before I have a complete break down.

A colleague at work started messaging me back in March and it's just blown up into a sordid mess. We are both married (he is older than me and has 3 grown children) and I have a child. He was texting constantly to begin with and we spoke every day but has now started to say oh its unsustainable so I cant always message (we used to message for an hour). He has told me asserts about his marriage, which makes me feel sad for him in a way.

I want to tell him to fuck off basically as he only texts when he wants something (stupidly have sexted and videoed-yes I know bloody stupid) but for some stupid reason I cannot.

There is no way I want to leave my husband, I love him but for caught up with the excitement. To make matters more awkward, we work together.

I just need some advice to what to do. I keep checking my messages to see if he is on line just in case he actually messages. It has really mocked my head up and I am trying not to cry in front of my husband.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2020 10:34

Of course you can stop messaging him. I’d do that first then get job hunting.

category12 · 27/04/2020 10:34

You know you have to block him and stick to it. That's about the sum of it.

SavageBeauty73 · 27/04/2020 10:37

Block, don't engage. Simples.

Mischance · 27/04/2020 10:38

We all get tempted by a bit of excitement now and again. That is very common. What really matters is what you choose to do about it.

Step One - stop the texting NOW.
Step Two - ask yourself why you felt drawn to this behaviour and could not resist it. Is there something amiss in your relationship with your husband? Are there things you want to do in life that you need to pursue?

AgentJohnson · 27/04/2020 10:46

You need to just stop! Yes it might come back to burn you later but that is the risk you took when playing with fire.

There’s stupid and then there’s the disrespect you’ve shown your marriage that can’t be easily written off as thrill seeking.

wantmorenow · 27/04/2020 10:59

Stop. You are in control and responsible for your actions. Do not play the victim at the whims of others and emotions.

Take a moment to visualise the time when your child asks why their Dad left you. Maybe when they are young or as a teen when they start dating. They will ask very pertinent questions which you will have to face up to and answer.

Visualise too the shit storm when your husband finds out and his look of hurt, followed by the fall out when your family, friends and colleagues know you have been left with a broken marriage due to your infidelity.

Keep picturing those moments because when you get found out, that is all you will remember, the excitement will have gone and out will regret this eternally.

thebridgelooksbroken · 27/04/2020 11:09

You need advice? Honestly. Block and delete, it's not hard is it?

thecatsarecrazy · 27/04/2020 11:29

Stop messaging and block. I know its bloody hard and so much easier said than done.
I have been messaging someone. We have only actually met twice. Last time being on the 20th of March. We are both married. Wont ever go anywhere. He told me he was here for me, we would get through lock down how I was the only thing getting him through. I knew it was wrong but he was keeping me going. His messages got thin one or at most 2 a day. Would say even if not in your inbox your always on my mind, Nothing has changed, crazy about you. Then his messages just stopped last Saturday afternoon. I am gutted and wish I had been the one to put a stop to it.

Original poster
Haybale35 · 27/04/2020 11:36

Thank you everyone, I know I am a bloody idiot and am disappointed in myself for doing this.

@catsarecrazy, know how you fell. The messages came thick and fast to begin with and then all of sudden he said oh can't text as much. I didn't want it to go anywhere but it was just the excitement of someone else wanting me I guess (yes very narcissistic of me).

I just needed to be told, it is easier said than done to delete and block when you have got to work with the person as well.

I am going to tell him it is over as well, at least then I have that bit of control back.

OP posts:
thecatsarecrazy · 27/04/2020 11:36

What I came to realize was its not him I was addicted to, He has plenty of bad points. Lied to me many times about his marriage, doesn't give a monkeys how I feel like when I asked him how he was all woe is me without ever asking how I was.
I was just enjoying the attention of being called sexy, attractive, funny. It was the way I felt not him. He could have been anyone.

IHaveAMagicBean · 27/04/2020 11:40

Sorry op, but dump him, block him and start working on your relationship with your poor bloody husband.

If you think you love DH why on Earth would you be sexting and videoing anyone else?

I hope he doesn’t try to blackmail you with the sexy texts.

Original poster
Haybale35 · 27/04/2020 11:41

@thecatsarecrazy so so true. He has told me if he and his wife didnt have children they would have separated long ago. Yet when at work, he portrays the perfect life.

He also admitted he has cheated on her 3 times during their marriage. I should have bloody backed away at that point but I didnt. There is no emotion from his side either, i think it's a case that he is getting his cake and eating it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haybale35 · 27/04/2020 11:43

@ihaveamagicbean because I am a bloody idiot.

I have more on him with the sexting and stuff because he admitted to some things but I'm not that vindictive.

I think its because our sex life is non existent (it has got worse) but we never talk about it as he gets embarrassed. That is not an excuse I know.

OP posts:
Nicolanomore24 · 27/04/2020 11:43

I wouldn’t him it’s over, he doesn’t deserve any sort of explanation. Just delete messages and bloke him.

Telling him it’s over makes it look like it meant something to you.

PippaPegg · 27/04/2020 11:43

You can easily find more men online to sext and video! If that's how you want to spend your time..

BackseatCookers · 27/04/2020 11:46

Every time you think about checking messages or speaking to him, imagine your husbands face if he were to find out about the messages, pictures and videos. That should be enough for you to stop it.

doodles17 · 27/04/2020 11:56

We all make mistakes and can completely understand where you're coming from as Iv done the same, my husband and I have had problems and I have been a mess the last 5 months a complete mess and I took comfort in someone telling me I'm beautiful etc aswell, i speak to him now still but not as much, but it is like it gets you hooked- also with me it isn't about him I don't even find him that attractive and he has a wife and two kids too , I don't even know what it is I think was just the attention and compliments I got from him at a time I was at my lowest

thecatsarecrazy · 27/04/2020 12:03

What were his reasons for not texting? Wife about? He would suddenly just stop mid conversation. Then the next day say sorry wife came in.
He's said he's only their for the kids. Before Christmas he said they don't sleep together anymore and he's leaving after Christmas. All lies.

ErickBroch · 27/04/2020 12:33

I hate on MN how if a man cheats they should always confess, but when it's a woman the majority of messages are 'don't tell him just end it'... really???

BackseatCookers · 27/04/2020 12:48

I totally agree @ErickBroch and I'm always surprised how often this happens when it's a woman cheating.

I don't think it's helpful for posters to be told it's ok. It's not ok. Especially as OP said:

There is no way I want to leave my husband, I love him but for caught up with the excitement.

She hasn't said anything indicating an abusive or even unhappy marriage. She's just got 'caught up' in excitement. Well I think that it's more helpful to remind her of what's at risk than to indulge this behaviour. As I said:

Every time you think about checking messages or speaking to him, imagine your husbands face if he were to find out about the messages, pictures and videos. That should be enough for you to stop it.

ErickBroch · 27/04/2020 12:59

Personally I think you should tell your husband the truth. If my DP was doing what you are doing, I would want to know. How awful. I understand it's done but you don't even seem remorseful you just can't stop yourself texting this man? Lovely.

Whywouldibeinterested · 27/04/2020 13:05

Personally I’d be praying he wasn't showing my work colleagues or his friends the video’s.

category12 · 27/04/2020 16:32

You may work with him, but you don't need him to have your personal phone number or social media, so your excuse really doesn't wash. And if you're using work phones/comms you're bonkers.

angelsonbareskin · 27/04/2020 17:36

OP you don't have to look for another job if you don't want to. Be strong about this. Plus the job market is very different now.

BackseatCookers · 27/04/2020 17:53

I want to tell him to fuck off basically as he only texts when he wants something (stupidly have sexted and videoed-yes I know bloody stupid) but for some stupid reason I cannot.

Thinking about this, why are your choices (in your head) to either sext him or tell him to fuck off?

Just stop sexting him and if he messages you about anything non work related say "I will only be communicating about work related matters from now on, nothing else" and just stop it ffs.