Previous cheat now messaging other women

[Elizacat]

Hello, so I’m hoping to get some advice, read posts on here before that helped me so much when my partner cheated on me and left me previously. So sorry if this post is long but thought a bit of background to it all was needed!

So, to try and cut a very long saga short, 3 years ago my partner (who I'd been with for 12 years at the time) started with all the classic cheating signs, one being that he suddenly told me that he didn’t love me anymore after having been our happiest ever for the previous 3 years. It ended with him leaving me, me begging him to come back, then after about a month when I stopped begging him to come back he said he wanted to come home - although he still didn’t love me he said! Came back and spent a month being horrible to me, and then I caught him red handed round at his mums with the woman he was having an affair with (an old girlfriend from when he was a teenager, got in touch with her via Instagram). Eventually after lots of arguments, and her contacting me to give me all the gory details, he admitted it all. I’m sure I don’t have to say that this was a horrific time in my life, I was devastated and have never really got over it, especially how vile he was to me and the vile things he said to me, I can’t ever forget that.

So I forgave him and he made me all the promises and gave me all the patter, told me he did love me, how sorry he was, begged for another chance.... and then proceeded to spend the next 2 years sporadically messaging women on social media, or porn type sites, asking if he could take therm out for drink, and constantly searching women on twitter, Instagram, having secret email addresses and secret social media accounts. Just prolific sniffing around other women. This was all a shock to me, never thought he was like this. So each time I caught him out, tears, arguments, and me being very weak and staying with him each time.

Then in august last year I found more messages after none that I knew of for about 4 months, they were on a gaming app as I had made him close all social media except twitter. For the first time I told him to leave, felt like I’d finally had enough. He begged to stay and swore he’d never do it again etc. I gave in, but he seemed (so I thought, probably just got better at hiding it) to have taken notice this time and despite me constantly checking his phone I never found anything, I started slacking off, not bothering checking his phone, until today.

Had a big argument earlier today, where I was getting at him a bit to be fair, about leaving mess all over for me to tidy up (I can go on a bit) and I asked to see his phone and saw in his internet history that he had recently deleted a secret twitter account and that he’d been sending messages to women on there. He’s denying it and saying it’s an old account that he suddenly remembered about and was deleting it so that’s why in his history. Of course that’s a lie.

So I suppose what I’m wondering is, is this really bad? I honestly just don’t know anymore, perhaps my brain is absolutely addled from 3 years of emotional hell and I don’t know my arse from my elbow any more, but I can’t tell if I’m overreacting and it’s not that big a deal, something that men do and I’m being unrealistic. I’m quite sure he hasn’t physically cheated on me since 2017. It doesn’t help that I also feel I’ve left it too late to find anyone else and wonder if I should just suck it up and settle for what I’ve got, punishment for all my crap decisions and not leaving him when I was younger! I used to be such a strong person and he spent months persisting in getting a date with me in the beginning, I thought he adored me, he always acted like he did.

So I suppose my main question is it that terrible what he’s done this time? Is it deserving of finally ending the relationship?

Any advice much appreciated.

(Bit of background info on us I’m 40 he’s 37. Both work. No kids together but I have a 20 year old daughter that lives with us when she’s not at uni. Never had kids because our relationship has always been a bit rocky up until the 3 years before his affair, which is why it was such a shock, plus he has always been unreliable, in and out of work, gambling and getting in a lot of debt, and he’s always swung back and forth saying he wants kids and then he doesn’t, so it’s just never been the right time)

Why don't you just open up the marriage and get out there and have some fun? You don't seem to want to leave and he is going to stay like this. You will have way more success than him (it's easy for women) and you can keep him for when you get bored of your side pieces

Yeah that definitely wouldn't work for me, as much as I’d like to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Well your options seem to be leave, stay and accept it, stay and resent it, then. I'd suggest that 'stay and resent it' would be a poor choice.

@Elizacat a few questions,

Why are you with him? What does he bring to your life that you're scared of losing?

Another one: how badly does he need to treat you, that you'd stop forgiving him? Your post is littered with "and then I forgave him" as if that's just what happens, as if that's expected, but each of these things you've forgiven have been betrayals that a normal woman would see as obvious indications that her partner has contempt for her. What would he need to do that would be "bad enough" that youd see he really doesn't give a shit about you?

For what it's worth, it is super super obvious that this man thinks very little of you. I expect he wants a maid and you do everything for him, so he keeps you around while continually scanning his surroundings for a woman he likes better. Sorry but if you look at his actions, they're clear as crystal. Your mistake has been listening to his words, and ignoring his actions, presumably because you dont want to see the truth.

Is it deserving of finally ending the relationship?

He deserved to be dumped and stay dumped three years ago. Everything since then us just more of the same - who cares if he hasn't physically cheated (though I'd have my doubts) .. surely it's only a matter of time and opportunity given how he acts.

Are you stuck with kids with this specimen? Please say no.

OP you are married to a nasty, lying, selfish tosser. What the hell does it natter if he cheats or not? Many woman seem to wait and wait in these horrible marriages until they've caught them cheating. As if that is the final 'click' thy need to realise the man doesnt love them.

But here's the thing, he doesnt not love you because he is cheating. He doesnt love you because he is incapable of love.

And that wont change. Ever.

Next bit might be hard for you to hear but I'm going to be blunt. Not only does he not love you: He regards you with disdain and distaste. He sees you as a weak thing that is beneath him, but easy. Easy to manipulate into taking him back time and time again. Like a comfy pair of old trousers with a hole that you keep throwing into the back of the wardrobe. Yet, somehow always end up putting on when you're having a fat day or not feeling like making any effort.

OP you are a decent human being who us worthy of a happy life. And do you know why I know that? Because shit ppl hold on too good people, to warm people. In order to drain that every little bit of kindness from them.

He will never change. But he will change you. He will drain you until there is nothing left.

GO.
RUN.
Listen to that voice in your gut that is telling you to do just that! Stop looking for definitive proof that he isntba good person. You already know he isnt. Believe yourself!

He deserved to be thrown out long ago, I’m not sure why you’re still with him.

Do you really think being with someone who repeatedly shits on you from a great height is better than being single? On another thread someone gave the advice, you’re colluding in your own self destruction. That’s what you’re doing.

Hes always going to cheat and you do the po k me dance. Either stay or leave.

Cut your losses and leave him.
Life is too short for the shite life you’re living now.

Every single time you forgive him you’re simply teaching him it’s okay to treat you like a complete mug and so he carries on..

Why don’t you wake up OP and free yourself of this lying scumbag?

Thanks for the advice, you make perfect sense and it answers my question that it is a big deal actually, all of it.
And good question, it made me sit and think, why am I with him. I suppose I’ve always kept hoping that we can back to when we were happy, especially those few years when I thought we’d finally cracked it and he was in steady work in a good job and matured a lot and we just seemed very happy, then he cheated of course. We have had a rocky relationship in the past but I always thought we loved each other and I never dreamed he’d cheat on me. Then 3 years ago I find out I don’t actually know who this person is and I’m struggling to let go and accept it doesn’t exist what I thought I had, so I keep hanging on hoping it was real and we can get it back. That’s my honest answer after your question prompted me to sit and analyse why I stay with him. But everything in your post makes perfect sense and it is helpful to read.

You didn't think he'd cheat on you because you'd never do that to him. Some of us who are good people can't comprehend it when others behave like shits.

There are shits out there (like your OH) but there are also some really good people out there. I know who'd I choose. Just imagine yourself being really happy. This isn't it.

I don’t know how this works properly yet but that last post was to rvby, but all replies have been very helpful, thank you, and made me realise it’s not normal, ok or acceptable. Suppose I knew deep down but wanted to hear it.

Jesus christ do people actually live like this
Like something off shameless.

@Elizacat come the fuck on open your eyes. jesus wept

No offense but you sat your relationship was "rocky" before the affair you found out about, the the behaviour you describe since the affair has been shit ... So when has it ever not been rocky?

He sounds like shit relationship material.

Thank goodness you didn't have kids with him.

He's using you.
You're letting him.

So I suppose my main question is it that terrible what he’s done this time? Is it deserving of finally ending the relationship?

You don't need a definitive reason 'this time' to end the relationship. Some people stay together after an affair then break up years later because the partner who was cheated on never got over it. He has proved many times that he's not to be trusted. For this reason (that he can't be trusted) you are not overreacting in response to a deleted account if you are suspicious I think you have good reason to be given his past behaviour.

The only reason you need to break up with him is you decision that you've had enough and it's time to call it a day. Give yourself permission to do that if it is what you want deep down. It is enough for you to say 'This isn't working for me', you don't owe him an explanation.

It was a bit rocky when we were in our 20s, but then about 3 years before the affair everything was great, we settled down and both decided to commit to the relationship, talk of marriage and kids. Then out of the blue about a month before he left me in 2017 he had a personality transplant. Of course it was because he’d started seeing her, but everything had been the best it ever had been prior to that, or so I thought. But I agree with what you and others posts have said, he’s treating me like shit and I need to pull myself together.

He won't change because he believes (knows) that you'll forgive him for whatever he's done.

Your life would be better without him in it.

He keeps doing these things because you keep letting him get away with it.
You should have got rid the first time.
Tell him to pack his bags, and fuck off.
Don't entertain anything he says, he will NOT change.
Find someone who deserves you.
He is an arse.

@wunderlust21 listen to her!!!

She knows and everything she said

@Elizacat.... What happened in your life before you met this scoundrel that made you think that all this is acceptable? He treats you like shit and you lap it up. Not just once, but repeatedly.

Why do you feel that being treated like shit is preferable to being on your own? Think about this. Read your opening post again and imagine it was written by your daughter.

It seems that when you were growing up, no one taught you to value yourself. So you have to learn this yourself. Looking back over the years you have spent with this man: is this how you want to spend this, your one and only precious life?

You know you are worth more than this. Ditch this abusive looser and start living the life you deserve. Here are a couple of books to help you on your way: Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood,, and The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden.

You can do this

@Elizacat

I suppose I’ve always kept hoping that we can back to when we were happy, especially those few years when I thought we’d finally cracked it and he was in steady work in a good job and matured a lot and we just seemed very happy

You're suffering from a common error in thinking called the "sunk costs fallacy". This is v v common so don't feel too bad. Basically your mind is assuming that if it waits long enough, the thing it liked will come back.

But it may very well be that the good times you had with him were temporary, and that he way he is now, is the way he actually just is. He may have been behaving for a bit but eventually he ran out of energy. He started reverting to type, and then he realized you'll put up with it.... so why would he ever try to behave again?

By taking him back and constantly forgiving him, you've "trained" him now. He now knows that you'll accept horrendous treatment.

This is very likely to also cause him to love you less (sorry). Because once you've stopped respecting someone, you basically can't love them anymore, you sort of get the ick from them.

I’m struggling to let go and accept it doesn’t exist what I thought I had, so I keep hanging on hoping it was real and we can get it back

I completely understand. These types of situations are so heartbreaking that you just keep hoping you can say the magic words and make it all go back to the way it was.

I mean this gently, it may be time to put away the magic wand and start taking a good hard look at the reality in front of you.

You've a partner who has sold you down the river multiple times, who by your own admission you've basically kept in check by looking at his phone etc. This guy has been really, really horrible to you.

Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who puts you through this kind of thing? Do you literally want to be 80 in a nursing home, checking his phone? Do you want to be 90 and jealous of the other ladies at the bridge table? Really think about what you're signing up for here. I think once you're honest with yourself you'll find he isnt offering anything that is enriching your life.

Please stop letting him mug you off. Get some self respect and leave this piece of shit.