Previous cheat now messaging other women

[Elizacat]

Hello, so I’m hoping to get some advice, read posts on here before that helped me so much when my partner cheated on me and left me previously. So sorry if this post is long but thought a bit of background to it all was needed!

So, to try and cut a very long saga short, 3 years ago my partner (who I'd been with for 12 years at the time) started with all the classic cheating signs, one being that he suddenly told me that he didn’t love me anymore after having been our happiest ever for the previous 3 years. It ended with him leaving me, me begging him to come back, then after about a month when I stopped begging him to come back he said he wanted to come home - although he still didn’t love me he said! Came back and spent a month being horrible to me, and then I caught him red handed round at his mums with the woman he was having an affair with (an old girlfriend from when he was a teenager, got in touch with her via Instagram). Eventually after lots of arguments, and her contacting me to give me all the gory details, he admitted it all. I’m sure I don’t have to say that this was a horrific time in my life, I was devastated and have never really got over it, especially how vile he was to me and the vile things he said to me, I can’t ever forget that.

So I forgave him and he made me all the promises and gave me all the patter, told me he did love me, how sorry he was, begged for another chance.... and then proceeded to spend the next 2 years sporadically messaging women on social media, or porn type sites, asking if he could take therm out for drink, and constantly searching women on twitter, Instagram, having secret email addresses and secret social media accounts. Just prolific sniffing around other women. This was all a shock to me, never thought he was like this. So each time I caught him out, tears, arguments, and me being very weak and staying with him each time.

Then in august last year I found more messages after none that I knew of for about 4 months, they were on a gaming app as I had made him close all social media except twitter. For the first time I told him to leave, felt like I’d finally had enough. He begged to stay and swore he’d never do it again etc. I gave in, but he seemed (so I thought, probably just got better at hiding it) to have taken notice this time and despite me constantly checking his phone I never found anything, I started slacking off, not bothering checking his phone, until today.

Had a big argument earlier today, where I was getting at him a bit to be fair, about leaving mess all over for me to tidy up (I can go on a bit) and I asked to see his phone and saw in his internet history that he had recently deleted a secret twitter account and that he’d been sending messages to women on there. He’s denying it and saying it’s an old account that he suddenly remembered about and was deleting it so that’s why in his history. Of course that’s a lie.

So I suppose what I’m wondering is, is this really bad? I honestly just don’t know anymore, perhaps my brain is absolutely addled from 3 years of emotional hell and I don’t know my arse from my elbow any more, but I can’t tell if I’m overreacting and it’s not that big a deal, something that men do and I’m being unrealistic. I’m quite sure he hasn’t physically cheated on me since 2017. It doesn’t help that I also feel I’ve left it too late to find anyone else and wonder if I should just suck it up and settle for what I’ve got, punishment for all my crap decisions and not leaving him when I was younger! I used to be such a strong person and he spent months persisting in getting a date with me in the beginning, I thought he adored me, he always acted like he did.

So I suppose my main question is it that terrible what he’s done this time? Is it deserving of finally ending the relationship?

Any advice much appreciated.

(Bit of background info on us I’m 40 he’s 37. Both work. No kids together but I have a 20 year old daughter that lives with us when she’s not at uni. Never had kids because our relationship has always been a bit rocky up until the 3 years before his affair, which is why it was such a shock, plus he has always been unreliable, in and out of work, gambling and getting in a lot of debt, and he’s always swung back and forth saying he wants kids and then he doesn’t, so it’s just never been the right time)

All these replies are really helpful, I keep reading them over. It’s helping me to push myself to acknowledge what is happening and how I’m living! I don’t know why but I also feel guilty about kicking him out. And also, I bought the house on my own, the mortgage is in my name due to his bad credit rating, but we’ve both lived in it for years, although he’s only contributed financially to the household over the past 4 or 5 years of our relationship. But I don’t know where I stand legally. That is a worry as well, but something I plan to get legal advice on.

Just... how? You're with someone who has cheated on you and left you, and is messaging women constantly whenever your turn your back? Even single men don't have twitter accounts just to message random women - he is a massive creep.

I really... don't understand why you're still 'with' him

your partner is one of those sleazebag men who just uses social media to message women constantly, probably sending dick pics without warning, even worse that he's not even single! Vile

As you’re not married I very much doubt he would be entitled to anything. Just chuck him out. It’s your house.

Yeah, legally he is a lodger and can be chucked out at any time. Unless you're in a jurisdiction where common law marriage is a thing - as far as I'm aware, nowhere in the UK is that the case.

That's not your fault btw. He could have made better choices and had better credit - he didnt - that's the risk he took. If he'd known what side his bread was buttered, he would have been kinder to the woman who was bankrolling him tbh. How nice of him to deign to contribute to his own living expenses for 25% of your relationship if he dares question that, he can go and explain to a magistrate/small claims court why he thinks he is owed anything from you...

You're in a good position legally.

It is ok to give up on this man and this relationship. It doesn't make you happy. He doesn't bring out the best in you and you owe it to yourself to be much better than this. What is the point in going around in horrible circles with him.

End it now. Otherwise you never will.

Definitely get quick legal advice before dumping him. If he is contributing to the household you would want to be sure he can't put in a claim for part of the equity. If you plan a bit in advance hopefully you can avoid that by making sure his payments are not for things like upkeep/maintenance/repair of house and are for gas/elec/food. (That's a wild guess)

@DeathByBoredom
They aren't married he won't be entitled to anything and she doesn't need legal advice it will just delay things.

Google sunken costs fallacy.

Kick him out asap.
He's had the best of your 20's and 30's, don't waste anymore of your life on him.

I don't think he'd be entitled to anything, but worth quick check with solicitor.

Some offer first free consultation but check beforehand if you don't want to pay for it.

Thank goodness you haven't had kids with him.abd thank goodness you haven't married him - of he could've taken a percentage of any assets (I know two women who got caught like that .. one had to sell her house a d is now in social housing after owning for decades).

Your position in getting rid of this creep is so much better than many women who post on here.

It's not the case that he is definitely not entitled to a share of the equity. I would never ever offer him anything and acting to him as though you think he has no claim is by far the best route,but I would run it past a solicitor beforehand to see if there are any changes she could make now that might further reduce the chances of a successful claim. I have no idea if there are, but I know that it is possible to make a claim on a property despite not being married. He sounds like a dickhead, and that's the kind of thing dickheads do.

Yes, although I’ve never got any legal advice for my particular situation I have read a lot about his rights over the last 3 years, and it does seem as though it’s weighted heavily in my favour, but not guaranteed that he can’t make a claim. The past 3 years at least he’s given me a decent amount of money every month, something he wanted to do to make up for past poor (or no) contributions and because he’s been earning a good wage in that time. But as far as I am aware it was always understood that the house is mine, it’s something that has been discussed previously (usually during arguments) he’s said that he pays half the mortgage and I have bluntly told him that he doesn’t, that’s never been the agreement and he just pays to live here like he’d have to pay rent anywhere and that doesn’t mean he owns anything. I’ve always been very careful and made sure that he’s never purchased anything for the property, the TV breaks then I buy a new one, the fridge, washing machine etc, even paint for decorating. I renovated the kitchen 2 years ago and again I made sure I did not take anything off him financially and instead remortgaged. But he says the way he has paid for all of this stuff is by giving me money every week. I know his mum nags him a lot about getting his name on the mortgage and I can tell when he’s had a conversation with her about it as he’ll come home and bring it up. The last conversation we had about it I said I thought he understood our arrangement, that the house is mine and that he’s never shown any interest in sorting his credit out to come on the mortgage despite it being discussed prior to his affair. We also discussed that as his parents are well off and he stands to solely inherit 2 houses, a lot of cash and some land, that this house is and always would be mine. I’m kicking myself because after the affair I was in a good position to get him to sign anything I wanted and was going to get a declaration of trust done to make sure he couldn’t make a claim against in me in the future, but never got round to it. My understanding is that I’m in a good position legally but that it’s in no way guaranteed.

I thought he'd be a dickhead about this, seems he already has been!
A quick run past a solicitor might put your mind at rest

Haha, yes he’s already been a dickhead about it! I will definitely seek legal advice before I make any moves, it’s long overdue. I can’t believe how helpful it’s been mentally getting people’s advice and opinions on here, even some of the slightly harsher ones lol. I appreciate it and have found them all so helpful, thank you. I’ve been reading them all back this morning again! After sitting and thinking about what I would want to happen now if I could just click my fingers and it be done would be for him to just disappear, whereas it used to be for him to be that person he pretended to be for a bit. So I dunno, it’s progress I suppose. It tells me that I’ve obviously had enough and what is stopping me now from just kicking him out is the fear of the mess that going to result it rather than fear of losing him like it used to be.