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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Another argument about needing space. Please help!

27 replies

Glasswindow · 26/04/2020 19:29

Hello all,

I am looking for some advice and some help in being able to communicate/speak with my partner so we can understand each other better. Please be kind. I am really struggling with the lock-down at the moment.

Firstly I/we are very lucky we both have our jobs and now work from home. We also don't currently have children so I have nothing to complain about during the lock-down.

However, there has been friction with my partner who is hurt and upset that I need/want my own space. I am finding it suffocating that he wants to spend quite literally all day, every day together. I feel so much pressure to be with him however I like my own space but am made to feel guilty if I want time away from him.
I feel suffocated by his expectations and also working from home and not being able to switch off.

I have always needed my own space this was something we discussed when we moved in together. I think this is healthy, whereas my partner has always struggled to accept that I want/need time alone and takes it as rejection.

Yesterday we spent all day together and did our exercise together it was great but today he is upset and thinks I am annoyed with him because I want the day to myself.

I am trying to see it from the other perspective. He naturally never needs to be on his own and obviously feels I shut down. We are now, ironically arguing over this, because he thinks I am annoyed with him I wasn't until he asked me once again what my issue was. I never hold grudges and if there is a problem I always chat about it so don't sulk so me going quiet is not my style if I am angry.

Am I in the wrong? am I being selfish?
Maybe I need a good talking to! But how can my partner and I compromise? So far all we've done is argue.

Thank you x

OP posts:

FlowerArranger · 26/04/2020 19:41

Am I in the wrong? am I being selfish?

No to both.

He is not a child, but the needs to grow up.

If you're never allowed to be on your own you'll lose sight of who you are.
If you cannot be yourself, you'll lose yourself.

QueSera · 26/04/2020 19:45

Sorry I don't have an answer for you - but please look up the 5 love languages, everyone has a main one and when two people have different ones, it can cause friction. There should be advice online on how to manage your and your partner's different love languages. Good luck.

Original poster

Glasswindow · 26/04/2020 19:46

Thanks FlowerArranger

I am surprised he takes it to heart so much and I cannot understand his perspective. I am trying.

I don't know how to make it better.

OP posts:

Wanderlust21 · 26/04/2020 19:50

He sounds a bit controlling op. It is normal too need your own space. Yet he is trying to convince you otherwise. And sulking and holding grudges? Couple of red flags right there.

I'd be off op. He sounds smothering and childish and it might be an indicator of something much worse to come.

Have there been other red flags of control you may have ignored?

peppermintcapsules · 26/04/2020 19:51

Dear god! You're a saint for putting up with this. Needy, clingy and suffocating. You don't sound compatible.

Inconnu · 26/04/2020 19:52

Would it help to sit down and come up with quite a clear plan that you both feel happy with, so that you both have the same expectations? It sounds like it's the lack of communication / compromise which is the main problem here.

Original poster

Glasswindow · 26/04/2020 19:56

Hello,

Thanks for your replies. He is a very kind man and he isn't abusive. I understand that it may seem controlling. Immature yes but he is a good person. No red flags. The pandemic shit show has clearly not helped.

When we talk/argue he says he doesn't care if I need time apart just reassurance. I'm not sure why!

Inconnu thank you that sounds a good idea. I will try this and see what happens.
I am just relieved that I am not actually selfish.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 26/04/2020 19:58

Is he an extrovert?

You sound introvert and need time on your own and he is the opposite.

Sounds like you need to find a level of compromise that works for both of you.

DH used to go on the bath and read for over an hour and spend time on his games console to get time away from us

Dragonsanddinosaurs · 26/04/2020 19:58

While it is completely normal and healthy to want your own space, are you really saying you want the whole day to yourself? That sounds like quite an extreme need for space from someone you live with, so I can see his point to a degree. Is there some middle ground to be found? If it is whole days you need to yourself, as it reads, I'd say you are better off not living with anyone else.

Original poster

Glasswindow · 26/04/2020 20:04

Hi Dragonsanddinosaurs yes! And thank you for your opinion, it's really welcome because I want to see it from my partners view. He doesn't understand why I need a whole day to myself and I see that it probably looks odd to some. Normally it's fine - not a whole day. We work we have our separate hobbies but it is just the forced confinement which make me feel suffocated. I could probably live on my own...for about a day!

RandomMess yes I think that is right. I am definitely far more of an introvert.
I just wish we could compromise so I don't upset him.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 26/04/2020 20:06

Definitely draw up a timetable so there is compromise but also insist he reads up on the needs on introverts, he is being blinkered about it is a real need for you just like eating, drinking, sleeping...

TanyaLeigh · 26/04/2020 20:08

I can understand your view and I can understand your partners, I'm wondering whether this stems from one of his previous relationships? Has he been through a horrible situation and a previous GF has said I needed time to myself and hurt him? It's maybe why he is asking for reassurance. Either that or he cannot believe his luck and is punching and doesn't want to loose you :-)

JohnLapsleyParlabane · 26/04/2020 20:18

I'm married to someone like you, and like your partner I really struggled to move past the feeling of being rejected when DH needed space. Usually I can do something with friends or family when DH is (as we call it) recharging his people batteries, but lockdown is reminiscent of the early days when I really grudged his need for alone time.
It took us some years to work out how to balance our competing needs. I hope you and your OH manage to work it out.

Original poster

Glasswindow · 26/04/2020 20:20

Thank you.

Yes, I think we both need to be a bit more understanding of one anothers needs. It is exacerbated because of the lock-down.
TanyaLeigh currently sitting here in my sweatpants and hair tied back so not sure but he still thinks I'm beautiful!
He is a very kind soul and he is sensitive - although he looks like a burly bloke.
So he had a terrible divorce. I wonder if that actually has caused problems for him. His ex wife had an affair. He desperately tried to make it work, counselling, moving house, giving her everything and she never actually owned up and said she was cheating. He even asked her if something was going on between her and her new 'friend'.
He says he needs a bit of reassurance. Perhaps I need to be far kinder :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Glasswindow · 26/04/2020 20:22

omg yes! I just need to recharge my batteries.

Ok I need to talk to him tonight to chat it through x

OP posts:

BigFatLiar · 26/04/2020 20:34

Would you mind if he was fine having a different day apart from you, so you were away from him on Mondays and he was on his own Tuesdays? Two days apart?
If you're both working at home don't you each have your own space to get on with work?
If you prefer being on your own why did you move in together?

TanyaLeigh · 26/04/2020 20:35

I think that's where this has all come from and explains why he is asking for reassurance. Maybe carry on as you are but every now and then drop him a nice cheeky message or leave a little note for him. Sounds stupid but it will help him. Good luck x

Sicario · 26/04/2020 20:38

OMG. I am exactly the same. I had to explain it really plainly and gently.

"Sometimes I need my own space and I don't want you to think it's weird or that you've done anything wrong. If I don't have alone time I turn into the incredible hulk. I'm going to my room now and I love you."

locks self in room for 3 days with snacks and drinks

NoMoreDickheads · 26/04/2020 20:48

Him doing this would really get on my wick. You're not doing anything wrong. You're already compromising/doing your bit as you spend a lot of time with him. Just say to him that you like you're own space sometimes and it's really not personal (I'm sure you've said that really.) It's his choice whether to live with that or not but if he really likes you he will.

he says he doesn't care if I need time apart just reassurance

How much reassurance though? After you've said it a couple of times he shouldn't have to go on like it again really (depending how big a thing he makes of it/how long he goes on each time.)

Personally I find even having someone else in a house with me stops me enjoying my own space when I want it.

Original poster

Glasswindow · 26/04/2020 20:56

TanyaLeigh this is such a good idea, thank you for your advice.

BigFatLiar it was fine before the pandemic. We've lived together for nearly 2 years and get on well. we have our own hobbies and friends and shared friends and we both work long hours, there has never been a problem before the lock down so I don't think the issue is living together or choosing to move in However because of the current circumstances I think it has highlighted different needs and I need to have some help in making things better between us.

I thought I had been clear with him previously needing space etc, maybe I hadn't. I'll speak to him tonight.

OP posts:

doodleygirl · 26/04/2020 20:58

I struggle to understand why a grown up would have issues with this. A relationship should not feel like prison.

dramalessllama · 26/04/2020 22:48

I agree with pp that it's merely case of you being more introverted and needed to be alone to recharge, and him being more of an extrovert, needing to be around people to recharge. Neither of you are wrong! You just have different needs in this one area.

CherryRedDocs · 27/04/2020 07:54

OP, I have aspergers and have a similar need for time alone. I can go for days without being around someone and a good quality text exchange can be as good as actually seeing a person. So I get it.

We refer to it as 'social energy' - which I'm guessing is similar to the 'people batteries'. I can feel when my social energy is running low and, when it's run out, I completely lose tolerance for being around anyone else and the ability to speak or interact on any level. I don't get cross or mood - I'm easily irked when it's running low but shut down completely when it's gone. It's never personal - it's not about anyone else, it's completely me. And i just need time to restore the energy.

I'm guessing it's similar?

Could you explain it to him in those terms?

fuckoffImcounting · 27/04/2020 15:47

He sounds controlling to me.

Original poster

Glasswindow · 27/04/2020 16:46

I'm a bit shocked that some responses have automatically assumed he's abusive or controlling
I would understand if I had written something awful but I have had a look and so many responses to posts on MN assume the man is a psychopath! It's a bit of an extreme reaction......I'm sure I'll get flamed for this observation.

My partner is not controlling, he is not abusive, he is not a psycho! All I wanted was how to speak to my partner and explain needing time apart.

We had a good chat last night. We understand each other better. He appreciates I need time on my own and that I am not in a bad mood if I just let him know as a heads up.

Thank you for all your help x

OP posts:

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