DH unfaithful and I cant cope

[Completelyfrozen]

Discovered this weekend that DH is once again being unfaithful. It has been going on for years judging by the messages I've seen. Lots of the messages appear to have been deleted because the flow is lost.
I feel completely numb. We have been married 40 years and have 2 adult DC, both of whom live at home because they cant live independently due to SN.
H doesnt know I have found his spare phone yet. I cant bring myself to mention it to him yet. It feels like that will make it real somehow.
The messages range from normal day to day chat to highly explicit messages. They talk about what a huge support they are to each other and how much they need each other. H claims he is unhappy with me, but cannot leave because he feels responsible for making sure our DC have a roof over their heads and that he only stays to pay the bills and mortgage and for the DC. (I cannot pay it on my salary.) He told her his feelings for me have changed, that we have both changed as people (who doesnt?) and 'the damage is done', whatever that means.
Everything he has said to her has a ring of truth to it, we wouldnt cope financially without him, we have a lot of debt, our relationship can be quite stressful, mainly because of financial difficulties and his unwillingness to take part in family activities. But he has never told me directly that he doesnt want to be with me anymore, and I have asked him if he is unhappy with me numerous times, because I'm not blind. He mooches around the house, is miserable much of the time, and shows very little affection. Our sex life is non existent but he has never said he is unhappy with this.
However, he has told this woman that he needs her, he loves her and he is only happy when he is with her.
I am rambling now but I sway between being frozen and angry and devastated and frightened.
He has never been the husband I wanted him to be, but I do love him deeply and I believe he loves me too. We have 2 DC and financial responsibilities and I cant do it on my own and my DC absolutely would not cope without him. They both have serious MH problems and are a constant source of concern for me and my H.
I cant imagine not being with him. He is the only man I have ever wanted to be with.
He was unfaithful a number of years ago, and I confronted him then. He told me it was just sex and he was sorry so I forgave him. Now here we are again, only this time he is claiming to be emotionally attached and it looks like it's been going on years!!
I cant think straight. I cant eat. I dont know how I will sleep.
He is downstairs watching tv and I am upstairs on MN and I cant face him.
My DC and my life will be over if he leaves.
Is it possible that he doesnt love her at all and it's all just about the sex? I havent really wanted to have sex with him for a long time now so maybe I can live with it if it's just sex?
Sex can keep an affair going for years cant it?
I have asked him a number of times if he wants to leave, because he is so miserable a lot of the time, and his answer is always no, he isnt going anywhere. But that was before I discovered this affair.

Please tell me if you think he will leave. This is what worries me the most, that my DC will be abandoned by their father and wont cope, that I will lose my home, that I dont make him happy anymore, that he doesnt love me anymore.
I cant ask him any of these things even if I did confront him. He takes whichever path is of least resistance! He always has done!! He hates confrontation of any type and will say or do anything to put an end to any confrontation, even if this is just telling someone what they want to hear, so theres no point in asking him. I only have the messages and how long they have been going on for to work out where I stand right now and the messages go back 4 years, but then they talk about this affair going on for many more years.(They dont call it an affair, they call it a relationship!)
So if any Mnetters can see the wood for the trees, I'd like to hear your thoughts please.

I am sorry lovely but it sounds like he does love her and from the description of your marriage, as though what he has said is true. I don't imagine many affairs spanning years don't involve feelings of some sort.

Have you accounted for maintenance and benefits when calculating being alone? Could you downsize potentially, not ideal at all but just suggesting things. The problem here is you cannot trust him as this is either the second affair or a continuation of the first. Your choices seem to be to work out a way to survive alone, separate and somehow live in the same house or accept that he won't be faithful.

Sorry you've discovered this, must be an awful shock.

It doesn't sound like he has any plans to leave at this time.

Just hang in there. You probably feel desperate to blurt out what you know but you dint need to do anything until you have your head straight. It sounds to me like he's committed to you & your dcs; if he was going to go, wouldn't he have done so by now? I guess he may go when things are less complicated and the children have gone. Perhaps do some research and find out who she is. Could she take him? If he doesn't know you know then use that time to think. Plan. Nothing has really changed since last week/last year so there's no need to rush. X

You don’t seem to be particularly happy either though. Are you staying with him for financial reasons? While you stay with him if that were not the case? If your sex life had been off for a while and your not communicating then you’ve probably known for a while things were going downhill. Ignoring the problem won’t make it go away. You
Need to sit down with him and confront him and ask him where you both stand, being ready for an answer you might not want. If you out have to downsize to something more affordable then do that but you can settle in a marriage where neither of you are happy just because. I hope it works out for you whatever the end result. He’s trash for doing this though behind you back he should have been honest from the beginning. You deserve better

It’s hard because you seem heavily dependent on the status quo. Not just financially but for companionship. I doubt you want to confront this either. It’s not that unusual. Most people don’t like change even if it for the better. Ask yourself a serious question, do you want or care about his love and fidelity?

As for him, well what would it take for him to go? A nudge from you or a pull from her? Don’t rely on anything coming from her. She might like having a boyfriend but be reluctant to take on a live in lover.

But what you need to do now is think about what your life will be like if you decide to go it on your own. Look into the finances in a serious way. Then think about how you would get a social life on your own. What support would you need from him or other organisations.

Gosh that’s a hard one when taking your DC into account. But really do you think they’d want their mum living like this? Could you really be ok with your husband having sex with another woman? For years? I honestly couldn’t live that way, knowing my husband was only with me out of obligation. You really must see you’re worth more than that.

And I’m sorry to say that it does sound like he really loves her, I don’t think something would still be going on after 4 years if it was just sex.

I think you need to speak to a solicitor and find out where you would stand if you did split. I understand that your DC are your priority but god, could you really truly live your life knowing what you know now?

I think however horrible it is you need to take control here, get some legal advice, work out what assets you have and roughly how much you would get if you sold. If you have a lot of equity you could certainly rent somewhere nice if you have cash in hand. Better to be in control than him just bugger off one day. Once you know where you are, have a conversation, tell him what you have found and ask if he genuinely wants to leave , if he does, I think you should accept that and get the very best deal you can- keep it civil for your family. If he doesn’t want to stay and does but is getting older, he will only be unpleasant and resentful. It’s hard, but I think it will kill you knowing he doesn’t want to be with you if you don’t consider the options

He sounds like he intends to stay with you. Is it so bad to compartmentalise like he has? Can you accept it? Maybe even talk openly about everything? Or would you rather leave if he still paid his way so your life can continue? A lot of marriages end up like this, with duty and obligation holding them together.

These illicit affairs always seem perfect until the cold light of day hits hard and fast....

If he wanted to leave..and he truly loved her ... he would have left already OP.... he's not being held down by chains.. I'd be telling him you know and if he wants to go.. he goes...

He sounds as conflicted as you to be honest. Neither of you seem to love each other, it’s all about the convenience of being together and the comfort of the life you’ve both set up for you and your dc. There’s actually nothing wrong with that, people stay together for all sorts of reasons. Only you know if you can live with things the way they are, it doesn’t sound like he intends to leave.

Nothing more really to add but sending lots and lots of hugs OP xxxx

Is she married?

It's so hard on you. What are your long term plans regarding your children? It's not really feasible that they'd live with you forever - do you think there'll be a point where they can live independently?

My DC and my life will be over if he leaves

It won't. You say he acts miserable a lot of the time anyway, so he can't be entirely pleasant to live with.

Your DC can get any additional support for their mental health they need - meds etc.

He can still help you financially somewhat- I think he owes you that.

It doesn't sound like just sex tbh. :( xxxx

It doesnt seem he will leave. If he was going to do that then he probably would have by now.

Op, what do you want to do? Do you want to turn a blind eye and pretend you don’t know, so you can keep your set up going?

Does he love her, yes likely, this is a long term affair and it does seem feeling S are involved and what you’ve seen in their messages you feel is the truth, so likely the feelings they express are also true.

The ball is currently in your court, you don’t have to say anything, you can hunker down and pretend you don’t know.

But if you do this, you need to be able to emotionally cope. You also have to understand that if he’s only there due to finances and the kids, then there is a risk that with a nudge from her, he may end it and leave, so worth trying to get yourself prepared.

What will happen to you adult children when you pass on? Could they never live independently?

You say he's never complained about a sexless marriage, but perhaps he knows you have no interest and isn't going to keep asking and getting rejected.

It doesn't sound like either of you are happy...he feels trapped....you both deserve happiness.

It sounds like you're relationship is long dead op. You can do this on you're own downsize claim maintenance and benefits, have you got access to services in regards to you're dc.

BarbedBloom I'm not sure I would be entitled to any help via maintenance or child related benefits because the DC are now adults. They are both in low paid employment now.
I hadnt considered the possibility that this could be a continuation of H previous infidelity. The first time H was unfaithful was 31 years ago. That had been a long affair but he claims he was never in love with that OW, it was merely sex. I remember we had an active sex life at the time so I was confused as to why he would be unfaithful for the sake of sex when we had an active sex life, but it's not unheard of for men to have active sex lives and still be unfaithful is it?
Category12 & LiteraryType, Thank you. I am telling myself that he would have left already if he really wanted to. I remember a few years ago, I asked him if he wanted to leave. He said he didnt, he wasnt going anywhere. He could have gone then if he had wanted to.
I dont know if she is married or not, I dont know anything about her, but I wish I did. I only have my imagination so far.
Aly92, I cant pay the bills and mortgage on my own and he knows this. There is not much equity in the house either.
LemonTT, I have a few friends but I could never discuss this with them.
Maybe OW is married herself and as you point out, doesnt want my husband? Maybe she is happily single and doesnt want anyone living with her? Or maybe my H is committed to me and the DC and has spun her a line for the sex? I wouldnt imagine many women are going to have sex with a man who tells them he doesnt love them or want to be with them?
Emotemebaby, Thank you

I'm not exactly sure how long it has been going on for. The messages I can see go back 4 years.
If I confront him, he will say whatever he needs to in order to avoid a confrontation.
He will say what he thinks I want to hear. This is the type of person he is.
I hope my DC can live independently in the future. They both have severe anxiety and wouldnt cope with knowing their father was being unfaithful.
Eldest DC was suicidal a couple of years ago and they have previously suffered a lot of anxiety at the thought of us splitting. This was when a couple of their friends parents were filing for divorce and eldest DC became terribly anxious at the possibility that we would divorce.
They both struggle coping with everyday tasks but one day, when H and I are no longer here, I hope they will be able to cope.
Bluntness, I dont know if he is being truthful with her. They talk a lot about supporting each other and needing each other but whether he loves her, I dont know. In the messages where he says he loves her, it's when she had said she loves him first and he is replying that he loves her too. Perhaps he doesnt want to upset her by admitting that for him, it is mostly sex? Mind you, I cant remember the last time he told me he loved me. He's not big on words, but he must feel something for me. Why else would he still be here when I have previously told him to leave if he is not happy?
Surely that was his opportunity to go?
Sandy, I admit I have lost interest in sex since the menopause but there is more to a marriage than sex. Our marriage is about friendship and our DC.
I just feel completely in the dark, like he has a whole side to him that I know nothing about, like he is a stranger.

You keep on saying "just sex " but affairs are not about sex alone especially one that has gone on for 4 years . Of course people get emotionally involved and you have read this in the messages. I fear that you are using your children as an excuse to stay where you are ( in your mind) and keep him tied to you .I also fear that you are in denial about all of this . How old are you ? In your 60s if you have been married 40 years ? I know what it is like to have the future disappear that you thought you would have . Only you know though whether you can continue in this vein staying in a marriage like this but remember that this choice may be taken away from you when he finally decides to act . Sorry but it is a shit situation .

What an awful situation, you poor thing. Is there any way you could discuss the future with him in regards of your children? And working with services towards getting them support so they can be more independent. And also talk about if this could happen then you would be able to be more independent from him (DH). And see what he says then?

I’ve known someone who had an on off affair and it was only about sex for the man. She was terribly upset when it ended when he got into a new relationship with someone completely different.

I really feel for you, take time to think, you must be in shock. You don’t have to make any decisions quickly. But I do think you need to confront him about this affair at some point soon. He probably does love you (long relationship), but is fond of this other woman who sounds like an emotion crutch for him to moan to.

For now drink some hot sweet tea. If you are struggling Mental health wise contact your GP. A lot of the mental health trusts are running help lines during these difficult times. Have you got a good friend in real life you could confide in?

Please dont tell me you are doing the 'pick me' dance in your head, OP! Just don't do it!

I am sure that you would find a way to cope if your husband wasn't there anymore, despite all the thoughts that you have,saying you won't cope. But if your husband says he won't leave anyway, it's going to be a very unhappy time for you all being in this situation for more years.

Despite your Husband not liking any confrontation, You both need to talk about everything that is going on, to help you think properly,and make any decisions for yourself, as you just can't put up with all this, it will drive you mad.

I would wait until lockdown is over and then tell him you need to talk. I would suggest a weekend break away from the children where you can noth talk openly. He is staying with you because of your sn children, not because of wanting to be with you. He is emotionally involved with another woman and he wants sex with her but not with you. In your sjoes I would find out how much he would be prepared to pay towards your children, even though they are adult, and so he would not have to pay anything if over 18, he might be prepared to carry on paying towards their upkeep because he lives them. Do you work and earn money or if not you could claim benefits. Go in and find out how much you could get if your dh left home. In your shoes I would let him go to ow and try to remain on friendly terms if he agreed to keep financing your dc. It can't be nice living with a person with no sex and knowing he wants sex but with someone else and not you. He could still come around and help with your ds's. You may find you are happier without him and inntime find someone who will love you.

This is a heartbreaking situation but no one in this is happy. It might seem impossible but you can be happy again with the right person. Someone who values you. This man feels responsible for his SN adult kids which is good - but this is not someone who loves you judging by his actions

What an awful situation op.

If you don't mind me asking how old are you both? Is the mortgage nearly paid, how far off is retirement?

I guess you have 3 options: you can turn a blind eye, but the issue with his is that you have to be able to cope emotionally and he has an amount of power in this scenario as he could just decide to up and leave without a moments thought to you and your dc

You could tell him you know, and tell him you agree to continue to be married and have a relationship with him: this gives you some control and you can decide how to play this. But can you live with this emotionally. It might cause issues with the ow as it will no longer be secret.

Or you split up: you could seek help from various organisations and charities in how to do this with your dc and downsize into a house yourself etc plus there will be various benefits you could claim and as your dh will do some single parenting you could also work more.

I guess it depends on what you'd do if you didn't have dc, do you love him, do you have a good relationship at the moment etc etc