DH unfaithful and I cant cope

[Completelyfrozen]

Discovered this weekend that DH is once again being unfaithful. It has been going on for years judging by the messages I've seen. Lots of the messages appear to have been deleted because the flow is lost.
I feel completely numb. We have been married 40 years and have 2 adult DC, both of whom live at home because they cant live independently due to SN.
H doesnt know I have found his spare phone yet. I cant bring myself to mention it to him yet. It feels like that will make it real somehow.
The messages range from normal day to day chat to highly explicit messages. They talk about what a huge support they are to each other and how much they need each other. H claims he is unhappy with me, but cannot leave because he feels responsible for making sure our DC have a roof over their heads and that he only stays to pay the bills and mortgage and for the DC. (I cannot pay it on my salary.) He told her his feelings for me have changed, that we have both changed as people (who doesnt?) and 'the damage is done', whatever that means.
Everything he has said to her has a ring of truth to it, we wouldnt cope financially without him, we have a lot of debt, our relationship can be quite stressful, mainly because of financial difficulties and his unwillingness to take part in family activities. But he has never told me directly that he doesnt want to be with me anymore, and I have asked him if he is unhappy with me numerous times, because I'm not blind. He mooches around the house, is miserable much of the time, and shows very little affection. Our sex life is non existent but he has never said he is unhappy with this.
However, he has told this woman that he needs her, he loves her and he is only happy when he is with her.
I am rambling now but I sway between being frozen and angry and devastated and frightened.
He has never been the husband I wanted him to be, but I do love him deeply and I believe he loves me too. We have 2 DC and financial responsibilities and I cant do it on my own and my DC absolutely would not cope without him. They both have serious MH problems and are a constant source of concern for me and my H.
I cant imagine not being with him. He is the only man I have ever wanted to be with.
He was unfaithful a number of years ago, and I confronted him then. He told me it was just sex and he was sorry so I forgave him. Now here we are again, only this time he is claiming to be emotionally attached and it looks like it's been going on years!!
I cant think straight. I cant eat. I dont know how I will sleep.
He is downstairs watching tv and I am upstairs on MN and I cant face him.
My DC and my life will be over if he leaves.
Is it possible that he doesnt love her at all and it's all just about the sex? I havent really wanted to have sex with him for a long time now so maybe I can live with it if it's just sex?
Sex can keep an affair going for years cant it?
I have asked him a number of times if he wants to leave, because he is so miserable a lot of the time, and his answer is always no, he isnt going anywhere. But that was before I discovered this affair.

Please tell me if you think he will leave. This is what worries me the most, that my DC will be abandoned by their father and wont cope, that I will lose my home, that I dont make him happy anymore, that he doesnt love me anymore.
I cant ask him any of these things even if I did confront him. He takes whichever path is of least resistance! He always has done!! He hates confrontation of any type and will say or do anything to put an end to any confrontation, even if this is just telling someone what they want to hear, so theres no point in asking him. I only have the messages and how long they have been going on for to work out where I stand right now and the messages go back 4 years, but then they talk about this affair going on for many more years.(They dont call it an affair, they call it a relationship!)
So if any Mnetters can see the wood for the trees, I'd like to hear your thoughts please.

This seems awful for everyone within the household. It seems everyone is unhappy and the enviroment is probably not good for everyones mental health. Even without the affair, it would seem your marriage is not happy. I would suggest counselling to try unravel your thoughts so you can move forward.

OP - it’s not just sex, it’s a parallel relationship that he is having. So, if you want to stay living with him for financial reasons - you need to find a way to accept that.

He isn’t going to leave unless you push him out. A parallel relationship that went on for 4+ years is like any other stalled relationship. It’s not going anywhere.
He clearly isn’t a totally bad man - early on he decided prioritise his children over that other relationship, and it won’t change.

It is also possible that he just doesn’t want to have a full time relationship with that woman.
Life is complicated. You’ve had a long marriage, complicated by financial circumstances and your children’s MH issues. It seems to have slowly changed over time, and as you said intimacy went. Essentially - this relationship turned into a partnership of sorts. If you change your mindset and treat it this way - you might be able to deal with this all better.

I am also going to guess your H has has either made some bad financial decisions or likes to live beyond his means - judging by your description of your family finances.

So that is another reason why he won’t leave as divorce is simply very expensive and assets diminish for both.

I understand your desire to cling to the life you know, in the situation of financial dependency. In your place - I’d try to figure out a way to have a bit of my own life - find something that made me happy and focus on that. I don’t know what it is for you - could be a hobby, friends, exercise, learning a skill, anything really. You seem too focused on everybody else’s wellbeing, to the extent that you have forgotten yours.
Your grown kids will be ok if you take a bit of time for yourself and did something you liked to make yourself feel better

To be honest, Things will be difficult for you all, but now you know the situation, do you really want to be with him? He doesn't love you, he loves someone else, do you really want to play second fiddle. He is staying for financial reasons and for your DC, but what happens when your DC have left and the financial burden has eased, do you think you will be in a better position to go it alone and how would you be able to cope in the meantime.
I don't think your mental health could take such a situation. I think maybe you should decide what you want. Other things will sort themselves out in the long run, and it does seem he is aware of his financial responsibilities.
Whilst he may not love you, I do feel he cares and from that standpoint I think an honest conversation maybe required. You say you think he isn't unhappy about your non existent sex life, but maybe he has tried and failed, especially if he feels it is easier to agree then to discuss matters with you.
If you really want to save this relationship, than you maybe able to do this, he could be living in a fantasy world where he leaves and life is better and in reality he wouldn't do it, but even if it cant be saved it is better than living this lie.

As a mother of a special needs adult child I empathize but your entire post is filled with paralyzing anxiety-i understand your children have severe MH issues (as does mine amongst other) but your children need a mother who is happy-you sound utterly miserable! I couldn't live my life like that. Is there any support your children can receive in a sheltered housing situation?

I am 60 and H is 63. We have 8 years left on our mortgage. As well as the mortgage, we have other debts we are servicing. All I ever wanted was to give my DC a good life where they experienced as much of life as possible in a stable environment.
There is no question that we are not in a good way financially. Both H and I have cashed in our pensions and are in a position where we cannot foresee a time when we will be able to retire.
For the poster who said my H had been irresponsible financially, this is true, so I have controlled all of the finances for a number of years now because I dont feel he can be trusted with the finances. This is how I know myself and the DC wont cope without his income.
One thing I struggle with is that I married for life. I truly believe my H has a responsibility to me and our DC, and if that means he sacrifices other women, then that's what he should do. What is the point of marriage if not for sticking together, even when things get hard?
It's simply not about H being happy at the cost to everyone else in the family.
I owe it to my DC to make sacrifices, even if that includes my personal happiness, for the sake of the family.
Honestly, I do love my H and I am committed to him, I have put my all into my family and my children, but I resent him too. I have discussed this with him but as usual, he doesnt have much to say.
My DC are on medication but they dont have any other support.
EKGEMS, I am happy for my DC to live with H and I for as long as they need to, and if that is forever, so be it. H has said he is also happy for DC to remain here with us forever.
Maybe this will blow over? It's been going on 4 years. A small fraction of what we have. Doesnt 40 years count for anything? What happened to the vows we took when we married? I actually feel so angry right now. Why should he get to wander off into the sunset at his time of life and leave me on my own? He promised to love and cherish me for the rest of his life!! What was the point of getting married if he was only going to love and cherish me until he had his head turned?

Completelyfrozen, you may be able to live in a relationship where you are solely together because financially you couldn’t manage alone or to support your children, but most people couldn’t. Maybe your husband has missed the love, affection, sex, normality of a loving relationship and not just being the provider. This in no way excuses his affair but if he could have afforded to divorce, maybe he would have wanted this, whereas you are happier to just accept being unhappy.

I don’t know your back story but is there a reason why you have both cashed in your pensions? This seems quick reckless on both your parts but to have done this in an unhappy relationship does beg the question of why? Could he resent you and the kids for having done this and now being financially unable to leave? Who pushed to spend instead of saving? Being in your 60’s with no provision for the future and several years left on your mortgage is bound to cause issues.

I can’t imagine anyone having an affair and not falling for one another. I think your husband either knows he cannot leave because of the financial issues or feels duty bound to stay because of the kids, but either way, this is quite a sad state of affairs.

If it was me, I would want to be honest about what you know and see what he says. If he wants to leave and things aren’t really great for you either, I would rather downsize and live within my means so he can go. Hiding what you know to keep things ticking along, will send you mad...and you know your husband is deeply unhappy with family life now! How can you leave things as they are?

Would downsizing be an option? Are you continuing to live a life you cannot afford as a family? I guess everyone’s priorities are different but happiness would be number one for me. I would rather live in a box and start again than live as you are.

I think it must be pretty complicated financially if OP has two adult SN dc who can't live independently - downsizing might not be an option.

Fiveaside, Perhaps H has missed love, affection and sex although I have told him I love him, not recently admittedly, but I have told him. Truth be told, I resent him and it's difficult to hide when you feel like that. My resentment mainly stems from his unwillingness to provide for us adequately and be the husband I needed. I dont think we have grown together IYSWIM. We have completely different interests and dont do much together. We have no mutual friends. We rarely go out, but we compliment each other in many ways. We rub along.
I believe H resents me too, not because of the financial issues, but because he feels as though he has never been good enough for me. This is simply not true, he is the only man for me, and has always been capable of being a wonderful husband, but there have been too many times when he has chosen not to put us first, and as for the finances, I have never been in a position where I have been able to be a SAHM. I have always had to work. I didnt expect my life to look this way, although I enjoy my work.
We cashed in our pensions to afford us a lump sum to pay for some home improvements that we needed.
I would have to say I have spent the most, mainly because I hold the purse strings.
I cannot downsize. We are already in a small property.
I keep coming back to waiting until the mortgage is paid off.
I'm quite sure he wouldnt force the sale of the house since he truly is devoted to the DC and where would they live if we sold?
I cant see any other option if he wants to leave, although I'm not entirely convinced he does want to leave. If he did, he only has to pack his bags, or is he waiting for me to do that too? In the meantime, I will just have to find a way to cope. Maybe he will rekindle his feelings for me and the DC in the meantime?

One thing I struggle with is that I married for life. I truly believe my H has a responsibility to me and our DC, and if that means he sacrifices other women, then that's what he should do

Sadly what believe and what happens may be two different things . You seem very naive for someone your age . I think you need to wake up and face the reality of your situation.

OP, reading your follow up posts makes me really sad. I know the thought of your marriage ending is overwhelmingly terrifying but you sound like all you want is for things to just go back to how they were. But how they were sounded so sad. Huge debt, no sex or affection, resentment about money... even taking the affair out of the equation, you both sound really miserable and are just clinging to the marriage out of habit and obligation.

I’m not saying he’s done the right thing but honestly, I can sort of see why he’s done whats he’s done. I’m not blaming you AT ALL but to me you both sound so desperately unhappy and lonely. As humans we need certain things and physical touch and affection is absolutely one of them. Of course he should have been finding that with you but that part of things sounds long gone in your marriage.

In the nicest way it sounds like you’re deluding yourself, just desperately hoping this all goes away. Only 4 years vs your 40 years. 4 years is a long time to maintain a relationship, it sounds very strong to me.

And really, don’t you want him to be happy? Don’t you want a happy life? Because surely this can’t be it? I understand you have major logistical issues if the marriage were to end but I can’t imagine your children would be happy knowing how miserable you both are. You say you hope his feelings for you just spontaneously rekindle but that is never going to happen while there’s a 3rd person in your marriage. You would have to confront him, have him end it and commit to some serious counseling and intensive work into your marriage.

I really hope the best for you, whatever that is, I just want you to realise there’s a better life waiting for you than just praying your husband doesn’t leave you while he’s in another woman’s bed.

Well if you are committed to making him stay even though you know he doesn't love you, or want to be with you, and is only there for the sake of the kids and the fear of poverty (pretty big reasons) then fine.
But stop telling yourself you are together - you aren't. So why don't you get some hrt (honestly the menopause is not enough reason to stop sex) start taking your work more seriously or see if you can set up something small on the side and start living your own life properly. Including meeting someone else. As for your dc they have TWO parents and since he's hardly businessman of the year he can use some of his fucking time playing mummy instead of leaving it all to you.
And if you do meet someone new you may be able to combine resources and live an ok life instead of being dragged down by some loser who is desperately unhappy with you.
Find some pride, and start making your own life. Before it's all over.

OP I think you need to talk to him about all of this and both have an open honest conversation about your lives and what you each want, not what you feel you should say and do.

I understand that it would be heartbreaking for you if he left but you already sound so unhappy, can you really carry on like this knowing he is in love with someone else? Won’t that make you resent him even more than you do now?

Also, I understand what you are saying about the importance of the vows you took but sadly he has broken those already and can you really carry on like this for the rest of your life? Possibly another 30 years?! You deserve a loving relationship where you are happy, you should never settle!

I think you should prepare to talk with him and both be honest about what each of you want. This is your life and you deserve to be happy and having someone be with you out of obligation does not sound like something you or anyone would want and would definitely make you resent him. You deserve love and happiness not a life where you are both just going through the motions.

You say you feel resentment that he hasn't financially provided so that you could be a sahm. Then you say he doesn't feel he is good enough for me. This is simply not true, he is the only man I have ever wanted
Unless he's really thick, he will know very clearly you resent him.

I am not excusing his unfaithfulness. It is disgusting and seems a pattern of your marriage going back 31 years and you've accepted this.

What are either of you getting from this marriage? Not companionship, sex, fun, or anything positive from what you've said. He's there for his money and to rightly be a father. You are there for the same thing, pay the bills and look after your children.
What do you want out of life? Because there's more to it than this.