How do you make peace with yourself?

[Feckoffwithyourbananabread]

Just that really.... I find I’m living in a constant over anxious, over thinking, over analysing state (appreciate not helped by lockdown) and I realised last night like a revelation, I won’t ever be happy till I make peace with myself and my past decisions.

I’m late 40s, I’m not where I saw myself in life. I feel like an inadequate mother, a failed human because I stayed in an abusive marriage far too long, the fallout for my children is ongoing 6 years later, I want the life others have but recognise it comes from within but I can’t see anything positive.

I’ve been doing a parenting course and the other week before all this we were asked to write a letter of forgiveness to ourselves. And the flood gates opened and I couldn’t do it. I don’t usually cry in public!

I’ve found a really good article on Tiny Buddha which helps. I keep hearing the voice of Lady Grantham telling Mary to make peace with herself!! I realise this is what I need to do as deep down, I know I’ve always done my best and I’m not a bad person. I can count my blessings blah blah but I just want peace in my mind and acceptance of how my life is. Every time I think I’ve got there, I know I really haven’t.

Anyone forgiven themselves and how did you do it? If I seek counselling (again!) after all this, what type? I know we’re all different but still, all tips welcome!

God I don't know. I'm struggling with my past decisions at the moment and lockdown is leaving me with way too much time on my hands to think about things.
Normally I can just suppress them nicely and carry on but it's all coming to the surface.

I've had counselling a couple of times in the past and it has helped.

Sorry not very helpful for you I know.

My life has not turned out how I wanted/expected it to and I take responsibility for that but I don't know how I forgive myself or put it right

An interesting post and I'd like to read the tiny Buddha article you mention.

I think I'd frame it as acceptance rather than forgiveness. The latter implies judgement and from many thing sive looked at in self development, non-judgemental acceptance seems to be the way forward.

Looking at the past to understand why it is natural that you have made the choices you have is usually the place to start. It is hard though. I recognise these things in myself and still struggle.

My counsellor often talks about reprogramming ourselves. Sometimes saying kind things to ourselves even if we don't quite believe them, but eventually it starts to cancel out the negative programming.

I've just started reading The Courage to be Happy (follow up to the Courage to be Disliked). Really easy to read and interesting ways of looking at things.

I will reply properly as just sorting kids now but thank you so much, helpful posts already which warms my heart.

Here is the link, hope this works, if not I literally googled my thread title and it was the first thing that came up. Lovely practical ideas which I am going to print and really look at.

tinybuddha.com/blog/8-tips-to-feel-at-peace-with-yourself/

@Racmactac I hope you too can find some peace. I completely agree that lockdown, even tho in many ways I am busy, gives us way too much time to think.

And @Mumteedum god I hope you can see this because I cannot tell you what an absolute weight you have lifted from my shoulders from all your words. The simple phrase of changing forgiveness to acceptance is an absolute game changer for me. The notion of forgiveness means there is blame to be had in the first place just resonates so much! Because I know I had I thing really to be sorry for - so much healthier to ‘accept’ rather than apologise for choices that I felt were made in the best of faith.

I absolutely need to reprogram myself! A lot of childhood stuff if I’m honest that I need to rip the plaster off and deal with. And I’ll look up those books too. Thank you so much

You're not alone.

I tend to replay every worst memory before finally going to sleep and there must come a point that you have to embrace who you are and use these mistakes to drive you forwards. Which happens rationally but I get it doesn't when your guard is down.

Yoga has helped me. I have been doing yoga with Adrienne on YouTube. It's been a great time out.

Praise yourself for getting out. It takes great courage.

Have you ever looked at the enneagram ? It is a personality typing system like a more sophisticated version of Myers Briggs. As others have suggested accepting yourself is good but before this comes understating who we are. The enneagram gives us a best version of who we could be and a sliding scale of who we become when we are not doing so good if that makes sense. Might be worth a look
www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions

Thanks @Dominoz, I like yoga and should do that more, thanks for the nudge as it definitely helps. And I totally agree with what you say. I do think so much of it is also cabin fever and lack of adult support for replaying things I thought I’d made peace with. Maybe the same for you?

And thank you @Spain1, you’re right, it was a huge thing to do and I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

@Fuzzlewuzzle that sounds fascinating! Thank you I will take a look at that

It's good to spend some time working through these things. Recognition that I played my part by being the passive partner whilst also seeing that I did that in order to stay safe has helped. Nothing stays the same for long and good things will come your way as well as difficulties. One of the things that helps is to recognise your strength. It takes strength to stay in an abusive relationship and it takes strength to leave. It's not what you asked for its not what you expected but now you can shape your life in a different way. Women Who Love too much is a good self help book that has been around for a while. Also the Freedom Programme is a great help. Both these helped me to recognise the trap I had fallen into. Do not let the spector of the past stop you from enjoying your freedom but no longer living with fear takes time to adjust. You have walked away with your life others are not so fortunate. You can now close your door and know you have arrived home to your own sanctuary. It is natural to have lows after leaving an abusive relationship you have been living on your nerves and the high level of adrenaline that you have needed to get through is no longer there so its natural to feel a bit low. Good luck and welcome to the rest of your life.

i have also had counselling about this. My counsellor has said (and I completely agree) that it is completely unproductive to blame yourself - to engage in self criticism. what has happened has happened. You can however learn from that and move on. agree with a pp - you HAVE to be kind to yourself.

Dwelling on the past and blaming yourself is just such a waste of time.

I also do lots of yoga, meditation and running btw. It helps with the rumination.

I feel the same way OP. I’m child free but I was a very bright kid and there was a huge amount of expectation on me growing up to SUCCEED and be remarkable in some way.

Of course I am not remarkable, and at 38 have still not found my metier despite several interesting career choices over the years. I’ve never earned much money and I feel I’ve not come anywhere near fulfilling my creative potential.

I also beat myself up every day over the mistakes I’ve made, people I’ve hurt, etc etc.

I am a terrible overthinker and frequent insomniac, the stress of all the self flagellation affects my health in lots of small but cumulatively significant ways.

I’m trying to work on it all - yoga, mindfulness, self care, gardening - but it’s hard.

I can rationalise it all away - I know the career stuff is bullshit and not the path to happiness, but it’s hard to overcome a lifetime of conditioning.

I am happier at the moment than I’ve been in years, but it’s a slog to make peace with myself.

If it’s not too philistine a reference, there was a line in an avengers movie that gave me some comfort:

“Everyone fails at who they’re supposed to be, Thor. The measure of a person... is how well they succeed at being who they are.”

Meditation is good, lots of things on you tube. Also time. I left my DH 2 yrs ago and he wasn't absolutely awful. The guilt was crushing but its there less and less now so it depends if you think enough of yourself to let these things go.
I wasn't living the life I wanted to and that is important.

Why is everyone so "guilty"?

Is it meant to prove you are a good person. It doesn't especially.

Meditation can be rubbish in my humble opinion. Though it is touted as the cure-all. Its not even a spiritual practice when cut off from its religious origins.

BUT, if you are sensitive and engage in some self-analysis OP, that is not necessarily a sign of poor health, its can equally be a sign of a sensitive and reflective nature, which can be good surely!

I've done loads of counselling. In the end, I realised I knew more than them about me (mostly) and I was wasting my time and money.

I just had to have the courage and love to (truly) believe in myself.

Buddhism-lite, toted now endlessly in the West, e.g. meditation without spiritual guides and connection can be vacuous - and dangerous. Lots of people are making money out of this mindless "mindfulness", which is of no relation to true Buddhism which is a real religion including gods and goddesses you actually pray to - not just staring into space watching your breath (dangerous for the mentally sensitive or ill). I'm not a buddhist by the way.

I went on a silent retreat (gifted and paid for by my cute siblings so I can't actually tell you how much they are) and it was a life saver. I resolved tonnes of guilt and regret and found immense peace. If you ever get the chance - do it ❤🔮

This resonates so much with me. After making so many stupid mistakes many years ago, all I want to do is ask my children for forgiveness, but I am too afraid to do so, in case they can't. So I now think, well if they can't forgive me, how can i forgive myself? And yet I haven't let them....

If you had a friend who had lived your life, would you judge them as harshly as you judge yourself? If you'd give them leeway and believe they were doing the best they could with the emotional tools they had at the time, then you should be at least as good a friend to yourself.

I’ve discovered Buddhist meditation and it’s really helpful to me. I don’t subscribe to the religious teachings, but it’s very strong on Compassion towards yourself and others, and that’s a huge help.

I also can’t sit cross legged so have to do it in a chair!

Who is the one that wants to make peace with the one that wants peace?

I could have written your post today. So many feelings at the moment and hurt and memories and anger and anxiety and grief. I hope you can move forward from these feelings in time.
I'm trying to relearn to love myself again after a lot of trauma and a very dishonest manipulative ex.
I'm doing therapy meditation walking and working out who is good for me and my life.
I have no close family due to a very messy childhood and I have to try and give myself the love I never had as a child.
Sending hugs

Thank you everyone, hadn’t checked this post for a little while so it was lovely to come back to so many replies.

Well this lockdown has certainly been an emotional rollercoaster of a learning journey about myself for sure. I feel much better than I did. The post about acceptance and not forgiveness was such a huge help, thank you again @Mumteedum for that.

@lightsoul thank you for your thoughtful words, they make a lot of sense. I actually left him over 5 years ago and am now in a very lovely and loving relationship but it’s like I’ve lived my life with so much trauma, I can’t ‘settle my mind’ and am always over thinking and over analysing and it’s not productive.

@AnnaNimmity I agree that it is unproductive and am trying so much harder to manage my thoughts. I’ve devised some short affirmations that I really believe in that are helping to quieten my mind. I just keep repeating them to shut myself up! And I am trying more yoga and focused breathing sessions as I struggle with physical signs of anxiety a lot.

@TudoBem I love that Avengers quote! It really resonates, I think I’ll make that one of my affirmations. I’m sorry you feel the same but it sounds like you are making good headway and I hope you are kind to yourself about that.

@jaster absolutely about the wasting money! Thank you! That comment was like a revelation to me, it’s true, I spend so much time figuring myself out reflectively then get cross that a stranger, who I am paying money to, that I can’t really afford it, doesn’t get it!! I am giving myself permission to walk away from all that ;) I agree with you and I do think we should value being able to be reflective, and I agree with you that essentially we need to truly learn to love ourselves. I’m feeling better about that.

@87Callista the silent retreat sounds really interesting, am glad it helped you.

@category12 Thank you so much, you right, and I have added that thought to my affirmations. If a friend of mine had been through what I had and had managed to achieve what I have, I’d have nothing but admiration for her. I need to remember that.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie I admire Buddhism, I have a book called Buddhism for mothers that I never got round to reading so should fish that out. Glad it has helped you, I love reading the positives.

@famousforwrongreason so sorry to read you feel similar, but good for you for doing lots of self-care, I really hope you can take something valuable from the replies, I know I really have.

Thanks again so much everyone, this helps

And apologies if I missed anyone! X

@Feckoffwithyourbananabread im really glad I could help in any small way.

For your affirmations, you are a thoughtful person. You are kind. You've taken such care to respond to everyone here. That's a v nice thing to do. Be kind to yourself.

You sound like you have a lot positive going at the moment with a new life and relationship. Things might not be perfect now, but you did break out of the abusive relationship - and it must have been a big and scary step. It might be a comfort that if you hadn’t done that, you might be in lockdown now in that bad relationship. Wishing you well!

I think we might just get bored and too busy to remember