ok, ok... here I go again, feel free to ignore me.

[pol26]

Well, tonight DP went off to sainsburys to buy some bits...

Look on his laptop and find he has been looking at porn. Kinda makes me feel v.isecure (I know some MNers will think i'm stupid but it's just me) but not any old porn either in his search history is escorts... their charges, what they will/won't do which was explict, photos some films(four girls and one bloke) and a search for escorts near our house. One prob about 30 mins drive away.

Maybe it's me. DD and DS have been really ill lately, and i've had very little sleep for three weeks and i've just started working too and then swapped jobs and it's been their birthdays etc... But I feel so betrayed.

It isn't the first time. I've found girls numbers before, he has a weird new email addy that I stumbled on the other day. He lies about silly stuff. On his friends stag do they went into audience part. sex show/club in budapest and I know that the other guys joined in. DP says he didn't but I only found out nearly two yrs later from someone else.

Anyhow, I text him and said not to bother coming back, he rang and went off on one. Saying when he was looking for spyware for my sisters pootie it always pops up etc... I don't understand how severally addy's and searches pop up. Ye,s the first page etc but not actually ten/fifteen pages from the site - or am I being naive. Is that what happens???

It is the cherry on a huge heap of stuff. I feel betrayed and hurt. I don't feel sorry it could be over tho. I just feel scared how i'm gonna cope with my two small children and provide the life I want for them.

I just don't know what to do.

Tell him to fuck right off..... that's my opinion!

How dare he think it's OK to look for sex outside your relationship without either ending it or talking to you about it!!

Loser!

Even my DH is shocked someone would be as callous to do that! And he's no prude himself!

I don't think you're being naive. And I'd feel betrayed and hurt too. That's awful.
Is he coming back?

he's asleep on the sofa. I think that sums up how important we are to him really.

I'm just stuck here, i'm not near any of my family and have no one to really talk to. You know bear all the stuff you hide etc... I guess our relationship - from the outside looks rosy.

He said everyone makes mistakes and he is sorry for them. But he didn't do this. Do I believe all these pages from the same site popped up??? Cause to me - when I looked back at them the page order seemed a natural prgession of his clicks, if you get me. And sorry if TMI but some of it was bigger ladies with big boobs... which I know is his kinda thing.

Oh, know I should be going sleep now but can't switch off.

The best way to have the relationship you want and deserve with him is to kick him out and onl;y have him back when he has well and truly learned his lesson. No threats. Do it, mean it and THEN see if you want him, because you bloody will cope on your own no problem.

No sorry. He has done this.

If there are girls 30mins from your house how does the computer know this?

He thinks you are a bit thick to work this out but you have and in my opinion he has been looking at naked girls and escorts.

Why hasnt it come up on my computer??

He's lying. Pages like that don't just pop up. He'd have to be looking for particular sites and like you say the progression is the giveaway.

Also he obviously thinks that attack is the best form of defense which is why he's going for you. You are right though and he is in the wrong.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. You will cope.

thank you ladies.

I know it's true. OH well, I guess I picked a bad one to have kids with.

I'd like to ask him when I made such a 'mistake' like this if EVERYONE makes them???

I'm really sorry for you this is totally unfair

I'm off to bed now ladies.

Thank you for your advice, always a good ear on mumsnet!

Wonder what tomorrow will hold now. So cross and upset, kinda wanna go downstairs and boot him out now. But know somehow it would be turned around to my fault and me not doing all I should. Or me not knowing stuff. the 'oh, those things pop up ALL the time, i've told you that before...'

Makes me wonder now if he did go round a friends on Tuesday night now or elsewhere?

ok, so now he won't leave the house at all. I asked him to go time and time again and he says he will but he is still here with three measly carrier bags packed in the kitchen.

Why won't he go? I said to him I really want him to go. He said... I will tomorrow - though I doubt it, I have been waiting for him to leave since Sat night. I said what tomorrow (in a why that long tone) he then pauses then answers I guess you want me to go now. Yes... I say and he still sits there.

Just wish I had some where sensible to go to with the kids. I just feel so hurt.

He obviously doesnt think you are being serious.

Offer to pack his bags for him. Or just do it. Poor you

I'm just so angry with myself for letting it get like this.

Back when DD was 4months old he left me in Scotland at a wedding knowing no one why he had the time of his life and I cared for DD. He went and sat down for the meal and left me and DD stood in the other room waiting for him for ages until one of his friends told me he had already sat down. Then at night he let me walk back to our hotel in the pitch black with a screaming tired baby on my own because 'he wanted to stay for the dancing/drinking/finish his meal'... I had to carry her up two flights of stairs because the hotel shouldn't of even been CLASSED as a bloody hotel. And leave her alone in our room while I used the bath room over the landing.
He never helped me at all with her (typical bloke!) and we had my house in Debryshire and he livved with his parents in Romford and came to us at weekends. While I was preg he was at uni so I supported us, brought everything for DD etc... I sold my house because it was too stressful for me being alone all week and felt he missed out on DD and his family did. So sold up and rented in Romford because we couldn't afford to buy anything at all. I had a £16,000 profit on the house but it got spent on bills, food, loans that he had and we used because he gave me no housekeeping at all.
I fell preg with DS and then found out about his friends stag do stuff in Budapest. Via a friend at a birthday meal. He told me he hadn't told me cause he knew it would upset me.
In the mean time I had found girls numbers on him. He used to go out with his mates til 6am and do nothing all weekend while I looked after DD.
When DS came along we moved to our house now, well his because he wouldn't even put my name on the mortgage or deeds. So actually nothing is mine at all.
I have ran up £2000 credit card debit cause he gives me next to nothing housekeeping and I can't feed/clothe the kids.
I wanted to go back to work/study and continue to become a midwife. All was sorted (he was pretty supportive)His mum had always said she'd have the kids as she has had and does still have the other grandkids. When it boiled down to it she wouldn't at all. So i couldn't do it. As he earns too much to get childcare help but I have no money to pay for childcare. (in some ways its good cause shes a nasty piece of work who I wouldn't want around my kids) So afer he rowed with her and me (!) and shouted at me I said to him that he wasn't to tkae the kids round there at all. (we have been in house since Feb and she came round the day we moved in and that was it!) if she wanted to see them now, i'm sick of running round for her, she can come to us... Anyhow for 6 wks she didn't call or anything. Then he had to go over for some mail and so miraculously it was all rosy again. When I went out to work he took DD and DS over there to her!!! And was surprised when I was cross as he said he thought i'd forgotten all about it...! (so she just thinks it's ok to promise something then just say no saying that it will interfere with the other grandkids too much ~ what so they are MORE important than my kids??? And the fact she hadn't spoke to her son for 6 wks is ok??? this is the woman who rings at 7am on a weekend and at least three times a day...)
And now all this escort s*. Let alone all the shouting at me, telling me off like i'm a kid. Making me feel worthless. Telling me to leave the room at my childs birthday party in front of everyone. Telling me to shut up when I was talking to his brother.

Sorry rant over.

Pol26. You poor thing. Can I be frank? From what you've said, he sounds horrible.

Do you think you give too much? Do you find it difficult to set and sustain boundaries for yourself? I ask this because if I had been in your situation I would never have accepted half the things you've put up with, even for love. He sounds like a very selfish man who's found the ideal woman - someone who'll let him get away with whatever he wants.

Not that you should blame yourself, please don't read this wrongly. Blame doesn't achieve anything, but constructive thought does. If you recognise the person I've described as being you, then it will free you up to start doing something about it. If you don't think it's you, perhaps you can start analysing what's happened and how you've got to where you are. What have your relationships been like in the past (romantic and non)? Have you felt similarly walked over by other people?

I'm sure there must be organisations which can help you get the advice you need to get out of this relationship with the support you'll require, but I don't know who - can anyone else offer suggestions?

Perhaps expalin your financial situation to someone at the CAB? Are you married?

well, yes, maybe I do 'love too much'... or whatever it's called.

I guess that I always believed the tears and the promises. But nothing changes. Deep down I want to leave. But i'm scared of aving nothing, being lonely and just i've never been so scared in my whole life.

All I have is me, my kids and my sister who already has three small children and she has enough problems of her own, without all of mine.

I'm stuck here, miles from anywhere familar and just so bloody lonely. He comes in from work and just ignores me. I don't think I can carry on like this anymore. I just can't put on that smile and pretend everything is rosy anymore.

No we aren't married.

Listen, it doesn't matter how bad things get - there is ALWAYS hope. Each day has enough worries of its own, so if you add tomorrow's worries to today's, you will end up feeling paralysed. There is always, always hope, and no matter how difficult things get, do you think a life change could possibly be worse than things already are?

The first thing you should do is make an assessment of how things are at the moment. Getting your thoughts on paper can be very cathartic and can help you to see things in a different light. It's amazingly good for helping you make decisions, as your thoughts can remain chaotic in your head, but less so on paper.

Write down everything you can about your current situation and the thoughts and feelings you have about your life. For example:

• I feel trapped
• I feel depressed
• When my partner does x,y,z, it makes me feel _
• Our relationship is having the following effect on the children:
• Our relationships is having the following effect on my self-esteem:

Make sure you note down both positive and negatives here, as you need to give yourself a true picture of your life at present. I would recommend that you handwrite it, rather than typing - personally I find that my pen becomes an extension of my mind in a way that a keyboard doesn't. Keep writing (it make take you several days) until you have everything you can think of.

That's the first thing you should do. When you think you've completed this task, we can move on to the next stage.

Let me tell you something which you need to know. A good partner is one who nurtures us, gives us the freedom to grow and become the very best that we can be, makes us feel that we are absolutely wonderful, and celebrates our successes - no matter how small. Yes, there will always be times when all relationships have difficulties and you won't feel like a diamond 100% of the time, but if you're in a good relationship you should feel that way more often than not.

Can I ask you a sensitive question? Has he ever hit you? Even if it was just a little hit. Even if he had his reasons and apologised profusely afterwards. Just - has he ever hit you?

Let me tell you one more thing. Don't beat yourself about for 'loving too much'. We're all broken and faulty. We all have our weaknesses. We're all as human as each other.

I will do my very best to stay with you on Mumsnet and help you work through this until you decide what to do.

thank you so much for your advice. I am trying to write it all down. I guess It is just hard. I think too it is going to take a few days and at the mo, maybe because I know I feel so miserable and martyr-ish I can't see any good. I can't remember any times that weren't ruined by some remark or action of his.

No he hasn't hit me and I guess if he ever did it would be the deal breaker really. I could never stand for that.

I just am terrified that this will open up alot of closets with alot of skeletons in and stuff I don't want to remember. And stuff I don't have answers too.

you know what. I'd just like for us all to be happy but in four years we have had very little happiness so I don't even know if it's possible.

Skeletons, eh. Ah, yes, I've got to know my own skeletons rather well.

What were you afraid of when you were little? A strange man at the end of your road? A dark alleyway that you couldn't see into? It's always something unknown which frightens us the most, but as we get older that strange, scary man seems not frightening at all, but sad and lonely. And the alley - just abandoned and full of weeds.

Okay, I'm probably beginning to sound like a cheesy Hollywood film script here, but my point is firstly that your skeletons may not all be as bad as you fear. And secondly (and this is the most important bit) onceyou start to face them, they won't frighten you any more. Because by looking them in the eye and unpacking them, you will gain power over them. How much stronger will that make you?

Glad he hasn't hit you. Oh, and - nobody has all the answers. xx

I guess that the skelentons I hide really reflect on any and this relationship I have. If I were to go all out psychological and analyse myself.

My skeletons are pretty big and seens as there is really only my sister left - she has a very one sided view too ~ which some is mine too but not all. I kinda have no one to talk it through with and atm I can deal with it. The person, doesn't scare me. I think, I actually have power over them really for fear of repecussions or maybe the fact they have failed with their duty. I dunno. I don't want to use that card as a reason for pity/help/or just to use it in any way to gain any type of unfair judgement. I don't want to be felt sorry for. Pity will just make me sadder.

He has come home from work tonight. He hasn't talked about the problem. He said in various emails... he doesn't want to leave, he loves us, he loves the kids he has made mistakes etc... He still isn't admitting the escort stuff. But I can't physically prove it, which annoys me because part of me wants to believe him but I know I can't. He has lied too much in the past about stuff. It's DD'd birthday tomorrow which is part of the reason why I couldn't really not let him in tonight and now I think about it, maybe tomorrow too but him not being willing to talk about it and face the problem ~ I guess makes it worse. He is still sleeping on the sofa tho. And tbh, I don't want him anywhere near me or the kids, but I know it's pretty mean and irrational to be like that for the kids point of view (not mine!)

Thankyou Mrs.ThierryHenri you're a star! P.s. i'm still writing and still don't know what the future holds. Although the bottle of wine I drank tonight made me feel pretty fuzzy and uncaring.

You really do need to get this sorted out - because it just wont go away and i think it could come back in the futurek- when he will think this is so old and should be done with.

Get some help and see if he will come too, because believe me this is not going to go away and he needs to know this.

You dont need proof of the escort thing - your gut feeling is all you need to know and whether it is right or wrong (and i bet it is right) it is making you feel awful and that should be enough for you to take action.

He has made mistakes - thats ok but at what point will it be enough.

I just feel from what you are saying that you are going to put up with not being happy because you dont have a big enough reason to change it - and that is the saddest part of all.

Get him to face the fact that there is a problem and try and get it sorted together.

Feel free to ignore you? Why have you put that in your title. I think that says a lot about how you feel right now.

He lies to you. Even if he's telling you the truth now, (which I doubt), he can hardly blame you for doubting him.

I think you and your children could do a lot better than this loser.

Imagine having a partner who would make you feel good and who you could trust? I reckon the search begins from now. Get rid of your DP.

Well said, Winky

Good advice to you here pol26. It's clear you feel very alone, but look how much people here are concerned about you. MrsTheirryHenri put it very well - we're all broken and faulty, we all have our weaknesses. I can't tell you how many women I know - myself included - that haven't been through relationships in which we've put up with such poor behviour, and had our self-esteem taken to its lowest level.

You say you're scared of being lonely. I was in a similar situation, but ended up walking out (also having to force out a rather emotionally abusive partner who cheated on me, but didn't want to leave) because I thought - well, I'm lonely in this relationship. Perhaps lonely on my own will feel less lonely than lonely with him. And it did feel less lonely to be alone, because I at least had myself, if that makes any sense to you. With him messing with my head and confusing the hell out of me, I didn't have myself or him, and felt very issolated from everyone else, too.

The hardest bit is to walk out of the relationship. If that's what you want, try and consider that it may well get easier once you don't have him brining you down every day.

Good luck. I'll be watching this thread and hoping the best for you. xx