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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair advice

51 replies

caniforgive · 26/04/2020 08:12

My husband had an affair. I want to forgive for several reasons, but I'm finding it hard to stop replaying it in my mind. Any advice? I went to one counselling session about 8 years ago and didn't find it useful, so I'm wary of trying it now. Are there any books or forums you could recommend? Thank you

OP posts:
doodles17 · 26/04/2020 13:30

Does anyone know how to PM on this site? I'm sure Iv done it before but can't remember how to do it now

Greenkit · 26/04/2020 14:36

@doodles17 - run along from your name and 'message poster'

I agree, he is minimising and only telling you what he thinks he can get away with. I.e. they only slept together once ... hmmm right

No flirty messages....yea right

doodles17 · 26/04/2020 14:44

I can't seem to do it? Can I do it in the app or do I need to open safari?

Ryah1 · 26/04/2020 14:52

its very early days. My advice seek solo counselling, So you can address your own feelings. Take each day as it comes, be careful who in your family/ friends you confide in and take time to do things for yourself such as meditation, yoga etc

Brainengaged1 · 29/04/2020 01:41

Of course now he is trying to save the marriage ! He missed his cake and security that he had with you .
I don’t know your DH but you do know that he can’t be trusted.
Mine was on a web site promised to stop , coz he loved me . He would do whatever to get me back , tried relate then Covid broke out . He cancelled his online dating service that he had confessed to joining only to join up with another one so that when corona was over he could be back to full throttle. . He didn’t know that I knew that bit.

Luckily I found out, as I turned into detective mode , I was of course so angry and disappointed in him . But the truth is the truth . I’m now divorcing him . It’s not my job to fix him and help him understand why he done this to us .

Focus on you and your recovery . It’s not easy , but you can do it . Your life is precious and your love is not something to be gambled with .

Don’t be his option and a supplement to this ow .
Sending you strength and kindness x

beenwhereyouare · 29/04/2020 05:33

@doodles17
Sorry if you've already figured this out, but I use the web version and to PM I tap the 3 dots beside Bookmark, then select PM from that submenu. The dots and bookmark option are at the bottom right of every post.

doodles17 · 29/04/2020 07:36

@beenwhereyouare thanks lovely! I managed to figure it out in the end tho 🤣🤣 xx

Magpie18 · 29/04/2020 10:01

@FlowerArranger talks so much sense, please listen. I’m almost six years on but did everything “wrong” because of my personal circumstances at the time - I’m still paying for it.

I didn’t tell anyone IRL, didn’t have any sort of counselling, just read a few books (which I found helpful) & joined SI. I wish I’d have read the Reconciliation forum on there first......... Also, I wasn’t on Mumsnet then either, the advice and support may well have helped me make different choices.

Please don’t hurry any decisions, get real life support & look after yourself Flowers

Bells3032 · 29/04/2020 10:33

It's only been a week, it is very early to just forgive and forget. I would deff not recommend giving up on counselling. I haven't had relationship counselling but I did have bereavement counselling and tried about 5 before I found someone I was comfortable with. All counsellors are different and you'll have different chemistry with some over others. It was deff worth it.

My father had had a lot as a child and when my mum got sick he was very reticent about seeing someone. We persuaded him and this women really supported him and helped him get back to being the man I always loved and admired....4 years later I met a wonderful man on a dating app and married him last year. That Counsellor who helped my father is now my mother in law(though she has never mentioned it to me or him).

Original poster
caniforgive · 29/04/2020 10:37

Thanks everyone for the helpful advice. I'm still swinging between anger and sadness. I hate this person I am and the venom I am spitting. I hate that he has done this to me. I do read the replies but don't always have it in me to reply

OP posts:
NotMyNigel · 29/04/2020 12:26

You are allowed to be angry. Furious. Incandescent.

You don’t have to be understanding and forgiving just yet ( if at all). You need time to process it and heal.

Remember anger is a normal stage of grief.

category12 · 29/04/2020 12:38

How is he behaving? Is he letting you talk and be angry and cry?

You're bound to be all over the place. It's very early days. Give yourself a break. The person you love has betrayed you massively.

HappyintheHills · 30/04/2020 07:40

@caniforgive I think you need to consider your options with your own counsellor before any couples therapy.

GoldenGapYear · 30/04/2020 08:29

I am sorry, it isn't what you want to hear, but you will never fully get over it. It will stay in your mind and come back when things are tough etc. Even those who "got through it" and are "stronger than ever" will have it come back and replay time and time again they just learn not to bring it up continuously.

FlowerArranger · 30/04/2020 09:51

@GoldenGapYear is right. Be aware that you WILL think of his affair every single day if you stay with him. Even if things go well and you truly reconcile and are happy together, memories will nevertheless continue to flash up in your mind at some point every single day. Sometimes during sex... You may have processed it, it may not matter any more, you may be over it...... - but it will still be there. Forever.

DisneyMillie · 30/04/2020 11:57

A week is too soon to think of anything rationally. I’m 10 months into trying to forgive after my dh had a 4 month affair. We’ve done 2 lots of counselling (8 months of it in total) and both said it takes between one and two years to get a version of normal back.

Please be prepared that he’s probably minimising - my dh did and most apparently do - they’re trying to cover themselves and save their relationships so lie about how much happened. He needs to know it’s the drip drip of truth that’s almost more damaging than whatever actually happened.

You both need to have complete honesty with what it was and work out why it happened - it’s often complicated and a counsellor can help with that.

Give yourself time and don’t make any quick decisions to stay or go. Be kind to yourself. If you choose to stay it’s a really really tough road - harder than leaving - and I think it will always haunt you what he’s done but I think a relationship can survive and be good despite it if you both really want it.

Original poster
caniforgive · 01/05/2020 08:11

That's what's horrible, the drip drip of information. He says I know everything, but of course I don't trust him. I want to contact the other woman, but she lied to me initially too, so I don't see why she would tell the truth now

OP posts:
Burmesecatlover · 01/05/2020 08:45

I am sorry you are going through this painful experience. I was in your shoes two years ago. Finding out about an affair is a hugely traumatic experience and it is very difficult to think straight/make decisions. Let things settle, seek support (friends, counselling, family) and look after yourself (sleep, food, movement). Take whatever time you need to make decisions - this might not be months and months down the line. Don't feel rushed or pressured by anyone. This is not something that can be made okay quickly and anyone who thinks it is does not appreciate the effect trauma/stress has on our minds and bodies. Take care.

Doughnut100 · 01/05/2020 09:28

Sorry this has happened to you. I just wanted to chip in and agree with what lots of people have already said about counselling. Your own private counselling without him will help you work out how you feel. Then you could move on to couples counselling with him if you choose to work on your relationship. Also, most importantly, you have to have a good rapport and good feeling about your therapist/counsellor. If you don't feel 100% good about one, don't give up on therapy, just find another and keep trying until you find the right one. The chemistry between you and your therapist is more important than the type of therapy you choose. I'm really sorry if this seems naive because obviously it's not cheap and times are hard. But in my opinion therapy is really worth investing in if it's an option to you. Sending you love and support xx

Brainengaged1 · 01/05/2020 10:00

I wouldn’t recommend contacting her as tempting as it is .

She is not a friend , ally whatevs. She is a skank , not worthy of your time . She will not add any value to how you feel , she is not a counsellor who will give you great insight into why your man cheated . Contacting her will only fuel the power she had over you and your man who is on a voyage of discovery .

Get help for yourself . I know you want to fix him , but fix yourself first . Imagine you are on a plane and the oxygen masks drop down
You put your masks on first then you can help others .
Hand on there you will find your strength .

FlowerArranger · 01/05/2020 10:26

That's what's horrible, the drip drip of information. He says I know everything, but of course I don't trust him.

Affair 101: Cheaters will only ever admit what they know you already know. And there will always be more that you'll never know. Much more.

Plus: the affair didn't mean anything, it just happened, the OW was inconsequential, I've told you everything, you and I have a good thing - don't wreck it, you need to get over it, let's move on... [There's a script...]

I want to contact the other woman, but she lied to me initially too, so I don't see why she would tell the truth now

Don't even think of going there. Nothing would come of it than yet more pain.

All you can do at this point is focus on YOU, and what is best for you. YOU are the only person who has your best interests at heart. And bear in mind that the 'easier' path often turns out to be harder in the long run.

DisneyMillie · 01/05/2020 11:44

I spoke to the OW when I found out about my DHs affair. It didn’t really help - you’ll never trust what they say is true and it’s their perspective on things which could genuinely be different to your DHs anyway.

You’ll be searching and questioning for some time - it’s part of the process.

But in the end you’ll realise that the details aren’t really the important thing - he betrayed your trust and cheated - how often he did it with her, how much he did, did he care etc - all not really relevant anymore (assuming he also wants to make it work and doesn’t have feelings for OW now). It’s whether you can find a way to accept (not forgive or forget as such) that he’s done a terrible thing, whether he’s genuinely remorseful and if you both want to work to make the future better.

Take your time and look after yourself x

mamato3lads · 01/05/2020 15:39

As so many others have said, the pain stays forever.

Some days it is manageable, not so sore, doesn't make your stomach flip over when you think about it... but, still, it is always 'there' ...ruining things....even happy days....the thoughts remain, tormenting you. Nothing feels the same ever again. It's the price of betrayal. I'm so sorry you're going through this hell. X

Original poster
caniforgive · 01/05/2020 18:01

Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate your kind words and support. You're right, I won't contact her as I don't want to give her more power over me

OP posts:
Rainandspirit · 01/05/2020 22:57

I am coming up to a year at the end of this month from finding out about the affair. And I still have bad days. I look back now and I can see that I was just on auto pilot for the 1st 3/4 months. I to wanted to contact the ow but decided that it was best not to. Yes she was involved and knew he was married but she was not the one I was married to. Plus you never know what bullshit he has told her.
Take each day as it comes don’t rush into anything. Even if u decided to stay you can always leave further down the line.
Take care xxxx

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