It was all a lie

[Lilolily]

I went to bed at midnight after a really nice evening with my daughters cheering me up but have just laid awake thinking and crying so gave up in the end and thought perhaps writing out how I’m feeling might help.

I’ve commented on a few threads lately about being separated from a lover during lockdown, not giving up hope of finding someone etc about how much I was missing him and how happy I was, only to now find out that it was all a lie.

I innocently stumbled on some tweets (I don’t generally use twitter) from a woman stating how she couldn’t wait to see him. I thought this odd, noticing this was March this year, so looked further into it and didn’t like what I found. I asked him who she was and he told me a friend from before we were together. I asked when he last saw her and he lied. When presented with the screenshots he lied again, saying he saw her but nothing happened and he didn’t know how to tell me. I told him I needed to think and messaged her, hoping she would say yes, what he said is true but I knew deep down she wouldn’t.

She knew nothing about me and basically was having the same relationship with him that I was. He has sent us the same pictures, messages, told us the same things and even managed to somehow subtly convince us both that we have brought up the subject of kink and make us think we were on some great sex journey with this vanilla lad.

When I told him it was over he swore that it hadn’t all been a lie, that he’d wanted to end things with her and just be with me but was too weak to do it. I want to believe that just a little bit because at least then he might be hurting but I know it’s probably just bull and he’s back on PoF selecting his next victims already.

I know I’m better off without him and trust me there’s no way I’d take him back but I feel torn, on the one hand I can’t believe this has happened and I feel so stupid for being taken in, he was just so.... normal. It’s not like he was some super hot stud who showered me with gifts and attention and wooed me, he just seemed like a really nice, genuine bloke. I mean, how much of a bad judge of character can I be? On the other hand I’m devastated, grieving for the person I thought he was and the loving relationship I thought I was in.

The other girlfriend is a badass amazing woman. I felt so awful breaking the news to her (particularly as she just got blocked and has yet to receive even an apology despite my telling him to show her some respect) but she’s been lovely and keeps checking in with me to see I’m ok, she even tagged me in a competition to win a sex toy because “damn if we don’t deserve a treat after this!”

I don’t even know why I’m posting, I guess I just needed to get it all out. I feel like in the circumstances I should just be angry and not need to be upset and move on but I’m just so sad and disappointed. It took me 4 years to trust someone and I really thought he was special.

Has anyone else gone through this or similar? Any and all advice welcome!

Thanks for reading x

I'm sorry this happened, what a scumbag. You can get as upset as you like, feel however you need to. Make sure you take care of yourself and ignore what that liar is telling you, you are worth so much more.

Pofi is full of preditory creeps, really.

Thanks for responding ladies. I know PoF is not great but he just seemed so nice. We chatted for ages before meeting and he was never sexual in messages or pushy at all, just really lovely. In fact, apart from the whole having another girlfriend thing, he was pretty great, but not in an over the top way, just thoughtful, caring, kind....

I said from day one just don’t lie to me, if you meet someone else or you’re just not feeling it anymore or if there’s a problem no matter what just don’t shut me out or lie to me, and he promised.

The tweet about seeing him in 5 days was before the weekend he took me home to meet his parents. We went Friday to Sunday. The other girlfriend arrived on the Tuesday and stayed 48 hours. He sent me messages saying I love you that must have been sent when they were in bed.

The weird thing is, I woke from a nightmare that I was stood at the end of his bed and another woman was in my space. I couldn’t move or shout and I woke crying. I then couldn’t sleep so went online and then I found out about all of this. Intuition or coincidence?

I’ve just posted with a similar experience, except I’m the fool he forgave multiple times, HE is the problem not you. Be kind to yourself x

He took BOTH of you to see his parents...one straight after the other?? Bloody hell...what on earth must they have thought!! That's really disturbing!

No, sorry I didn’t explain that very well. she was at HIS house 2 days after he took me to meet his parents. She didn’t meet the parents. Just an extra little kick in the teeth, finding out the timescales you know?

I'm so sorry, what a waste of space he is and how understandably disappointing for you. There's nothing wrong with your judgement - some people are very good liars and noone is a mind-reader.

Can I just say though how wonderful it is to read a story like this involving two women who a) kick him to the curb as soon as they find out and b) band together and stick up for each other rather than turning on each other?

Bravo! You both sound great

LoveabitofRain - thank you. I’m trying to remember that.

BlueMorning - he is really good, I honestly trusted him implicitly. Her only crime is being as trusting as me.

What a lying little lowlife. Take some comfort in knowing that last month he thought he was such a big man with two women on the go. Now he's in lockdown on his own and luckily for the rest of us no chance of finding his next victims for the foreseeable future. Watch some Stephanie Lyn coaching videos and be kind to yourself. My stbxh after abusing me was on POF. I've reported his profile but he will abuse the next poor woman. It's a pattern with these men that can't be changed so when he promises the world please remember he's a liar and he lies to get what he wants. Onwards and upwards

Happened to me, but only found out recently after we broke up. He was a love bomber at the start, made me feel special. We discussed our past. He had been cheated on and said he was hurt. We had. Conversation few months in an decided to be exclusive.

Broke up in January as something felt off to me. No dramas, just ended it. We decided to maybe try again. Saw each other, he stayed over a few times. Lockdown happened. Turns out he had started to see someone day after our exclusive chat. He is now in lockdown with her.

We were speaking as friends and we joked to do lockdown together. But obviously she was a better offer. Looking through her Facebook she was who he said he was with but insert his mates name as her.

She has texted me to ask what went on with him. She has said they are good mates and platonic friends. But I had never heard of her and there are suggestive pics on Facebook of their lockdown journey - without him tagged, but he brought his cats to her house.

He is putting posts of suggesting he is at his house, but it’s a cover as he can’t see his kid during lockdown as people have figured out his rubbish lies and his ex won’t let their kid see him as he is between 2 households and lying.

I have not replied to her or his text. It’s rubbish being lied to. I did notice signs but ignored my gut.

I think you're being very hard on yourself. Were you supposed to instantly know when he sent you a message that he has also sent it to another woman you don't even know exists? No one has that level of intuition. If you went through life expecting that level of deception you'd be miserable and paranoid. You went on the information he gave you and the problem is ALL him not your 'poor judge of character'. Deceiving is the crime here not believing. I'm so sorry he did this to you. You have done nothing wrong. Don't doubt yourself and end up as someone who expects the worse from people. Feel as hurt as you need to but keep in view that there is nothing wrong with you. In fact trusting and being vulnerable with someone are strengths. Head high and move forward. You are and always will be a better, more loving person and this will give you a better life than the false one he creates.

Thank you so much all of you for taking the time to read and reply. I hadn’t trusted for 4 years until him and it surprised me how much I actually did trust him and how quickly. Im lucky i guess that the other girlfriend is a good person(I mean, we are scarily alike!) and we are going through it together. For her he was her first relationship after a 20 year marriage which just sucks so bad. I’m glad we have found out now, whilst we haven’t physically seen him for a while or would be able to, gives time and no temptation to contact and get sucked back in. My heart wants to believe it meant something but the more I speak to her the more I realise how fake it all was. There’s no chance of any closure from him because if his lips are moving he’ll be lying! So We’ll have to make our own. We have made a pact not to allow this to make us bitter, we are goddesses and he doesn’t deserve either of us!

I think I’m angry today, and that’s ok I’m going to just go with it and rage clean!

GinBunny I’m sorry this has happened to you too. How are you dealing with it? X

Let yourself feel what you feel what you feel before you even try to get "over it".

You were duped. I also met a complete weirdo on POF. He turn3ed out to be a voyeur, but theceorst part of it was how he manipulated me. I hadnt thought i was that maleable. I have changed a lot since that experience. It has actually been for the best in the long run.

You will feel better, when you have processed this. 🍷

It may not seem like it now.. but the good thing too come out of this might be a very good friendship..

and I have to ask.. what must his parents have thought.. with his.. one in one out revolving door

It’s not you or your poor judgement. Some people are just arseholes. He sounds quite pathological. Of course you’re going to hurt and you’re going to grieve. Allow yourself the time to do this and thank god you no longer have this piece of shit in your life

@BumbleBeee69 - just worked out how to tag! No sorry I phrased that badly, he didn’t take her to his parents, but she tagged him excited about seeing him before the weekend we went to see his parents and then she arrived at HIS house in the Tuesday after we got back and stayed for 48 hours.

@Lilolily I am fine now. Gone through the emotions. Upset, angry why her and not me. But ultimately now realised missed the red flags. Basically his past relationships were dysfunctional and codependent. He liked the rescuer and instant family role. He craved security. We had big discussions over it. He wanted to change his pattern. I want someone who is an equal and right need rescued.

I am independent, no kids, own house, active life etc. He got huffy when he realised I earned more than him. I then got a promotion and I am ambitious to succeed.

Lies unravelled at the end. He got pushed out of a job or be sacked. Left debt collector letters lying about. Now in a good job but scared incase he got laid off - kind of second chance. His ex’s were weird and nothing was his fault. He was talk but no action. I like going out to eat , he liked Nando’s. Nothing wrong with that, but I want to try new places.

He craved drama and grass was always greener. He saw a shiny object and went fir without thinking, then regretted. To be honest I was too normal for him. He craved normality which I offered, Especially with his teenager. She was fed up being replaced by instant family and I didn’t do that, she was priority. but he couldn’t handle it as he didn’t have a Rescuer place. Being equal was a new thing to him.

I am happy he is now depressed as his kid won’t see him as he is with another woman and her family.

Sorry I don’t need rescued

Ah last sentence needs a comma. I am happy, he is not and depressed.

@Lilolily i am not surprised that both you and the other girfriend are good people. There is a type of man on line who like a vampire wants the energy of good people plural, but without being a decent human being to either one. Like the energy he drained from you and from her is just on tap, a resource for him.

The man who conned me, funnily enough, i only saw the whole picture in clear focus when he tried to overstep the boundary of another woman and she set him straight politely. He was angry. It was the first time i had seen him feel or express anger. He had been a real "freedom is in your head" merchant and had seemed the total opposite of my abusive xh because his manner was quite gentle. It took me a while to see it but luckily, i did. Lesson learnt.

Sorry this has happened. Make sure you block and don't let him back.
I gave someone multiple chances. He would always give a long apology and I took him back. He made me feel special, last time i saw him gave me expensive underwear. Now hes gone again! not even a goodbye. I know it wasn't him I was addicted to it was just the way he made me feel.

@Ginbunny1212😂😂 I think your last sentence is better without the comma 😂😂

We trust until we have reason not to. He set out to deceive you and it's nothing to do with you being a poor judge of character. He's just a great conman.

I'm glad you found out the truth and the other lady knows as well.

@HaveAtEm haha. Maybe a Freudian grammatical slip. I feel for his kid.