It was all a lie

[Lilolily]

I went to bed at midnight after a really nice evening with my daughters cheering me up but have just laid awake thinking and crying so gave up in the end and thought perhaps writing out how I’m feeling might help.

I’ve commented on a few threads lately about being separated from a lover during lockdown, not giving up hope of finding someone etc about how much I was missing him and how happy I was, only to now find out that it was all a lie.

I innocently stumbled on some tweets (I don’t generally use twitter) from a woman stating how she couldn’t wait to see him. I thought this odd, noticing this was March this year, so looked further into it and didn’t like what I found. I asked him who she was and he told me a friend from before we were together. I asked when he last saw her and he lied. When presented with the screenshots he lied again, saying he saw her but nothing happened and he didn’t know how to tell me. I told him I needed to think and messaged her, hoping she would say yes, what he said is true but I knew deep down she wouldn’t.

She knew nothing about me and basically was having the same relationship with him that I was. He has sent us the same pictures, messages, told us the same things and even managed to somehow subtly convince us both that we have brought up the subject of kink and make us think we were on some great sex journey with this vanilla lad.

When I told him it was over he swore that it hadn’t all been a lie, that he’d wanted to end things with her and just be with me but was too weak to do it. I want to believe that just a little bit because at least then he might be hurting but I know it’s probably just bull and he’s back on PoF selecting his next victims already.

I know I’m better off without him and trust me there’s no way I’d take him back but I feel torn, on the one hand I can’t believe this has happened and I feel so stupid for being taken in, he was just so.... normal. It’s not like he was some super hot stud who showered me with gifts and attention and wooed me, he just seemed like a really nice, genuine bloke. I mean, how much of a bad judge of character can I be? On the other hand I’m devastated, grieving for the person I thought he was and the loving relationship I thought I was in.

The other girlfriend is a badass amazing woman. I felt so awful breaking the news to her (particularly as she just got blocked and has yet to receive even an apology despite my telling him to show her some respect) but she’s been lovely and keeps checking in with me to see I’m ok, she even tagged me in a competition to win a sex toy because “damn if we don’t deserve a treat after this!”

I don’t even know why I’m posting, I guess I just needed to get it all out. I feel like in the circumstances I should just be angry and not need to be upset and move on but I’m just so sad and disappointed. It took me 4 years to trust someone and I really thought he was special.

Has anyone else gone through this or similar? Any and all advice welcome!

Thanks for reading x

Sadly it’s always the children who suffer 😢

Thankyou so much all of you for taking the time to reply.

I’m trying really hard not to message him. I know I’m better off, but I miss the person I thought I loved.

I just need to know why 💔

Why take me to meet his parents? That’s beyond cruel.

@Lilolily hi there , I’d really urge you to read about narcissist personality disorder. Narcissism is of course a spectrum, but at its worst it is horrific and incredibly cruel and abusive.

Ive never used an online dating site but am I crazy for thinking that POF is primarily for sex hook ups and conning people?
Does anyone ever meet decent men on this site?
I used to work with a woman who met her BF on there and he was bipolar and violent and wore her down into a shell of her former self.
I also used to work with a woman who used POF to go on dates and steal their credit card details. My impression of it now is that it’s a cess pit? I googled POF and most of the results were warnings not to go in there as most of the profiles are fake or from con artists?

I always thought Tinder was the just for hook ups site. To be honest I think it’s the same folks on all of them, even the pay ones.

@PeanutDouglas thank you. I will. I’ve just seen that he’s back on Tinder. There is no why, I just have to accept that it was all fake and move on.

I received an email tonight from him, apologising and accepting full responsibility. No excuses, no pleas for a second chance or blaming, just I messed up and I’m sorry I hurt you.

I think I might finally sleep tonight.

And just know he copied and pasted that same apology to the other woman too.

I’m in touch with the other woman, he hasn’t contacted her at all. I hope he does because she deserves at least that much.

OP sleep well

Pof is the number one for baaaad men OP!

Pay for dating sites. Don't trust someone on these bad sites.

I hope you don't forgive him!

I'm glad you both found out he's a liar. Worse than that manipulation you into thinking something untrue sexually too. Creep!

Awake again 😔 at least I managed a few hours.

There’s no way I would ever take him back, and maybe it is lies, but I feel like I got a little closure.

I wont tell him I forgive him, but I don’t want to be angry and bitter, it’s exhausting and only hurts me more in the long run.

If you feel forgiving him will help you with closure then forgive. It is still early days and your brain is coming to terms with what has happened / the mix of emotions / the withdrawal of happy hormones. Be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. You are the good person

Thank you x

Sorry this happened to you OP. You and the other lady sound equally awesome!

I wish you a future that includes you and her becoming really good friends and inspiring a lucrative film franchise about two badass bitches who mete out deserving punishment on shady wastemen everywhere. Working title: SISTERS BEFORE MISTERS.

I’d watch it! 😂
Thank you x

I don't think this is a POF thing but after reading your story, it does make me feel wary about who I'm chatting with generally on these sites if people can lie so easily. My current iron says he is single but how do I really know!!?

I guess we don’t, that’s the thing. But if we never take a chance life would be very lonely. X

Poor you. When you open your heart and someone abuses your trust it’s always going to hurt like hell. I think most of us have been there in one format or another. We often ignore the best indice -our instincts !! I had my eyes open recently when I learned about my DPs best mate getting up to similar shenanigans. I couldn’t believe it cos I know the guy, he’s so lovely, sensitive, caring, .... and yet he was blatantly playing the field with about 3 women at a time !!!! Think men have become like kids in a candy store with the facility of online sites etc -it’s just soooo easy and there is no vetting system -he who dares does the dirty. Forget this idiot - he just ain’t worth it.

I do think men treat women they meet on line worse though.

Number of reasons. They don't know any of her friends, colleagues or family so they aren't accountable to even a mutual acquaintance who would think well of that woman and not want to see her treated badly by some randomer. They never meet. (Or if they do, it's not THEIR life, no overlap).

Various whore/madonna theories. Consciously or unconsciously a woman who went looking for love is either needy or a whore (this is on a spectrum. Even if they sliiiiightly think this, you're got a fuckwit not a keeper)

Sweet shop mentality

Men on line more likely to have attachment disorders

No friends first then evolves in to something else

The ENTITLEMENT of men who wouldn't exactly stop traffic or lead the masses with their charisma to date attractive women 15-20 years younger.

So. I'm not even a cynical person but I gave up OLDing. Such a relief!

^ thats exactly my experience of old. One thing ill say for it, it gave me a cold hard dose of reality.

Hi girls, just wanted to nip back to this thread and thank you all again. Update, I finally received the “I miss you” message and told him to jog on.

I’m doing ok. Still miss him but what he was serving is just not a good enough offer for me, I deserve better. We deserve better.

I’m still in touch with “other girlfriend” and she is awesome, we’ve supported and grown quite close (as close as you can in a lockdown!) we’re aiming to paint the town red together ASAP 😊

This happened to me too. Met a guy, thought he was so genuine, seemed so down to earth and we got on brilliantly. No love bombing, no sex chat - all great. Took things slow, he made me feel special and like it was going somewhere. Agreed to be exclusive, met his parents, he met mine and then out of the blue after about 9 months I find out he's been trying to get in everyone else's knickers behind my back. Meeting other girls regularly and still on a ton of dating apps chatting to anyone who'd give him attention.
Went from what I thought was a decent, respectable man to a snivelling little boy in an instant when he realised I knew.

I know what you mean about grieving the man you thought he was, that hit me really hard but I just had to keep reminding myself he was never real. Just a silly little boy trying to boost his ego

Sorry just seen your update. So lovely that you and the other girlfriend have grown so close.

So pleased to hear you have a great new friendship out of this, OP.
Maybe you and she can go out on the pull together, and find some decent real life men instead of the creeps online!
Once lockdown ends, it would also be an idea to join some clubs or classes for hobbies or sports, as another way of meeting men who share your interests. Before the internet, we all used to meet partners either this way or in pubs and nightclubs/discos - much easier to assess men’s honesty and motivation face to face than when they’re hiding behind an online tailored persona. Best wishes that you find a keeper.