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Original poster

Gender disappointment

62 replies

marshmellowdreams · 25/04/2020 21:58

Please not hate! Just wondered if anyone else has experienced gender disappointment when finding out the sex of their baby?

OP posts:
Notjustabrunette · 23/03/2021 19:21

No, but I can see how it could happen. I didn’t know the sex of any of my children until they were born. I’d had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy so was just really pleased I was pregnant. I said I didn’t mind what I had. But I remember when I was pregnant seeing a friend playing with her boy and girl gave me this massive pang that I really wanted one of each too. Which I never thought I would feel.

Itsybitsydooda · 23/03/2021 19:33

Wow there's some really harsh comments on here.
I think you are perfectly entitled to feel some loss OP. If you thought your baby was one sex and got a picture in your mind of how you saw life going etc to then find out its the opposite sex can be painful.
I'm lucky that I got 2 beautiful girls but I think in your situation I would have felt the same but given some time been happy.

GinaJaffacake · 23/03/2021 19:45

I haven’t experienced it but if I’m honest, I know deep down I’d have felt very sad not to have had sons. My DD came first and I love her to bits. I have a big gap before the boys came and truth be told I may have given up had I not had that longing for a son or if DD had in fact been a DS. I just feel I connect better with boys so I guess some women feel the same about girls. However, part of the OP’s disappointment will have come from her being told one sex then the other. We also knew the sex early on last time due to the Harmony test. I thought early testing was about 99% accurate these days?

Anonapuss · 23/03/2021 19:49

Clearly nobody has read all the replies because this is a ZOMBIE THREAD!!!

Tillytwilight · 23/03/2021 20:05

Yes, I felt really upset when I found out DC1 was a boy. I cried for 24 hours. It was a temporary thing though and DH got it out of me that I was actually upset because I’d already bought baby girl clothes. Easily remedied, but for some reason I thought I’d only have daughters 😂

Actually I’ve only got sons and I absolutely adore them. Think of the child, rather than it’s sex 💐

LivBa · 23/03/2021 20:05

@limpbizkit

Sigh. Let me guess - you wanted a girl and you got a boy? It's always that way round on here
To be fair I can totally see why. When they grow up, girls are generally closer to their mums, more interested in keeping in regular contact, and care more for their parents than boys are.

Also a lot of the time, you're closer with grandchildren and the whole experience of a new arrival if it's your own daughter rather than your daughter in law, for obvious reasons. Unless you're very lucky with a daughter in law, it's never the same "ease" as with your own child and DILs can often be blockers/hurdles to grandchildren and you're at their mercy, especially if they are difficult. DILs understandably are closer with their own mums.

Mummyof2Terrors · 23/03/2021 20:19

Absolute bollocks about girls staying close to their mothers. You only have to read the numerous threads on Mumsnet about poor mother daughter relationships.

LivBa · 23/03/2021 20:35

@Mummyof2Terrors

Absolute bollocks about girls staying close to their mothers. You only have to read the numerous threads on Mumsnet about poor mother daughter relationships.
@Mummyof2Terrors Well read my post 🙄 I said generally. Remember this forum is focused on dysfunctional relationships so of course we will get a lot of people on here who don't get on with their mums. I think boys can be very close to mum during childhood/teens but generally things change once they get girlfriends/wives, move out and make their own way in the world.

And it's doesn't necessarily mean men don't love their parents, but generally men relate to their birth families differently to girls. They don't stay in contact/visit as much and also when parents are in old age, it's mostly daughters who care for them and do practical things to help.

Mummyof2Terrors · 23/03/2021 20:42

Sorry, but you're talking absolute rubbish and fuelling the mindset of people don't want boys because of this.

I see my in laws and parents equally in normal times because my husband has a normal relationship with his parents, as does his brother. He sees them more than my sister in law does. You are perpetuating a very old fashioned mindset. I'm sure you believe the old trope 'a son is a son until he takes a wife'

🙄

Iwantanap · 23/03/2021 20:44

No i was just so happy to see a healthy baby with no anomilies on the scan. I have 2 boys and did get a lot of comments about my second not being a girl and that I would have to have another to try again to get a girl. Always from women who have a daughter. It made me more protective of my 2 gorgeous boys. For me the love is unconditional I couldn't feel disappointed. I would feel the same if they were both girls.

LivBa · 23/03/2021 21:00

@Mummyof2Terrors

Sorry, but you're talking absolute rubbish and fuelling the mindset of people don't want boys because of this.

I see my in laws and parents equally in normal times because my husband has a normal relationship with his parents, as does his brother. He sees them more than my sister in law does. You are perpetuating a very old fashioned mindset. I'm sure you believe the old trope 'a son is a son until he takes a wife'

🙄

@Mummyof2Terrors Do you really not understand what the word "generally" means ? Confused It's like people who insist the harm of cigarettes is overplayed because they know some people who lived to 100 years old yet chain smoked all their lives...

Of course I'm not saying there aren't men who are closer to their mums in adulthood than their sister, keep in more regular contact/visit their mum and do more to look after their parents than their sisters. Or MILs who are closer to their DIL than their own daughter. But the general trend is there. That saying didn't come from nowhere and pretending trends don't exist doesn't change anything. There are women who don't care about any of these things regarding closeness (and some may actually relate better to boys anyway) but it's very understandable why there are women who would prefer to have a daughter.

LivBa · 23/03/2021 21:04

Also men have had thousands of years of being the preferred sex so I don't think we need to worry about people "not wanting boys"

Mummyof2Terrors · 23/03/2021 21:04

🙄

Your world is very narrow is all I can say. Not a single man in my network who fits the description you paint, yet if that's the world you live in, I feel sad for you.

Mummyof2Terrors · 23/03/2021 21:06

@LivBa

Also men have had thousands of years of being the preferred sex so I don't think we need to worry about people "not wanting boys"
Once again, nonsense. Every gender disappointment thread on MN is about not having a daughter.

You stay stuck in that mindset. I hope you never have a daughter who goes on to have 'just' Sons if you are going to impart that on her.

cheesebubble · 23/03/2021 21:13

My second is a boy, I was confused and slightly upset when I found out.

They found something on the on the scan at 19 weeks, genetic testing, bi-weekly scans, more blood tests, more waiting, you name it. I quickly realised that the sex never mattered and never will again.

GinaJaffacake · 23/03/2021 21:29

My second is a boy, I was confused and slightly upset when I found out.

I’ve never understood the shock and confusion that some people experience. The disappointment I can grasp even though I didn’t personally experience it but surely you go in expecting to be told one or the other. Women who say things like ‘I just always assumed I’d have two daughters’ when on their first pregnancy make me wonder how much thought they’ve given to pregnancy and motherhood at all. 🤷‍♀️

GinaJaffacake · 23/03/2021 21:33

@cheesebubble, sorry, I’ve quoted you but I wasn’t specifically referring to you. Your post just reminded me of how often I’ve seen that said. I just read a lot on here women express shock at the sex of their first baby which I find incredulous. I can see how you may be surprised by a subsequent pregnancy if you feel exactly the same then find out that baby is the opposite sex from your first or first two.

LivBa · 23/03/2021 21:34

@Mummyof2Terrors
I'm simply reflecting the experience of many mums, up to you if you want to disagree with it. Your boys aren't grown up yet so you don't know how they'll turn out once they have partners/families of their own. I understand by having boys you probably want to shut down and deny any negative thoughts about what might happen in the future, which is fair enough.

A lot of women would prefer at least one of their children to be a girl. Nothing wrong with that and what you think about their preferences is completely irrelevant. Doesn't mean they love any sons they have any less.
Even just the MIL and grandkids point and the inherent risks that surround having a DIL you haven't chosen who's the main gatekeeper to the young grandkids, and who in any case has her own mum (the other grandma) who she'll naturally be closer to, would cause a lot of women to want at least one girl so they're more likely to have a closer experience.

Cattenberg · 23/03/2021 21:34

Gender (sex) disappointment is real and not uncommon. I think people should be able to talk about it, especially on an anonymous thread which their child should never find.

I feel heartbroken like I’ve lost the child I thought I had

I didn’t have gender disappointment, but I can understand this. I spent the first half of my pregnancy thinking about both possibilities. When I found out my baby was a girl, I was very happy and could concentrate on naming her (I was slightly concerned that I hadn’t found the right girls’ name).

But until then, I’d had very vivid daydreams of a dark-haired little boy called Leon, who was obsessed with dinosaurs and who couldn’t kick a football without falling over. And it sounds silly, but I had to accept that I wasn’t going to meet him after all.

Three years on, I feel certain that I had the child I was meant to have Grin. The idea that I might have had another child instead seems impossible.

LBTM · 23/03/2021 21:37

It's very understandable to have some disappointment if you were told one way and spent some time imagining the future with a child of that sex. Most people find they get used to the idea of what they are having pretty quickly. I was disappointed after finding out that DC3 was a boy (as is DC2) because our DD died as a baby and I took a while to accept that we wouldnt be a family with a girl again. It took a few months to love the idea of having 2 little boys and totally fell in love with DC3 when he was born. He's such a little ray of sunshine.

Cattenberg · 23/03/2021 21:45

Just realised this is a ZOMBIE.

But maybe it could help someone else.

cheesebubble · 23/03/2021 21:49

@GinaJaffacake

My second is a boy, I was confused and slightly upset when I found out.

I’ve never understood the shock and confusion that some people experience. The disappointment I can grasp even though I didn’t personally experience it but surely you go in expecting to be told one or the other. Women who say things like ‘I just always assumed I’d have two daughters’ when on their first pregnancy make me wonder how much thought they’ve given to pregnancy and motherhood at all. 🤷‍♀️

I don't think there is any shame in feeling the way I did, my pregnancy with my second child (I'm actually still pregnant with this one), started so different, I felt so so so sick and I had 0 sickness with my first, so I just assumed it had to be a girl. I had the harmony test done and it wasn't a girl which yes, came as a surprise and shock. I thought I knew if that makes sense?
Cattenberg · 23/03/2021 21:50

Cross-posted. I’m sorry about your DD, LBTM Flowers

LivBa · 23/03/2021 23:48

Gender (sex) disappointment is real and not uncommon. I think people should be able to talk about it, especially on an anonymous thread which their child should never find.

Exactly. Don't know who certain posters think they are, trying to act as thought police due to their own insecurity of having boys. A lot of women have gender preferences. It's completely normal.

Winelover13 · 24/03/2021 06:43

It’s reassuring to read some of these comments. I am pregnant and from the very start I thought I was having a girl , my best friend got me girls clothes because she thought the same . I just had always envisioned having a little baby girl. I was almost certain that was what I was carrying inside of me . When we found out we were having a little boy, of course I was happy but I couldn’t help but feel a little upset that the girl I had presumed I was having isn’t there.
I just can’t explain the feeling - I tried talking to a friend about it and she just thought I was crazy and said as long as they are healthy that’s all that matters . Which YES I completely agree!! However I can’t help the way I feel. I’m sure I’ll be different once baby is here xx