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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Problems 7 months in

49 replies

Idealheight · 25/04/2020 21:42

My partner and I have been together 7 months.he moved in with me 4 months ago.yeah it was quick but both felt it was right.our sex life has went to pot in that 4 months.being have had it twice in that time.The past few weeks hes stopped coming to bed with me about 4 days out the week.he sits up all night and goes to bed when I get up.ive spoke to him about it and he said he would start coming to bed with me..lasted a week.im sure hes not talking to another women..I'd eat my hat if that were true.im not really feeling my best just now,I'm a nurse and dealing with covid on a daily basis.i feel coming home is a waste of time.i feel unloved,unattractive. I've told him this but he thinks I'm overreacting and said he has insomnia.He didnt for the first 3 months!
Is anyone experiencing this as I feel all alone.this should surely be a honeymoon period.i do love him and sure he loves me but I'm finding it hard to continue,but then I feely guilty as hes just moved in.

OP posts:

Healthyandhappy · 25/04/2020 21:57

I'd maybe see if he has anywhere else to go and stay 2gether but not live together?

lardass88 · 25/04/2020 21:59

Sounds like my ex! It never got better and he turned into a cocklodger

Timeslikethese2020 · 25/04/2020 22:01

Yes does sound odd. What is he doing when he’s up all night?

I don’t see what either of you are getting from the relationship.

Justmuddlingalong · 25/04/2020 22:02

He moved in because it felt right for both of you, it doesn't really matter that it was quite quickly.
It now doesn't feel right for you, and you're perfectly entitled to tell him to move back out. I'm sorry you're feeling shitty, but he's coming across as a bit of a cocklodger. Would that be a fair assumption?

billy1966 · 25/04/2020 22:11

You are being used OP.

He moved in to suit him after 5 minutes because it suited him.

You deserve better.

Protect yourself.

Original poster

Idealheight · 25/04/2020 22:11

Hes online.i dont know.but when I got up for work this morning at 6am he was active on Facebook.i asked him what was so fascinating at that time instead of coming to bed with me,I'm still waiting on a reply.i know what you are all saying is what I've been thinking.ive had a few failed relationships.im 44 years old and feel it is happening all over again..people taking advantage of my kindness

OP posts:

GrannySlippersAreAStepTooFar · 25/04/2020 22:13

This really won't get any better. And really you moved in together way too quickly. You hardly knew him. I think this is proven by how he is now.
Sex twice in four months, and he doesn't seem that bothered does he? In fact it seems like he's actively avoiding being in the situation sex may be expected or hoped for.
Seriously, you need to ask him to move out. He's destroying your self confidence. And believe me, it takes a lot to regain that.

Navelwort · 25/04/2020 22:19

You moved in with someone you hardly knew, but it’s not a mistake you’re obliged to live with forever.

Original poster

Idealheight · 25/04/2020 22:25

@GrannySlippersAreAStepTooFar believe I know what it's like.my ex used to tell me who looked better than me.ditched him after 10 long months.im gutted I'm starting to feel the same without even being told that

OP posts:

GrannySlippersAreAStepTooFar · 25/04/2020 22:33

You ought to ask him to move out. And please don't feel guilty for it. He should be the one feeling guilty, treating you this way, but I doubt he is.

This wasn't what you signed up for was it? You deserve better than this, I hope you know that.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/04/2020 22:47

Tell this 'selfish 'cock lodger cretin' to move out.. at least when you lived alone you were Queen of your Castle lady... Stay Safe

CodenameVillanelle · 25/04/2020 22:54

yeah it was quick but both felt it was right

And now after a bit more time you've realised it wasn't right. I hope you reflect on why gut feelings to move in With men after 3 months shouldn't be trusted.

funnylittlefloozie · 25/04/2020 23:10

.yeah it was quick but both felt it was right

Are you sure you felt it was right, or was it him pushing to move in, or you just not wanting to be alone? Look, you can have loving, caring fulfilling relationships without plunging into living together. Enjoy the fun of dating, before you fall straight into washing his pants and doing the laundry.

Original poster

Idealheight · 25/04/2020 23:18

I really appreciate all this advice.hes justvsaid to my I'm just like his ex.but no wonder if he was carrying on like this.i promised myself I'd never feel like this again and I've done it...yet again

OP posts:

letsdolunch321 · 25/04/2020 23:27

@idealheight, you made a mistake allowing him to move in quickly.

Don't beat yourself up tell him asap you are not happy with the situation as it is "I want you to move out by tomorrow afternoon & I will be having door keys back"

Stick by your guns - good luck

Justmuddlingalong · 25/04/2020 23:29

You and his ex do have something in common. You used to be in a relationship with him, but that's now in the past. Boot him out, take some time to work on your self esteem and stay single for a while. A bad relationship is far worse than no relationship. Good luck.

Bringmewineandcake · 25/04/2020 23:30

You made a mistake, it's fine.
Fresh start from tomorrow

Bananalanacake · 25/04/2020 23:45

Does he pay towards the bills and food. Could he go back to where he lived before or did he stop renting his place.

OldWomanSaysThis · 26/04/2020 00:38

Did he need a place to live?

Treacletoots · 26/04/2020 08:17

It's OK OP. We all make mistakes, and I also continued to date abusive freeloading arseholes until I gave my head a wobble and got some advice.

But what's important now is that you don't continue going forward. Kick this horrid cocklodger out and spend time being single. Work on yourself and don't date again until you truly understand what you should accept from a relationship and believe it.

Life's too short to be unhappy. Don't be in a relationship unless it improves your life. You are enough. You can do this.

LiteraryType · 26/04/2020 09:21

Get rid. You're better than this.

monkeymonkey2010 · 26/04/2020 10:02

People take advantage of your kindness OP because you allow them to.
Where are your boundaries?

My partner and I have been together 7 months.he moved in with me 4 months ago.yeah it was quick but both felt it was right
This doesn't sound like someone who has any boundaries....it sounds like a desperate teenager.
YOU were still in the honeymoon phase of a new 'relationship' and HE was just looking for ways to use you - he doesn't fancy you and he definitely doesn't love you.

I bet he just wanted to move in asap to cut his own costs and have a woman doing all the running round after him - and he's got it.

Thing is - are you going to continue acting like a lust-driven teenager or make healthy, adult decisions for yourself?

Inconnu · 26/04/2020 10:05

It does sound like he's using you OP. And has probably behaved similarly with other women judging by the comment about his ex.

Inconnu · 26/04/2020 10:06

I agree with other posters that you need to work on your boundaries if you don't want this to happen again. Anyone can seem great for the first 3 or 4 months!

monkeymonkey2010 · 26/04/2020 10:07

im gutted I'm starting to feel the same without even being told that
He's 'telling' you what he feels/thinks of you via his actions instead of direct words.
Abuise comes in many forms.

It might be worth doing the Freedom Programme, doesn't help you spot ALL abusers, but it will help you create boundaries so you can then recognize abusive behaviours.

How do you feel about telling him to leave, move out?

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