How to move forward/move on

[lockdownmadness]

I'm not sure where to start, I need to offload.
Before lockdown I had 2 dates with a guy from match. Chatting via WhatsApp is always good, felt we were similar. On the first date he walked me to the car and as I was getting in put his hand on my arm. Not sure why? maybe he was going for a kiss however I didn't stop and got in the car. This was mainly because I was embarrassed. I liked him. Apologies if this sounds teenagerish?
He messaged me after saying he enjoyed my company. We continued messaging and went on a second date a few weeks later. After that date early the next morning he messaged me saying no spark. I was fairly upset but bounced back quite quickly and accepted it. I dont think I gave the right vibes on the date? so either there was no spark or it was self preservation as he was sending it from me.
Anyway..fast forward we have been messaging more and more during lockdown and a few nights have got ahem 'carried away' . This has resulted in me catching some feelings.
He has always been honest with me, he is going through divorce etc but why would he get sexual if no spark?
We still message but I think I need to back away. I'm feeling a bit low and I know I'm going to miss him. Any ideas how I move forward? i dont think blocking is necessary, I like him. Maybe we could develop a friendship? I almost wish we didnt go 'there'. WWYD?

My opinion is - Stop. A lot of men want sexual titivation via messages and it sounds like he's corralled you into that. Maybe the no spark meant no flirty sexual chemistry but now there is. Don't lower yourself to deliver something to get him off - unless you want to & feel comfortable doing so, though it doesn't sound like it. It's a power thing plus what kind of guy is he going to be afterwards if you're in a relationship that eventually cools (as inevitably most do) will he look elsewhere?

Thanks @LiteraryType for taking the time to reply. We kept it as friends and those messages started when I'd had wine. I dont feel coerced into them a all, I feel he is a decent guy. I was very much into it too It felt exciting at the time, however I'm at a different stage to him, in that I'm divorced and want something where there is at least hope of a future. I have done the 'fun' bit over a number of years now. I'm feeling quite sad and I need to take responsibility its partly my fault I. feeling the way I do. Why do I accept so little?

Don't blame yourself. You sound confident and like you know what you want. Now is a very strange time and it messes with our head. Once we're out of this lockdown period you will be able to resume your dating life and find the right kind of guy.

Have you seen The Guardian is organising blind online dates?

@LiteraryType ah thanks for your kind words. I feel a bit of a fool. The more we message the more I'm finding myself thinking about him. I guess it's natural. I'm starting to daydream this is some sort of lockdown romance which is crazy! He has said he is being honest however he must be thinking about me too as he is sending pictures to me when he is out on his bike and we continue to chat. Its confusing. He also said I have dodged a bullet with him as he will be going through divorce the next few months. It is definitely messing with my mind!
I havent seen that no. If I'm honest I couldn't do that as I feel wrapped up in this guy although its probably what I need!
Feel I'm losing confidence on my own during lockdown

@Lockdownmadmness .I think he is possible meeting his needs .He wants attention and to be needed. I think he feels he is getting it from this .He will back off as he feels he has been honest guilt free and go on to the next person who attracts his liking.
Dont feel bad I too have fallen into the trap of doing this believing they like me or I gave won them over but its not the case.

@notmrscookie cant believe I have fallen for this. So how do I move forward? do I not message and give brief replies or leave longer between messages? I feel we are friends so I'm going to miss him. He started to open up to me too.

If u happy with whats happening u dont have to do anything. If u want to slow down or take control say something like sorry now isnt a good time can we chat in xx minutes..As what he wants as some feel that u are to boring if u dont do sextexting online .. Its there lose .. Look for other groups to chat to ....
Everyone has a down moment .Did u watch love or money on.bbc 1 last week it was shocking

Thank you @notmrscookie
Yes. I think it is about me taking more control and feeling he has the power, when in fact he doesnt. Not if I dont want him to!
I was having a low few hours. I think perhaps we are both getting something out of the contact right now and we arent hurting anyone, it's a case of keeping check on the emotional side. I think crossing the boundary into the sexual side was a mistake. Hopefully can overcome that.
He even said about not doing it again! He doesnt want me stressed and values my time. It's a minefield, however I feel I'm.going to come to terms with it. Its small awful feeling to feel rejected and not good enough. I need to remember this is about him and not me?

I think crossing the boundary into the sexual side was a mistake. Hopefully can overcome that. He even said about not doing it again! He doesnt want me stressed and values my time.

I think this is him friend zoning you OP, telling you it shouldn't happen again and doesn't want to stress you out etc.

Saying those things and that he values your time is, to me, him saying I think we are better off as friends.

I might be a real cynic but I don't think friendships based on one side seeing the other as anything other than 100% platonic work very often.

Think about it - you are second guessing his thoughts, planning your next steps and discussing (with us not him) who holds the power etc... that's not something you do in a normal healthy friendship.

It doesn't sound like a very good idea to stay in touch to be honest and unfortunately lots of people will be sexting people during lockdown because they're bored / horny / lonely.

@BackseatCookers, yes I know he is friend zoning me. I was happy with the flirty messages to pass the time and regret going further. You're right, it isnt 100% platonic for me.. not now. However I wonder if I can get back to that. Right now, I agree it doesnt feel the best idea to stay in touch. Its effecting my self esteem, I'm questioning myself and what is wrong with me. I got the 'it's me, not you' classic

An update.
We continued to message and my feelings are just getting stronger. I had a few days not messaging and felt a bit stronger and that I could remain friends but I'm not sure I can now.
Feel triggered in that he sent me a heart and then deleted the message however i saw it come through on WhatsApp. He said he pressed the wrong emoji by accident. Also I noticed him on WhatsApp late at night. I feel like a silly teenager. I really need strengh to walk away and send a parting message

OP, he's probably doing this with several women. This is a very strange time. I found myself online stalking my last ex - and felt devastated when I saw he had a new woman as FB friend, Insta and Twitter follower. In normal times this wouldn't bother me, as I don't want him back - it's just fear, loneliness, constrainment and boredom at the present time that makes our minds seek distraction, those of us alone, anyway.

The thing is, I recognised what was happening to me - and it seems you do too. It's just a WhatsApp fantasy relationship, born out of our unmet needs right now.

@TwentyViginti thank you. You have no idea how much better that makes me feel. I totally recognise it. But when messages are coming through, it feels so real! There is too much time to overthink isnt there?

So, I need to pull away again. He isnt meeting my needs, he cant give more and I feel angry and hurt and those feelings also feel very real. I couldn't even do a relationship with him if I wanted as I'm not ready! so why am I feeling like I do? I dont understand..

ok yes fear, loneliness etc

OP I think you know you need to go NC, but you’re scared of ripping off the plaster.

If you respect him enough then it would be fair to send a message saying you’re stepping back from contact for the time being, wish him well and ask him not to contact you. If he does then contact you, being agreeing, you will need to block, perhaps permanently.

beyond agreeing, not ‘being agreeing’

@Dollyrocket you're right I am scared.
He is nothing but respectful to me and has been upfront..but this pulls me in more! Seeing him online when it used to be me he was chatting to hurts. Of course he could be chatting to friends but I have a 'feeling'

he says i mean a lot to him and it is about friendship and company but that i feel more than he does and someone will always get hurt. He wants to stay friends.

When i back away i feel better and once I feel better I'm happy to chat as friends however the feelings slowly come back..

He’s bored. You’re someone to talk to and boost his ego in lockdown. He probably sees you as a nice person too, someone he can chat to, casually sext if he’s lucky etc. No harm in all that for him. You’re becoming emotionally attached though, nothing wrong with that either. No good can come of it for you. Go hard NC (weirdly, he will respect you more for this). Cast your net far and wide. Chat to loads of blokes online, see it as a bit of fun. Take it all with a pinch of salt. This will distract you. Then when lockdown lifts, get out there meeting guys. You’ll find someone who treats you as you want to be treated.

@Blahblahblahzz that is exactly it. He sees me as a nice person, we get on well, we can have decent conversations and he makes me laugh and can genuinely pick me up without realising.
The sexting has stopped he said it was messing with us both. I agree, so he hasnt tried that since. Neither of us have.
Yes I'm becoming emotionally attached and like his qualities. However, I must stress this, I couldn't do a relationship with him anyway as it seems far too scary and I'm not ready. So really, we are both getting something out of it in terms of company. But then my feelings and imagination take over.
He is the kind of person I want but I'm investing a lot of time in someone who doesn't want me

Yep, the feelings taking over is the difficult bit. Your imagination is using the idea of him to meet an unmet need of yours. Only way to go is hard NC. Trying to control your emotional responses to him/ trying to be pals with him will only lead to you getting hurt.

@Blahblahblahzz so more chat this morning and he has admitted chatting to someone else.

To be honest I just feel numb and am so happy I didnt have real sex with him. I havebt reacted badly but I have said I'm going to leave him to it.

So now the getting over part begins!!

he hasnt replied as yet

Now you know, it’s time to go NC and stop waiting around for his replies and crumbs. You aren’t going to get over it otherwise and will find yourself surreptitiously checking when he’s online / social media etc.. RIP off the plaster

@Dollyrocket yes I absolutely know that. I've been there before and am NOT doing it to myself again.
No contact it is but I will feel so bad for blocking his number. we arent friends on social media

I have deleted his number now not blocked him

Feel like I need support now. I've been doing a course to distract myself this afternoon.
Rejection feels awful. I'm not good enough, not fit enough, not attractive enough etc. these are all thoughts going through my mind. I'm trying to keep balanced thoughts as best I can.
I've not heard back from him and not really expecting to now. I think my picture will disappear on whatsapp